I am so recklessly in love, so terribly and frantically happy. My heart feels full, my soul feels alive, and I am happy. I am content yet ready. I am loving out loud. wait for it….it’s good. wait. for. it!
I sit with this cute little 5 year old macbook, my green tea latte, and the most refreshing yogurt parfait as I stare out the window enjoying the people walking by. The guy in the denim jacket, aviators, slippers… and gloves…. because he was manly until….. it’s freaking 65 degrees outside. gloves, dude?! really, really?! yup, and no motorcycle in sight…………
Let me start over. I stare out the window and see a girl on her phone. She is wearing boots (and I think to myself, “I wonder if those are new??” then I contemplate stepping away from my tea and yogurt, my trusty companion I call Mac, to ask where she got them…) Shoot.
Let me start over. again. I stare out the window here I go…. I stare out the window and enjoy the glare on the glass caused by the autumn sunshine. There is a special red, a special orange that only come alive now. Right now. They are blustery colors that roar in the fragrance of fall. Here’s what it smells like:
hot chocolate, that first time furnace-y smell, the fire that the neighbors have going, the chili brewing on the stove, warm apple pie, octoberfest, pumpkin seeds, seat warmers with an open sunroof and loud, soulful music of pianos going wild, raspy voices singing passionate and expressive lyrics with hope surrounding life. It’s all playing in the background, this soundtrack of my life…
I thank you, Fall. Sincerely. You are my friend. You’ve got what I need. But most of all, you’ve got my love. You’ve so recklessly given me this happy heart.
Let me ask you something sweet reader friends of mine: do you get sick of me loving love? I do it a lot. Today is no different. So…. if you do get sick of it stop reading now. But, if you’re totally addicted to loving it too, then keep reading. I promise warm fuzzies. and if you don’t get them, I suggest you enter therapy-seriously…
Before you go on though, know this:
my mouth speaks from that which fills my heart.
I used to stand close to my dad. I just barely came up to his hands. And my nose would rub him just long enough for him to look down at me and say, “Snicklefritz! Your nose is freezing.” Then he would pick me up and hold me a little tighter, a lot closer. Daddy lovin’. He’s the best, most greatest man I’ve ever loved. And my mom, the best, most greatest woman. She used to make me breakfast with my clothes tucked tightly into hers until the last moment when it was finally time to get dressed. I mean, Mom! Seriously, why didn’t you just throw them in the dryer? Since then, I’ve realized, I didn’t get just any warmth. I got her warmth. And her hands. Oh her hands. So soft, so tiny, but SO WARM. Always. To this day, I can sit next to her and snuggle my hands into hers and be warmed not just because she’s holding me, but because she is loving me.
With this season change, I’ve been expectant of my cold nose, of my cold hands. In fact, in all honesty, I am anticipating finishing this post so that I can snuggle up to their love right now (we’re never too old)…. but I promised warm fuzzies. Here they come. What I did not expect was this:
We FROZE as we waited for the bus. Ryan ran around with endless energy. Keri and Ethan snuggled in the stroller like siblings that actually really do love each other. And then I heard my favorite words. “Hold me ‘icole.” So I did. And as Ethan snuggled his cold nose into my warm neck, I held him a little tighter, a lot closer. And then I went to Keri. I wrapped my other arm around her. My hand cupped her cheek. And I received the worlds greatest compliment behind the most darling smile. “Your hands are so warm.” Now, you know as well as I do, why these exact words were so special to me. I stood there contemplating this new found love, this new season, literally, and I loved a little more.
I ran errands for Anna yesterday. Let me say this much. Not only do I have a new love and understanding of mothers. I have a new respect too. These women that I work for, they are strong, smart, caring, and amazing mothers. AMAZING. I continue to learn…
I’ve learned to take Victor a snack, no matter when or where it is I pick him up. He does not like cereal bars, but he loves smoothie drinks. I had a request for the “green one you said was powdery” yesterday. And the songs. Turn up the ones he loves, and change the radio FAST for the ones he doesn’t. I’ve learned to understand really understand Henry’s day by the tone of his voice.
Ahhh this nanny-love. It’s the next closest thing to mommy-love. I’ll take it, I’ll give it. I had to close my eyes as I felt myself adjust to this new life and this new overwhelming desire of mine. I’m
a little more a lot ready to be some miracle’s unconditional love. For that miracle to be mine to love. MINE to fill these arms.
so as I wait. I’ll cherish these miracles instead. I’ll be their unconditional love.
and if that wasn’t enough to at least give me warm fuzzies, I then heard this:
Jackson: “Umm… Mmmicole? We don’t want mommy and daddy to come home.”
Me: “What?! Why not?!”
Jackson: “because then you leave and I don’t want you to. Stay forever and ever and ever and ever and everrrrrrrrrrr”
I spent yesterday with 7 amazing kids. From start to finish. and I found contentment AND readiness within this new season. Life is good friends. SO GOOD. This is my cup of tea. It’s mine. And with each sip, I’m harvesting (pun totally intended) every moment. EVERY MOMENT.
My favorite words, “Hold me, ‘icole. HOLD ME!!” My favorite “Do my hair like this.” My favorite smile. My favorite “I love you.” My favorite laugh. My favorite lisp. My favorite stutter. and I’m in love.
So recklessly in love.
Happy weekend from Sasha bear and I.
The HOTTTT new vet had good things to say, VERY GOOD THINGS!
In my head I said this back to him, “So we’ll see you every week for the next six months of rehab, right Doctor? And if you want you can check me out too…please….”