Everyone has their rock bottom. For me it wasn’t necessarily rock bottom though, it was shower bottom. FLAT. on. my. bo-hank-aaaaasssssss bottom.
yes flat. with water streaming on me as I laid in a puddle of tears and vomit, hating myself for the selfish person I’ve become. Well, I guess I should probably say more selfish than usual…
Until I heard the sweetest, strongest, most sincere voice saying behind unknown fear and a quiet knock, “Nicole?” He’s helped me see my needs. He didn’t deserve that.
I don’t think I need to continue this story for anyone to get the point that this is where I was found in my most humble place, most broken place, most weary and hated place. This is where I was found on my guilty face with a hardened and doubtful heart wondering “does God really have a firm grip on my heart and path to His plan?” But let me just say this much, running away from Him, that doesn’t hurt him ladies and gents. It only hurts yourself, breaking you more than you were before, making you fall hard than you did before, crashing on the ground faster than you did before and all while watching those who love you, those who care for fall with you in a state of compassion and empathy for your weaknesses. I don’t know why I say ‘your’…CLEARLY I mean, me, my, mine.
Don’t lie to yourself, Oh my Soul
LOVE YOUR GOD.
Oh. and I was lying. To everyone around me, new and old. And I was hurting. And I was searching. And trying. My sister held me in bed as she said, “you are going from these extreme highs to extreme lows.” Maybe not extreme. Maybe more like radical, like zealous. No. Here’s what it was. It was me trying to find the smallest, faintest thing that I could place my passion in, place my hope in that God really has heard my prayers. And when I found it, I reveled in it, unyielding. Until it didn’t work anymore, it clearly couldn’t work anymore. I’ve been too selfish. This is my fault. Time to take responsibility.
So I talked to my dear pastor friend, Neil. When I’m serious about how much I love and look up to him, I call him Neil. When I laugh to a squeaking spill, He’s Craigan. And this is what Neil Craigan said, “You’ve been finding your self-worth in your kids. You don’t need anyone to make you happy. You need to make yourself happy. Don’t blame God. You weren’t obedient to get something back. You were obedient to glorify Him. …not a bad person, just a broken person. And at the end of the day, are you being faithful?”
Am I being faithful? Am I being faithful? Am I being faithful?
I majored in Biblical Studies. I fell in love with God when I was 17, as broken as I thought I could ever be. That’s mostly because I was only 17. But I went on living. I went on learning. And in my heart, for always I’ve known and felt God’s presence. Until I chose not to anymore. So, am I being faithful? Heck no. No. I’m not being faithful. And I know I need to be. And believe it or not, I’ve taken a big step to try to be….again…in hopes that this time faithfulness will no longer contribute to more of my brokenness nor that nasty selfishness. Deep down, I know this broken, messed up, girl with issues, person.. is NOT me. It’s not the me God created. I know He created me to be clothed with strength and dignity and laughs without fear of the future, with smiles that face tomorrow (Proverbs 31:25). That’s who I was, and deep down I know she’s still there–the “remains” of me were those extreme highs. I have a deep hunger to be back there, but minus those extreme lows.
So my friends, my fans, my family, my confidants, pray with me.
Oh Love that will not let me go,
I rest my weary soul in thee.
I give you back this life I owe.
Oh Joy that seeks me through the pain,
I cannot close my heart to thee.
Oh, cross that lifts and holds my head
I dare not ask to fly from thee.
“Oh Love that will not let me go”
IS there still a trace of Him in everyone of my Hallelujahs? a trace. yes, a trace. Here’s what He’s still saying only I hear it as a whisper.
That’s right. Because I your God have a FIRM GRIP ON YOU and I’m NOT letting go. I’m telling you, ‘Don’t panic. I’m right here to help you.