I can’t think of a time that I ever wanted to “settle down.” I mean, EVER. And if you ask some of my closest friends–they’d be most surprised to hear you say that maybe I do… they’re the ones who claim I’ll date for years, be engaged for longer, and have kids…maybe never. But something’s changed and I. DO. (not settle down, but live more.)
Maybe it’s the life I’m living, wearing my yoga pants as I look in the rear view mirror to see a car seat with a sleeping child looking so peaceful. Maybe it’s the new sense of listening; the eyes in the back of my head. OR maybe it’s the trusting tears that come running to me with open hands for me to snuggle the hurting hearts and beat the horrible pains so far gone. I think what it really is, is me coming to terms with adult-dom in the wake of a quarter life crisis that was dragging me away from the reality of “growing up,” tearing me away from finding the real me, the masterpiece of me.
I don’t have my “real” job yet. And yes, we all know I’m not married, yet. side note: I have a church momma who told her parents if she wasn’t married by thirty, she was getting artificially inseminated. PG13 note-that doesn’t sound nearly as fun as being “unartificially” inseminated. But God provided for her and I love knowing He’s providing for me too. ps. no, I am not pregnant.
Last night I had a dream that I was single and pregnant. Somewhere in-between the feelings of shame and the hovering of guilt and selfishness, somewhere, somewhere, there was joy. Because I’ve now reached “mamawanna” status and “live-my-life-for-you-with-you” status. And that, that will someday, be my “real” job. And that, that is where I find the joy knowing it’s for you, with you…
It’s not centered around being patient for the joy. It’s centered around being ready for that joy while I live this joy.
I plan my Tuesdays around pre-school and nap time. I strap the car seats because I feel an extra sense of security when they’re extra secured. I snuggle. I love… and we all know, I was made to love.
But something is still missing as I maneuver through this joy in the waiting//I was created to love- and so the inerrant Word of God teaches, it was good…and the human me questions actually, was it? I’ve been meditating on this:
God said, “It’s not good for the Man to be alone; I’ll make him a helper, a companion.
I’m praying a bold prayer here, being open a bold open, and saying–It is not good for me to be alone. not now. not anymore. Where is are you, my companion? Let me be…..with you, my companion.
<…takes another sip of coffee>
<fingers slow down…typing becomes minimal>
Since when have I not been honest? Since when have I not been bold? Since when have I not claimed to love independence? Or since when have I not known the greatness of my own heart?
<sips coffee. again.>
My boy fun. So you want to know why we “really” didn’t work out? Because God did not make him MY helper, MY companion, YOU. You want to know how I knew? Because he didn’t want to live my heart the way I wanted to use my heart, for him. And there it is.
And here I am. I don’t stop and ask the what if’s anymore. I don’t wonder why anymore. And I sure as hell don’t get angry anymore. There is no anger in love. No joy in anger. But in joy, in love, there is peace. Peace. Because I know my helper, I know my companion–and you are still being prepared to live MY heart as I use my heart, for you. That’s the thing, it’s NOT good for me to be alone when I’m this ready to be yours…God made me for you. I was made to love–not for me, but for you. So yes, I am ready to find and live the joy for you, ready to live it with you. It’s time for you to be ready already!
I know myself today more than I EVER have. I’ve found me. So many posts over the last year have brought me to this exact moment when I “sip coffee,” when I stop and see that in this moment is the most perfect me there has ever been. God could not prepare me or my heart any more for you than in this moment, where I wait for the joy I get to live because of you.
I look at myself…like this.
and I finally see the masterpiece that was created in His image, for you.
<stops and stars at pearl ring…and thinks, thinks long, hard, thoughts including how it’s time to take the ring in for a good cleaning and diamond shining…>
My dad gave me this.
and on the day he did, he prayed the most precious prayer that has ever been sung over my life. I don’t think I’ve ever been able to trust in his words until today–as I sit here loving ME in the joy that comes in being ready for you.
I don’t like to toot my own horn…really. I say that because if you’re Facebook friends with me, you know I just did.
Here I go anyway. I’m a pretty spontaneously wonderful person. Underneath the chubby cheeks is a gorgeous smile (that my parents paid for…thanks mom and dad), and the best part of it is that it is genuine. and so am I. I believe with all my heart that I was made to offer me–and all of me for you. Genuine, little me with eyes that stare into precious souls with passion to see and know hearts as much as I’ve come to know my own. And my life——-
I’m neat. I have a friend who constantly tells me I’m neat. We joke that someday we’ll get married and have neat kids…but what is neat? I think it’s the part of me that is excited to share in this beautiful life. To jump on a plane at a moments notice to celebrate life. To plan a dinner for 30+ people to honor my parents’ lives (outside. at night. by fire.) To recognize the relationships that are worth savoring and to be at peace with the ones that aren’t while most importantly, knowing the difference. I am neat because of far more.
Last night I tucked my two little cousins into bed after a long day of soccer and “life.” One asked me if we used to be monkeys. Do you know how neat it was to be able to say “no.” ?! (and with confidence!) It’s Pretty. Damn. Neat. We talked about God and His creation. How God breathed life into MAN. And he got it. I feel like you’ve reached a good benchmark in life and Christianity when you are able to discuss creationism with a four year old… SUCCESSFULLY. I walked away
thinking knowing, I can do this, I want to do this, I am so ready to do this and not for me, but for others, with you.
…because I’m neat. and I know exactly how to love you, AND me.
and I do. Sacrificially, I so do.
I don’t know when I’ll say the real, “I do.” I kind of hate that. In all honesty, I actually really hate that. TINY SOAPBOX-And what I hate even more is having people say, “your time will come,” or “God is faithful, just be patient” Like really, do you think I don’t already know that or I haven’t figured that out yet?!!
I look at this beautiful pearl ring that symbolizes purity even though Lord knows, I am far from pure. I fail daily.. more like hourly. But it’s something I strive for in the waiting–to be perfectly in tune with who God has created me to be. Guess what, I’m finally there. There are two diamonds holding the pearl. ps. love that my Daddy was the first man to give me a diamond ring. And these diamonds signify a promise of constancy. And so I do. I promise to be constant in this strive for purity, this strive to be the woman that God made me to be for you and for me and for ours. All the neat of me–ready to hand over not to someone else, FOR someone else.
And then there is this: I don’t find it coincidental at all that as I take the needed break from this emotional and honest post that I stumble across a beautiful blog post about marriage not being for “me.” (by 6 and counting friends none the less). It’s not a reminder at all that this is for me… It’s an affirmation that I’m finally getting it, I’m pretty sure I’ve finally got it. Guess what, love, it’s your turn.
Perhaps each of us have moments in our lives when it feels like time slows down or the air becomes still and everything around us seems to draw in, marking that moment as one we will never forget.
My dad giving his response to my concerns was such a moment for me. With a knowing smile he said, “Seth, you’re being totally selfish. So I’m going to make this really simple: marriage isn’t for you. You don’t marry to make yourself happy, you marry to make someone else happy.
I haven’t reached these new status’ to try and find the happiness that awaits me… No! I’ve reached them because I finally found the real mission that lies behind the happiness…it’s not for me, it’s for others.
Do you have any idea (well, yeah I guess you momma’s know) how blessed it is knowing that only “you” can wipe the tears, hold the hands, kiss the foreheads…It’s not about us anymore, is it? It never was. And hey, what a sweet, sweet prayer of intimacy it is that we would be desired by our men as they seek to live their lives for US. I’m so happy praying that prayer…so at peace being able to pray that prayer knowing it’s not for me but for him to see the me I love, the me that was created for him. I am his beloved… God bless this.
I look at that picture of me up above–I stare at it long and hard in my moments of contemplation, the moments of truth and tender sincerities as I know just how ready I am…so ready I am. It’s so hard not to draw out my imperfections…the sausage fingers that remind me of those many extra pounds…the eyes that are tired, the nose that is a little too pointy for my liking, and the lips that just want to be kissed a different kind of kiss. And I realize, those thoughts aren’t my Father’s thoughts and so no longer can they be mine. I truly am in love with who He has made me to be–this wild and precious life I’ve been given, FOR HIM. See my smile, love every part of me, desire me, Love. Hold my heart, sweet friend, it’s yours. And see the beautiful me that was made for you.
You’re so beautiful, my darling,
so beautiful, and your dove eyes are veiled
By your hair as it flows and shimmers,
like a flock of goats in the distance
streaming down a hillside in the sunshine.
Your smile is generous and full—
expressive and strong and clean.
Your lips are jewel red,
your mouth elegant and inviting,
your veiled cheeks soft and radiant.
The smooth, lithe lines of your neck
command notice—all heads turn in awe and admiration!
The sweet, fragrant curves of your body,
the soft, spiced contours of your flesh
Invite me, and I come. I stay
until dawn breathes its light and night slips away.
You’re beautiful from head to toe, my dear love,
beautiful beyond compare, absolutely flawless.
You’ve captured my heart, dear friend.
You looked at me, and I fell in love.
One look my way and I was hopelessly in love!
How beautiful your love, dear, dear friend—
far more pleasing than a fine, rare wine,
your fragrance more exotic than select spices.
The kisses of your lips are honey, my love,
every syllable you speak a delicacy to savor.
Your clothes smell like the wild outdoors,
the ozone scent of high mountains.
Dear lover and friend, you’re a secret garden,
a private and pure fountain.
Body and soul, you are paradise
Song of Songs 4 (The Message)