Today I heard leaves crinkle under my feet. I felt cool, damp air deep inside my soul. I breathed in every seasonal allergy known to mankind, thank God for flonase… and I ran. I ran this passionate little heart of mine out. With each stride, I smiled. Because you know what? I LOVE the me time. especially as I count down the days until the “me time” will be found hiding in a closet..my tiny, TINY closet, with a “do not disturb” sign on the door.
My official move-out date is October 28. Tell me why exactly I was spending the night in my new room before it’s officially my new room…. really, why!? I laid in bed. 2am. more like 2:07. and I kicked off the covers. I started breathing heavily. Thrashing this way, that way. I got cold. I got hot. and I swear I had a panic attack. I felt crowded. I felt like every part of my life was caving in. okay, that’s an exaggeration because remember, that actually already happened…and look at me now. The point is, I felt suffocated. So I grabbed my car keys, snuck out of the house quietly so not to wake my new “roommates” and I drove. First I drove to my special place. and I cried, because it’s what I do when I am stressed. Actually, by beloved sister-cousin says that I’m like the lead actress in a spanish novela complete with mascara running down my cheeks…righhhtttt… scary thing is, she’s totally RIGHT! and since I FULLY embrace my character, I sobbed.
I sobbed with greatness and vitality, as I embraced the reality check. I worked towards it as I got back in my car. I walked into my home. my apartment. and I breathed. Imagine that moment right after you spray the afrin up your nose on the worst day of your head cold and then your stuffles are gone. No! Better. Imagine raging seas. You’re being chased into those waters, and God is with you you know He is still with you…but you’re still worried. You’re still scared. But the Lord drives back the fear. He separates those waters, that were holding you captive. And then you breathe. Because you’re home with Him. I was home. and I breathed. I opened my refrigerator, grabbed my Smithwicks, and then I climbed into my bed. in my home. then I climbed back out, got down on my knees, and I prayed for a miracle. Literally, on my knees. Because friends, I don’t want to leave my home. So if you’re reading this and have a well-paying job to offer me, do it now, I have 19 days left. Do it now!!
It’s hitting me, this choice I’ve made for me. So I sacrifice, hide in closets, run this happy heart out, buy more clothes because retail therapy really does work, cry those mascara tears… because this is for me.
I don’t want to fall to pieces because of this. I want to put pieces together through this. So guess what? If I fall, I’m going to have to find another place to fall. Here’s where I choose:
I choose to land upon these colorful reds and browns and oranges. I choose to fall into the damp, cool air that forces an embrace for warmth. And that’s where I’ll get lost and held. That’s where I’ll lose my heart. with Fall. Where Tom Petty’s song comes to life. Where I leave this world for awhile to write my name in the sky. and then it becomes a little more like falling in love, getting swept up off my feet. because this is me. for me. all about me.
Caught up, called out
Come take a look at me now
It’s like I’m falling, oh
It’s like I’m falling…