My friend came over on Wednesday and we joked about pregnancy–how some have it so “easy” while others have it “not so easy.” I’m probably somewhere in between considering everything we went through to “get pregnant.” A couple of months ago, she reminded me about that time I said “I wish pregnant women didn’t complain about their symptoms because at least they are pregnant and didn’t have to shoot themselves up to get there!” That was as I was sitting in her living room popping preggy pops because of how dizzy I was throughout my first trimester. 1- Preggy pops are a lifesaver. 2- I was also complaining last night from about 2-4am as I laid in bed with heartburn that’s been mutilating my poor, little esophagus since week 9 and that tickling, dull round ligament pain. Together at 2 in the morning, they were intimidating me out of the new mantra I’ve found where I tell myself upon every anxious thought “It’s OKAY. There were two strong heartbeats. You saw them dancing. You felt God’s spirit. It’s OKAY.”
I sat with another friend a few weeks ago who battled infertility for 10 years and we talked about how weird it is that I’ve become *that* person. That “complain-y” person even after I make it a point to pray for the others (read about that here) almost more than for our family. When we were in our two week wait (TWW in fertility talk) window to see if our little embryos decided to camp out for nine months, Trey kept telling me, “We prayed for this. God has brought us this far..” And so in telling you all this, I think I’ve found my new mantra to repeat after each complaint, “this is all part of His answered prayer!” Also, there’s that verse in Genesis (3:16) where God tells Eve, “I will make your pains in childbearing very severe; with painful labor you will give birth to children.” See… even there His promises never fail! …stupid apple.
Anyway. Among all these discussions with friends and even after our last blog post that I linked above, I realize there are so many conversations that are still circling around unanswered questions and curiosity of how we got here. I asked some of our people to give me some questions that I can publicly answer addressing our IVF story, IVF in general, and most importantly, how to support your friends struggling through infertility. Stick around, if not for you then for the 1 in 8.
Without further adieu..
- When did you know that you were “infertile?” Growing up, I can distinctly remember having a fear that something was wrong with me; missing school every month, irregular periods, nauseating pain when they finally did show up. I can even remember in my mid-twenties really struggling with that same fear that something would prevent me from “child bearing.” That said, *GASP* I convinced Trey to start “trying” the August before our wedding in November because I just KNEW it wouldn’t happen before then. Girls- DON’T DO THAT for a number of reasons. I’ve lost count of how many friends we have who were pregnant after one try. It just wasn’t the same for us. That December, I had an ovarian cyst that ruptured sending us to a new GYN who decided to test us a little early because of other symptoms I had been experiencing. That’s when I was officially diagnosed with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome… see the awesome infographic from US NEWS down below for details). My post prevalent symptom being that my body wasn’t releasing the egg that Trey needed to fertilize. We knew that the diagnosis alone would make our chances of conceiving the more natural and fun way less likely. We also knew that we’d need help. Cue the drugs. (also- if you watch This is Us, I gave them a standing ovation after their season premiere. Thank you NBC for highlighting a battle that has gone unnoticed for way too long! P.S. Kate Pearson and I are clearly soul-sisters. It’s now confirmed.)
- What treatments did you try? The short of it is… EVERYTHING. For most infertile couples, the first or standard regimen is Clomid. Basically, since my body wasn’t ovulating, Clomid is the miracle drug to get those eggs moving. It didn’t work. That’s when we were referred to a dumb, money hungry, con-artist fertility doctor. He decided to try put me on Letrozole (it’s actually a drug that is given to breast cancer patients) but has a similar effect to Clomid and combine it with IUI (artificial insemination… basically dropping Trey’s tadpoles right into my uterus.) P.S. Trey was tested and passed with flying colors so we knew the problem really was me. Talk about the best self-confidence booster, EVER. AND some of those tests were really painful– like… I threw up kind of painful. We did 3 IUIs before realizing that this doctor had no idea what he was doing. The more research we did, the more we realized we were a statistic (again) and this time more than the 1 in 8. Apparently, the chances of a successful pregnancy after 3 failed IUIs drops drastically. That’s when my dad was diagnosed with cancer. We took a short break.
- So then afterwards you just, like… found a new doctor and did IVF? Kind of, yeah. Once we had my Dad’s treatment plan under control we went back to ours. We knew we needed a more reputable fertility clinic so we decided on Shady Grove (some of my clients had recommended it and told us about a money back guarantee program which we desperately wanted after what we had experienced before). I wanted the IVF and I wanted it NOW (especially if it gave our babies any chance of getting to know my dad). We LOVED our new doctor and trusted her immensely… but once again, we got bad news. I wasn’t a candidate for IVF because of my insulin resistance (brought on by PCOS) and a higher than preferred hemoglobin A1C. That’s when we decided to trust God and see what He could do for us in the waiting (while I did everything I could to bring it down). He did A LOT. We got to behold every second with my dad, building our new home, taking him to doctor’s appointments, sitting with him, listening to war stories… and eventually waking with him every 2-3 hours to help him go to the bathroom. I will forever say this whole living arrangement was the second/third best decision of my life (Jesus, Trey, Dad– in that order). What a gift! But still no pregnancy and a really hard goodbye with Dad. That’s when we decided to adopt. You can read about that here. Among the midst of grief in the waiting, I decided to go back on my anti-depressants/anti-anxieties. That’s when my PCP gave me some of the best news I’d had in a long time. 1- I didn’t need them and 2- It was time to call our fertility doctor again because I could do IVF; my A1C had dropped drastically. Long story short, it was one year later and yeah, we just did IVF.
- And what is IVF exactly? DUH! It’s when science meets the miracle of life that God created. Just kidding- kind of… but not really. Ohhhh, IVF is so much more. In Vitro Fertilization. Lots of shots; I think we counted well over 200 in my one cycle. Lots of emotions.. because.. HOLY HORMONES. Bruises. Ultrasounds (to monitor that all those meds are doing their job), and still so much more. Would you believe part of my drug regimen even included birth control to get control of my cycle so we knew when exactly to start each med. Here’s the kicker: we used all of this… and still had to order more.
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First, the meds made my ovaries over produce eggs. In our case, since my body hadn’t been releasing the eggs on it’s own, I had a lot of eggs to be harvested. Yup- my body was farmed. You may remember Trey’s blog post about it– if not you can check it out here. For me, this was by far the hardest physical part of our infertility. My ovaries which are naturally the size of pecans grew to be the size of grapefruits. Under sedation, the doctor went in (vaginally) and aspirated or “retrieved” 30-something eggs from my giant ovaries before they released on their own (that was a lot– but my protocol is different. EVERY WOMAN IS DIFFERENT and there is no set number to aim for–it only takes one healthy one!) From there, the eggs were placed in a petri dish, right next to Trey’s “deposit” and our DNA loved on each other (kind of like we do, hah!). We had a lot of eggs that fertilized within that first day, but only eight made it to the maturation stage for optimal transfer back into my sweet and hopefully very hospitable uterus. FYI the maturation stage needed is a Day 5, Day 6, or Day 7 Blastocyst (meaning they have up to 7 days to mature once fertilized)– just google it. The process was so painful and physically grueling but also so worth it… until I got Ovarian Hyperstimulation (OHSS). I think this is actually when Trey first told me “This is what we prayed for, Sweetie!” - What do you do with the embryos then? Like, were you trying to be octomom? The OHSS prevented us from doing a “fresh” transfer– think turkey’s. You can eat it sooner if it’s fresh…right? Not the case for us. So more of a waiting game, us in the hot summer which I hate… and them just “chilling” out in a freezer. What a life! We ended up waiting another 6 weeks before we were able to do the first frozen transfer (three of which I was back on birth control to control my cycle so we knew they exact time to transfer). The drugs I was taking were tricking my body into thinking I naturally ovulated and that the embryo had been hanging out with me the entire time. Timing needed to be exact. We transferred one embryo in a procedure very much like the IUI. For someone my age (32) going through IVF the recommended number of embryos to transfer is ONE… but by law doctors can legally transfer up to two. When the first baby-embryo transfer was lost (as in didn’t implant)- our doctor told us that I may have underlying problems that we could investigate if the next transfer was a loss too. Six weeks later (more birth control later), we decided to transfer two. We believed our chances with at least one claiming a home would be higher… more statistics for you: 30% (ish) of “2 embryo transfers” actually have both embryos implant. We’re NEVER in that small percentage.. but if we did happen to fall into it, then it was God’s will and we were meant to have twins. After finding out that both of babies decided to stay, maybe we should have played the lottery. The flip side was that if neither one found a temporary home, then maybe it was time for genetic screening and more tests for me. Just like any other pregnancy– we still had a waiting game. Doctors and science did a lot, but God and my body had to do the rest… times two!
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- Interesting…Tell me about genetic screening! It’s so cool actually– but for us (FOR US) also a fine balance between playing God and tempting fate. We had the chance to test our embryos when they fertilized to look for genetic abnormalities– something like down syndrome or trisomy… the list goes on. This test ALSO can reveal the gender (and those of you who know me know that I only wanted a little girl– to start.) We opted against the genetic testing for a number of reasons. Any baby of ours is God’s baby and if that meant she had downs, we weren’t going to deny her life by choosing to transfer a different embryo. Instead we would take our princess and raise her like we would any of our other children; it wasn’t going to change our minds… even if boys. We did not do genetic screen for our personal reasons.. and others choose to do it for their personal reasons. There is no right or wrong. Fun tidbit: there is another procedure where the embryologist would take the healthy sperm and purposefully place a specific one into a healthy egg BUT before doing so *could* choose the baby’s gender. The procedure is called ICSI and not used just for gender selection… but holy moly doesn’t science blow your mind. It’s not something we would do– but others might so I thought I’d add it here.
- So THAT’S how you ended up with twins!! It is…but are you ready for this?! In theory, we could have ended up with quadruplets. At the time our little babies transferred, they still could have split and then we would have had two sets of identical twins. We have fraternal twins (two of everything). See– even with IVF, God is still in control. Both babies– right there in my tummy at 6 weeks… They look A LOT different now.
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- What will you do with the other embryos? You’d be surprised how many times people have said, “AHHH, there you go! You have your two and now you’re done!” I was NOT expecting that so soon… like literally the first thing out of some people’s mouths! This is TREY’S and MY family. We make the decisions. God gave us 8 babies… then 7. and well now after our twins come in March, we’ll have 5 baby embryos left. FIVE! Does that mean we’ll use all 5? I don’t know. We have no idea what God is calling us to do with them. I know we’ll try again in the future because when we got married, our plan (hah!) was 4. But– we also have to wait and see what God does. Are we done with IVF? Probably not. Some couples opt to donate the remaining embryos to science. Others adopt their babies out to parents who don’t have embryos. We have no idea what will happen- but we know we’re trusting God just as much as we have every step of the way thus far and respecting that life happens at conception.
- Wow, so how much did it all cost? A lot. But it also depends on how you personally qualify and what you are willing to invest. I say invest because to us, it was an investment in our family. We were so blessed that God created road blocks to allow us to financially, emotionally, and even physically prepare for the IVF journey we’ve been on this year. That said, we qualified for the “healthy baby guaranteed or your money back” plan which allowed us 6 cycles. For us, we had eight embryos in one cycle; but we had no idea what to expect either. Outside of that plan, we would have been paying for each individual procedure out of pocket (because our insurance doesn’t support infertility, but it sure does support birth control). The procedures, ultrasounds, lab work came to ABOUT $21,000. Meds alone were about $4000. We also pay a yearly fee to the freezer like a little hotel for the rest of our babies to hang out.
- Was it worth it? Absolutely! This is what we have been praying for. Granted it’s like we bought a third car– but to be trusted with children to raise into God’s kingdom?! There’s no price you can put on a better opportunity; this we believe whole heartedly! Was it worth the waiting and struggling as we watched countless friends do it for $25,000 less than we did?! That’s a different story, but still yes. And that’s why our infertility tribe not just needs you… but beckons your support.
- We found that some of our friends knew we were going through this journey but didn’t know how to acknowledge us or “it” and so they ignored our fight all together. INFERTILITY IS A MEDICAL DIAGNOSIS. I would never compare it to something as terminal as cancer– but it’s painful and we we’re grieving the death of a dream that we’ve had since we were kids. We had one, ONE couple (aside from our pastor and his wife) who checked in with us regularly every step of the IVF way.. and they were pregnant at the time. Not only that, only a handful of family members outside of our parents kept up with it. Don’t ignore it because you are uncomfortable talking about it or because you don’t know how we’ll feel. For us, we loved when people asked us about the process because it allowed us to be open and share how God was still working. If you’re not sure, then just ask. For me, I’d rather have friends and especially family be real than to be tiptoeing or worse yet ignoring. And speaking of ignoring- DON’T ever be the friend who announces your pregnancy on facebook without calling first as if you just “forgot” that your friends/family were in the middle of their own personal hell. I can’t stress this enough.. quite honestly, this was always the hardest for me because though I shared in their joy, they never shared in our pain.
- Have empathy. Though they might not have asked about it every step of the way– I had a lot of friends who sat through my anger after each disappointment. They gave hope by just being there. They never said “It will happen when you least expect it” or “stop trying so hard,” or “maybe you should try Clomid.” But there were other friends who did. That was really hard to hear, especially when we had already tried everything and now had $25k invested in it. DON’T BE THAT PERSON. Hold onto the hope when they can’t but for goodness sake, keep it to yourself. Be angry when they are angry. Be sad when they are sad. Instead say, “that sucks!” It really went a long way for us. Repeat after me, “I will not give unsolicited advice!” That includes “My friend’s sister’s husband’s cousin did IVF and it worked when she….[fill in the blank]” Hopefully if you’ve made it this far in the post you know that every infertility treatment plan is different. Sit with us in our moments.
- Don’t exclude. One of my friends knew we were in the midst of egg retrieval when she had her baby shower. She invited me anyway which I was SO happy about because my joy for her family was never extinguished… but she was also super understanding months later when I told her I couldn’t muster up the strength to go and put my envy aside. We’ve become a lot closer this last year and I know it’s because of how honest we’ve been together and how understanding and inclusive she has been even now, on this side or our infertility journey. One more thing. You can be sensitive to the infertility world even when interacting with strangers. I read this book, Hannah’s Hope— AMAZING by the way and a MUST read if you or someone close to you is battling infertility. Here’s something I learned, yet didn’t actually realize. Don’t assume that every woman in her late 20s and every age thereafter has children. A simple small talk question like “Do you have any kids?” can be so painful. I didn’t always feel the exclusion in that question, but you better believe that when I did, my sass came out with a response like “Actually, we’ve been battling infertility for a couple of years so, no.” Two things I learned in a response like that: 1-infertility really is a taboo topic because talk about shutting the small talkers up and 2- there are kind ways to put people in their places.
- Tell the guys that they are strong too. Ladies, has your husband ever fallen apart when they’ve seen you at your worst? They may be physically strong, but to have been created to protect us and serve us– it’s truly an identity crisis when it’s out of their hands. For the men to survive through infertility is just as important as it is for us. It’s so sad but in the process I saw so many lost and forgotten dad’s and it broke my heart… it also inspired me to listen more to Trey, and to be there for him too…just as I was expecting friends to be there for me. On Father’s Day, one of the elders in our church asked all the dad’s to stand. Trey said for the first time in our 2+ year journey, he felt the exclusion I’d been feeling. The guys feel it too! Don’t let them.
If you’ve made it this far, you deserve an award. I realize that I probably should have split this into two separate posts, but I’m too excited to move past the infertility stuff for just a minute so that I can finally share our awesome vacation photos from South Dakota. Nevertheless, I know this was an important post to do after the responses I had last week. Feel free to bookmark this page, or even share it! Remember the 1 in 8 statistic and know that there are SO MANY who need the support of someone who has walked a similar path. Ours is a story I am happy to share again and again if it means more people have hope. Additionally, don’t take for granted what a great friend you can be with better preparation too.
You’re good people and we love you for it always. See you next week when I tell you about our vacation, our little ones… AND how we revealed their genders to our parents and South Dakota family.
A little teaser for you….jpg)
