About a month ago, I swore off blogging as part of a message I gave to my kids, just for a week. It was called, “Possession Confession.” The ironic thing was that here, I go weeks and weeks, months and MONTHS between blog entries, yet for one week, I couldn’t do it. It’s that whole idea of forbidden fruit. We want what we can’t have. And I found that as the theme for the past, mmm maybe 10-ish years of my life.
The message came at the most perfect time, too! It was in the middle of thanksgiving. I need to be thankful for what I have, yada, yada, yada. ______ is a blessing from God to satisfy my daily needs, yada, yada, yada. Do I really need that new pair of triple bailey button uggs in black (which I still want)? Do I really need to run on my state of the art treadmill? Do I really need to use my $150 hair straightner? Even tv- I challenged myself to replace it with something that would grow me closer to God (for 2 days), EPIC FAIL!
I had this urge to blog. To tell my five readers what life is like without my straightner. My friend told me my hair was “so full of body.” I felt so full of body, and I couldn’t blog it. I thought of about 5000 different blog entries. One is in the making; it’s my list of pet peeves (in fact, I might make it a permanent tab on my front page, I find it’s continually growing). I reached a point where I realized I had to revert back to the old times, the old days, the days when I used pen and paper. <I’d like to insert note here: since I bought the iPad, I almost never write on a pad and paper. I honestly think I’m forgetting my handwriting>
Any way. sorry. In thinking about those days when I would write and write and write, I decided this might be the time to go back and read and read and read. If you know me, which all five of you do, you know that I hate reading. TOTALLY. But I did. I pulled out journals from when I was in high school. The ones that said “I’m going to be married by the time I am 19. We’re going to be rich and live in a big house with 3 dogs and no kids, I’ll be 22, a practicing dentist by then.” Mmmm… not so much. NO REALLY, not so much! married at 19. rich. big house. 3 dogs. no kids <– well that’s actually okay…DENTIST. I couldn’t help but think how different my life would be now. Where would “we” be living? Would I really be happy? What kind of dogs?(because I really like boxers, and I have a new intriguing thing for airedales). It scared me, thinking of where my plan would have me instead of where God’s plan led me. So I dropped that journal and moved onto the next.
2006. “Matt and I are going to be at the beach condo in Wildwood with his family by this time next week. I pray his family loves me, and that I love them too. I’m nervous to meet my future family. What if they compare me to her?” There was a time when I would read that one and shut it right away. This time, it led me to pray for him. To pray a lot for him, and when I did, that opened a(whole)nother door, <insert one of the 5000 blog entries here>. The thing is, while I did fall in love with his family (and I’m pretty sure them with me), again, I couldn’t help but think of where my plan would have me <married by now??> God, I literally could not even imagine, so thank you for leading me along your plan.
2008. “I love my job. I love my friends from church. But the truth is, God, I’m ready to go home. I’m saving this money, and the moment you tell me to, I’m on a u-haul back to O-town!” Funny, but I got to Spring 2009. It said the same thing, one addition, “as soon as I finish my pre-reqs and DAT (dental admission test), I’m on a u-haul back to O-town!” Here’s from the November of 2009: “I don’t know what is about to happen, but God, I pray you take me where I need to be according to your plan. deliver me, Jesus!” And from then on I hoped and hoped it would be in Omaha, but as I hoped, he built me here.
That’s when I went to the blogs, not all of them, but the ones where I saw His plan. And that’s where they became so much more than just my writing. I like to write. It’s how I express that “full of body” feeling no matter if it’s me in love, sad, lost, captivated, it’s a big part of me.
So I title this “to where the writing leads…” me. I have no idea, but I like my story, and I like praying my story. There used to be times when I felt my story was a waste, and now I see, it’s been the biggest part of me. I like my broken heart and plans, but more, I love to where You lead me.