I am not a reader. Well, I’ve never been a reader. Ironic considering I’m a writer I guess I can call myself that, right? But lately, there’s an enjoyment I’m finding with each swipe of a page on my iPad. Rob asked me one day why I liked reading on the iPad vs a real book, “uhhh because I look cooler…” I must look really cool now… I think it’s the fact that I have a way to occupy my mind with other things. Lord knows I need that…
Last night I stayed awake until 2am analyzing every bit of my life. obsessing. This is not good! But last night I also finished the most amazing book by my most favorite blogger, Kelle Hampton. Her book Bloom: finding beauty in the unexpected is a book about healing after life’s most unanticipated and monumental happenings. It’s about growth; life change—for the better. It’s been perfect for me as I’ve swiped pages over the last couple of months in an attempt to look cooler than I actually am, to look closer at where I actually am.
So my life doesn’t have much that wasn’t anticipated especially in this season. Did I know that I would be living off of life savings and parental loans for four months make that just short of five months? Nope. Did I know that my heart was about to be rocked on then off then on then off? Nope. Did I know that I would start to turn away from God? Absolutely not. But have I anticipated the monumental change that these circumstances will and have already had on this precious life of mine? Hells to the yeah! And in that, I find healing.
My mother Mary, and my dear Shereeree are the two people that know me better than anyone, literally better than I know myself and they’ve never stopped believing in me. They foresee my choices, my failures, my accomplishments, and my loves. They know my bottomless pit, my heart and some of it’s most selfish and selfless desires. They’ve seen me fall and helped to pick me up, over and over again. It’s like through them the Spirit reaches His hand to me, and let’s me know that no, I am not alone. No, I will never be alone. I can’t be alone…at least not lately another blog post for another day… But for now, I’m forcing myself to be alone, to continue finding me. To continue growing through this life change. And to heal.
In one week and two days, I’ve learned a lot about myself, it’s all stuff they already knew. In one month and one week, I’ve become the woman they’ve been loving for years. They say the never saw me that way before, loving that much, caring that much, and being that passionate for the opportunity to be sacrificial. They say I invested in someone I believe in..there’s nothing wrong in that, no regrets, no mistakes, and no disappointment. They said they knew I had in me, it was just waiting to come out. My stories were different, my outlook on life for a time being was different. There was a deeper connection than what my eyes were willing to see and definitely more than what my heart was willing to admit. I was alive in there somewhere, real and whole. I think they missed it. I missed it and I didn’t even know that it had been there all along. But it was just another one of those unanticipated, almost unwanted blessings…a monumental happening (happy-ing) with terrible, TERRIBLE timing.
I feel like these monumental circumstances have me paddling against a wild current. Maybe what I need to do, how I need to be living is by just going with it—that’s where the healing comes. So here I am, as Kelle puts it, in a “mental boot camp.” Forcing myself to see that life is good. That life just happens. And that life is still a blessing, it’s still so precious. I can do this. I CAN do this. I can cry through the fear of unknowns and distress. I can laugh at the failures. I can love at the blessings that come short lived. And now, I can even care deeper than I knew I was capable of for others (but also for myself). The mental boot camp is igniting passion that has me swimming with the current, paddling with joy. It’s pulling me forward with a whisper from my Lord saying, “You need to remain calm. I am fighting for you…still. Don’t lose hope so easily… I am fighting for you. for you.”
Mary Oliver has this beautiful quote, “Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?” I plan to live it. Preciously. For Him.
I wrote a letter to myself last night. One that I’ll look back on in four years at the age of 30 ps I can’t wait to be 30!
I plan on looking at it on the eve of my 30th birthday. And here’s where I need your help. This is the hardest season of my life, but the best part is that I know that I am not doing this alone. So speak my dear friends, what did you wish the 25 year old you knew?? Speak it to me…. And be a part of the celebration of what will one day be the happiest season of my precious life on the eve of my 30th birthday…