Two nights ago, my insecurities won. I think I sunk to a new low that had me tossing and turning until 9am when I was tired and weary through a self-hate and guilt; easily the most unrestful hours I’ve faced for a very long time. I found myself reverting into what I know is wrong–what I know as a direct manifestation of this human superficiality that is sometimes too broken for my own good. My weakness has been found; in the shadows the goodness and happiness are hiding for fear they’ll be taken by my thoughtlessness and mistakes. This insecurity is messy and hard and ugly and quite frankly the most dangerous place I face these days…also perhaps where God has me fighting for trust, breathing for air, waiting on Him….finding restoration.
I’m reading this book by Timothy Keller and it’s taking me back to this state of vulnerability where trust is all I have; where fulfillment comes from One… Brokenness is mine, and somehow the embracement of it is more fulfilling upon every thought. It’s this brokenness that moves me to tears as I cry, “why me– so unworthy.” And it hits me hard, like a mack truck, this depth of my spiritual thirst for Him, Him who brings redemption and grace and forgiveness and love, purity, wholeness–holiness.
So He blesses. When I least deserve it, He blesses. When I can’t feel any uglier, He blesses. When I’m wandering, He blesses. He empties Himself of the Glory so unfathomable to bless me, and this eternal thirst for Him. I’m just so unworthy– but loved.
You are loved. Nic, you. are. loved.
My mommas. My church mommas, you are the best women in my life. As one put it tonight, they’re “the ones I’d call to help hide the body…” And I don’t even know where to start with their love for me, of this “life” that I’m still in search of finding. There’s so much love, the countless hours they spend listening to my rants, my “needs.” God, I’m so unworthy! They walk me through my simple and untamed rawness and find ways to mold it into the most beautiful growth. God, I’m so unworthy.
And when I’m with them– the wisdom, it pours into my glass of red and I can’t help but drink it up like Napa Valley.
The talks of love and sex and dreams and reality– the laughter that surrounds and softens my guilt with recognition of gained maturity and forever lost youthful ideals, and that’s okay. Spiritual warfare, conquered. And we celebrate, they push me forward. I like it. I need it. I want it. Push me Momma’s, over the edge and into His arms…push me, Momma’s, just push!
And that deep and special affection sings three words over and over again, “You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved.” God, I’m just so loved.
…being shown how to turn our backs on godless, indulgent life, and how to take on a God-filled, God-honoring life. THIS IS NEW LIFE STARTING RIGHT NOW…making us a people He can be proud of, energetic in goodness.
This gift has restored our relationship with Him and given us back our lives. And there’s more life to come– an eternity of life!
<excerpts from Titus (The Message)>
So much life. Life that’s loved…Keep pushing me Momma’s into that life that’s to come.
I wrote earlier this week of the inner beauty I’m seeing in my friends–His glory that’s so immeasurable. And as I sit with these ladies, I feel unworthy, humbled, blessed. Their friendship, their nurturing, their hopes, dreams, fears–all sung over me in this love of sweet mercies that I sometimes can’t handle….because of it’s magnitude of Him in them. And oh, it’s so comforting, like socks for cold feet, like Spirit for my weary, sleep for the unrested. and it’s so freakin’ everything I need, in them, through Him. And I’m unworthy.
Who am I to be loved this way?
But still: You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved.