I was scared to love my life today. But I did it anyway. And it felt real and good and down right fine and dandy.
I’m looking back at my life over the last couple of months. I keep hearing the words of my sister-cousin, “you are going from these extreme highs to extreme lows.” I keep waiting to fall. But I haven’t yet. I’m still climbing–I hate hills but I LOVE this one, it’s a climb. Shoot, if I break out into a Miley Cirus song, SHOOT ME!
The struggles I’m facing
The chances I’m taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I’m not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments that I’m gonna remember most,
Just gotta keep going
And there I went… okay, guess what, I was wearing a bullet-proof vest–you can shoot me, life can shoot me, but I’m not going down. And guess what else, I hate that song…. not a Miley fan at all, it just seemed too fitting to pass it up… maybe it made you laugh. It makes me dislike her even more… but I still had to share.
This was me on July 16: lying on the floor of my shower near the point of needing my stomach pumped. And here is me now. In the words of Lloyd Christmas, “We’re there.” I’m there, I’m so there. And I’m going to keep going. This is where it gets not just good, but better.
If I compare myself today to that person lying helpless and half-dressed in the shower, I see a contrast that’s beautiful and purposeful. I think it scares people, and that’s a good thing. They’re cautious out of love for me, out of unyielding support of me. But that’s also why I’m scared to love my life right now….I need to say this, not because it’s what I believe you’re thinking, but because it’s what I fear you’re thinking. This decision was not impulsive or just my next “thing.” Grad school is something that I’ve contemplated long and hard–for years. Here’s my chance, let me take it. And don’t worry about me. I’m determined. I’m committed. and I’m back to being me. This is where it gets not just good, but better.
There will never be a more beautiful me. The me that rose out of the ashes; the me that is the sunshine after the rain as steam rises off the asphalt (it’s me simmering in the glory). The me that laughs just a little with a cry in the middle (thank you Jason Mraz), she’s damn beautiful. And she’s living a damn beautiful life. And she is me, not just good, better.
I made a wild jump today when I realized I don’t have to be scared of falling or failing anymore, not just anymore, anyone…I know I’m not going to. But if I do, I’ve proven to myself I will get through it. That’s what the bullet-proof vest is for. I will survive. I am surviving. and this is too good. This really is the good life. the best part of my life. the better part of my life.
I changed my mobile ringer today. Long ago, last time I was me, I loved hearing the song of my life, “Oh this has got to be the good life, this could really be the good life–when you’re happy like a fool let it take you over.” Somewhere between there and here, it changed… and the song of my life became this, “Drop your worries, you are going to turn out fine, but you got to keep your head up, I know it’s hard…” Guess what. My ringer is back. And that’s good too. So damn good. “This has got to be the better life, this could really be the better life. I’m happy like a fool, and I’m letting it take me over.” Shoot, I’m loving my life.
And you know what else, my life song… it’s really just a song to the One who’s been a saving grace. The One who carried me when I couldn’t feel His hands. He’s showing me goodness-betterness. And I love my life. Really, really love my life today (even if there is a burning echo of fear in the distance). I have highs– and no, no lows. Fear is not a low, it’s a part of the better life that allows perfect Love to find me. And when it does, that Love wins. His love, that perfect love casts it out, far out. And it’s better-it’s high above my wants and my desires. It’s carrying me. And this is the better life; where I let the Love win.
Today, my high was talking to Zach while Sasha peed. My high was seeing Megan’s new shoes. My high was realizing it’s okay to love my life again. My high was sitting at Reston Towne Centre doing homework and coming home to a bottle of wine– special wine that I can’t wait to share with a great, GREAT person. My high was talking with my friend about my good life, sorry, better life and this AWESOME path. My high was that I wasn’t seriously injured in my car accident on 66 a few days ago (btw-no, even that wasn’t a low).
I’m singing these days of the highs, of His love–my saving grace, of my life. and I love it. I found a heaven today in this moment and I love it because it’s better than what I’ve known. It’s not just good, it’s so much better.