Anyone who knows me knows that I wear my heart on my sleeve. I love to the core. I dance in the soul. I write through kindness, passion, and yes, even purpose scattered thoughts do serve a purpose–this I’ve learned. I’m an open book–read me and find: LOVE. Intentional or not, that’s really all it is.
So today, NOW, I do my thing, I love from the core, my soul dances in adoration and I write this passion. I do my thing, and I wait for Jesus to do His. I TRUST Him to do His.
And all God’s people say, We love You. We love You. We love You, Lord! We love You. It’s the beauty of simplicity that brings me down to my knees. I’ll praise you for eternity. I love you, because You first loved me.
But before I get to loving, let me hate. Oh there’s a lot of hate today…
I used to get in trouble for saying “hate”. My moms all reminded me how strong and ugly the word is. I don’t take it lightly, and I refuse to waste any energy on hate. But sometimes, it just fights a good fight. Let me tell you the things I hate.
I HATE that donuts go straight to my butt. I HATE that Fossil purses cost $$. I HATE that my bathroom is a minky color with a green tub. I HATE that at 5am when I would love to talk on the phone with my best friend, I can’t because it might wake up my parents. and I really, REALLY hate sleep deprivation due to stress and emotion.
But then– I really don’t.
I LOVE that donuts have a special kind of Friday taste. I LOVE that Fossil offers a certain retail therapy satisfaction. I LOVE that my bathroom is mine with that little retro feel okay–there I’m lying, I actually really do HATE IT. I LOVE that at 5am my best friend will text me for hours because she understands. I LOVE that my mom is in the next room and I can still snuggle with her through the sleepless nights.
So this morning, this SATURDAY morning, at 5am I woke on my knees figuratively speaking that is…as I let LOVE win over that HATE. God is drawing me back in with each investment I make in Him.
I’m falling in love with Him all over again. It’s sweet but far from satisfying because I just want more and more and more. I woke up yesterday after a much needed nap to hear these lyrics in my heart: “His love is waking my heart to life.” and THIS is the best Love I’ve ever known.
His Love is deep, His Love is wide, it covers us. His Love fierce, His Love is strong. It’s Furious.
Sweet Jesus, give me more. And as I invested a little more time in worshipping this Love, He did. In this:
Before they call, I will answer, while they are still speaking I will hear. (Isaiah 65:24)
Be still and know that I am God. (Psalm 46:10)
Because this was all that I could take right now. Though I so soooo want more, His Love has this way of overtaking us, just enough. Falling in love this way is painful. This way, it grips you tightly, and never lets you go. It’s so painfully good. Today, that pain comes with a grip of trust.
I am scared to death to death that I will not be accepted into my program at Mason. I cry when I think about it. I wake up in cold sweats in the middle of the night dreaming about it. I question why God would “prevent” me from being accepted…and yes I know how ridiculous that sounds. Thanks for rolling your eyes. I laugh at the thought of more failure and not that I need to add this, it’s not a joyful laugh… This is my focus right now and there is nothing simple about it. Or is there?
I met with Michelle on Wednesday to do life. This woman needs every word of hers recorded. My mind recorded just one. “Trust.” Yeah, that’s real simple. It’s the “beauty of simplicity.”
I completed my application today. More than anything, it’s time to be still and know a God who answers my call before I ask; time to trust. Trust in this love. Fall in love with You. Trust in You. Trust in Your ways that painfully hold my heart as they write a perfect plan in me.
I’m falling in love with You.
and I just love this: knowing love, writing love, feeling love, cherishing love and being submerged in love. I love being held in love. investing in love. trusting in Love. oh this love is loud, and it’s mine.