1. DO HAVE A PLAN

I mentioned in my last post— you know, the “woe is me” post that I had to write because I literally couldn’t even yet still felt guilty about posting because lawd knows I hate attention seeking posts…. but there I went… so yeah, about that last post.  The Real Simple feature that will probably never be published but absolutely should be: Our Plan!

We live in a four story condo/townhome.  When we found it, we were so positively smitten with the layout that we didn’t even consider what moving in or out would entail… that and did you read that part above that said FOUR MONTHS into our relationship?!  That’s when we decided that we BOTH hate moving together.  Like legit hate.  My husband, he’s a saint that yells on two occasions, 1-when the Dallas Cowboys are playing, and 2-when George Mason refs are being stupid heads.  His wife aka yours truly yells on every other occasion, especially if the occasion is a relocation involving furniture removal.  BTW-Don’t ask me where that comes from… I think maybe I just have a loud and very passionate voice….

All that to say, we learned fast that if we ever moved out of this place (which surely wouldn’t be in two years) we’d own it and we’d own it good.  So- back in December I started researching moves and all things good and glorious for a smooth transition.  I bought labels, a spunky new binder, stickers, colored duct tape, and even brand new boxes so that each crease would be ours.  And seriously, we owned it.

Someplace in this pretty green binder were inventories of every box; special codes for each room of the house… and someplace in there I’m pretty sure my husband knocked a few years off of his life as he patiently listened to me gently firmly remind him of the inventories and of the need to use the tape dispenser at a certain angle for the best tape efficiency.  seriously.  but my gosh- THE INVENTORIES!!!

2. DON’T FREAK OUT..just kidding

Seriously.  Go back and read my last post.  Freak out, we just learned that in doing so we needed to be ready to jump right back in.. which unfortunately meant that the tape probably wasn’t going to get used as efficiently.  And it also meant that the inventories that so clearly documented and categorized every over-valued possession were most likely going to get lost in the madness of my personal need to “own” this move.

Maybe a better way to put it is: choose what to freak out about.  For us- it was my cry uncle moment that beckoned my Trey to stay home and help me in areas that I had nearly given up on.  Thursday might have actually been the best day for us in a long time… and that’s because we were swimming in the depths of Phase 1, but we were doing it together.

3. DO INVEST IN OTHERS

And speaking of our favorite together times: being with our student min kids.  For me, I’m like, woah– these kids, I’ve watched them grow for the past nine years into these amazing people, and Trey he’s all, “there’s actually kids like that?!”  Yeah, THERE ARE!  If you’re not investing in the now generation- do it… if nothing else, for the strength of the young men and women.  No just kidding… kind of.  But seriously, these guys and gal, gift straight from H.E.A.V.E.N.

I posted this photo of Chris with just one of my normal, little, sappy collection of words on Saturday morning because he came alone on a Friday night to help Trey load the mostly inventoried boxes and large pieces into our pod.  p.s. PODS are the bees knees and the cat’s pajamas.

Good Morning POD Day #2! We’re waking up tired, and exhausted but so thankful and rejuvenated by the help and love of some of our church family! @cmitch_44 I’ve have the privilege of witnessing your growth from middle school to now (A SENIOR!!)– you are selfless, caring, extremely intelligent, and most importantly and notable, Christ-like. People: you need to be friends with teenage (I mean… young adult) men who will give up a Friday night, annnnndd a Saturday afternoon to be with you and help you move. #nevermoreblessed #bringintheothers #letsdothis

A post shared by nicole || beholding blessings (@nicolebeholds) on Feb 25, 2017 at 3:21am PST

Naturally, the next morning, when my Trey woke up feeling ill, we felt much peace knowing that our Topher was returning to help, and this time with even more of our favorite students.  Funny how as soon as they walked into the mix they said, “Nicole, do we get special IG posts too?”

How about a blog post?!

But seriously.  I did senior pics for this girl– and every time I think too hard about her, I get teary and lost in my prayers because of God’s gracious work in her life.  She’s the best kind of sweet and sassy all in one and did I mention that she is hands-down, the most beautiful dancer.

And these other guys.  Let’s just say when Katie saw them coming it was like a moment of bliss, hallelujah chorus blaring, fancy gold halos around their handsome faces, and the words, “Chris is here… and he brought two more Mitchells!!!”  I have so much to say about this entire family but those are personal words that I’ll handwrite to their parents in the coming weeks.   They’ll be words of thanksgiving, and gladness, and pride of the men they’ve become, and humility of the opportunity to have been a part of it.  They were bringing stacks of boxes down THREE AT A TIME.  And they were loading that pod and owning it so much better than I was with my stupid green moving binder and silly labels.

But I can’t forget Marshall.  That sweet heart and smile of yours that is contagious: the way you make us laugh with your stories of life and happiness, you are the real deal.  A rarity among your generation.  All of you are really….

And there’s no way we could have done it without them.  No way.

Plus- in the end, Trey and I realized that the only way we could actually love moving together is by being together, with them.

So a new post.  To the Bressler movers:

You are something fierce…I can see it on your faces.  And you’re loved something fierce too.  You are Christ’s hands to the least of these… even us.  And we’re humbled to get to know you because we’re standing in your shadows as you go catch the world with your brilliance and strength.  It’s these little acts of kindness that are going to carry you into a success that God is writing for you each and every day.  Don’t stop.  Go get it.

ps. thank you.

4. DON’T LET YOUR HUSBAND GET THE FLU

Who knew that the shirt my Trey wore in that picture would be an exact prophesy of the hours that followed when all his strength and health were completely #demo’d.  And who knew that me, standing right there behind him, would follow soon enough in said prophesy.  Let me tell you something, when your house goes on the market in t-3 days, DO NOT, I REPEAT DO NOT, get the flu!

Ain’t no body got time for dat!

But as if he hadn’t proved himself a saint already, he was surely about to on Sunday when my parents came over to help us pack the last of the last (of this round).  And he sure proved himself all over again today when he helped me load the rest of the pod, him talking in a whisper, and me, well… I plead the fifth.  I don’t feel well, okay!

—

5.  DO STAY TOGETHER

The oven is cleaner than when we moved in, and the shower door is actually clear as glass as it should be.  And my vanity has less than 2 hair products on it because yeah, I packed that crapola, yes. I. did.  So Trey is now walking around painting touch ups and sniffling the yucks while I dizzily write to all y’all from my transformed office with a fever of about 101.

And Dear Trey, the love of my life: those words of frustration that went something like, “BUT IT WON’T FIT THAT WAY” and “WHY WON’T YOU JUST TRY IT?!” and “YOUR DAD IS SO MUCH NICER TO ME WHEN I USE THE TAPE,” I know they weren’t truly ours, but just words of our exhaustion and infirmities.  They were words just buried in the brutality of our grievance: selling our first home.

But let me tell you this- I’d do it all a thousand times over; to be at home, with you.

Phase 1: Out.

Once upon a time there were two friends who were called, yes called, to lead a small group together.  And they prayed together, were trained together, and used by God together to lead and grow a group of others (more of their awesome friends) into a closer relationship with God.  The girl, she was pretty cool, she had a vision that all the young adults of this Spirit-driven church would come together in this great community to Worship the one, true, living God and to friend and plan fun events...  And he, well, He couldn’t have chosen a better man to lead, what with his divine, and humble spiritual wisdom that has a way of both challenging and encouraging all whom he encounters… so there we the two of them went doing nuttin’ but a God-thang.  It’s about community, about growing, about Him…

It was the second of three groups we they led that year.  Oh hell.  I was trying to be creative but I think this story is better told in first person.. let me try again…

I remember starting the group and feeling so nervous… (actually, I think I might have even said that.. like for real those were my first words to the group…).  This was something different for us—these peeps, they weren’t our teenagers… and we were their friends… But as time would reveal soon enough, we worked well together…a good team, God ordained.  We learned that quickly—especially in the years to follow, especially now in looking back…  I don’t think I’m wrong in saying, even now.

We’ve done a lot of ministry together, him and I.  Retreats, countless youth group events, and this.  To date, this would have to be one of my favorites though.  It was life changing… and he might agree with that… or maybe he would just say it was a “bodacious” experience.  Whatever it was, it was glory revealed (three years later)…and yes, bodacious too.

I distinctly remember an email from Jake saying he was coming with his girlfriend– and that he was excited!  And he remembers these two really, REALLY quiet people… I also remember a conversation between the two of us wondering if they were really enjoying themselves…. I guess the fact that they kept coming back was answer enough… and it was as though each time they came back, God showed us a little more of these two really, REALLY awesome people.  This one guy who talked about cow poop and something called a seal-dance, and this beautiful woman with a gentle spirit, meek heart, and crazy-ass faces that had us legit lol-ing.

We all loved hanging out with them, drinking wine, building fires, playing games, bowling… well, then they got engaged.  And then they invited us to their wedding.  And her bachelorette party holds good memories.  And the wedding, that cool girl I mentioned before, she caught the bouquet. …but then they moved away.  And as he says lately, “why do all our friends have to move away…?”

 the end.

just kidding… btw- how much do you love that song choice?!!

—

Friendships like that don’t end.

Actually, I’m pretty sure that was just the beginning.. with an occasional, “hey, let’s meet up while you’re in town…” and a “I miss you” text… and if we were lucky, the “OMG! It’s so good to hear your voice…”  But it was friendship.  And when we did see them, that laughter picked up where it left off.  And the goofy–it got better every time after.  But waiting for the next time… it wasn’t so fun…and remember, I said this was a story about fun…  

Three weeks ago we (Justin, Jenn (and her new plus one, Anthony), and I) went to see them and this life they’re living without us.

And that laughter that I was talking about, it picked up again…right after the hugs that said, “welcome home,” and “all is right in the world.” …and “here, let me take you out with my monstrosity 6’4 frame.”  Actually, I think the exact words were, “All of a sudden, I saw this little thing running towards me, and I just couldn’t wait to hug you… but I did underestimate your little-ness.” … or something like that.  Oh, but those hugs were good, soooo good.  On the way home, I shared this quote with Jus, “There are moments that I know I will long for, even as I live them.”  That was one of those moments.

And the goofy came back.  And my cheeks, they’ve been out of training.  Because his voice changes, and goes all “Kirsch-y” and her faces make me spit out my drink.  And my sucky bowling makes them laugh.  And her on his lap, and him just loving her.  Those moments– I’m longing for more.

And there we all were, these best friends of mine.  She wore a new dress with her new boyfriend at her side—oh and that thing he has about noise complaints, wake up calls, and Sarah Mclachlan.  Him with his wifey and crow calls and honesty and heart.  Her at a crossroads, with a future so bright we allll need sunglasses.  Him with a strawberry smoothie, hold the whip cream, give him the bacon.  And me, there I am, submerged in those moments. give me more!

and not just more of those… “let’s pick our noses…” and “let’s look ugly” moments, but the moments that lead us on the open highway– where everything is a little bit easier… there we go, making it His way….Going deeper His way.

and if we’re honest, maybe most likely getting lost along the way.

I think it’s safe to say that when we met three years ago that we never imagined where or how God would lead us over the weekend that’s probably why we needed two smartphones.  No- we probably wouldn’t have the words for it.  In fact, five billion thoughts swirling, ten billion questions turning, still.  And the words, though still fighting for a little more clarity, they’re here…finally…kind of…

I think there are times when God speaks this loud and unremarkable truth.  He gives us glimpses of His glory as it’s fulfilled in our lives.  And sometimes we know why and other times not at all why.

There are some friends God brings into your life to change you for the better, to challenge you when you need it most, to love you when you think you don’t need it, to teach you that really, you want it… and to break you into those dark moments of bravery, and vulnerability, and realness where the confidence in Him is all you have left to carry you through each moment after… those are the moments I should long for more…

With them, I found the why I hadn’t asked three years ago.

So I asked, “How can we be praying for you?”  We did it then, I was going to do it now…

And the honesty between the four of us took on a whole new meaning as we sat there and both listened and gave these intense and fervent pleas from the heart.  And I just want to sit in that moment forever with them it’s another one I just can’t stop longing for.  The moment that purpose was revealed- us in their life, them in mine.  And when God crosses your paths with people like them, it’s delightful and breathtaking and the moment becomes flawless in the presence of His will.  His glory reigns– His will ordained.  That’s not just bodacious, it’s fun too.  I told you this post was fun….

I struggle with whether or not to share what I’m about to– mostly because it was our moment,  so I’ll just share this much–these words being the sweetest reminder I’ll have in another three years: 

A parked car under the stars and voices that call out to Him become one of the most intimate moments you’ve ever experienced until hours later when you do it all over again, this time with tears, fears too.  It goes without saying I’ll forever long for those moments.

And those prayers– oh that His plan would unfold as a result!  How many friends do you have that you can actually say you share those moments of intimacy with?  How many friends do you have that you can pull the car over to hold hands, hell- we did more than that, we held hearts too… But that’s them.  that’s us.  God, that the bravery and vulnerability would break us into a greater purpose then the here and now of the present… three weeks later, and I don’t think I’m wrong in saying that it has…

I came back changed.  Three weeks later and I can’t explain why or how… and I find myself questioning the “why,” now, and that get’s me.  Right back here…in the back of my throat, where the lump gets harder to swallow like a real life battle where I fight for so much more of Him and His plan, His purpose… His glory.. just like that night.

I’ve been praying for almost forty days–two words, “Be enough.”  In all honesty, I’m losing my joy in that and it’s being replaced by a discontentment that has me going back to those moments wanting more– just the slightest bit more where I’m actually able to both seek and find purpose amidst His overwhelming presence in not just my life, but our lives.  Instead, I’m being forced to find something new…beyond my own thoughts or understanding, that His Love is enough, it needs to be enough… 

…and I’m waiting, not necessarily knowing the why’s in the nows, but assured of this immeasurable love He’s been speaking to me for a couple of months now… and oh that it is enough.

We were humbled.  I think I can speak freely saying “we” there… because God used us in these two beautiful lives, that is enough.  I go back to those early moments where the nerves tried to discourage, and where the silence tried to diminish His plan unfolding…where past struggles might have held back the embracement of who He is… but even now, especially now.. those moments pull me deeper into a glory so fierce and bright that I fall on my knees, humbled to have been used by a King, loved by a King, loved by them and that’s enough.

On our way home we got the most beautiful message from her.  It brought tears to my eyes, and he laughed because it’s so me.  But it wasn’t so her to have them too and those words humbled me even more… I keep repeating them, even now, “You guys truly reflect God’s love…”  which is, enough.

ps. no YOU guys truly reflect God’s love……..and that’s, enough.

and so I asked him, “what’s God been saying to you lately?”  I do that, anymore I don’t think he’s surprised when I do.  Not surprised, just real.  And he said “love.”  and I was moved and inspired, proud, and he’s right.  God’s speaking it to me too.  And I’m finding it deep within the souls of whom I love….this beauty, oh the immeasurable greatness of His Love in each of us……..

—

I’m in the middle of a “seven cities in seven weeks” journey…oh, and I’m in grad school.  and somehow it all seems crazy and stupid and too much soooo much planned, but it’s me.  And it’s starting to become more and more of my contentment, a rather special kind of fulfillment.  A real chance to take in the love, to do all the love, to be a really unique kind of Love…

City 1: Mercersburg, PA

….and these folks.

It’s been a while since I threw my sleeping bag on a bunk, a while since I ate cafeteria food, and too long since 2am talks about life and God and lessons and brokenness and wholeness.  It’d been too long since the hugs that spoke saying, “Your support over the last six years has meant everything to me…” Too long since prayers that worshipped a God with my kids.  Friends, they’re still mine.  

I received the most awesome compliment, “Nicole, I look at you and see you with them, and I KNOW you love them like they were your own..” She’s right.  I loved them before I knew them…and six years later, our last retreat together…  Loving them more than I ever thought was possible….. My pride and joy right here peeps! Can they really be seniors?  Are they really grown-ups now?  And why was I so dang lucky for God to let me love them?!  ps. six years ago I was taller then all of them!

That’s my thing in this perfection of immeasurable love: I’m noticing all sorts of things in my peeps.  There’s this beauty I’m finding within… and I’m reminded of God’s glory that shines through them.  This glimpse of perfect Love that we are so not worthy of but get because of Him.  And it’s unreal.  I never thought it was possible…that. much. LOVE.  But He’s showing me this one thing, the beauty of His children….

I look at these kids and I can’t help but see this genuine and pure beauty that runs deeper than the everyday life of golf, and boy scouts, and college planning, and etsy work.  It’s like God has opened my eyes to bigger things that matter…they matter, so. much. more.

Those smiles.  It’s painful in the best sort of way that has me crying mercy, MERCY, we are Yours…

#ohilovethemso

City 2: Avis, PA

“Let Your glory fall as you respond to us…Spirit rain, flood into our thirsty hearts again….”

And here we are.  Speak to us that fierce and victorious glory, Your immeasurable Love.

This weekend won us well…me at least...  “Christ is revealed.”

It was easy.  It was us together with them.  It was the time away.  and it had me begging for more.  This break in my own everyday life to be with him and with them and in the relationships that have truly been life changing.  Waiting upon the Lord for a time to breathe through the school moments that overlapped with my “them” moments.  But in the silence, a contentment that was all I needed…an assurance that my life is exactly how it should be.  A happiness that I don’t want rattled, just shared.

Starting from scratch, he made the entire human race and made the earth hospitable, with plenty of time and space for living so we could seek after God, and not just grope around in the dark but actually find him. He doesn’t play hide-and-seek with us. He’s not remote; he’s near. We live and move in him, can’t get away from him!

 

-Acts 17:28 (The Message)

And He came.  We talked and I listened and once again saw a beauty that I’m just so unworthy to know.  To see their family intimately.  To know them so deeply. To hold a precious child tightly with a buried head in the fold where neck meets collar bone.  To play legos while wearing heels….To laugh until the tears crept up in all the immeasurable Love that’s been gifted.

We played with nerf guns and wiped boogers and drank wine and gross beer and heard wisdom from a great marriage and stories from devoted friends.  Somewhere around the Mario-kart that I just could not master, we reminisced. We worshipped.  We laughed, oh the laughter.  It wins me over.  They win me over with that immeasurable love that radiates like some sort of bright Glory drawing me further in…

#ohtoknowthatlove

“Eyes be opened, Christ is revealed…”

I can’t stop smiling.  I’m seeing, finding Him more through these intimate connections I have with others…re-realizing that nothing, absolutely nothing came into being without Him.  And here He is blessing us through the exhilaration of being with one another.  Here He is amongst those life changing relationships that are defining me…speaking to my heart.  Here He is, sweeping over my life with them, the most beautiful extensions of His heart.  Unworthy of this beauty am I… Beholding His beauty in them and these spirits, I AM.

#oh-this-laughter-that-warms-my-heart-like-a-tight-hug-that-never-lets-go

#itsmorethangood

I’m lost in the most passionate execution of worship as I adore who He is, how He loves me, and most importantly, how He’s given me so much love for these people in my life.  He’s here, revealed in this immeasurable love, showing me not just how to love, but who to love…

and life is just oh so Him in us.  He is near; Him and that immeasurable Love.

Last Wednesday I sat among some of the best ministry partners I’ve ever been so blessed to have.  He’s one:

We sat around a table I familiarly knew over hours of planning, praying, laughing, worshipping, growing, and CPC-ing.  This Wednesday, I hugged the students we once held as children.  I smiled over greatness that developed from goodness….and I. am. home.

Humility has it’s own way of standing strong- of bringing with it a solidarity of faith, an affirmation if you will, that can’t help but bring a sense of pride in the fulfillment of God’s call, His great and perfect will for us and for them.

So here I am.  So proud.

So proud to be at this perfect place in my reentrance to ministry to taste fruit I’ve never tasted…  It’s sweet.  It’s a song that plays on repeat singing, “this is what it feels like to raise pride.”

Look at them.  #neverbeenmoreproudtocallthemminehis  She’s going to be a life changing missionary (oh wait- she already is.  Oh Abs!  You.make.me.a.humble.heart.having.raised.pride.)  and you Ryan- that smile and those hugs, your wisdom… YOUR WISDOM and your words… do you remember sending me off with these (ps. I had to share!):

…you have shown me amazing faith and love. I know that the decision for you to leave was a very hard one for you as it was not really even your decision [big man up-stairs;)] and while i will miss not seeing you i am behind you 100%. Your compassion for missionary work, love for others, and devotion to God has shown me what it truly means to be a Christian.

in case you guys didn’t know… I freakin’ love you.

—

And can I introduce you to him?

His name is Peter– or as I like to call him, Peettttaaar!  (Whom I’ve watched grow into a strapping young and beautiful man of God.)  Some kids tug a little extra hard on your heart.  They start off small- a jab here another one there as they speak a little Truth to you during small group, a little nod during your message, a hug that says “thanks for being there for me” and you see them get it.  The tugs become stronger…But as you raise pride, that tug no longer is from their hands, but from His.  And He opens your eyes through words like these…five years later:

“Nicole, I’m starting to look at my faith as a spiderweb.  I see things in His plans that are intertwined to bring me here, to this moment in time…”

<wiping precious tears from my eyes>  …because he gets it.  This man is a warrior fighting to know God’s heart a little deeper.  I’ve watched him grow- known his struggles, witnessed his triumphs, and I humbly raised this pride.

Peettttaaar! I so proud of you.  SO PROUD.  Because this fierce heart of yours cries mercy and grace.. it teaches love and a worshipful adoration.  This summer, I’ve watched you raise your own pride.  And oh how I long for the day when you too will taste the fruit…

—

But it doesn’t stop there…

There’s Annie.  <sighs pride, has raised more pride>.  Annie and Peter were both some of the sweetest eighth grade students I started with at CPC.  Welcoming and kind.  Annie I hope you don’t mind when I share these words you wrote to me in an email my first week at CPC…

Thank you…I think I really needed to write [that] down to somebody who really cares.  It helped a lot.  Thank you so much!

btw- I have this notebook, I’ve titled it the “sometimes, Nic, you just need some encouragement” binder.  There’s many more emails like Annie’s in here.  But what I love about this particular one is the post-it on top of her message that reads “This is why you’re in it…”

We went from that, this sweet and innocent 8th grader with nothing but love for me to this beautiful woman with a heart that draws in the intense love of others… like these sweet, sweet boys.

One minute I was chaperoning her… and the next, she got to know this whole “raising pride” thing that God gifts and entrusts to us. …and a most beautiful soul in her He embraces.  So do they, our boys.

 Life fast-forwards too quickly.  A blink from this…

to that:

And in most cases I’d say- stop!  STOP growing up…but in hers… I can’t.  Because she was made to raise pride too.

So she does…. and I keep doing it too.

We move our feet to this sweet song that humbly watches a fruit that few are so lucky to taste… We’ll blink and then their feet will sway to the same beat…

raising pride.

It’s a song so sweet—

Take two:

I stole this.  Don’t ask from who, but does it really matter?  The message is what REALLY matters.

THIS message is one that I don’t expect for everyone to get.  It’s just one that I really hope EVERYONE “gets.”  ..someday at least.

I’ve been a part of this “wonderful family” for five and a half years now.  I’ve been there through four pastors, almost one entire youth group, and even through real life miracles.  I’ve been there through their hard times and challenges, and then I’ve run away through mine.  …and then I came back.

Because I like coming back.  I like the feelings I get when my kids run as fast as they can to wrap their arms around me and say, “hey.” that’s all, as if they used all their energy for running up to me they can’t spare a few more words than, “hey.”  It’s okay though, their hugs say it all.  Oh my kids.

I like coming back to my mama’s.  The mama’s that giggled with me through rock bottom memories and youth group embarrassments.  The mama’s that take me out for lunch because I’m a struggling college student.  The mama’s that let me tag along on their family vacations… the mama’s that let me play silly jokes on them… here’s one.  tape a piece of paper to the bottom of someone’s computer mouse.  It will get them every time.  EVERY. TIME.  Oh my Mama’s.

I like coming back to the Papa’s too.  The ones that sit *almost* next to me during worship and reach over and tap me on the shoulder to see if they can get me.  Guess what, you almost did.  Or the Papa’s that ask how school is going.  You’re sweet.  The Papa’s that give me bear hugs and tell me I look pretty.  You’re good Papa’s you with that love for me.

And then there’s the friends.  The one’s who let me share the first intimate moments with them to welcome in new life.  I’ve done that twice this month– and I have to be honest, it makes me want my own *new life*.  You friends that let me love yours deep into my soul, you let me welcome them into our “family” this one of hope, support, guidance, love…. you make this family real.

I come back for the memories.  Like when my Noah told me I smelt bad(ly).  Or when I got the cafeteria to sing happy birthday to the K-Man on his first mission trip.  How about this one: when the TV fell on Rachel’s head and killed her toe nail.  AND THIS: worst message ever- when I shared a timeline of my life to show how God works… Or when Pam and Cathy and I met the old man taxi driver at that conference in Chicago.  Or even the serious ones with gunshots outside our windows, children suffering, parents weeping, lives changing…

These memories carry.  They carry deeper than the ones that we’re born into and they carry farther than the ones that haven’t met Unity.  Because this unity is a special thing.  I want to preface saying, I love my family.  Like, I really love them.  But I LOVE my church family.  Not more, not “better,” just them.  I LOVE THEM.

Saw this too, so I’m stealing it as well.

Family isn’t always blood.  It’s the people in your life who want you in theirs; the ones who accept you for who you are.  The ones who would do anything to see you smile and who love you no matter what.”

And when you see them “get it” you “get it” that much more.

I told you I’d tell you about my time reentering the ministry at CPC.  The time is now.

In case you didn’t know, I DO know how to use a hammer.  I know how to build wall frames and use a table saw too.  And I know how to freeze my bo-hank-ass off (despite wearing seven layers) at the same time.  Friends, that takes skill.

I know how to love some good kids young adults.  That’s what they are now.  But I’d just like to say, the were in high school when I first met them… This May, I was invited to join one of my church Mama’s and some other awesome folk to go to Garrett County Maryland for the CPC Post-High School Mission Trip aka long Habitat days….that were cold…right, we actually had snow the first day on the site.

AND then… we’d finish with warm and fuzzy food.  No pictures of that, but it. was. good.  We’d hang out, talk life, do these things called “snap chats…” Yes, ladies, you won, I am now a “snapper chatter.”  But we’d end with my favorite part.  Me being me.

And we’d sit in a circle holding our Bibles.  We’d read His blessed Word.  We’d talk His blessed messages.  And we’d relate these blessed lives.  And yeah, I was me.  I was me watching them nod, hearing them listen (yes, that is possible), praising their gloriousness that has brought them to this “abundant life.”

I’ve always had themes for the summers.  Then again they were always led by ministry.  This year doesn’t necessarily have to be any different.  So may 2013 be about ABUNDANT LIFE.  LIFE that so preciously refocuses on relationships.

Like these:

and these:

ps. look who’s tallest. LOL it was worth a shot, I’m actually well aware of the obvious.

OH!  And while there, I got to drive the church van.. finally.  and they *claimed* they were scared for their lives.  We were on our way for ICE CREAM, HELLO!

but friends.  This life is rewarding.  My family, you are my rewards.

and this life, it’s pretty damn abundant.

I came back and I watched my boy publicly share his faith (and cried some precious tears of pride).

and then we rejoiced in witnessing fruit…it’s some pretty lovely fruit.  These two- LOVE THEM!

and then, AND THEN… abundance begins all over again.  In a couple of ways.

ONE:

I’m actually crazy in love with my church family.  I love how we’ve chosen each other.  I love how we embrace each other.  I love how we grow each other.  And I especially love how we grow each others.  Love mine.  You loved them a lot, just like you’ve loved me.  And the abundance lives on.

TWO:

I’m coming back this fall.  To live and love with yours.  You can take that however you want to…but I think you have an idea of what that means.  I’m doing my thing starting back this fall.  Me being me… and I. CAN’T. WAIT.

—

This is the family I’ve chosen.  My home.  For the rest of my life, my abundant life, you’re mine and I’m yours.  And for you smarty pants… *thoughts residing with these eyes glaring*

Oh for the love of family, just *get it* because this family is oh too good NOT to enjoy.

Me: Guess Who?!
Student: Nicole?
Me: WHAT?! How did you know it was me?!
Student: Because I could smell you…
Me: Ummmm?! *sniffs breath and armpits*
Student: No! NO! NICOLE!!! I meant I could smell your purfume and it smells lovely…
Me: Mmmhmmm… Right…. Nice save…

He’s right though, my purfume does smell lovely. “Lovely” being the opportune word.

Lovely…ahhh..
“I know you like to write your feelings and all, but…” words that are not so lovely. Words that stole a little piece of my glimmer and writing mojo. Until “lovely” insisted on returning. When I could smell you…

Why is smell the biggest memory enhancer? at least for me…

Like cucumber melon, 7th grade. Columbine.

Or sweet pea, high school.

and then it turned to Old Spice and those high school butterflies and first love.

or Ralph Lauren Polo and that college fling

and then Adidas Moves…. and a little too real of life…a little too lovely to be real.

But then there’s these, baby shampoo. and no more tangles. Those are the ones that make my heart melt in the loveliest of all loveliest ways. They make me happy, they make me ready…almost.

The smell of a hypnotic martini that screams friendship and support and first *adult-ish* love, answered prayer, God’s work… and here’s where my thoughts go back to being a little scattered and you have no idea what I’m talking about…

There’s the smell of dust and gravel roads, freshly mowed grass covering up a distant cow manure that’s accompanied by the sounds of roaring wind as you drive with the windows down blaring a little Rascal Flats. “Some say, we’re a couple of crazy kids…”

And then I just smell you and your support that’s got me here. hahaha, annndddd you still have no idea what I’m talking about. I smell me. And yes, it’s lovely.

A little over one year ago today, I stood in front of fear and hesitation and gave in to the best journey God has ever taken me on. And it’s over. and yes, I’m fully aware that every day of my life with Jesus is a journey…just a new one. Seriously this one is OVER!

I traveled in my home. I drove for miles and days. I left tears on the side of the road and questions with random gas station attendants. I embraced deep friendships over margaritas and wine (not glasses, BOTTLES). I laughed some fierce giggles….I fell in love…and then out…and then in again…and then out. AGAIN. I started a business. I kissed boys, a lot of boys. I even kissed a man. and then I failed, majorly. I fell asleep half dressed in my shower (covered in vomit). I snuggled with my sister. I went back to school. I moved. I celebrated. I lived and became me, the best me I’ve ever been.

Justin asked if it felt like I’ve been gone a year… “Sometimes.” I actually feel a world and a half apart from where I was then. I’m the happiest I’ve been in a long time. The strongest too. And baby, look at me now! Smell this lovely fragrance and with it enjoy the memories that make my heart jump. They return with innocence and confidence. They remind me of the fighter I am, and the passionate soul that no one will ever steal (or miss) again. And they just make me love, love life, love you, love me.

And now I have it all—and keep getting more! The gifts you sent were more than enough, like a sweet-smelling sacrifice roasting on the altar, filling the air with fragrance, pleasing God no end. You can be sure that God will take care of everything you need, his generosity exceeding even yours in the glory that pours from Jesus. Our God and Father abounds in glory that just pours out into eternity. Yes. (Philippians 4:18-20 MSG)

Dear Jesus, pour your fragrant offering upon me, let me wash Your feet with mine. And let me love You more today, more tomorrow. Let me smell You more than cucumber melon and adidas moves. Let me smell you like the dust that was a part of my journey. Love, nic

and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. (Ephesians 5:2 NIV)

Was…

well…

geez, I have no idea.

—

I had 384 views yesterday.  Is that for real?!  384!  Do you all really care that much…. or were there people that were just that “interested” in seeing who and what and when….as if they’re really a part of my everyday life.  Okay so that sounds really snobby, REALLY SNOBBY!  And not at all like I don’t care and am not deeply touched by the “interest” but really… REALLY?!

Words are just more fun.

Words are the funness around my smiles.

Words are the funness around my silly life.

Words are the funness around these experiences that bring me closer to who God wants me to be.

Words are the unspoken tears of the hard times that I later look back at as “fun”.

Words are the laughter to some crazy ass first (and last) dates… more on that later…

Words really are just way more fun.

—

I have five favorite responses from yesterday’s post:

1- “Mija, what are you not telling us…?”

2- “Wait.  So you’re NOT getting married to ____” which by the way I probably owe huge apologies to the life changer who probably now thinks I’m some crazed pathological liar living in fantasy world… more on that later too… for now know this: I’M NOT.

3- “Let me tell you a story about a boy and a wolf…”

4- “I’m so confused.”

5- “Wait.. I thought you were over *that*” (referring to the last *lost* six months of my life)

Which is what begs for yet ANOTHER follow-up post to my last controversial two.

The news- Though it may have inferred bad news, it was quite the opposite.  Instead what “the news” did was show me just how sensitive and involved I still am to the life of CPC.  The ministry is a part of my heart, seriously it will ALWAYS BE…. and in realizing how close it all still is to me– I had no choice but to reflect on how much I’ve grown since leaving….even finally making realizations about my leaving.

And my heart was a part of that.  Learning to love me for me.  Loving myself because of who He made me… Allowing someone to love me for me.  Being okay when it’s not what I thought or expected was probably the biggest lesson of it all and I’ve learned it all over these last six months.  These words that I type are that much more fun because of these realizations.  It’s all coming together.  It just keeps coming together.

Look-the fact that I have to say this again just really makes me shake my head with a sassy grin.  I will get married.  In the meantime though–please know, I’m still not that Christian girl.  Take me for the one who trusts in the Lord and learns from relationships.  The one who moves forward while looking back occasionally (because I’d be lying if I said I didn’t or wouldn’t).  And believe me when I say, don’t, I repeat DON’T let your new “interests” know/find out about your blog amidst sassy fun words such as those.  and more on that later too….

And in the funness of these words, I say hello to this life and wave goodbye *that* life.  With a smile and with tears.  With excitement and with fears.

These words are just fun.  And yes scattered.  and yes, definitely not always thought out.  But they’re mine.  So to the 384 of you who were that excited for me, thank you.  and sorry, but please don’t be offended by this sass- take a chill pill, and realize, really, really?! you were more excited for my upcoming wedding than I was.  Step back.  Have fun with these words.  And smile.  with tears.  with excitement.  with fears.  and just Behold Him with me.  He doesn’t stop working, this sass just keeps getting better.