We’re making it.  In feeble attempts to “do” Christmas, we’re making it.

We had dinner with a dear friend a couple of weeks ago… It was the first time since my dad was *really sick* that we’d done anything “out” with friends.  It almost felt foreign, but as I’ve sat in self-guilt over friendships that have drifted over the last year(s) in the aftermath of taking care of my dad, I reveled in the resuscitation of these dinners that have (for almost ten years) brought me so much joy.  Because in some of my grief, through the tears that have me utter words like “I just want my daddy..” I’ve also yelled to Trey, beckoning for time so that we can “friend” with our friends again.  I’m so glad he heard me, love you Baby.

So we “friended.”  We talked about future, and of course the past 3 months, and inevitably the current now.  As I talked… and talked a lot… I found myself saying how mad I was at my dad (because clearly it was up to him) to die in the thick of my favorite time of year.  Maybe that’s why I have this need to play jazzy BB King music that’s got so much mood in those trumpets that I’ll never be able to hear them again without thinking of my dad and how grinchy I feel despite “making it” … It’s like, “BRING ON THE CHRISTMAS, JESUS.  FILL THE ROOM WITH SPIRIT.. but just so you know, I’m still mad.  And um, yeah, I plan to be moody until this feels right.”  and then He whispers something back to me (through you all) that it might never be right, but at least it will be easier… so// BB KING and DUKE ELLINGTON and LOUIE PRIMA it will be, Michael Bublé will have to wait.  And so will Celine, and yes even… Mariah.  [ps can you sense my mood through capitalization?  If not, read that last part again.]

I blare this stuff.  BLARE IT.  Because, I’m making it.  Literally making.  We’ve hung those classy garland things that take up way to much room down in storage.  We even taught Jackson and Brayden a PG version of mistletoe-ing.  There’s a tree that’s decorated in our living room, and I think there’s even presents underneath it all thanks to my aunts who do everything in their power to help mom and I “make-it.”  So we are.

In this venture of “making it,” I’ve been organizing.  I like to think of organizing as part of my “phoneix” days, where I’m given hope as I restore my mental health and sanity.  When I say garland takes up too much room in storage; you have no idea.  Last year, that probably wouldn’t have been such a bad thing.  This year, I can’t take it.  So.  Our basement is in complete organization-seeking shambles.  Disarray I tell you.  But as if I wasn’t mad enough at the situation of timing, I found this.

I’m in this classical phase, heaving through photography.  Like– what does that even mean?  SO.MUCH.BLACK.AND.WHITE.  If you ask my clients, that’s probably always been me.  Maybe I’m just noticing the timelessness more.

Case.

And.

Point.

I’m thinking this photo was taken in the 1930’s.  1930’s!  My dad sitting on my grandfather’s lap in front of that Christmas tree with tackie garland (which by the way probably DIDN’T take up much room in storage and ps did they even have storage back then??) …resting in the arms of his father…

I also found this picture.  1. OLAN MILLS.  2. holy mullet.  3. that freakishly ugly doll that is part of the backdrop.  and 4. me; leaning into my daddy.  And while this photo isn’t my tried and true, highly preferred, classical black and white, it’s timeless.

I know not everyone does or didn’t have a great relationship with their dads… I didn’t always either… But there was time and I did.  And what perfect imagery, of a daddy’s purpose–my dad’s purpose.

Some of my last conversation with my dad included words like, “You made so many of my dreams come true…” to which he responded, “Well honey, that’s what Daddy’s do for their little girls.” God, I miss him so much.

So I’m leaning on his spirit.  His Christmas Spirit because he had so much of it to give.  And I’m relying on these timeless reminders that are helping us “make” Christmas just like we’ve done Christmas in years past.  We’re decking the halls with photos like these and beholding more timelessness:

Like the end of Christmas where Papa B has on his slippers and little boys are playing with new toys.

Beholding the letter on the tree– he wrote me one every year.  PS I LOVE how my dad never gave into the commercialized Christ-mas.  Unfortunately, I have a tendency to fall short.  Let that be a lesson.  Parents- write your kids letters this year.  They’ll be cherished long after you are gone.  I’m writing a letter to our unborn child(ren) this year.  Damn you infertility.

Beholding my super sexy husband and the way standing next to him makes me feel safe and comforted.

Beholding the ways I leaned into my dad long into adulthood so that I could continue to do it– even when he’s gone.

1. DO HAVE A PLAN

I mentioned in my last post— you know, the “woe is me” post that I had to write because I literally couldn’t even yet still felt guilty about posting because lawd knows I hate attention seeking posts…. but there I went… so yeah, about that last post.  The Real Simple feature that will probably never be published but absolutely should be: Our Plan!

We live in a four story condo/townhome.  When we found it, we were so positively smitten with the layout that we didn’t even consider what moving in or out would entail… that and did you read that part above that said FOUR MONTHS into our relationship?!  That’s when we decided that we BOTH hate moving together.  Like legit hate.  My husband, he’s a saint that yells on two occasions, 1-when the Dallas Cowboys are playing, and 2-when George Mason refs are being stupid heads.  His wife aka yours truly yells on every other occasion, especially if the occasion is a relocation involving furniture removal.  BTW-Don’t ask me where that comes from… I think maybe I just have a loud and very passionate voice….

All that to say, we learned fast that if we ever moved out of this place (which surely wouldn’t be in two years) we’d own it and we’d own it good.  So- back in December I started researching moves and all things good and glorious for a smooth transition.  I bought labels, a spunky new binder, stickers, colored duct tape, and even brand new boxes so that each crease would be ours.  And seriously, we owned it.

Someplace in this pretty green binder were inventories of every box; special codes for each room of the house… and someplace in there I’m pretty sure my husband knocked a few years off of his life as he patiently listened to me gently firmly remind him of the inventories and of the need to use the tape dispenser at a certain angle for the best tape efficiency.  seriously.  but my gosh- THE INVENTORIES!!!

2. DON’T FREAK OUT..just kidding

Seriously.  Go back and read my last post.  Freak out, we just learned that in doing so we needed to be ready to jump right back in.. which unfortunately meant that the tape probably wasn’t going to get used as efficiently.  And it also meant that the inventories that so clearly documented and categorized every over-valued possession were most likely going to get lost in the madness of my personal need to “own” this move.

Maybe a better way to put it is: choose what to freak out about.  For us- it was my cry uncle moment that beckoned my Trey to stay home and help me in areas that I had nearly given up on.  Thursday might have actually been the best day for us in a long time… and that’s because we were swimming in the depths of Phase 1, but we were doing it together.

3. DO INVEST IN OTHERS

And speaking of our favorite together times: being with our student min kids.  For me, I’m like, woah– these kids, I’ve watched them grow for the past nine years into these amazing people, and Trey he’s all, “there’s actually kids like that?!”  Yeah, THERE ARE!  If you’re not investing in the now generation- do it… if nothing else, for the strength of the young men and women.  No just kidding… kind of.  But seriously, these guys and gal, gift straight from H.E.A.V.E.N.

I posted this photo of Chris with just one of my normal, little, sappy collection of words on Saturday morning because he came alone on a Friday night to help Trey load the mostly inventoried boxes and large pieces into our pod.  p.s. PODS are the bees knees and the cat’s pajamas.

Good Morning POD Day #2! We’re waking up tired, and exhausted but so thankful and rejuvenated by the help and love of some of our church family! @cmitch_44 I’ve have the privilege of witnessing your growth from middle school to now (A SENIOR!!)– you are selfless, caring, extremely intelligent, and most importantly and notable, Christ-like. People: you need to be friends with teenage (I mean… young adult) men who will give up a Friday night, annnnndd a Saturday afternoon to be with you and help you move. #nevermoreblessed #bringintheothers #letsdothis

A post shared by nicole || beholding blessings (@nicolebeholds) on Feb 25, 2017 at 3:21am PST

Naturally, the next morning, when my Trey woke up feeling ill, we felt much peace knowing that our Topher was returning to help, and this time with even more of our favorite students.  Funny how as soon as they walked into the mix they said, “Nicole, do we get special IG posts too?”

How about a blog post?!

But seriously.  I did senior pics for this girl– and every time I think too hard about her, I get teary and lost in my prayers because of God’s gracious work in her life.  She’s the best kind of sweet and sassy all in one and did I mention that she is hands-down, the most beautiful dancer.

And these other guys.  Let’s just say when Katie saw them coming it was like a moment of bliss, hallelujah chorus blaring, fancy gold halos around their handsome faces, and the words, “Chris is here… and he brought two more Mitchells!!!”  I have so much to say about this entire family but those are personal words that I’ll handwrite to their parents in the coming weeks.   They’ll be words of thanksgiving, and gladness, and pride of the men they’ve become, and humility of the opportunity to have been a part of it.  They were bringing stacks of boxes down THREE AT A TIME.  And they were loading that pod and owning it so much better than I was with my stupid green moving binder and silly labels.

But I can’t forget Marshall.  That sweet heart and smile of yours that is contagious: the way you make us laugh with your stories of life and happiness, you are the real deal.  A rarity among your generation.  All of you are really….

And there’s no way we could have done it without them.  No way.

Plus- in the end, Trey and I realized that the only way we could actually love moving together is by being together, with them.

So a new post.  To the Bressler movers:

You are something fierce…I can see it on your faces.  And you’re loved something fierce too.  You are Christ’s hands to the least of these… even us.  And we’re humbled to get to know you because we’re standing in your shadows as you go catch the world with your brilliance and strength.  It’s these little acts of kindness that are going to carry you into a success that God is writing for you each and every day.  Don’t stop.  Go get it.

ps. thank you.

4. DON’T LET YOUR HUSBAND GET THE FLU

Who knew that the shirt my Trey wore in that picture would be an exact prophesy of the hours that followed when all his strength and health were completely #demo’d.  And who knew that me, standing right there behind him, would follow soon enough in said prophesy.  Let me tell you something, when your house goes on the market in t-3 days, DO NOT, I REPEAT DO NOT, get the flu!

Ain’t no body got time for dat!

But as if he hadn’t proved himself a saint already, he was surely about to on Sunday when my parents came over to help us pack the last of the last (of this round).  And he sure proved himself all over again today when he helped me load the rest of the pod, him talking in a whisper, and me, well… I plead the fifth.  I don’t feel well, okay!

—

5.  DO STAY TOGETHER

The oven is cleaner than when we moved in, and the shower door is actually clear as glass as it should be.  And my vanity has less than 2 hair products on it because yeah, I packed that crapola, yes. I. did.  So Trey is now walking around painting touch ups and sniffling the yucks while I dizzily write to all y’all from my transformed office with a fever of about 101.

And Dear Trey, the love of my life: those words of frustration that went something like, “BUT IT WON’T FIT THAT WAY” and “WHY WON’T YOU JUST TRY IT?!” and “YOUR DAD IS SO MUCH NICER TO ME WHEN I USE THE TAPE,” I know they weren’t truly ours, but just words of our exhaustion and infirmities.  They were words just buried in the brutality of our grievance: selling our first home.

But let me tell you this- I’d do it all a thousand times over; to be at home, with you.

Phase 1: Out.

I thought maybe it’d be fun to showcase some photos from our first Valentines together.  That was two-ish months into our relationship but about six-weeks into, “let’s get married this year and freak our families out because we moved so quickly.”

To break the shock a little more for some, we decided to start out at my dear old sister-cousin’s with the nieces.  (by the way- she called me last night to tell me that she had a parent-freak out moment because she forgot to order valentines from me! Those pics are later in the post…)  As an uncle of 5 boys, NO nieces, making valentines might have been a little much for my Trey.  The pancakes and cute kids helped. ps. don’t judge our beetle pancakes.

But he still knew how to do it right…a locket and some wine.  No really- this is how we I “knew” so quickly! pps. need to find that wine again.

That was 2 years ago.  To be honest, I don’t really remember what we did last year.  But I do know so much has happened in 2 years.  These girls have grown SO MUCH and Trey knows a lot more about being an uncle to them.  “Shopkins” is a regular in his vocabulary as are the protective, “Would I approve of Jake and Charlie?” questions.  He’s totally winning at the “uncle” thing, but then again, I think he always has been.

And hey, he’s still doing “us” right too…but that goes without saying!  He’s pretty great at knowing exactly how many days we’ve been married, surprising me with special warm fuzzy types of gifts, and even doing the dishes without needing to be asked (maybe my dish slamming worked!). And me, well—I don’t do the warm fuzzies quite as well.  And to compensate, I think that’s probably why our special days have become somewhat of a game instead.  Who gives the better gifts, who surprises each other better, who made the other laugh or cry…. because you know that’s what the holidays and spirit of giving are really about… The only problem is; I’m still the “loser.”

Two weeks ago, (yes!  I said TWO weeks ago, that’s big in my little procrastination-habitually distracted-world) I was doing our weekly shopping at Wal-Mart, when I passed by the Valentines, and something came over me.  And no it wasn’t inquisitiveness at the smelly and poorly dressed “people of Wal-Mart” making me question “Why?! Just. Whyyyy?!”  No, it was this moment when my life became a cartoon, I was Scrat (the squirrel in Ice Age) and the Valentine aisle (the acorn) lit up with some sort of brilliant music playing in the background.

“I’m going to win Valentines!!”

I got my card.  I hid it in the pantry.  And this morning while he was walking Sasha, I ran downstairs to give it to him before he left for work.

I made him cry.  #winning

Truth be told- I married a sensitive man so it isn’t entirely hard to do, but… since he didn’t get me a card, I think it was really the guilt that got him…

“Soooo… that means I won, right?  I win Valentines Day?!!!!”

…that was up until he told me he was late for work but was going to go to the store to buy me cereal.  P.S. in case you’re thinking, “He went from a necklace and wine to cereal in 2 years?!” Don’t worry, to me, cereal is the morning’s equivalent.  AND he bought 3 kinds!!

And now next year, I’ll have to spend my extra two weeks doing some outrageous craft…to try and win…again

{insert the sounds of my cereal crunching as I keep on chewing}

—

Somehow, I’m supposed to tie this whole story into how we’re beholding life, one.day.at.a.time.  Here we go…

I’ve got some beef with these stupid hallmark holidays.  Though a self-proclaimed-sucker who spent $6 on a card that Trey didn’t even take to work with him, I still find it so absurd that we spend one day a year recognizing the love that we have for the special people in our lives.  Mother’s Day and Father’s Day really get me too- recognize your parents everyday people—let them know you appreciate them ALL THE TIME!  And thanksgiving, don’t even get me started.  And I know I sound all “bah-humbug,” but seriously, can we just throw them all out and do some “just-because” days all throughout the year?!!  I don’t even need to win them…I don’t..maybe just a little bit though.

And if we were to behold these “just because” type of days, maybe this is what I’d recognize instead: a day (that didn’t happen to fall on February 14) with two of my longest and most loved valentines, and one with my newest, and forever valentine.  Falling more deeply in love with the people they are, feeling so preciously thankful that they love me too.

She really was a great skiier….”it was that damn lift”  Truth: It really was!

and this kid=fear.less.  FEARLESS.  She can’t turn worth squat so don’t even get me started on how fast we were going to keep up with her…. it’s okay, she’ll get there!

note: this is NOT her mother on the ground.

note: THIS is how you get off of a ski lift… but I’m not pointing fingers or mentioning any names.

Unfortunately, her mother preferred to exit like this.  “Mommy, don’t do it like this.”

but the woman would get right back up and smile pretty for the camera.  She on the other hand was owning the turns.

and he gives me butterflies.  I say that a lot.  He gives them a lot.

and we’re….

down.

The jury is still out on whether it’s a torn MCL.  She heard a pop.  We’re hoping next year’s “just because” day will end a little better.  But on the bright side, HOW CUTE IS RAMSEY?! (aka the bearded medic)

and on another “just because” day, maybe I’d make this sweet little puppy my valentine on non-Valentine’s Day because he’s my favorite in the T.V. FAN CLUB.  And he loves his “Auntie Tole”

and maybe I’d have a “just because” Sunday with my forever valentine, dreaming up big dreams for our future. (ps. this is your weekly house update, compare the pic at the end to this one below– CRAZY, huh?!)

John (my FIL) goes, “that’s a lot of wood.”  Yes, sir it is!

And in the spirit of a “Just Because” day, we’d eat BBQ and play some country-livin’ baseball with two other valentines that have the absolute cutest giggles.  Just because.

as much as I’d love to have all girls someday, Trey is going to need moments like this… 

…I’ve decided that there’s nothing better to do than go ahead and have a good time and get the most we can out of life.  Eat, drink, and make the most of your job.  It’s God’s gift
ECCLESIASTES 3:9-13 (The Message)

—

These “Just Because” Days have been so much better than any SAD Galentine’s Valentine’s day.  We’re living these days lovin’ so many of God’s gifts in our lives.  And guess what, there were no cards needed.  No winning needed kind of.  and in the end, I’m pretty sure I’d still be asking him to be my valentine, just because.

Here’s a couple other pics from our home visit last week.

Sasha marked the land as hers…and then posed for the camera.  Is she my dog or IS SHE MY DOG!?

We dove into our “us.”  I think a lot of people thought that we were crazy.  Seriously, I had just gotten out of the hospital after my mental health was so far to the unhealth.  {side note: why do we refer to it as “mental health” when we all know that it really means “unhealth”… I digress.}  But we dove in.  We dove into the love word so quickly that literally minutes later I was showing him my “rings to show mr. bressler (not his dad)” pinterest board.  We dove in so deep that his parents had some conversation with him that made him cry {I can say that now, right, Babe?}.  We dove in so deep that we had the venue booked before I had the ring.  We had the house before the wedding.  We had the cohabitating before the marriage {more on that later}.  We had family disputes that in some ways still have healing relationships.  I think that’s what you call diving in…and taking the others with you.

I’ve learned in my {days away from 30} years of precious life that I have a thing for diving in… and while my husband not so much, he’s ever so supportive..and also probably ever so crazy for diving in with me because sometimes it happens to be ice cold water.  And when I do it, I do it hard, I do it fast, and I don’t look back.. I don’t need to because I am sure, and most of the time, I am confident.

I am most confident that the deepest I ever dove was when I decided not to break up with Trey a third and final time, but to let him kiss me in that chilly movie theater.  I am most confident in our home, in our family, in our faith– and so for as long as we are together (which is into eternity), he’s now diving with me.

Here’s our latest dive!

Okay- wait.  We’re not diving into Kate & Oscar (who are adorable by the way)…. look again.

She’s back.

I think by diving in– I’m living the dream.  I went back to old blogs, ones that I wrote the first time I dove into this passion of mine… one of which said that I would be a successful photo biz owner by the time I was 30.  Folks- guess where diving in has me?!

home.

This summer, I’ve been spending most of my days behind my mac editing some of the most beautiful smiles ever, beholding.  Beholding that this has been a dream for oh so, soooo long.  Being His child first and foremost, then his wife, then this writer me–other posts will be made public in time… and this “photographer.” {p.s. Trey has turned photographer too.  more on that another time.}

And yes, the people that we drag along with us maybe not entirely directly, but from afar are asking all sorts of questions:

What about your Masters degree and counseling?

What about the finances? (one of my favorites was the blunt one– do you make good money doing that?)

My absolute favorite though– will you still move back to Nebraska?

I’ve dreamt for so long of the days where I can dive in deep to taking care of my husband, of our home, and to do it all while living out my other passions of writing and art and faith and family.

So here’s what I got for the ones we drug into to water with us:

My masters degree is something that I will treasure and own for as long as I live.  The education is one that has shaped my adult way of thinking– being culturally fluent, socially just {things that make me long for a better America than the crazy picture that Trump is painting– sorry had to throw that in there.}  This degree wasn’t about “school” at all, it was about people.  And someday, when our kids are in school and we decide it’s a good time, I may pursue it again.  But right now– I pursue people, these other ways.

I’m pursuing them as I talk to them about their beautiful families, as I encourage them through a witness of their commitment to one another, I affirm those family values– and this deep diving keeps the list going.

I pursue people (pretty cool high schoolers to be exact) when we host dinner and life groups every Wednesday.  We mentor these kids with their own bold dreams and wild hearts.  We laugh with them and let them know we are here for them… (and yes, I guess then my other degree comes in handy too…)

I pursue my husband when he walks in the door and I have dinner made and on the table while wearing my apron that says “world’s greatest wife and cook” and drying my hands after doing the dishes before walking upstairs to our clean bedroom with a made bed and absolutely no clothes on the floor…. …and I kiss him and say, “don’t get mad, the dishes are still there (for almost a week now), and I forgot to make the bed… and oh yeah, I’m still in my pajamas because I didn’t shower……{blah blah blah}.”  But I’m here and I’m here for him.  Did I mention what a rockstar HE is?!

And the finances– what a blessing to be able to stay at home now, even before our kiddies come.  What a HUGE blessing to have Rodan+Fields and Beholding You Photography bringing in extra income.  But seriously, is that really your business anyway?  It’s a decision that Trey and I made, together, ALONE– diving into our trust in God’s provision.

and Nebraska– would you know it that I JUST turned down an opportunity (what would have been my dream job) to move there–after 9 YEARS, to stay here. WHAT THE WHAAAA?!?!!  I think Trey’s mom would have dropped to the floor and hung around his ankles to keep us from moving, and my mom would have packed boxes (her own boxes) to join us and start the house buying process {because it’s more fun when you are buying two}.  But after prayerful consideration and what God is doing with our lives here and now, we decided this is probably the deepest we are diving.. for now.  Someday, Mid-westies, someday.

and there you have it.  I’m the stay-at-home writer-worker wife, I’ve always dreamt of being.  and I love it….

now– what to dive into next….. {don’t worry Trey, just kidding….kind of}

Yes, it’s still a “thing…”

No, I don’t plan on stopping now that I’m officially in grad school.

Yes, I’d love to take your photo.

No, I don’t mind if you share this post to help me promote the business.

Smiles, nic

xoxo

I just got back from shooting a pre-prom dinner.  This place was seriously magical, and full of genuine smiles and laughter.  It held the absolute, most precious happiness of teenagers, young adults.  In less than a month they’ll be graduated but for tonight they were living in the moment of being kids.  It needed to be captured.  So I did.  and when before I was even close to finishing, I realized, my high is back!  

I love that when I am shooting, my cheeks start to hurt because I’m smiling so much, beholding happiness.  And I finish, I walk away, and I can’t stop smiling, because I just beheld my God and his work in His creations, His beautiful creations.  I realized tonight, that while shooting I say this, “love it, LOVVVEEE IT!”  Have I mentioned how I love to love? (there’s a blog post in the making…)

People have been asking me, “why the name, ‘Beholding You Photography‘?”  Let me answer that for you all:

If you haven’t stopped by the discipline page yet, check it out.  Beholding You is just that, it’s a discipline to sit, wait, and watch for Jesus in every area of our lives.  It’s been the theme of my blog for years.  And since I’ve committed to this disciple, my life has changed.  It’s been transformed.  And it’s time for others to be transformed too.  So I sit, and I wait, and I capture the real essence of smiles, acknowledging that the people I’m shooting are God’s masterpieces.  I behold His masterpieces and I praise Him for their lives.

I love that my business is still very much a ministry.  I can’t stop smiling right now.  There’s a part of me that wonders if it’s because I just spent 3 hours with some pretty amazing teenagers, or if it’s really because I was doing something I love.  The newest something that I am so, sooooo passionate about.  Either way, I beheld Him.  Either way, I thank Him for calling me to a new sort of ministry, one that gives me purpose and an opportunity to pray for transformation in others.  It’s a beautiful gift, this high of mine.

My heart is racing, these butterflies in my tummy are flying free against the wind, and good Lawdy is this soul of mine happy!

I haven’t been sure of a lot of things lately, mostly of my life. So much so that I started taking anti-depressants. So much so that I contemplated the world without me. I’m 110% serious when I say I haven’t loved myself lately, but that instead, I’ve hated myself. I haven’t seen worth lately, haven’t wanted life lately. And then God works His beautiful will and way to heal my broken heart, to take this bitterness and turn it into something sweet for His glory. He helps me see life through His eyes, my life through His eyes. And when I look, I see my life in His hands is precious, it is beautiful. And because He made me, I am beautiful.My soul sings, “how great His art!” How great I’m me!

I’m going to be bold here and say this much…I had a conversation with the love of my life. It went like this, “are you ready to date?” My response, “Nope, not at all. Look at my life. There’s not one piece of it that’s in control.” He laughed. And since that conversation five weeks ago, all I can think of is this, “you’re the one thing I’m sure of.” Until now. I’m sure of me. I wondered to myself, how can I ask you to love me, when I can’t even love myself. Until now. I’m sure of what God speaks to me. I’m sure.

Today I officially obtained my LLC. “LLC?” He asked. My “Limited Liability Corporation” certificate. And I fell in love–again wait for it…

I can tell you every moment I’ve fallen in love with this man. Every moment–but I won’t because that’s the secret of my heart. I can also tell you when I fell out of love with myself. It was the day my mom stood in front of my liquor cabinet while I pleaded with her to do shots of tequila with me while I sat in my jammies, unshowered, with no will. But let me tell you about the moment I fell in love again, and no this time it wasn’t him.I fell in love with me again. 6:31 p.m…TODAY. And I’m alive, with everything, almost everything that I need to bring Him glory.

Then sings my soul, How Great I’m me (His art)!

I like to say that I’m goal oriented…that was until someone asked me, “What goals are you working on now?” and then I looked at him, clueless.  When I reflect over the past few years and especially the last few months, I see that I am, can be…sort of.

For example, every year, I set goals… do I achieve them?  Why yes, yes I DO!  all of them?  that’s questionable.  But take this year for example, the goal is to live in peace, to be less busy.  And can I just say, I’m on a roll, damn girl!  I may not have always felt the peace, but in God doing His will, I know it’s there (even when patience isn’t).

Let’s recap shall we.

• I QUIT MY JOB–time is all I have on my hands (and no, I’m not that busy), I have peace!
• I’m about to do a half marathon in 23 days–I won’t be ready, but the fact that I’m doing something for me, it brings me peace.
• I’m not a reader, I don’t get pleasure out of sitting still using my imagination, but I’ve decided to try.  I finished 1 out of 3 books yesterday (I’m questioning whether I should mention it was a book written for young adults…and so is book #2).  Still, I’m accomplishing a goal, and that gives me peace.
• Be a better steward for God’s church, I’m returning to a cheerful heart, will come back to that one before the year is over.
• Record my life in pictures.  I know I’m a month behind (almost 2) in posting to the snapshot blog, but they’re coming, I promise….
• Blog weekly.  I would call myself a for real blogger now… and I’m just about ready to launch a second…..wait for it….
• Play my guitar. (so I need to be honest and say, still no new strings)  I’ll come back to that one too….
• Pet Peeves.  I must be learning patience, because I can’t remember the last one that I posted.  That’s awesome (for me.. and probably you too)…just sayin’
• BE BOLD.  This is my favorite, and where I’ll stop the recap today, because me being bold is too much to handle right now.

In my last post I revealed that I want to start my own photography business by the time I am 30.  Guess what friends, in my boldness (and because of the overwhelming sense of support), I’m about 1547 days early!

I probably should have clarified in that last post, I want to be a full-time photographer (complete with my own natural light studio) by the time I am 30.  In the mean time, yes, I’ve started my own photography business. Started?  Starting… Launching?  I’m being bold!

It’s been one week, (since you looked at me, cocked your head to the side and said I’m angry…sorry, when I’m happy I have a tendency to break out into song..). One week, and here I am.  About to launch a killer photography blog/website and already scheduling sessions just in time for mothers day.  Want to schedule a session?  I’m offering 50% off, a portfolio building rate. <– sorry, had to do my piece of marketing.

So I’m on a five year plan.  Here’s what some of it entails:

• Be financially stable to dive full-time into Beholding You Photography, with passion, with zeal, with out looking back. (create business and financial plan–now!)
• Obtain Small Business License and Tax ID
• Buy back-up equipment
• Upgrade my 4 year old macbook and buy an iMac (the big 27-inch..loaded!!)
• Collect photo props
• Become a member of the National Association of Professional Child Photographers
• Enroll in newborn photography and photoshop classes
• Hire an assistant

Anyone want to help me… <smiles> 

I can’t tell if I’m happier because I can see where my life is going, where God is taking it, or if I’m happier because I’m able to get out of bed in the morning.  I can’t tell if this is because God gave me a reason to get out of bed, or because life is finally moving forward.  I think ultimately it’s because I’m finally accepting the lesson of patience that God has been trying to teach me for my entire life.

Patience is a virtue.  I get it now.  It takes strength and determination.  It gives us worth and understanding.  It creates principles, benefits, and efficiency.  There is reason, and here is mine: I want purpose, I want to live with passion again.  I want to give people something to smile for.  I want God to smile at me.  I want to make my loves proud.

So today (and for the next five years), I will let whatever be done be enough, just enough.