If you know me, you know I’m by no means a reader, a writer, not a reader. I’m twenty five, and I think I can finally say that I’ve read two hands worth of books (cover to cover at least). Here’s one that I’ve been thinking about lately, especially as I go through the job process, it’s called Who I am in Christ, by Neil Aderson. It’s a book about finding yourself at the center of Christ’s love in His kingdom.
I read this book in college for a class called Evangelism and Spiritual Life. It was one of my favorites, because I can pinpoint the class (and the book) as one of the mile markers that helped me to realize that the Spirit has given me a gift and passion to share my Saviors love with others. Today I’m finding that I need to go back to those days only this time find a passion to share His love with myself.
I don’t know who I am anymore. I’m neglecting friendships that don’t deserve dissolvement. And I’m turning to the easiest thing in denial, that my God really does hear my prayers. And worst of all, I find myself denying how authoritative Scripture is in my life because I’m no longer trusting all that it says. I know He loves me, but how much really? I mean, do I reallyneed to question it? because I kind of am.
How content am I with my life, as I wait upon Him to do His thing out of love for me? How trusting am I that He will hear my prayer after my obedience to Himbecause of His love for me? Am I listening more to others around me than to His Spirit in my heart? To be honest, yeah, I kind of am…even then He still loves me? That’s a whole lot of freaking love. I used to freely accept it, and now I’m wondering if I even deserve it.
And that’s not at all who I am and that’s sure as hell not, who I became in Evangelism and Spiritual Life. The “me” that I want back is the “me” that doesn’t let the circumstances in life dictate who I become and especially what my faith has become. Because quite honestly after reading that book, I learned that if I choose not to believe, it doesn’t make it go away. He’s still going to love me. He’s still going to have my back. And He’s still going to bless me. My only question is when???
I’ve chosen to believe that God will help me. As hard as it is to believe right now, I know that His love isn’t going to go away. His promises, they will NEVER go away. And me, this is who He has made me. I am good. I am fun. I am giving. And yeah, sometimes I can be a bitch on wheels. But I was “never designed to function independetly from Him.” And though I see myself starting to, trying to, I know that is not who I am. So because that’s who I am (maybe not at this exact moment), I choose to continue trusting in Him. I will choose to keep believeing in Him. Because He’s not going away, neither is His love for me.