I felt broken yesterday. There was this spirit with the most beautiful legacy that was left behind. And she lingered in their smiles… And I just had this grieving question that was buried behind the smiles and laughter of encouragement..why her?
And an anger rises as I realize (once again) that God is so much bigger than us, as I try to understand why and how his “greatness” is so incomprehensible, when really all this human in me just keeps crying out, “but God, my God, it’s not freakin’ fair.”
And life’s just not fair: the failures that create walls, the memories that are still so fresh that instead they become regrets. And it’s not fair because the happy moments that go in memory books didn’t include her smile and her tears of joy. And it’s not fair because the fight isn’t easy, clinging to the Miracle. And the hope is hard because there’s guilt when you can’t find it. And so instead we sit here and say that we’re going to keep trusting…. Because through the brokenness, God will turn bitterness into something sweet like freshly baked autumn bread just like He always does. And because through the brokenness there’s light at the end of the tunnel for you, and for you, and for me, and for all of us.. And because through the brokenness we wake up stronger, newer people ready to fight for what we all know we want and deserve. And because the Spirit that lingers has lingered for an eternity into our numbered days, holding us; so we rise up on His wings even still with our anger and questions and mistrusts, holding on to one thing, Him…. Maybe two, each other.
And so God, my God, I thank you. For brokenness, and anger, and guilt, and hope, and Your Son and His grace, and my peoples that are your peoples. You make it beautiful…