there are days when I would like nothing more than to pack up all of my stuff… not really, mostly just my dog, and drive.
to go some place where I would feel wanted and chosen. to feel accepted. to feel prioritized. to feel anything more than anger and fake contentment and a “close second.”
there is such a thing as unconditional love. it’s what jesus had for me when He died on the cross. it’s the greatest love that anyone could ever know. it’s supposedly what a mother has for a child. for me, it’s the look in my dogs eyes as i walk out the door everyday and leave for work. but to feel it, to know it, to receive it, that’s conditional. it’s dependent on everything else.
do you want me? do you choose me? do you accept me? am i more to you than what you continually make me feel?
last night i felt lonely. last week i felt lonely. behind. today, i just feel like a period. it’s just another day in the cycle of a contentment with loneliness.
did you know that conflict entered the world before sin did? it was already there? in Genesis, Adam was lonely, there was no suitable companion. and that’s when God created Eve. and Adam said, “finally!”
it’s not this craving to be with someone. it’s not this feeling of depression. it’s a feeling of isolation, seclusion. it’s that i feel set apart here. different here. because as people all around me are getting rocked back and forth, i’m still here and they don’t even see it. and i’m still lonely. and i’m still just walking a steady path with no change. but that does not mean i’m ok. oh no, its far the opposite of that.
this span of my life that is just a straight road ahead, where are the bumps? where are the curves? because I am ready to say, “finally, now my world is rocking.”
this contentment with being me, the unaccepted, the unwanted, the “close second,” it just gets old. and then it’s not even contentment, it’s discontentment with the people around me- the ones that love me “unconditionally”.
and the thing is, i’m ok with it. i hate it- the feelings that it brings. i’m so uncomfortable. yet so ready because i know this is exactly where God wants me.
so rock me God, rock my world right now. because i am so sick of lying that i’m okay being alone here.
CONTENTMENT–it’s what i’m not. i’m not content waiting on You, and I know that sucks… so sorry, Lord.