The phrase I’ve been running from. That Christian girl is the one who gets mad at a friend because there were no single guys at her wedding like she said there would be. That Christian girl. The one who went to Bible college and obtained her MRS. degree instead of her BS and became a stay at home mom using cloth diapers. That Christian girl that pairs her first name with his last name as though she is meeting the criteria of her check list if it “rings a bell.” That Christian girl, the one who should have been married at 20 with a kid at 21/22. That Christian girl that sees love for rainbows and butterflies and make believe fairy tales instead of sometimes the real life horror story that it is.
But that’s not me. Hah! That’s honestly who I admitting-ly am judging. That’s who I’ve spent years running from, trying not to become. I’m still succeeding. Because I’m “this” Christian girl. The one who has been scared to date for the past 4 years because of living in a semi-fish bowl. But guess what, those days are over, over, over– OVER, DAMNIT! Because dating is fun and kissing is funner. And being daring, crazy, and free is charming with it’s limited expectations, spontaneity, and surprises. Oh, I’m here.
So let me share with you “my” men, because sometimes, I like being not so private. Hell, I have a blog that reveals some of my inner thoughts, how private can I really be??
There was “Staf”. I liked him, here’s why: he kissed me deep because I’m a spurs fan. No really. I screamed for joy over a win. And he kissed me. Like, just got in there and kissed me. with gusto and strength. He didn’t hold back like “those” Christian boys. Staf kissed me with confidence. And it was fun! It was unexpected, and I may have been a little flustered because of it, but holy buckets my friends. THAT was fun!
Then there was “Nat”. He knows my mentor in Omaha. Oh my gosh, is he the one? It must mean something. It’s a sign… *rolls eyes so far back you can’t see them* He is the one… the one who said, “You’re going to HAVE to come out with me.” Sorry, not that much confidence. I don’t have to do anything with you… He was “that” Christian boy that doesn’t believe in being friends with the opposite sex……. I have major thoughts on this.
Then there was the “handshaker”. “I like you a lot.” “You make me laugh.” “You have a gorgeous smile.” “I want something serious.” “I like how I can’t stop talking you you.” “You’re personality is addicting.” “Well, it was nice meeting you…” and gives me a handshake. Is anyone else totally confused by this?!
And Rye. Yes, like the bread. I even asked to clarify. He’s the one who asked personal questions, in a nosy, condescending way, that for whatever reason kept me captivated far longer than I needed to be. Who knew there were “those” Christian boys that judge you because of your past and while forgetting the real concept of grace. And they claim to be spiritual leaders… Guess what Rye–you’re far from it. You are missing out, because, truth is, your life will be boring if you don’t take risks. I was worth one of them.
And the dog poop guy. The one who I write about and keep secret. When if you know me at all, you know it’s really no secret at all……….
I believe in the power of prayer. In the power of the Holy Spirit moving deeper and far into our lives and hearts than our minds are willing to let us know. Until it’s time. Guess what, it’s time. It’s been six years that I’ve been praying for your heart, yours dog-poop guy!!, four years since I met you, two years since I fell in love with you, and one day since I fell out of love with you. And you know what the best part of it is, we both still win. Him with a ready heart, and me with mine. Here’s what I’ve learned from his. DON’T play it safe. DON’T fight what people say. DON’T say things to please. AND DON’T NOT NOTICE ME unless you really mean to. And here’s what mine taught me. TAKE RISKS-because if you’re afraid to love, you’re never going to let yourself when it is staring you in the face. So that’s what I did. I took a risk. And guess what, my heart survived. And it has stronger faith then it did to start off with. So yes. we both win. and we both move on.
Here’s how I’m doing it. I’m being “this” Christian girl that gets noticed for being me. The spurs fan that he liked to make fun of. The independent girl that was so strong it scared him. The one with a smile that still radiates love–the real, self-sacrificing kind that he chose to deny. The one with an addicting personality. The one with a past that makes me thankful for grace and hopeful for more. The one that is liked for being me. The one who is more honest because of him. The one who has made a choice to be daring, a vow to be crazy in fun and in sadness and especially in love. I’m the one who has made a conscious decision to place no expectations on where life is going to take me, except for one, and that’s to happiness. Because there’s newness and I’m diving deep into it with it’s ruthless laughs and butterfly flattery and laaattttteeee nights.
Can I tell you btw- this new man, he flatters, enough! He “defined” me last night….and I liked it. A LOT! (ps a man never defines you ladies, he just observes who God made you…) “I like that you desire to be in tune with God’s will. I really appreciate how you seem to think your way through situations.” He obviously hasn’t seen my impulsivity yet… “…That was apparent when I was watching your face while you tried to understand why in the world you wanted to come out for a drink tonight. That’s rare. You aren’t like a lot of girls.” He knew that right away. “You let yourself be emotional, but you don’t let your emotions rule you.” He knows because of my honesty. “You were dealing with fear but didn’t let it control you.” And then he scored, BIGGER than he already was! “I need to be cognizant of your emotions.”
I need to stop writing. For four reasons. 1-it’s making me smile so much my jaw is starting to hurt. 2- I’m a little lost in my mind. 3- He’ll probably read this post later, and I’ll let him, and like it. 4- I need to go get ready for a morning with my seester and god-daughter and lunch with dog poop man and favorite golfer man. Tis going to be a good day. Tis already is.
smile. smile big.