I’m home. Better, I’m at the core of home. Mom and Dad’s. I cried when I saw my dog. I felt love in my fathers embrace. I made my mom sleep next to me. But I felt wanted. I felt assurance from them, which I hadn’t noticed or appreciated through this journey until now. I needed to go away to come back to feel this. It made me more ready than ever to run towards my future.
Today I found jobs, lots and lots of jobs. My resume is about to run wild. I feel like I can do anything now, and like really, I can be anything. I can be working at Gap or at a hair studio. OR I can be a marketing specialist for an orthodontic office. Maybe, I’ll pursue event coordinating/program management according to myoriginal hope and plan.
It’s funny actually. When I look back on the last couple of months, I was sure I’d done a horrible job explaining my reasons for leaving. I just talked to the very first person I told, and he assured me that I did okay. I’m glad that though my brain was all sorts of scattered, my words with him were not. There were many reasons, most I feel like I’ve addressed over the last few posts which thankfully brought me more and more definition to my reasoning.
Clarity also came from Dr. Ramsey. Here’s what he said when I was in Omaha, “Nicole, you’ve been called into youth ministry for nearly a decade now. When it’s been that long, it’s time to stop fighting it. Your heart for youth is evident.” It’s alive too. But he continued with the best advice I’ve received since the journey started. “Because of your burnout, your many emotions, the most detrimental thing you can do is go and find another church to serve. You’ll do more harm to yourself and to the congregation you are serving because of where you are now.” I need to work through this. I need to separate myself, to appreciate and live the heart God has given me.
Part of my journey has taught me that being called to youth ministry can mean anything. Here’s my dream. I want to write my book. Then I want to speak at conferences where I could encourage youth workers all over the country (especially middle school youth workers) to not fight a calling, but to live it with protection, humbleness, and pride (those may seem contradictory, but read my book and you’ll see they’re not, ps. I’m only on chapter two—it could be a while). Then I want to teach students about calling. I want to go on their weekend retreats and speak God’s plan into their lives. He has one. We just need to listen and obey.
I had this original plan to get into events and programs, conferences and trade shows, but what if that was God planting this seed in my heart? I know He’s working already… I just can’t help but wonder if this is how.
So here’s what I’m going to do, here’s what I need to do, and here’s what I’m pretty sure God is leading me to do. Make more money (so that I can afford to live my calling). Do something I’m good at and that I have a clear passion for (and I’m a passionate person, so I’m pretty sure I have that going for me.) Smile with a enchanting reason to get out of bed each morning. Wear skirts and dresses (lots and lots of them because this week is some sort of beautiful that I’m recognizing in some fresh and imaginative ways). Christ is here with me. And again I say, He knows my heart. He’s fighting for my heart. And He’s giving me new life, literally. Life with Him is an engaging and graceful thing. It’s a gift. This is a gift. My new life has begun.