Those mornings when I used to wake up slowly– lay in bed, scroll through Facebook, make some sort of smoothie, do some serious Bible studying, go for a run… those are the mornings I’ve missed. And while I love waking up to a man who not only still loves me, but loves me more now than he did when I started writing this post…it’s not the same.
I was shopping for towels yesterday, and while the $7.99 one was absolutely soft and fluffy, the $12.99 one had a different feeling of hugs and loves. So I went with the $9.99 ones instead. Easy compromise… -ish. And maybe I just need to come to terms that my person, this “me” is always going to strive for more– for the next best thing.
I have this amazing job right now that lets me spend 10 hours a day with my neicy-girl and my cousin-girl, but it has me sleeping 5 hours a night. And I haven’t had the energy to run in I don’t know how long. And the cooking that I used to love is now one of the biggest chores because lives LITERALLY depend on it (and apparently so do the 20 pounds I’ve gained since meeting Trey).
And I can’t help but strive for and plan what is next… the next when my runs are back and when my longing for him reunites me with a deeper longing for Him..
We’re doing a sermon series at church called “breathing room.” Apparently the Spirit is speaking “pause” to us this summer. He’s telling us to stop scheduling on top of the schedules and to just seek He who matters most, trusting in Him beyond the “what’s next.”
In the interviews upon interviews that have my anxiety snapping at Trey every time someone mentions “job” I have told myself that it’s one tiny piece in our lives that are awaiting a priceless inheritance that’s eternal. Trusting more in His timing than our own is the strongest thing keeping me sane. It’s the only thing to do to keep my head above the water as the never-ending questions roar in like tidal-high waves that even the worlds greatest surfers couldn’t catch. So I ignore the questions as part of my own personal boundary and business and mostly sanity, and I clench to the strength of my soon-to-be husband with each let down holding on to him and Him a little tighter as He clenches to our Maker. 109 days, Baby. What a rock…
ps. I don’t really know how to take it that he is g-chatting me about jobs right now….
And so today, on this break that I’ve needed scheduled in my schedule, I turn to 1 Peter and within the first few verses am reminded of a God that loves so fiercely, me. Beyond my own words or our own understanding, loves me so deep enough that long ago, He “knew me,” and “chose me” ….
And when I prayed for years that this man would “choose” me I was missing the part that God, chose me first, for him…. and now for “them.” So I still sit here with the schedule of my day running through my head like sand through an hour glass and remember that He’s chosen me for them, the sweet children that are awaiting His work in me for them. But I wait, trusting that in these moments, He’s working it something absolutely perfect and wonderful, not just for me, but for us– Trey and I.
So a little encouragement that’s come to me as I try and plan the days in front of me not forgetting these that are behind:
If you decide for God, living a life of God-worship, it follows that you don’t fuss about what’s on the table at mealtimes or whether the clothes in your closet are in fashion. There is far more to your life than the food you put in your stomach, more to your outer appearance than the clothes you hang on your body. Look at the birds, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, careless in the care of God. And you count far more to him than birds.
Has anyone by fussing in front of the mirror ever gotten taller by so much as an inch? All this time and money wasted on fashion—do you think it makes that much difference? Instead of looking at the fashions, walk out into the fields and look at the wildflowers. They never primp or shop, but have you ever seen color and design quite like it? The ten best-dressed men and women in the country look shabby alongside them.
If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don’t you think he’ll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I’m trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God’s giving. People who don’t know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don’t worry about missing out. You’ll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.
Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.
Matthew 6, The Message
..There is wonderful joy ahead.