A little over a month ago, I set my 2012 goals..the ones that tell me to insist on myself. My favorite one is the one that tells me BE BOLD. BE BOLD and LOVE. BE BOLD and LOVE and at PEACE. Let me tell you, I’m being bold and loving it, not every minute of it, but most of it. Last night I swear I had a minor nervous breakdown, called my friend, whined, and then *almost* moved on to feel peace again. Today, I did it again sitting in the front office. My loving pastors and dear friends came and held me. “You’re mourning. You’re in the middle of a process that is taking control from you.” I like control. I need control. The change is killing me but the spontenaity is keeping me going. And their words, more peace.
I chose to do this. God is guiding me. That does NOT make this any easier, and while I feel weak, THIS DOES NOT MAKE ME WEAK. Three weeks ago, I decided to move (and paint BOLD into my life). A week ago, I woke up and quit my job (let me add that though listening to God, leaving kids that I swear I couldn’t love any more than if I gave birth to them myself, is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do). Today, I want to buy a $700 plane ticket for my heart. Tomorrow, I want bangs and colored hair. Friday, I want to ski and feel the freedom of wind. Saturday, I want to sit with my family and feel loved and supported, held and understood, and far so FAR AWAY from judgment. I want to feel like I’m not crazy, I’m just a single 25 year old trying to cope with the biggest change thus far in my life. Others cope because of death, others cope because of termination. But me, I cope because God told me to? I cope because God told me to.
Any of you youth group “junkies” remember this one…circa way before 2001. It’s my anthem of the day:
BE BOLD, BE STRONG FOR THE LORD YOUR GOD IS WITH YOU,I AM NOT AFRAID (NO, NO)I AM NOT DISMAYED,FOR I’M WALKING IN FAITH AND VICTORYCOME ON AND WALK IN FAITH AND VICTORYFOR THE LORD YOUR GOD IS WITH YOU.
I’m captivated once again by a love that I swear I was forgetting and taking for granted. And here, I am disliking the fact that following His love is bringing my heart such pain yet oodles of peace. “Spirit rain, flood into my thirsty heart again.” I feel like screaming at my Lord, being so unbelievably honest with Him that my mouth says things that offend people.
WTF JESUS. YOU BLESS ME AND I REJOICE…AND THEN MY HEART WEEPS. WHY?
On March 1, I have no plans. What if I stay in bed? What if I run away? What if I want to run into the arms and laughter of my kids only to make another realization that I can’t any more? My God can take me anywhere, let me do anything and I need to rejoice in that, I need to love Him more because of that! He is giving me freedom, but honestly I feel like a slave to my own heart (with that added bit of peace). And while that feels so far away from freedom, it’s peace, I know it is. But I need Him to fight for memore. I need Him to tell me that this is okay. That this is my chance to be me. To find me again. I know that in a few months, I’ll look back on this time, this season and be fine. In fact, I’ll probably look back on this and be so utterly embarassed at what I bad ass I wasn’t and that I cried in front of complete strangers. But right now I’m not. Right now, I’m just a wandering child of God waiting for Him to take control of my life where I feel like I have none left. Right now, I feel raw.
In my discussions with people I say, it’s like I had this wound, and I put a bandaid on it, but it kept festering underneath, so finally, I ripped it off. That wound, my heart, it’s RAW. R-A-W. And It’s right where God wants me.
This transition is hard. And this week has been far from special. I get to be with my kids tonight. I get to see their smiles and left over lunch in their braces. I get to hear the squeaky voices, see their hearts know love, and hug them like there’s no tomorrow. I’m going to miss that. I’m going to miss knowing that they hate their chorus teacher and that they are nervous for the school play. I’m going to die knowing that I can’t show them love everytime I’m with them.
I want to walk away on February 29 with a piece of me so ingrained in them that they know Love in a way they might never have. I want to walk away on February 29 knowing that they love Jesus and know Him more intimately because of me. And while that seems ever so prideful, I want to walk away from here knowing that I have done okay, that God smiles at me and says “well done.” I want to walk away from here knowing that I’ve done everything I can do make a difference for His church, for Centreville Presbyterian. And right now, this second, I don’t know that I have. And I don’t have the control to know that I will have.
Like I said, this transition is hard. But it’s also from God. I know that this is a BOLD journey and when I reach the end I want to feel a stronger faith and victory. One where I know I had the chance to both feel and give more of His Love. Justin told me last night, “I know you’re making the right decision.” I know too.
ALL OF MY LIFE, IN EVERY SEASON, YOU ARE STILL GOD
I HAVE A REASON TO SING, I HAVE A REASON TO WORSHIP.