I have this secret that’s about to become not so secret. I heart driving late at night. Like, not just a little driving either. Driving long, fast, and no where. I turned on my music, tonight it started with Amy Winehouse singing “I told you, I was trouble. You know I’m no good.” Which soon changed to “If you want to come with me, I’ll be your guide through paradise….” followed by more uppers and downers and fast beats with loud drums and a heavy bass. I have a thing for techno and trance music. And I like it even more when my brights are on and my sunroof is open. The only thing that would be better is if it were all on the Letcher 5 mile.
I drive to this secret place (and yes, that actually will remain a secret). It’s like out of a movie, a place I go to escape when I’m overwhelmed. Tonight, I was overwhelmed. Disappointment is worse than being upset. Facing the unknown is harder than giving up. And trying is easier than letting go of the control. Sometimes I go to this secret place, and just hide. Other times, I drive to this secret place to rejoice. Tonight I drove to this place for a beer and a journal, and some dancing. More dancing because it’s freeing and aside from kissing a blue eyed man, these days, it’s my favorite thing to do.
It’s freeing me from my “problems” that seem so little, that make me so small in comparison to real life brokenness. The fact that I started a business with no clientele, just passion? Was that crazy and about the stupidest thing I could have done? The fact that I’ve been living off of life savings for four months in northern Virginia as a single woman with expensive taste because I couldn’t stand another day surrounded by the christian church…is that fair? No, just selfish. This perspective job or that one? Money? Passion? Survival? Despair or happiness? And how about this one to just add to the already piercing thoughts? The fact that people I’ve looked up to have disappointed me in an attempt to appear stronger, when in the end, their choices have the ability to break them more than they already were…could that end up being me too? And the question of why? I asked God, “why” tonight.
“Why am I ‘stranded’ now?” With a beer in one hand, my butt on a rock and a tissue covering my eyes, I asked why. Why this loss of control? Why an insane asylum inside my head that is screaming 5 billion things going wrong in my life? This isn’t how I planned it. This isn’t where I wanted to be at 25. I had high hopes, realistic goals not disappointment. And one month away from 26 I feel like I spent 25 going “ready? set? fail.”
But then I stood up, and said, “Ready? Set? Go.” Keep going. Keep the faith. Yes, the faith is at the core of my identity, it’s also the faith that I know in my head says “God will never forsake me” but in my heart is carrying more and more doubt and a faint sign of denial. But I’m going. I’m letting go. and dancing. staying up late. and driving. far into the openness. waiting for answers. hoping for more control than of just my heart and emotions.
is this still my life?
oh God. I’m waiting for it to turn back to beautiful.