I didn’t know where I was going. I still don’t, but this much I do. God is taking my life and each passion of mine, each gift of mine and turning them into something of eternal value. And each time He does, each time He has, I find myself falling flatter on my face saying, “Lord, I’m SO NOT worthy!” And the beauty of it is that each time I do, “He reaches down and helps me up…again.”
Life is a process. It’s not what we do, it’s what Christ does in us. None of it is a mistake. None of it is to be lived with regrets. None of it is to be taken seriously, instead it’s to be taken passionately. I was asked the question today, “If you had to live your life over, would you do it?” Hell yeah I would. I would sit in the bathtub sulking over loneliness and despair with a bottle of tequila in one hand and a steamy book in the other. I would stand on a bar in Boston dancing to the Black Eyed Peas. I would fall on my face in front of a very cute man, all. over. again. I would love my kids so good to the point that they see Christ’s love, feel it deep in their souls, because of Him in me. All. over. again. Because my life, it’s not a mistake, it’s a masterpiece that’s still yet to be completed. These numbered days are not a mistake, they’re not to be overlooked. They’re perfect and they need to be delighted, reveled, and lived with every ounce of animation and vitality. This road is perfect. It’s so everything I need it to be. It’s good. It’s the sweetest thing, so truly good.
I have this friend. He used to come over and we’d cook and eat pie and watch movies and talk. Like really talk, really process wants, desires, needs, and ourselves, lots about ourselves. We talked good. He asked me today about my photography. He goes “you left out that piece of the pie.” And last night, the new guy (the one who gives me goosebumps when he kisses me), I told him the truth (I tell him a lot of truths and he smiles and raises an eyebrow at me wanting more of it). Here’s part of it, I had no idea four months ago that I would have my own photography business. None AT ALL! The truth is, I liked keeping this part of me a secret. I liked withholding a love, an artsy passion. But now I don’t. I “don’t” a lot of things anymore. Because it’s time, and this road is moving forward. These new passions of mine are becoming more and more real and my Lord is helping me up, and up, and up, and UP and showing me that I am. I am indeed so worth to be His, to be his.
I’m moving forward. And with that comes many thoughts, many surrendered plans, much loss of expectations, and many, many lots of things. Seriously my friends, I am lost in my mind with these things. I am on a long road of leaving many dreams behind, skipping out of many “pieces of pie”, and doing things completely out of the ordinary, because I can. ooh oohhhh oohhhhh <insert me singing here>.
I think this new spirit is getting to people. and I love that. I love being loved. Like, um, seriously, it’s the most humbling feeling in the world. I love that when people see me, they smile, and they hug, tightly and good, so so GOOD! I love that they say “how are you doing?” and mean it, really, really mean it good. Sincerely. GOOD! And when I respond, I mean it, sincerely good, I mean it, finally!
I am moving forward, leaving much behind. much. Taking in much and getting lost in my eternal life that’s adventurous and lovely because it’s been written by a Savior who saves. There’s Power in this road, it’s the closest I’ve seen His face in a while. In love, in life, in everything. There’s His power and it’s the sweetest thing. This road is leading me to His heart and I’m so lost in it. So lost and it’s good! This road, it’s damn good!