Do you ever put your glasses on and realize you almost saw almost more clearly when they were off, but it was still a little fuzzy? Shoot. Those lenses are DIRTY! But then you clean them and ahhhhhh-it’s clear. It’s so clear, not fuzzy at all.
A week ago I was happy just being lost in my mind with fuzzies ALL OVER. Tonight though, I’m needing control, little control, but control, clear lenses type of control. I’m finding control. It’s good and it makes me proud that among still so many unknowns there’s that small bit of clarity and a big bit of “a little” control.
insert ten minutes of scattered thoughts here. some control I have… sheesh.
My heart is getting a break. This is good. This is SO GOOD! To have the control to just go with it, to just have fun, and to just be me. insert break for dancing here. wild dancing. with my dog. in my pajamas. Dancing is good for the soul, especially mine. <I’m jumping in my hoopty, hoopty, hoop and then doing it one more time. Shoot. Someone play me another song, please!>
okay. I’m back.
My heart is getting a break. Oh God, how thankful I am for this…finally! How thankful I am for the fun that comes with mr. “cognizant of your emotions”. It makes me selfish. He knows it. I know it. But the control? Oh, how good it feels to have a handle over at least one thing in my life. To live in the moment and know what’s coming next. No really, I do know. It’s fun, and then some more fun–with reality staying far away. Getting lost not just in my mind, but in the moment where I feel cared for, appreciated, respected, and like a deserving, real woman (that’s still in control). insert break for whistling here. here we go. <whistles and types>
I have this journal. It’s pretty definitive of who I am and who I’ve become. So I started reading through it–something I don’t do very often. Lord knows I’ve grown through hurt, and trials, unknowns, impulsivity, and most recently, life altering career changes. Some of them came with control, others didn’t. But what I found in going through this is that I still grew. And I’m still growing. But especially, I’m still me and especially, I’m in control of me.
I’m falling in love with myself the more time I spend with this man and this has been a long time coming. Here’s something I love about me. The fact that I care so much for people that I get to give a little bit of myself to them. That they walk away with a piece of me–the goodness of me. How cool is that? How special is it, that I can give 100% and more because I wanted to see a smile accompanied by warm fuzzies?! That’s me. Or this?! I used to just tell myself that I was strong, that I was resilient. But guess what, I actually am, and I LOVE THAT ABOUT ME so I’m going to hold onto it. To stay in control of it. I LOVE that I’m in-tune with who I am. And that he noticed that in me before I did. I LOVE that I don’t let my emotions rule me- no ma’am, no sir. I am in control. In total control to feel liked and just take it for what it is, fun. with smiles. and goosebumps. and reality that will stay away. for now. because we are in control, maintaining not changing. that’s just what it is and who we are. I LOVE IT!
I love seeing through those newly cleaned lenses that this is me and he likes it: me when I’m bossy. me when my hair turns big and wavy. me when I over think things and get needy. me when I just want to kiss him. me when I tell him I don’t feel like helping him take the trash out. me when I cry grieving tears. me when I don’t watch the movie I begged him to take me to see. without even trying, it’s just me– taking control of what I can and being liked more because of it.
funny it comes when my life seems the most out of control.
is that life?