I’m singing. You can’t hear me, (obviously), but let me play it out for you. It’s a soft voice (and for you smart ones, no really, I CAN have a soft voice). It’s not a whisper of a song, more of an almost silent fight with myself to hold back tears. Tears of joy, tears of grief, tears of many questions. But also in my song lies sincerity, hope, trust, love. It’s the Spirit moving in my heart. He’s telling me that He’ll work all things together for MY good.
This happy, smiling soul of mine had a sad day. Today we buried a dear sister-in-Christ, Jan. In a word, she was light. Her smile was warmth on a winter day, much like today; all to perfect to host her witness to the resurrection in the house of the Lord. Jan was 60 years old, a victim to pancreatic cancer. I hate the word cancer. Worse, I hate it when combined with the other word, pancreatic.
This one, it’s close, too close to the grief I still feel and often fight just thinking about my Aunt Be loosing her battle nearly eight years ago. These two women, were some of the most giving, most loving, most happy people any one could be so blessed to know. Life cut short all too soon by [insert hated word here]. Did they really loose? Or did we just lose them? Both given life everlasting, so as I grieve, I face an envy that while I weep at such a loss, they weep at the feet of my savior. For His Love never fails. That same love that comforts me now also receives them with open arms and a voice that says “Well done my good and faithful servants.”
Sometimes it feels all to good to cry. To rest with tears that are wiped away by my Lord. That is real comfort. Tonight, I lie in bed cold, covered by five blankets, chocked by a red scarf (red because it’s a color of passion), a sweater that hugs me when I need it, and with a dog that rests her head in my lap with the puppy eyes staring at me and thoughts that say, “but I’m here loving you…”
I study His Word. Then, I sing:
WHY DO I FEEL DISCOURAGED? WHY DO THE SHADOWS COME? AND WHY DOES MY HEART FEEL LONELY?…. WHEN JESUS IS MY PORTION, A CONSTANT FRIEND IS HE. HIS EYE IS ON THE SPARROW, AND I KNOW HE WATCHES ME. SO I SING BECAUSE I’M HAPPY, AND I SING BECAUSE I’M FREE. HIS EYE IS ON THE SPARROW AND I KNOW HE WATCHES ME.
If there were three people I could have coffee with, not even dinner, just 30 minutes, short, but worth everything to me, I’d choose my Aunt Be, my Granddad (who would have just celebrated his 99th birthday yesterday), and the love of my life. I’d want them to see me now, to see my independence, my love and devotion, my confidant, but most of all my smile that’s there just because I’m in their presence, supported. I want to hear about them meeting Jesus, about their life without discouragement, without shadows, without loneliness. And I want them to tell me what’s next. What’s next in this short life that ends too suddenly? Is it hope because these tears scream to keep hoping. And is it trust? Because I’m trusting so much in what the Spirit is leading me to. And as I cry with sincerity and love, with a raw and open heart tonight, I feel the joy that only His love can give. I sing because we’re free. I sing because His eye is on ME, and I know He’s watching me.
GOD, MY GOD, I YELLED FOR HELP AND YOU PUT ME TOGETHER. GOD, YOU PULLED ME OUT OF THE GRAVE, GAVE ME ANOTHER CHANCE AT LIFE WHEN I WAS DOWN-AND-OUT. ALL YOU SAINTS! SING YOUR HEARTS OUT TO GOD! THANK HIM TO HIS FACE! …ACROSS A LIFETIME THERE IS ONLY LOVE. THE NIGHTS OF CRYING YOUR EYES OUT GIVE WAY TO DAYS OF LAUGHTER.
(PSALM 30:2-5 MSG)