My friend spoke words of wisdom to me yesterday morning when she said, “You have an identity all your own…” now just hold that thought….
You know, I have this thing for middle school, pre-pubescent kids (please read that without the child-molestor insinuation I’m sure it inferred…). But I do, this thing, this love… this passion. And I find that the drive comes from an opportunity that is so great, the one that says, “Hey, let me let God breathe hope and inspiration into your soul..” and so I do, in the process praying with everything that I am, that these kids would find their identities with confidence and self-love, security, and a whole latta hope.
Because there needs to be more hope in every single second of every single day, to change for the better and for the now.
If you would prepare your heart, and stretch out your hands toward Him…then surely you could lift up your face, yes, you could be steadfast, and not fear, because you would forget your misery and remember it as waters that have passed away. And your life would be brighter than noonday…and you would be secure because there is hope… (excerpts from Job 11, NKJV)
and I find love in this sweet deliverance, my life in His hands, the ones that shaped me and formed me in the most fearful and wonderful way… and this is just me, secured with hope.
You all have found me and have known me in similar ways through millions of words, thousands of smiles, hundreds of tears, and through a similar hope…but sometimes I get fearful that the writing has defined me..were there really thousands of smiles, or were there more tears? Have I been too honest, or was I not honest enough? These words that span across many, many pages, have they given enough of His love… not just for me, but more importantly for you..? Wait- did I speak enough about Him? Or too much about me??
I don’t want to be defined by my writing. I want to be defined by my hope in Him through perseverance to victory. I want to be recognized because I write from the heart to Him. And yeah, it’s raw, and in the moment, sometimes dark. But there are other times when it’s so bright. And I’d rather be defined by that, because that’s where the hope has taken me.
So if you were to define me, I’d rather be embraced as His and not so much as a writer… I’d rather be identified as a real and genuine person that still sings a little badass every now and then because of all the spunk He gives me. Because that’s what Hope has already defined in me: Confidence that says, look at me, I’m His and no one else’s. And self-love that says, “you have great legs,” (actually that was someone else, but I like it, so it’s mine now). And security, oh, it’s reassuring me time and time again that I’m in the most perfect place…
This hope is bringing me all sorts of excitement and even a few butterflies.
I’m bored right now. Like, out of my mind bored. The last few weeks with Pam gone was killing me… and my sound board that makes me laugh when I really want to laugh was gone too, and life was so colorless. But God spoke to me through hours of prayer over them and their ministry. He spoke about beautiful friendships and even the not so beautiful ones, ones that I question as I dig deep for tiny traces of hope that I trust are still there. He reminded me that blessings come in the most opportune times, but also leave in the most inopportune times. Hope is saying, “Nic, that’s okay. You’re still mine.”
And I think that Hope has played the strongest role in my life as it anchors my soul– maybe Hope has taken over, in it’s own way allowing the time to pass so much faster as it brings me one step closer to this greatness I am so impatient to relive.
Today my life started over again in my morning breath that couldn’t wait for the panting that would so familiarly bring my feet to pavement. And tomorrow it will start over again as I get excited for a good kiss. And then on Wednesday, I might just let Hope give me another new beginning as I smile over life that’s just so fulfilling in every moment.
There’s a day though that Hope can’t bring soon enough. And these every days that sometimes carry boredom in between irreprehensible happies are working their way to another day when my life will be redefined as I get to humbly relive purpose and greatness that aren’t mine, but His…and my life will RUN into it hardly looking back as Hope moves me faster than I can even fathom!
No, for realsies, it’s about to start all over again. 28 days people!! And then define me by my love for others. Define me by my heart that cries with love and passion for my students to know their worth and value, to meet this hope so great…. 28 days to 800 little giggles and tiny hands that will run for me to hold with trust. 28 days to an office that I can call my own as words are spoken inside 4 walls as Hope listens…
Then, you can define me as Hope lifts me to the Love on top. Oh wait, I already did…. 🙂