So, having such a large support system is a blessing. It’s more than a blessing…. never a hindrance, unless of course you have news to share. One post on facebook by a third party person (ahem…stephanie…) and I’m bombarded with texts, phone calls, emails, and facebook messages…. But you are a blessing. You, my friends and family are sweet, sweet blessings…which is why I KNOW you’ll support me as I share “the news…”
I started writing this post on Tuesday afternoon…when I made up my mind. God’s love leads, and here’s where He’s taken me. In the words of Bethany Dillion, “What was a whisper is now a voice calling out….”
It’s a little scattered… hang with me and try really hard to follow, it WILL come together.
Some of the first words I heard this morning were, “I should have opened with a positive. I ruined it opening with a negative.”
So that’s what I’m about to do, be positive. POSITIVE. GO. And then I’m going to try to skip the negative…
I’m happy in the Midwest. My heart is in the Midwest, where the cornfields smell fresh and where those dirt roads make the car dusty. I’m found where the country music blares and the summer breeze on a cool night gives warm fuzzies and comfort. I’m me when I step out and see stars, when I wake to the sound of a rooster crowing (let’s get one thing straight though, not every morning, just that first morning…). I’m happy with this family, these constants.
But, I’m also me submerged in a culture that moves fast surrounded by honking horns and street lights and shopping, LOTS of shopping. I’m me among a loving and supportive family that longs to see me find happiness, contentment, where I am. I’m me with my kids at CPC that know my laugh and my heart, the kids that I want to see to the end…
But I’m even more me driving down 680 and Dodge on my way to Village Pointe. I’m more me eating Sushi with my bestie at Blue and drinking margs at Roja. I’m most me tearing up hearing a little boy say, “Nicole, please stay a little bit longer. Thwee mowe days. You can buy a house in ouw neighbowhood.” this little boy is special. I loved him since before he was born. Jack. My sweet, Jacky… I’m more me sitting face to face telling Jill about my sorted love life, crying over heartache, and crying over God’s beautiful work amidst brokenness and unknowns, crying through her words of encouragement, her volumes of wisdom. She’s the one who told me to make-out with boys and have fun dating..that’s some fun wisdom. Just FUN, just about the BEST advice I’ve ever been given. Thanks, Jill …and my ex’s thank you too.
And that’s me positive. POSITIVE that this here is still my home. Home-aha, where my heart lies deep in the lovelies of the Midwest. It’s still my home.
The truth is, I miss this. I want this. I want to wake up and look out to see this anytime I want, not just because I was feeling impulsive and ready to move.
Annnnd here’s the negative, I’m not content in Virginia…or am I? I tried to stay positive because I hate being negative. But sorry friends, here’s more. Knowing that I’m longing for contentment almost prevents me from moving forward because of fear when really what it should be doing is encouraging me to do something about it…. So I took charge… yeah right… it went more like this: I cried. I cried like a baby. I bawled my eyes out. I sobbed. Wait. I’m still sobbing. I hate leaving. I still hate leaving. I questioned, like I do best.
Why?! How?! Lord, my God, why?! Take me where I need to be…SHOW ME where I need to be.
And then I realized, I’m a little crazy. A lot crazy. A little impulsive. Hah! You know me better than that, I’m A LOT impulsive. So on Friday night, I cried as my heart yearned for my homeland… and then I bought a ticket with some spare (really spare) change out of more savings. And I went HOME. I went to my home-aha.
Aha. My home: where I watched the beauty of love committed. Where I danced. Where I fell on my butt, twice. Where I drove through a ditch. Where I sped down I-90 racing to happiness. Where someday, I’ll commit my love too. Because THIS is where I’m most me. That THERE is me shining.
So again I ask, “Why, God?!” because nothing is an accident. And because everything happens for a reason. Was my reason for being the crazy, impulsive me, just to make the bride and groom smile? Or was it something so much more? It was, it was!
I may be impulsive. I may be crazy. But not without reason. Not without finding a meaning. That’s not what God would have for me on this trip. No. He has me awakening, He keeps me growing. Because remember, I welcomed Him back. And here He is.
He’s telling me this future of mine will prosper and that these moments are to be enjoyed while I can, wherever I am, even if I can’t. This is where I’m to share my love because I’m getting closer to the brighter side of the road. So every time I want to cry, every time I want to walk away, I stop. Because it will be alright. This is alright.
This wasn’t me running away and Dad, it wasn’t me wasting more money. It was me running to something. Me clearing my head, and yes, even clearing my heart. I said I would, I am, and I did. This is me taking a chance on faith to get through another day with another chance to keep shining through. So…
I will, with tears of sadness and tears of hope walk away from my “home.”
I will see morning light there.
I will be blessed with other chances.
I will be made into a more beautiful me that is shaped with more patience, more kindness, more strength, but mostly more of who God intends for me to be.
I will stay motivated along this path.
I will land on this firm and prospering ground.
His Love will not let me go, it’s brighter. It’s fairer. And it’s alright. That’s why, that’s how I’ll keep crossing over to the brighter side of the road, the end is in sight, whether it’s here…Or there……………
there. I think I choose there. this is my chance. this is my only option.
no. it’s not
I was one job away from packing up my life here and moving to what used to be my home. One job, finally. But God threw me in the deep end instead, and I swam hard with the current to where He really needs me. And that’s here, where I am now. So no, I am not moving to my home-aha. But I am moving home.
On October 28, I will say goodbye to Centreville and make the 22033 a better place with Nicole Paullin as it’s newest resident. I started taking classes today. And in a few short months, I will be a full-time grad student studying Counseling and Development with an concentration in School Counseling. This is the blessing and chance God is giving me to keep doing what I love, to shape me into that patient person who is kind, who is strong, and who is led by Him. This path is good; it’s long (about 2 years worth) but it’s mine.
Remember these words I heard earlier in the summer:
A person is defined by four elements: spiritual life, thoughts, emotions, and physical being. I like that you desire to be in tune with God’s will. I really appreciate how you seem to think your way through situations. That was apparent when I was watching your face while you tried to understand why in the world you wanted to come out with me. You aren’t like a lot of girls. You let yourself be emotional, but you don’t let your emotions rule you. You don’t let fear control you. You looked great.
He would look at me, and just give me this “look.” It’d stop me in my tracks and he’d say, “You’re really pretty. Your eyes, your lips. You’re really pretty.”
It’s crazy that just two short months ago I was this person. The one in tune with God’s will. That’s something that other always see in me. I’ve always liked that about me. But where was it these last couple months. Why did I escape that? But I’m back. And here’s me in tune with God’s will, it says, “I need you here.”
And I think. I do think things through–though not then, that’s exactly why I fell. I may be impulsive, but reason does come, eventually. I think, I’ve thought that this is the best decision I can make for me now, and for my future. I am moving back in with my parents to replenish my life savings, to go to school full-time, and to savor the blessings that they are.
And I am emotional. I want so badly to be where my heart is… and I’m not scared to follow it, but these feelings won’t rule me. They won’t, which is why, I’ve chosen to stay.
And me. This is how God made me. To run, not away but to. To smile not just with my awesome teeth, but with these awesome eyes that people can see through. The ones that speak to say and see this is my life, a love song to Him.
I’m back. My life has changed. But I’m still me. And this is the best me yet. Here, where God needs me.