The girls spent all summer watching Sing. There’s a line that I’m hearing as I write this, “Do you know what’s good about hitting rock bottom? There’s only one way left to go, and that’s up.” So there I went, carried by a bushel of balloons, just like in the movie Up. (Can you tell we let our kids watch a lot of TV?)

I decided to submerge myself in the head faith that had been cemented so deeply, and let my heart follow, no matter how slowly and far behind she chose to go. I decided to apply to grad school. I sat for hours talking to my dad about my longed-for-future-husband, and how finding someone as great as him was by far the hardest part of rising up. But in that talk, never did I think that nine years, I’d actually have found him.

I never imagined that together, we’d be soaking up the smells of baby spit-up, and her sweaty little palms.

Never did I think that I’d be braiding hair, over the taste of flat coke at 8 a.m. I couldn’t have imagined the smiles I’d see as my twin girls found their surprises from the back-to-school fairy. Hah. TWINS. Do you think I ever imagined that?? Never did I imagine that I’d get to have my mom by my side for all the great moments of this stage. I miss my dad terribly, but God, am I ever so thankful for your provision…

But here we are. And 35, is just the best most possible year yet.

I asked Trey on Sunday how old I was turning. I blame it on the mom brain because admitting how old I am (as evidenced by my memory loss) is too painful in the silliest of ways. That, and honestly, mom brain is something I never knew I always wanted. The loud screams, both theirs and mine, that make it so incredibly hard to focus on anything other than “Lord, I need you NOW.” The “hurry, hurry, we’re going to be late,” while juggling a pacifier, a water bottle, a pull-up, and a cheese stick while buckling two kids into the car seats– all things that also contribute to said mom brain daily. The “stop pulling her hair,” said with a baby on a boob while trying to break up a toddler catfight…yes, still possibly the best year yet.

It’s the year my dad rejoined our family in the form of our Robbie. The year the girls started dance. The year they started preschool. I couldn’t have asked for a better present either than the deafening silence in our home…once again contributing to my mom brain as I ask myself, “What do I do now…” to which I just looked at the clock and said to Trey… “oh no, I forgot about Robbie!”

My father-in-law texted me birthday wishes today, to which I responded, “The best gift, by far, is the quiet home.” My sister-in-law and nephew called not long after, and the first thing she asked was how my emotions were handling today. It’s funny because most of my other friends have texted to check how Trey was doing. To be honest, there were almost no fallen tears… I’ll let you guess whose tears were the ones to fall.

For me, goodness gracious of course I had tears in my eyes. How, oh how, oh how did we arrive here? Those balloons haven’t stopped floating since the moment the girls were born. I joked at the silence, but in those quiet moments (after I remembered Robbie and started to feed her), I smiled pride. The same pride, I remember my dad smiling upon me, as he watched me rise back up. Because this is their time to rise. And oh my Lord, don’t they look so good doing it…

beholding these blessings and life and redemption and these moments that are fleeting so quickly.

Twelve months!

If you know me, you know my “real” dream has been to blog, blog, and blog some more of my mom-life, even as a non-mom at 24…guess what?! That 24 year old had no idea that mom-life would have next to no room at all for blogging. Instead that mom-life would be filled with drool soaked onesies, and bucked little teeth, and stroller poop blowouts, and two little dancing queens that would fill my heart so full that my brain couldn’t even handle. Translation: mom-brain on steroids.

I posted a photo of Trey and I yesterday while we were on one of our dates…which sadly has had to become more purposeful than effortless over the last year. Our date included two fast food stops and a quick target run (full disclosure: publically writing that throws on a little mom-guilt because, oops, my girls are barely one and are eating fast food…but hello- as with every other thing I say this year… I have twins. So yeah, I proudly ordered those grilled nuggets to get out of cooking. Give me that hall pass y’all.)

Any way…said date included fifteen minutes in a target parking lot; my brother in law texted us exactly nineteen minutes later to ask about the action we were bringing (giving) to the Fredericksburg Target parking lot. Lots of action, Tav. We have two twelve month olds….

“Action” these days includes running after a new walker, chasing two littles up (and down) the stairs, losing one in a closet, the other in the pantry. Action looks like Trey lying to me about leaving work late, to pick me up for another “date” when he knows I’ve had a long, hard day of momming. And for the most part, I’m doing just fine with this kind of action.

The fifteen minutes of uninterrupted time in the wrong target parking lot, no crying, no clingy third leg, no upset sister screaming in the background for a stolen toy, it’s an unseen and unheard noise we’re learning to embrace with one another. Talks of new things to pray about, career goals, parenting goals, and yeah even some life-logistics, all part of that fifteen minute action at target. But okay, we’ll take it.

I suppose missing the parking lot action before is partly my fault, though I’d never admit it…. I was too busy doing my happy dances over one year portraits, and a much needed family get-away (that really included FAMILY), and a rescheduled birthday party that had to have it’s theme written in the tiny details because that’s just how I do. And this season, in this season, I told myself that it was okay…missing the action with my husband. Newsflash people: don’t miss the action with your husband. Two new job titles in our lives and here we were, trading in that other kind of marital action for a different kind… Question: Can quick action mom hands to catch “tamiflu projectile vomit” and quick action dad hands to catch flying baby that mom threw count as marital “action?” Wait. I think I’m doing it again. Making excuses for us and our super exciting, kid-filled marriage. It’s just a season I tell myself, and one that we prayed to have for a very long time…

On the girls’ actual birthday, I didn’t know how to “parent” on social media. Should I do a sappy post? A one-liner post? Or should I just post a picture announcing their birthday and wait for my sappy husband to do the rest? I chose the latter… making sure to acknowledge our love for one another because if there’s anything at all I want to remember of this past year, it’s how in this season, we made it, still healthy-ish of a team for our babies and for one another. I probably didn’t know it when they were born (p.s. I’m still dying to do a birth story post before my mom brain complete wipes the memory), but aside from keeping the babies alive, keeping “us” alive was the next, most important goal. And in this season, we’re still breathing and still very much in love. Yay, US!

12 months in, and the action just looks a little different.
—
For Trey, our action probably looks like invisible eye rolls behind every “sure” and “yes, dear” to my every idea of “it’s for the girls.” If there was an Oscar for “Best Supporting Dad” he’d be on his way to a second. And…I LOVE that about his “action” over the last twelve months.

“Trey. We CAN NOT/WILL NOT do cake smash portraits. Everyone does that and our girls are NOT everyone. I am not every. one.”

“Yes, Dear.”

“Trey. They need pajamas that no one else is going to have.”

“Sure.”

“Trey. I need the cricut for Christmas so that I can make things…for the girls.”

And thank goodness that was a “Yes, Dear.” Because it really has taken my party planning to the very next level.

“Trey. I’m ready for my new camera body…” That’s been my favorite “Yes, Dear YET!”

Let’s start with the portraits (because let’s be real… that’s why you’re here isn’t it?! Thanks for humoring me and emoting with me all the marital bliss of our first year with kids!).

I decided during one of my more recent cake smash sessions, that I didn’t want it for my girls. Maybe it was the photographer in me that had done it just enough times that though while still ABSOLUTELY adorable, I wanted something I haven’t seen a lot of. Something messy, but something that I could carry into the theme of their party and something that would give me a professional “newness” to get excited about.

As an older “ish” mom, I’ve learned to schedule kid parties at their happiest time of day! For us, that meant BRUNCH. Helloooooo “Pancakes and Pajamas!” Have you ever baked with a kid? How about two eleven month olds?! Cue the MESS.

Before the pictures, the girls had never had pancakes. This was a perfect time to try them, and thankfully, they loved them!

After the novelty of sitting on mom’s counter to eat lunch wore off, it was go time. I ordered their chef hats off of amazon and staged the mixer with flour and water and let them go to town.

If you ever wonder about their personalities, here’s my most favorite picture that best describes them; Elsie dominating her sister. It really is a new occurrence every day. This might be a good time to tell you that Hannah really is the happiest baby. If you see her fussy, it’s quite probable that she is BEYOND frustrated with her sister taking things from her, crawling on top of her, and yes, trying to shove things into her mouth—like faux pancake batter.

It’s funny, not really, but just one bath and one short nap after the girls’ portraits, Elsie had a 102.8 fever. Our favorite friend who also happens to be the most amazing pediatrician we could ask for just moved an hour away, so in the car we went to get a quick nose swab…four days before their birthday party and oh yeah, 56 people had already RSVP’d. Hello Flu A, it’s SO NICE to meet you, come stay awhile, infect our house!

I spent the next 48 hours with a velcro-ed Elsie to my chest listening to her painful whimpers. In those early morning hours as I felt her breathing, I cried (which I don’t do a lot of, I swear). Those quiet tears streamed down my face as I reminisced other early morning hours of her sleeping on my chest, listening to her baby snores, smelling her tiny little head. And somehow here we were, a year later. That was good therapy, good FREE therapy that I needed. I wish my daughter got the flu every time I needed a break from major mom things like party planning…said no one ever, I think. Newsflash: I’ve now reached the milestone in motherhood where I secretly love my child being sick for the forced snuggles I receive. Come on, you know I’m not alone here….

Doctor-Uncle Paul put Hannah on a prophylactic dose of Tamiflu and she was sent to my mom’s house (aka in back of the kitchen) with a buttload of prayers. We waited and waited but dang; that tamiflu really does work wonders! I missed her terribly and felt this tremendous guilt of “how will I ever spread the love evenly and fairly?” Having two at once has quickly taught me about balance…at least quicker than most parents probably…I’m still getting there…well maybe…who am I kidding— WILL I EVER GET THERE?!

By the end of the week I was sick. Trey was sick. Hannah escaped with just a cold. And mom had an asthma-flare up. FUN TIMES.

We woke up that Tuesday morning (their actual birthday) in a panic. Um. I had no cake for them. Their presents weren’t wrapped…and oh yeah we just got back from a four day weekend away (originally planned for the four of us, turned plus seven) and we needed some serious introverting time. And p.s. What’s for dinner?!

They had no idea.

My mom gave them this tent from IKEA which they love. Later that week, my aunt gave them the attaching tunnel. SO PERFECT!

Trey came home early from work. His new job was sending him on his first business trip the next day and my anxiety was through the roof. I soaked up the time he had with us as though it was our last. Our little family of four.

The very, VERY best part of the day was when our Elsie girl took her first steps… on her first birthday… before her Daddy left us for the next 36 hours. You military wives, and all other wives with traveling husbands, I have the UTMOST respect for you.

I had decided to get the girls “dressed up” ish so they could pick out their very own birthday cupcakes. It was actually a very underwhelming event so no pictures to share…MUCH to my disappointment because you KNOW this will now be our tradition… long story short we won’t be returning to the shop. Cupcake shop recommendations, anyone?

The girls invited their very best friends, our neighbors from across the street…

How are y’all doing? Still hanging with me? I promise I’m getting to the party next!

With three days left before their party, I felt so unprepared. The truth was, I wasn’t *that* unprepared. I had been working one goal a day for almost a month leading up to their party. Little details like brunch menus at the tables and a pretty banner, games, that part was ready. It was the cooking. Now, I love me some good dinners, but cooking breakfasts has never been my forte but we managed. Mom and I pre-made 87 pancakes! I have two tried and true breakfast dishes, and that’s about it. We let God do the rest!

If you’ve never had my grain-free egg casserole, you’re going to want this. And the omg French toast casserole can be found here. I’m thankful for instant, ready-made sausage, bacon cooks, and a sister who bakes and understands without question my enneagram. If there’s one person I will relinquish control to, it will always be her. She gets me, and all my over the top visions. She blew my cake vision OUT OF THE PARK!

One of the big lessons motherhood has taught me is that it’s okay to lose some vision along the way. With everything else going on, I completely forgot to make food labels to go on these cute place setting hearts that I had found in the target dollar spot. Thankfully our neighbors have that high school girl handwriting and filled in the gaps perfectly!

I wanted bright and cheery and breakfast. Fruit loops were our cheap table decor!

I was telling Marisa (my sister-cousin) that it was so obvious that the girls have a mom for a photographer. Ha! I meant a photographer for a mom. More cheap table decor- kraft paper runners with prints from their first vacation, first haircuts, first holidays, even first picture together. I then added a little description below each one.

I also wanted to be sure to use some photos from their one year portraits as decor around the house. This was a guest sign-in poster that I had printed at Walgreens. (That alone was the most painful part of the party planning. As a photographer, I don’t ever want to know if that’s where you’re printing your photos… eek!! with the poor quality.)

We placed ziplock bags with cereal boxes that had been cut up as a minute to win it game for people to play when they were done eating.

We ended up having about 45 people at the party– not that many less than we had originally expected and knowing that they all were there to celebrate our girls was the most wonderful feeling! We’re so thankful for all that have stood by us over the last four years. To say we’ve been blessed is the understatement of the century. We feel it, with every hug, prayer, text from you. Thank you!!

We’ve decided that the girls will forever be welcomed at every Bressler party ever. They’re the key to success and FUN!

We’ve been pals for a LONG time, a few marriages and now babies. God is so, so good!

This picture makes me miss my dad a lot. Like “tears to my eyes as I look at it” kind of miss him. All the things I feel like he’s missing… but his presence and legacy is something we’re most proud to carry on.

remember that part about Elsie stealing things from her sister….

and remember that other part about Elsie crawling on top of her sister…

I found these robes at HomeGoods the week before the party. How perfect are they?! And if you’ve seen any photos or stories that include my girls, chances are you’ve seen their infamous bed head. The rollers seemed much more appropriate than bows.

Marisa made two smash cakes– one for each girl. From the beginning we always said we’d need to find ways to give the girls their own birthday recognition. This was one way! If you notice, each girl also has different pajamas that I found on Etsy, Uno and One (remember, we’re Mexican!). We sang “Happy Birthday” to Elsie first (she’s two minutes older). We did the same thing on their actual birthday.

Hannah is slowly learning how to fight back!

For those wondering about that gorgeous Pancake Cake…buttercream with blueberry filling.

We ended the party with a pancake toss that Trey put together. The kids grabbed a partner, a plate, and some toss pancakes. I made the toss pancakes out of rice, felt, and hot glue. SO EASY… also cheap! They had fun and we all enjoyed watching too. Elsie was screaming cheering all her friends and cousins on!

One last detail to the party that isn’t really pictured. I decided I want to make a tradition of it, so I’m sharing it here. I made a slide show of all of our big events that we watched together on the eve of their birthday and then that played on the AppleTV throughout their party. It brought tears to our eyes, and was super fun to share with others. The girls must have a mom for a photographer… it’s truly the best way to capture all the action. HAH!

Oh- but on that note, one last thing and I promise not a super long soapbox. Guys, find a photographer for your kids’ birthday parties. We did this even for my dad’s last birthday party. Wait, find a photographer for all the big events.. and hey, you already know one! 1- it’s so much more enjoyable to host, and 2- they’ll be pictures of you after your dead. Seriously. My friend Stacie came to the party and I am so so soooo thankful for these memories of our perfect, little family at the girls’ first birthday party.

The end. For real. THE. END.

It’s like overnight, Elsie found her feet and Hannah became a chatterbox.  Overnight they were standing in their SKIPHOPS and holding their heads up for just a little longer each day.  Like, where did four months even go?!  And will summer always speed the growing up process?  I don’t think I can handle that… 

We have two back to back vacations planned and between the six checked bags and the cumulative twenty-eight hours in the car, six months will be here and I’ll be 33 going on 84 and Dad will wake up with seven new grey hairs—both of us still saying that our girls are worth it all.  Worth it ALL.  But four months—thank you for being so so kind to us!

Things to remember:

You both HATE being swaddled, preferring to have your arms out.  In fact, I can’t remember the last time you were swaddled; it’s been a while; probably about as long as you’ve been sleeping through the night.  I think you started sleeping through the night around three months.  We can’t remember—we were sleep deprived. 

You love when Grandma sings to you – especially her version of “Old McDonald” … had a farm -e-ah e-ah ohhhhhhh.  By the way, who says “e-ah” ?!?!  Right, I didn’t think so.

Daddy loves to sing to you too and he is the only one who can get you girls to giggle on command.  He loves you more than life itself. And so do I.

Hannah we LOVE to watch you find your hands.  And Sweet Elsie girl, we think your addiction to the paci needs to stop soon—as soon as vacation is over it will, and we apologize in advance for letting you cry it out almost more than our hearts will be able to handle.  It’s a good thing you love to suck your fingers.  I debated trying to break your thumb sucking habit but I like that it’s how you’ll self-soothe.  My addiction: watching you put yourself to sleep; you like to rub your head with your lovey in one hand while you thumb suck on the other.  Well, actually, just watching you in general.

You really are just the cutest thing ever…So is your sister.  Never mind.  You are tied.

Hannah- your sweet voice is the best I’ve ever heard.  I’d say that about Elsie but you talk WAYYYY more than her.  Maybe you really are like your mom in every way possible.  You LOVE books about as much as Els likes TV… which is A LOT.  You fall asleep in the bath because it’s your most favorite thing ever, and when I comb your hair, you are patient and calm.  P.S.  I had to get a wet comb for you girls because you have so many tangles.  Daddy says no haircuts until you’re six months old… at least.  We need to work on that.

No sleep regression (not yet at least) and we like to think it’s because of our firm commitment to BabyWise-ing you both.  We’ll see…

You have the most protective big sister, EVER. And though we feel guilty for a lot of times neglecting her because of your needs, we know she is loving the opportunity of looking after you.

Hannah you give the BEST hugs burrowing your head into our necks especially getting bashful when we tell you how cute you are.  Els—your interest in everything around you makes it so hard to snuggle you, but we try anyway—sometimes you even let us.  You love to sleep with us in the early morning hours and somehow your little thirteen pound body is strong enough to push Daddy right out of bed.  Even so, he is the ONLY one you will give those sloppy wet kisses.  We’re still teaching you, Hannah.

I LOVE to read to you and I get really sad when you fall asleep before we can finish a book. Holding you in my lap makes me feel like this is what it was made to do.

You both love Uncle-Doctor Paul and some of the most funnest parts of parenting you girls are when we get to see him and learn all about your growth and development.  It’s affirmation for us—who knew we could be fully capable for keeping you alive as long as we have.  Go us.

We’re beholding God’s creation in you.  We watch you as you sleep, seeing those tiny breaths that raise your chest and bellies up and down, up and down.  And with each breath you take … woah, suddenly realizing this sounds very much like the Police song.  What I was going to say was, we thank God for you. Always we are thanking God for you.  We look at the intricacies of His design in you.  The long eyelashes, the birth mark on your eye, the finger toes, the little bubble toes, the way your belly buttons remind me that I gave you life…

all of it, because God was gracious enough to give you to us. Believe us when we say, we don’t take any second for granted. at all.

—

Four month check- up in photos below.  Also- please don’t judge that I photographed the girls getting their shots.  There was something about the way they stared at their dad that made me fall in love with him all over again.. the way they looked to him for protection and the way he delivered it 110%.  Being a family is the greatest, GREATEST gift I’ve been given and of all the things we get to do together, having him next to them is the very best part.

We knew before we even had the girls that we would be dedicating the girls back to the Lord. In fact, Hannah is named after the beautiful and faithful woman in the Bible who made a vow to God to dedicate her son, Samuel to the Lord for His service. So many nights of worry that my pregnancy was just a dream, I would pray to God, “Take them if you must, we know they were never ours to begin with…” Of course when I would pray that, it never hurt nearly as bad as it does now– I guess that’s the way a mother’s love grows day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute…. But they’re His girls, and we don’t ever take the gift from Him to us for granted. I like to think that approaching parenthood with this mindset is opening our hearts to hear God’s direction for our girls.

Coming from traditional families with Catholic backgrounds, we were adamant that we would have the girls baptized in our home church. Our church family in Centreville prayed long and hard for us during our infertility and we fully believe that these girls have not just been gifted to us, but to them too as we all watched our prayers be answered in the miracle of Elsie’s and Hannah’s births. To top it off, our pastor, who I worked with long ago has become such a dear friend through the years so having him as such an integral part of their baptism meant a lot to me. BUT– we have a church here too. We have a community here that has grown us so much, and we know without a doubt will be growing our daughters too.

Then came the nitty-gritty theology. Infant baptism is all we’ve personally known and ever wanted for our children. Trey constantly prayed over our interpretation of scripture and household baptism. We also prayed hard over dedication and what we learn in Matthew 28:18-20:

Jesus, undeterred, went right ahead and gave his charge: “God authorized and commanded me to commission you: Go out and train everyone you meet, far and near, in this way of life, marking them by baptism in the threefold name: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Then instruct them in the practice of all I have commanded you. I’ll be with you as you do this, day after day after day, right up to the end of the age.”

We’ve always interpreted this passage instructing us to baptize AND THEN live by example and instruction to walk and love in the ways of the Lord. However, we also know that baptism is not a salvation issue. We know that when the day comes, our girls will make a decision for themselves based on a desire for salvation and an eternity with our Maker, our Savior, and even their grandpa. One of the greatest lessons I ever had in my years of youth ministry and training was to never assume salvation because children had been baptized or raised in the church. I can distinctly remember seeing kids feel robbed of that “salvation moment” and the joy that it brings when you just know. There’s just something about having Hannah make her own decision, and Elsie making hers that swells my heart…

All these things we took into account. I talked to Rob who said in his loving and father-like way, “Nicole, haven’t you found a church down there yet?” If you know us, we’re all about community. In part because of the tradition in the Presbyterian church to ask the congregation to make a verbal commitment at baptism to help raise our children in the church but also because we know we are not the people we are today without the support and love from our communities. Anyway, to be honest, both of our churches not just encourage but necessitate the commitment of community to help us raise our girls into the church. But, our new church doesn’t do infant baptism, only dedication. The same way I talked to Rob, we decided to meet with our friends here aka pastor + wife + adorable daughter to have a similar conversation. The conversation also included things like “but our family won’t understand the difference” and “there would be about 40 people there to join in on the commitment with us.”

We knew the girls had their godparents, we knew our immediate families made up sixteen more, and then if you’ve been following along, my extended family would make up the rest. Jeff and Jenny offered to do a private dedication ceremony at our home to included everyone but though SO SO gracious, we declined the big fat Mexican Baby Dedication and traded it for a smaller-ish more intimate time of prayer with other families from our church– here.

Our church is called South Ridge. I can’t remember if I’ve shared the story of how we found it, but let’s just say, they found us. Their commitment and mission to families and the gospel is what keeps us ignited with passion for the Lord and His presence in our own family. We are so thankful to Jeff and especially Jenny for making the Baby Dedication such a memorable and holy time for our family– complete with a photographer (you know, the second most important thing of the day for me.)

There is something to be said about having those closest to us, and the ones who already know and see the girls on a daily/weekly basis join with us in this blessed commitment. We are so blessed by this body of believers who helped us dedicate our girls. I guess it still was a big fat Mexican and American baby dedication– and one that has us smiling upon every thought and remembrance.

We chose PapaLu and LizzyLu to be your godparents because of their example to us through the years. They have modeled a loving and godly marriage to us, but also what it’s like to be parents who are so intricately involved in the spiritual growth of their children by serving in the student ministry. Having four kids of their own- their biggest example to us is that we WILL live past these long but treasured days with you and look like a million bucks on the other side.

NanaHeidi held our hands the day we were married and prayed blessings over us with your other church nanas. She prayed specifically for you then and thinking of all I can say about her right now is bringing tears to my eyes. She loves you girls so much; loved you before you were created and will be there for us through all the thicks and thins of our lives. The first small group your dad and I participated in once we were married was hosted and led by PapaSam and NanaHeidi and the Bergquists (who love you a lot already too)! When you think of dad and I and our love and commitment to one another, don’t do it without thanks to them and their lessons that laid such a strong foundation for us that we hope and pray we are passing to you every single day.

Aunt Stephanie has become one of our closest friends and biggest cheerleaders! We truly feel we wouldn’t have survived Grandpa’s death as well as we have without her prayers and support throughout his illness and crossover to meet Jesus. I’ll never forget when I told here we were pregnant with you. She called me right away and we talked about strollers and sharing grapes and pregnancy fears.. if there’s anyone who knows twin life, it’s her and Uncle Chuck. And just like your other godparents, their marriage is one that we strive to have in order to be the best that we can be for you girls. The examples they all have set in raising godly children sets a high bar, one we pray to live up to all the time. Having their support along the way is something Daddy and I know is essential to our commitment in raising you girls to know and feel Jesus with you at all times.

Your family and our close friends were a part of the day too– they’ve been there from the moments we learned of your existence and from the moment you were born.

Hannah Hope- you were dedicated to the Lord by your father and I on May 11, 2019, trusting that someday He will use you to move mountains according to His will. Elsie Love- your father and I gave you back to the Lord for His service to be a blessing to others always on May 11, 2019. May you both forever know that on this day, you received the biggest blessing to be welcomed with open arms into this beautiful family of believers in His presence. We prayed that you would grow in strength to be beautiful women that would exude the gospel in everything you say and do. We prayed you’d grow to be kind, confident, sincere, compassionate– that you would put others before yourself. And then these most marvelous saints, they all prayed for Daddy and I. They prayed for energy and strength in our marriage and especially in the ways that we are raising you.

Our community is filled with the most beautiful people Aunt Sarah and Uncle Doctor Paul being some of them. From the moment we met we connected like something from heaven… oh wait, it was. They love you girls so so much. I kick myself that I didn’t take any pictures when they came to visit you in the hospital…but they did. AND Uncle Doctor Paul helps us keep you alive– that alone in-debts us to him eternally. No but really- Paul and Sarah- we miss our double dates before we had kids, and appreciate your prayers before, during, and after their births. Thank you for committing with us to raise these girls to know our Savior… and thank you also for creating a love triangle between our girls and your boy.

Can you tell we pray a lot– sometimes when I write I think we sound like the most desperate people… but I correct myself saying that we are the most faithful people instead, knowing that God delivers in His timing and ways. All that to say… that we prayed HARD for the worlds best neighbors to come to our street. I wanted a young family that would have kids that could grow up with the girls… but what God answered with was even better. He gave us Jeff and Roxanne who together with the girls help grow our girls. They were some of the first visitors at the hospital and are some of the last we see before we go to bed…regularly. Hannah, despite your face in this picture, you LOVE Mr. Jeff!!

I know this is a super long post…. like SUPER LONG– but what I hope is gathered from this is how beautiful the community is that comes from being a part of God’s church. Not a day goes by that we don’t thank God for these people, these believers who are already impacting you girls for eternity by sharing in God’s beautiful family together. I guess that’s why we’re so #blessed. It’s them!!

In complete and pure Nicole-fashion, I had a pinterest inspired Big Fat Mexican Baby Dedication party planned. I even made these invitations that I sent out to our guests with the girls’ birth announcement…

We made prayer cards on my cricut… which of course I didn’t picture. AND I even made a cake topper and banner… which weren’t really pictured either. Hence my attempts at pinterest momming not completely failing… the important thing is that we partied. We celebrated this first, big, and most important event in the girls’ lives and we loved every second of it. I especially loved that my husband did the picture taking so that I could enjoy just being.

These girls are my biggest saving grace of motherhood. “Nicole, can we come put the girls to bed?” “Nicole, do you need help feeding the girls?” “Want me to babysit?” YES! ALL THE TIME YESSSS!!

and Jenny- YOU!! YOU were the mastermind behind all of it! Our most special day, thank you!!

This was the first time we had all “our” kids in one place; the kids that taught us how to love so deeply and sacrificially. I’m completely IN LOVE with this picture, and it will hang on our walls FOREVER, the day we gave them all more cousins! I know it was never their intention to bring about pain on Trey and I, but I hated when they would ask us if we were “EVERRRRR going to have a couple of kids.” So glad to know we didn’t disappoint.

Signing off now. If you have questions about baptism or dedication or my super creative undocumented Big Fat Mexican Baby Dedication *to which many of the Mexican’s were unable to attend* hit me up. I’d love to chat it over!

xoxo,

Nicole

a special thanks to our church’s photography ministry: Lindsay Sousa and Stacie Hubbard for taking the dedication photos at the Gauntlet!

I saw a couple moms’ posts yesterday about their little firecrackers and it brought back all those memories! If you can empathize at all you won’t be surprised to know that when I saw this, I was right back there in my judgy state wondering… why?! You have a beautiful and healthy child! You have a daughter who is independent. A son who is happy…

It’s kind of like when all the twin spectators see me holding one girl on my hip and pushing the stroller with the other hand, “Wow! You have your hands full.” You know I’m sassy so I say, “But my heart is fuller…” I always say “my heart is fuller.”

Is it the skeptical, negative “me” that chooses to see the words “little firecracker” as a slight? Or, is that really how it is meant?? Here I am on the other side, and believe me, I get it. Honestly, I got it before hand too– I was a nanny. I am an aunt and for goodness sakes, I worked with middle schoolers for 10+ years! I have plenty of “firecrackers” in my life, and now, even a “firecracker” of my own. But I refuse to look at said “firecrackers” as intended. My Elsie, makes me thrash covers at 3 a.m. She brings about more eye-rolls from me than I was giving my poor dad at sixteen. But goodness knows, I am proud of her. She is only four months old and I am PROUD of the person she is becoming. I am proud that before words she knows how to communicate her feelings, her wants, her desires, and especially her needs… a-whole-latta needs. She’s already so bold– and believe me that will serve her well in the future. If she is a firecracker, then Lord– I hope she never burns out.

I realized yesterday as we were sitting around the family table (we call it a family table rather than a dining table because that’s where family gathers), that I don’t ever want any of our “firecrackers” to burn out. This while hushing Kellan so he wouldn’t wake the babies, also while hushing Hudson so he wouldn’t wake the babies… and also while… you guessed it, hushing Tav so he wouldn’t wake the babies. Their energy is something I pray will take them to high places now AND TOMORROW. I pray that the firecracker in them will spark a tenacity to fight hard for themselves and even more for others.

That loud roar of childhood noise is music to our ears. Trey is going to call me right about now when he reaches this point to question, “our ears?!” To which I will say, It is.. it’s the sound of broken strings, and an off key trumpet, mixed with some flats on those old piano keys– but still working, still playing, not giving up… and would we want it any other way?!

Let it be known that our world has eleven little “firecrackers” and we like it that way. However, please do your best to refrain from calling them firecrackers unless you mean it like we do. In which case, by all means, encourage the energy and definitely encourage the honesty! Those are the firecrackers we like to light.

Together, we lit our firecrackers with ice cream pie and games and playful uncles. Those lights were dazzling and to be honest, as I look through the photos, they’re still shining bright!

Sharing our fourth in photos below:

If you want to find me in my element, I’ll be in the back cooking… entertaining… chopping onions… you know, just being happy as a clam.

Quote of the day: “Guys, I’m going to need an umbrella again this year… this time for different reasons.” Last year was so stinking hot. This year, a storm was brewing.

I remember my dad and his respect for the flag. He would ALWAYS bring it inside… John did the honors this year.

This is Granny’s “I think you’re cheating look,” a trait that our firecrackers will grow out of soon enough but for now, need the reminding.

I will never claim to be a pinterest worthy mom with decorations to match every event which is why I am choosing to share these. Notice the cups in the wrappers and the grocery sack on the corner. Notice the bottle in the background and Toy Story on the counter? We’re living in the days of little firecrackers… this is real life.

If you follow me on Instagram, I post my cooking escapades on stories from time to time. SO MANY people wanted this recipe. But guess what, I don’t use recipes! That said, here’s the best that I could come up with for these water in your mouth hamburgers.

I did not story the ice cream pie that is our family’s staple at EVERY spring-fall event. Notice how my husband likes to focus in on our Texas ice cream. If you haven’t had it, you aren’t truly living…

This is where Tavy questioned my ability to make good food. “Tavy, have you EVER had something that I made and not like it…?”

His response, “Oh… Uncle Trey made that…”

Notice Hudson munching on that burger…

This was about the time Papa realized that Tav and I need to open up our own restaurant. When we retire, right Tav?

This might have been the ONLY moment I sat down all day (and when I ate) … I wouldn’t have it any other way. #inmyelement

For some reason, I couldn’t stop watching Tavy– he was 5 when I met him and now he looks like he’s 12. I’ve said it before, Lord help me when my girls start growing up.

And no. My four month old daughter is NOT wearing a wig…

Also, do you think my other daughter will ever grow out of getting hangry?

Bless his heart, he wanted to hold her so badly…

The boys taught Hannah how to do the Macarena. I’m dying now just thinking about it. H, please don’t be mad about this when you bring home your college boyfriend for the first time and we decide it’d be fun to show him the video… Scoll to 0:45 seconds for the best part.

The alarm goes off at 5am. My husband wakes with a gentle kiss on my forehead gently saying “give me five more minutes…” Like that’s up to me?!

5:05 am “are you going running today?” “No, Roxanne and I are walking..” because clearly I can’t walk and run on the same days…

In a conversation last week: “You get up at 5?!” “Yes! It’s my ‘me time!’ I know the girls will be sleeping for another couple of hours and I can do my own thing…completely uninterrupted.” Seriously. Who else does this? Because I don’t think I’ll ever go back. This is my real life and to be honest, I’m loving it. Conveniently leaving out the fact that all last week I chose to use the time laying in bed perusing the internet like a high school kid for funny gifs; perusing the internet like some instagram influencer looking for content to share when… wait…what’s that? I have two four months old?! Honey, you’ve got PLENTY of content….

So here we go.

The girls’ alarm goes off at 7:30 am. We are strict to our wake up time… even on the weekends. When people look at me like I’m crazy, I simply say, “Listen, it’s for my sanity..” Most days I walk into the girls’ room to find my Elsie munching on her fingers and Hannah still out like a light. She’s a really, REALLY good sleeper, a deep sleeper, also the happiest morning person I ever did see. And Elsie… oh, my sweet girl… she’s not. Where did she inherit the hangriness from?? We really have no idea!! Do you sense the sarcasm here?! It’s me. She gets it from me.

Our mornings though relaxed and intimate are weaved together through rigid routine. Routine that so easily can overlook the details of who my girls have already become and who they are becoming… like, when DID Elsie become such a hangry little girl…? I don’t know! Frankly, life with twins is too much of a blur to even try to remember. And Hannah, when did she start smacking her lips after every.single. finished bottle? I can’t remember! also p.s. We formula feed. Stop asking me about my boobs.

I joined a photography class last month to find some new creativity… Yes, I’m already a photographer. Yes, I needed creative insight. I like to look at it as continuing ed. “Take your ordinary mornings and turn them into art…When you look back on your photos of your kids, don’t miss the details of the bottle from the middle of the night sitting on your nightstand or the dirty burp cloth laying on the floor….” I took it and ran with it. It’s all in the details. Hannah’s eyelashes that I envy. Elsie’s finger toes that are just another piece of her Daddy. Their need to hold each other. Those morning stretches.

Adding to my list of questions to ask God when I die– “Why did You make the first year of motherhood such a blur?” However, I’m so thankful for Him giving us all the details that connect the dots between every gap of my blur…

…slowly bringing our treasured, intimate mornings into focus.

Who else was 150% nervous to cut those itty bitty fingernails? We made it to three months before I needed to. Currently at 4.5 months and I stand here proudly to say, NO CUTS YET! ….and, they let me do it while they are awake!

that golden skin has me mesmerized. the rolls. my sweet, healthy girl. Thank you, Jesus.

tongue discovery….

and baby yawns…

that pillow. a blog post in itself.

the little sausage fingers…

the “mommy, I need food NOW face” with hand gestures…

the calm and patient sister.

she’s actually a very calming sister. Details: Elsie calms when she sees Hannah or touches her… most times.

the lips. Elsie started babbling before Hannah… I want to say around this time… 3 months ish…

her constant milk-coma face…

the background noise of a rattle.

perspective of their giant world…

and my desire to keep the magic of their innocence alive forever.

their unyielding quest to find each other…

and EYELASHES.

the empties… they’re everywhere. bottles everywhere, in the home that I swore would never look like a daycare. Wouldn’t trade it for anything…most times.

I may be a month late, but I did it. I never wanted to be a mom that did what everyone else was doing, laying their sweet bottoms on those big number mats. I wanted to be different. I always want to be different. It just took me a little while to figure out how to do so. But I’ve found, it’s all in the details.

So I’ll continue…

3 months old and surviving their first colds.

Elsie and her phase of crying her way into our bed in the early morning hours. Hannah not complaining.. not even once.

and bubbles + that dried booger little nose.

a stuffy nose kind of snore.

and her stretches. LORD HELP ME when I look back on this in ten years grieving my babies and that precious stretch ritual of Hannah’s. OH BLESS!

My girls are growing too fast… My heart is yearning for my pregnancy; for the anticipation of these days that were so long and coming. My heart, craving those little five pounders and their squeeky cries… but oh how I am loving each stage more than the last…

and so I’ll hang to these details. The crib and that little Ellie.

our books and all things baby.

and especially the messes and left behind traces of their presence that has overtaken my entire world.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I’m in the midst of self-pity and disappointment—I’m just in this quest of a new self-discovery that goes something like “Nicole—the MOM?”  Don’t get me wrong as if I’m not loving every moment of this.. the moments where it’s become completely acceptable to place my face against another human’s butt, or the little white lies I communicated to my husband as I laid motionless in bed so convincingly pretending to be asleep just waiting to see if he heard the girls so that HE’D be the one to get them so that at some point that “white lie” would really be a definitive truth because this new me is working a 24-7 job with no rest for the weary and mama needs her sleep.  Holy run-on sentence!!

Last week, Elsie went through a “I-don’t-want-to-sleep-through-the-night-anymore-I-just-want-you-to-come-play-with-me-and-make-me-laugh” 2 a.m. phase. I swore I could hear my super sweet husband say “SHUT UP!!!” WE ALL KNOW he would NEVER do, but that sleep deprivation does some horrible things to the mind… still the experience forced us to have a heart to heart acknowledging once again that “the days are long and the years are short,” conveniently followed behind by a much needed and reiterated message at church that Sunday about the blessings we’re called to give to our children. 

…Somewhere in the midst of all THIS, I became the more patient one.  The one that CALMLY whispered to my husband… and by whispered I definitely don’t mean “whisper-yell”.. but an actual, kind, whisper… “Let’s be proud of her.  She’s talking!  She’s making coos into laughter!  And don’t you want to be the parent that celebrates her victories long before scoring her first soccer goal and dominating the writing section of her SAT?  Don’t you want to tell her we’re proud of her, before she knows what ‘I’m proud of you’ even means?

Behold friends: I’m self-loving the fact that I can now use my words.

Mom and I were at the mall on Tuesday with the girls screaming in the stroller.  I rolled up a blanket and propped a bottle for Hannah to which she willingly took.  I tried to do the same for Elsie—big surprise…in that tiny little body of hers is a much, MUCH larger personality that told me, “No, Mommy!  I want you to hold me instead.”  With one hand, I paid the guy at H&M.  With my other hand, I held a bottle and my wiggly girl against my hip.  My knee caught the bottle slipping off of Hannah, and somehow my other foot kept me balanced.  THIS is why God made women to be mothers.  And I suppose, THIS is why God chose me to be a twin mom.

Last month, my sister-friend (and mother of three) came to meet the girls.  My mom in her very “Mary-esque” way talked around me, yet in front of me… “unintentionally” mocking my unending devotion to Baby Wise not yet understanding that the whole idea of a predictable schedule that ensured sleeping through the night by 8-weeks and “happy” babies was blessing my sleep-deprived, half-way functioning, searching-for-sanity, person.  Like any other irrational person who had not yet learned to “use their words” I reacted in my only-child-like self with tears defensively yelling saying, “Mom- can you just tell me one thing, ONE THING that I AM doing right as a new mom?  I question myself every day and the least you could do is affirm me instead of sitting there talking around me…”

I felt badly later for reacting that way.. especially in front of Jess… Lord knows she saw much worse in my teenage days, but I was seriously hurt.  I try and make it a point to apologize to my mom (and I especially want my girls to grow up knowing that apologies are always a non-negotiable in seeking forgiveness—and especially in knowing how to show respect to your mother…) …only this time, it took me awhile.  I eventually did apologize, but I think God was working through not only my own self-discovery, but mom’s as well.  Behold, she’s now mothering me while grand-mothering too.  News flash- I’m not just any new mom, but her daughter… and I need her blessing, not a recounted story of “well when I was a new mom…”

After the survival of “World War Three” aka “I need to eat now or I will kill you with my WWE grip” at H&M, we sat down to finish feeding the girls.  I know not every new mom is lucky enough to have theirs with her for every second of this new self-discovery, and so in this moment, I really hoped and prayed that she would give me some sort of lesson turned blessing… “Mom, I know I’m not supposed to have favorites, but I think I’m more drawn to Hannah and that Elsie’s neediness is pushing me away…” Seriously, could I have been anymore real in that moment?!  Who knows me better than my mom (which by the way, I totally get now..)

“You don’t have favorites!  You saying this… you’re fearful.  You know that Elsie demands more attention and as her mom you have to give it to her.  But Hannah, you love the fact that she just snuggles up to you and does everything she’s supposed to be doing. You’re fearful that she’s not getting the same attention and so you try and make up for it in ways that appear as though she is your favorite…” Hold up!  Who is the one with that masters degree in counseling?  “You love them equally and I know you do because I see how you are with both of them. You don’t meet Elsie’s needs more than you do Hannah!  You meet them equally—and I don’t know how you do it, because there are two of them… at the same time.  Some women have problems doing it all with just one…”

Behold friends: I’m self-loving through this affirmation from my mom.  I’m telling myself that I’m doing a good job… if I’ve amazed my mom at the job I’m doing, I’ve made it. I’m doing okay and I’ve actually made it…

Our time was cut short by some mall spectators: “Are they twins? My wife said they weren’t but I knew they had to be… because they’re the same size and all… A girl and a boy?”  THEY WERE WEARING PINK!!!!!

Behold friends: I made it another day without laughing in a strangers face when answering the obvious questions.  Friends: let this be your lesson, do not approach a twin mom and say, “are they twins?!” I can’t tell you why, but just don’t.  While we’re at it, here’s a second forbidden comment, “My sons are fifteen months apart- it was like having twins…” No. No it wasn’t. No, actually, it’s not.  NOT AT ALL.  I can’t make promises but I don’t think I’d be able to stop the human in me from setting truth straight… I’ll go on and on about that in another post (someday). Mom says I’m doing okay though- apparently I’m more patient than I’ve ever been and maybe the something that I’ve always hated about myself… the impatient me, is loving this new “patient” me.

We sat in her living room later that evening, I think “hot-mess” is an understatement…at least that’s how I felt.  I got up, very tiredly, (surprise! … to go rock Elsie) and she said, “You know… I’m pleasantly surprised.  You’re doing more with these girls than I ever thought you could.  Your rigid-scheduling is paying off! I was worried about you…with your anxiety, but you’re hitting motherhood out of the park.”  If you don’t hear something like that from your own mother, come hear it from mine.  Us new moms and maybe even seasoned moms, we need that!!

I heeded her words with each sway back and forth as my first-born daughter nestled her head where collarbone meets neck listening to her pitiful, needy, cries.  I looked over where I saw my second-born staring at me with those big lonely eyes…

Hannah- I’m fearful that you will think I’ve loved Elsie more in this season. 

Elsie- I’m fearful that I let you cry-it-out for too long so that I can hold your sister every bit as long as I hold you if not more. 

I’m fearful that I’m giving you girls complexes about who is the favorite.  Complexes about being too needy or too compliant; about what is “right.”

Behold friends: I’m self-loving the fact that I’m a mom with fears.  What kind of mother would I be without them.  I’m holding these fears anxious-lessly with dreams of the mother I’m becoming.  Where IS that anxiety that followed me like an ugly nagging shadow for so many years?  Not that I’m inviting her back or anything…

This time last year, we received the heart-breaking news that our first embryo transfer had failed.  I didn’t have an anxiety attack as we all expected, I guess that was God saving me… again. This year, I’m counting down the days until next year when we will start the embryo transfer process again…anxious-lessly. Currently, I’m self-discovering and self-loving the fact that this life is better than I deserve… 

I have a friend who struggles badly with anxiety- specifically fears of infertility or the complete opposite of infertility.  Girl- I said it to you privately, but I want to say it here too for everyone else that needs to hear it; there is not one part of me that would trade any of it—or even any of THIS because of the way God has beckoned me on my knees to know Him more, to love Him more, and to love ME a little more too.

Self-love is a beautiful thing that I never knew before these long days.  It’s become my friend, and my real source of sanity (though Baby Wise is still a close second).  It’s not about the spa day (though thanks, Trey.. I do want to redeem that ASAP).  It’s not the quiet hours coveted within those sleepy eyes and gentle snores.  It’s the small victories, the teeny blessings that say, “Mama- you’re doing an okay job.”

Behold friends: I’m self-loving the fact that I’m doing okay.

I’m loving the burps that smell of formula and the poops that beckon baths. I’m loving the quivering lip after the one month shots and the way I’m learning the magic of God’s creation in the thoughtless way that my chest has the fascinating ability to calm. The toes that look like bubbles and those microscopic nails that are razor sharp, all part of these moments teaching me of a love that will never stop growing.

BUT… goodness gracious, we’re six weeks in and already I’ve completely failed at the “mommy blogger” job description. And Friends, I was on a roll in the behind the scenes; writing love letters to my girls all through my pregnancy, but with the stage lights on– I’m sorry, but I totally missed the mark. Six weeks and the mom guilt has hit (honestly, it hit six hours in). The first six weeks. Gone. Trey has a total of nine photos of me and the girls on his phone. NINE. And our camera, mmmm… I think maybe seven. I’m literally shaking my head at myself with tears streaming down my cheeks just thinking about it. That sentence that I use in every conversation with a potential client: “photography is an investment…” I’ve never believed this more than I do now.

Girls. I’m sorry. It’s not that the camera sat idol, really. It’s that your mom is tired and your dad works far away and your grandma has such small hands that her fingers don’t reach to adjust the settings for a simple focus. It’s hard to tell a photographer that photos don’t matter, but for me, they’re not just “a” but “the” screenplay to my every memory. You are six weeks old and if I don’t start now I fear I’ll forget it all…the smells, the sounds, the looks… and I just can’t bear the thought of that. Let’s decide to start here.

—

So… six weeks. Here you go.

This week, your cousin Adelie turned SEVEN! She’s the one who birthed all these mama-wanna feelings and daydreams of the day that I would hold you. I held her on my chest only minutes old the same way I’m told that I held you (if you’re reading this and wondering what that’s all about– it’s coming in a later post recapping our birth story that Trey will need to help write). What’s so amazing is that I watched her hold you today, and that smile she had as she fell completely in love with you is identical to the one that I had when I fell completely in love with her.

And your cousin Amari was dreaming of this day– the day she could finally hold you! She cried at the hospital when she was told she wasn’t allowed to hold you. Girls- she is a natural and you are going to love her and look up to her like you won’t with anyone else. What a gift to your dad and I to have such a gorgeous, strong, young woman as a role model for you both. Also, we’ve never met anyone more eager to change a diaper… and you were her firsts!!

Brayden! He LOVES holding you… like LOVES. He played with you today, but just as the past six weeks have coveted so many wonderful photographic moments, we missed the way he was holding your little lion in front of you and shaking that black and white rattle next to your ears. You are so, SO loved!

Your daddy was the world’s best uncle for a long time before he became the world’s best daddy but I’m so glad to see that he’s keeping up with his former title. No one will ever make you laugh as hard as he will… and if you find someone who does, marry him because our life would be nothing with out the smiles he brings to us on these very long days.

It was the first birthday party you attended. Adelie will show you how to party hard; how to be the happiest kid on earth, and how to bling like no one else will ever bling.

Did I mention yet that your cousin Amari is THE BEST?! Also, we’ve never met anyone more eager to change a diaper… and you were her firsts!!

Hannah Hope, don’t let this photo fool you… or any of the others where you are awake. This week you slept A LOT with really short spans of “awake” time… and I can almost guarantee you that seconds after this photo was taken you started screaming “feed me, feed me” in baby language.

Elsie Love, we will cherish this photo reminding us that your reflux didn’t last forever no matter how long the previous nights seemed to have lasted. You’re finally sleeping… and best of all, finally holding your food down!

Your fifth week ended so beautifully on this chilly spring day. Your Auntie Risa and Uncle Andy love you so greatly and so deeply and cherished this time with you. Just so you know, they helped raise me and unknowingly taught me a lot about parenting in their own days as new parents. They’re a lot of fun just in case you couldn’t tell…

and back to your daddy, the captain of our team….

In all of our prayers for you, I never thought to pray for our marriage. I prayed a lot that we would have a marriage that would model what true love is for you girls…but I never stopped to pray for the transition that would come once you became a part of our lives. We’ve been watching you grow (photo-lessly) for the last six weeks, but in the process have missed how we’ve grown in this time too. I’ll write about that later too…

For now, these are the things that come to mind that I want you to know and that I need to remember:

Your smiles are kind. And you are loved so much more than we ever could have imagined. You’ve had literally over one hundred people come to visit and meet you… and you’re only 42 days old. YOU ARE LOVED! YOU ARE SO, SO LOVED.

Hannah- you giggle when we hold you, and we always use it as an opportunity to teach you about your grandpa. We say “Is your grandpa talking to you?” “Did grandpa tickle your toes?” And that smile, my goodness it tells us of your kind heart. Kind, just like your dad. I look at you and all I see is kindness. I was feeding you last night and I even told your dad, “I bet when she’s in high school, kids will talk about how kind she is.” Your belly tells me you’re already a foodie like me and the way you eat your food with those grunts and gentle hums tell me you’re planning on bringing them with you to every Thanksgiving meal making your Uncle Tav and I so very proud. This week you weighed somewhere around seven pounds (so did Elsie) therefore it was time that I moved you out of your preemie clothes into those newborns that seemed so huge just one month ago. I cried. You are an amazing sleeper and Dad says you’re such a good cuddler– the way you fall so flawlessly into his arms has you wrapping him around those tiny little fingers more and more each day.

Elsie- you’re reflux is finally getting better! FINALLY! The hours of rest we’ve lost watching you sleep have been so worth it allowing me to write the memories of each and every one of your breaths so tenderly into my heart. You love to pull my hair and I’ve never known a baby to wiggle as much as you do. We call you and your sister our little toot fairies and just so you know, your dad loves it because now he has someone to blame when the stink is a little too much to handle. You are so alert. You love music, like LOVE it and it’s just a reminder that your grandpa was just as much a part of gifting you to us as God was. You have such long fingers and I’m already dreaming of hearing you play the piano in our foyer before family dinners… (the imaginary piano that someday will become real). OH! And you LOVE baths, so does Hannah, but when you get a bath, it’s seriously like you need a bathrobe and cucumbers on those precious eyes like a day at Elizabeth Arden.

Girls! Your fur-sisters are so protective of you laying by your side whenever they have the opportunity. And did I mention how very loved you are??

I noticed this week that my back hurts really bad. And come to think of it, your dad has been complaining of his hurting too. My posture sucked before. But now, it REALLY sucks. And with the chronic neck and back ache, the eyes that burn in exhaustion, I wouldn’t trade them for anything because looking down into your darling faces is something that I never thought I’d get to do…ever. Speaking of your faces, can we talk about the feelings that rush through me when I look down and see Dad looking back at me? Or me… looking at me…. it’s so surreal. And just like every other thing Hannah and Elsie, I love it!

This was our second week going to church. We actually would have been there on time if I hadn’t forgotten to turn off my hair straightener. I used to worship with you in my tummy, promising God that no matter the circumstance, I would always give you to Him. Worshiping Him with you in my arms is so much better as I get to fulfill my promise to God. We love to pray with you in our laps; your Dad even holds your hands while doing so. How I long to hear your voices praising God…. but I can wait… after all… you’re only six weeks old…

—

Since my husband AND my mother don’t use my camera as often as I’d like, I think maybe I’ll need to recap with videos like this.

It started soon after we were married; planning trips to my “home” with a very puzzled and almost offensive (though not intended to be) question of “What?! Why would you ever want to go there?!” Every.Single.Time.  To be honest, I did get a little offended…and so last Christmas we made boarding passes as a token of the best vacation of 2018 that Mom and Dad Bressler would have.  This would surely put an end to any future questions she had….

Apparently these were unacceptable to TSA.  Thankfully, we had a back up plan which included Southwest Airlines, a 2000 mile road trip, and an overnight visit in my home-aha.

We got to see sweet Sheree-ree… and these kids that helped build my mama-wanna heart.

Four hours later we were home, home.

I know they were nervous beyond all get out to spend a week with my people that they’ve only met for a total of maybe 5-10 hours collectively between wedding, funeral, and fun.  They were troopers (thanks to wine and that good old farm-fresh air).  Plus- our South Dakota people are the best– truly the best people I’ve ever known and probably will ever get to know.

Mama B put on her boots and she was ready for chores.

It’d been a long time since mom got out for chores… but this picture means about a million things to me–most importantly Dad’s smile and pride seeing her and all that she’s accomplished in this almost one year without him.  His presence is so overwhelming whenever we are home– you’d have to be there to believe it, but I think it’s the legacy that he left behind and the pride people have in knowing they were such a huge part of his life.

We’re so blessed that our babies get three grandmas (not to mention all the church nana’s in VA)… This is my South Dakota mom, she taught me everything my mom and dad didn’t, and she also got to be there when we told mom about our twins.  Something I will forever be grateful for because like I told her then, “with her there, it was like Dad was there too.”  And Murray (though I don’t have a picture of him–what’s wrong with me?!), he is going to do the most amazing job being my Dad’s love to our kids.  It’s something I still struggle with, but also something I know Murray will go above and beyond for.  He grandpas so, so well.  And what a gift that our babies will know that so closely….

Back to the cows.  Mom was thinking about Dad here… I can just tell.  I miss him too, Mom.  We all do…

If Mama B was scared, she sure never let on.  It must have been the chore-cap…and some homemade wine.

If you know my mom, you know she’s always been fearless…something that only escalated in our time in Letcher.  Clearly, she’s still got it.

Would you believe Audrey even collected eggs?! I don’t even collect eggs!

I swear she only did it for the green eggs.  Dr. Seuss knew about the green eggs…. and here you thought it was fiction!  The things you learn on the farm…

I wish I could have been in two places at once to grab photos of Papa shooting guns.  Instead I got the aftermath.

Thankfully the sore arm didn’t keep him down long and he was able to join us for morning chores the next day.

That’s Avi-girl.  She’s my buddy.

Together, they completed their boarding pass tasks one by one making this a trip they’d never forget–and it was only the second day.

p.s. when I see pictures of myself here, I like to think I look 20 times better (even with bad hair) because I’m home.

Day two was long, but such a fun filled day…Chores, lunch with my mom’s dear friends at the colony (no pics though), and….You know Wells Fargo and those wagons on the checks?  My pseudo-uncle builds those… and the Budweiser ones too.   And even wagons that have been in movies– Quinten Tarintino anyone?  He gave them a private tour.  I wish I could have recorded John’s response when we got back in the van.  “I knew it’d be cool, but that.was.AWESOME!” It made me so, soooo happy to see them loving it all!

That’s my Aunt Dvonne and just about the strongest woman you’ll ever meet.  If you didn’t know it… our ties to this place, she’s it.  Her husband and my dad grew up together.  Then they lost touch and found each other years later when stationed in Korea.  Dad was an officer but Uncle Dick wasn’t so Dad would take off his patches and fraternize when he wasn’t supposed to.  What a rule breaker!  Still, I’m so glad he did because without their story, we never would get to call these people ours, nor would we be theirs.

Trey is in total dad mode… I mean he has been all along, but if you didn’t know it before, he’s a total kid magnet.  They just run to him.  And that my friends, is the father of my babies.

She never lets me take pictures of her, but I love these because they’re telling her story– her love for history, and the way that she so interestingly “hoards” knowing each chronicle behind every piece.  p.s. there are A LOT of pieces.  She collects and restores saddles.  You know when you get whiffs of smells and they take you back?  That’s me and leather and her.  I call it the smell of my childhood.

I fall in love with Trey more and more whenever I visit this place.  They embraced him even before my Virginia family did and I think it’s because as much as the real me comes out here, even more of the real him comes out here.

Maybe it’s Jess and the sisterhood that was built through pictures and letters that our parents sent on our behalf before we could really even write.  I still have every single letter…almost 30 years later.  Also- these reverse outfits were completely unplanned… and sometimes we text each other only to find that me here and her there are still wearing the same thing.  Can you say that about your best friend?

Mom and Cindy have the same sisterhood…

Our long and super fun day 2 concluded at Catfish Cove for a family picnic… where once again, the kids were running Trey’s way.  Vinn is expecting a little sister in December.. only a couple months before our babies arrive.  The visions of them growing up together the same way that I grew up with his dad and his aunts and his uncles… God contain me– what a beautiful and divine plan.

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Day 3.  Another road trip.  Our family is in Letcher… about 4 hours from the Black Hills.  So there we went.  Mom stayed with Cindy, so it was Bresslers x 4.

We started our sight seeing in Chamberlain to see Dignity– a symbol to honor the Lakota and Dakota people and their culture.

We continued to the jaw dropping Badlands.  I have dreams about this place… me, my film camera, a dark room and ahhh I could get lost.

It was colder than expected… also the babies were bigger than expected…  I was about 11 weeks here and already my jacket didn’t close!

Trey had never been this far west in South Dakota and so for him to experience this beauty with his parents was a gift not just for them but to me too.  My Dad was so proud to call this state his home… and for years, I fought claiming a home.. period.  I’m so glad that in the end, I found that it’s here too.

Can you tell how proud I am now?

Thank goodness Mom bought me this vest before we left.  I thank God a lot for making me pregnant during the fall and winter because EVERYONE and their mother know I hate the summer… However… I was still freezing.  Plus, I was fighting the “fat(ter) or pregnant stage” and the fact that I needed a special vest, made the whole idea of bearing two little lives all the more real.  Hence, my first public bump hope photo.

We left the bombers in the photo because they have two sets of twins in their family.  It only seemed fitting that the’d be a part of it.

Day 4 we hiked at Sylvan Lake.  I remember visiting this place with my mom when I was in high school and forever wanted to go back.  Audrey climbed rocks!!  Every corner we turned was another “oh wow!” and I couldn’t be happier if I tried.  I think my jar was hurting really badly…part of it was from laughing when Audrey said “Dad, watch out, don’t fall off the rock.” He wasn’t even close.

Probably THE reason, Sylvan lake will be tattooed in my heart for life.  Someday we’ll bring the kids to this same spot and do another picture of the days that God answered, big.

So truly, madly, deeply, in love with the one God made for me.  Beyond question, we’re living the best days of our lives in this vacation.

And to top it off– we even visited a winery… and transported about 30 bottles back home.  Also- the tasting experience was torture for me.. especially with the sign in front of me that said “If you’re pregnant, you should NOT be tasting.” Thank goodness for the super sense of smell……

On our way to our goodbye dinner, we made a quick stop at the World’s Only Corn Palace.  When my dad was in high school, he used to help “build” the mural on the outside of the building.  To think, it’s been 75-ish years since then….

Like I said though, when I’m there, his presence is so overwhelming…one of the many reasons why I couldn’t think of a better time or place to share what came next…. Here you go Moms the moment we make it all public and you are officially able to talk about it.

A little back story.  I had chromosomal/prenatal genetic testing a few days before we left on our super long road trip.  We went back and forth trying to decide if we should even do the testing at all, but in the end did feeling that we would be as prepared as we possibly could.  The test is not diagnostic, but instead let us know if our babies were at risk for any genetic abnormalities by examining chromosomes… MEANING the cool and super smart scientists would also be able to tell us the genders of our babies.  We hoped, but didn’t actually think we’d find out while we were still in South Dakota, but we did!  Another anxious thought put entirely to rest– thank you, God!

Around 6:30 a.m. (MST), 8:30 (EST), we got a call from our mid-wife revealing that our babies are at low risk for any abnormality… also revealing the genders of each one.  Immediately after, we texted Leah (who now lives in my “childhood” home with her sweet family) and asked if we could use the goodbye gathering to share our exciting news.  We called Jessica and asked her to set up a gender reveal and completely left it in their hands… and they did an amazing job!

Moving around a lot as a kid, I don’t think I ever thought I’d get to share this kind of news at my home… but I did.  And who knew that I needed that.  My dad built that home with his two bare hands and brilliant mind.  We had the view that I grew up with as the backdrop.  And as you’ll hear Trey say in the video “This has been Nicole’s home.. you guys are truly her family…” And they were right there with me..and so was my Dad.  And it was so perfect.

We couldn’t have set it up better if we tried.  We were driving back from the hills and I said “Well Audrey… the only thing you haven’t done is shot a gun…” “Eh…. that’s okay.  I saw John’s arm… I don’t need to do that.” She replied.

“I bet my mom will do it with you…”

“Well… if your mom does it, I’ll do it.”

So Leah and Jess set up targets for them to “warm up.”  The bad news is… there was no warming that was happening and 30 minutes later we decided they needed bigger targets.  When Jessica brought out the bigger targets, they had no idea that the balloons were secret revealers…

People kept asking us what we thought… Trey had been convinced for weeks leading up to this moment that we were having two girls.  To start, I was convinced too… but then was really discouraged when Audrey kept telling me to get it out of my head because “Bressler’s don’t have girls.”  I changed my prediction to one boy…and if I was lucky enough, maybe a girl.

Here you go…

Every time I watch it back I think I probably should have buried my sass a little bit… but it makes for a better video, right?

Mom shot next… and here you go….

That morning at breakfast, I told Audrey I had a dream the night before that we were having girls… after our transfer, I had another dream about my dad where he was telling me were were having girls.  2 dreams I told her about and her response was “Well then… I won’t tell you about the dreams I’ve been having.”  I hope I didn’t rub it in too much…

Even still, the best part of having girls is this:

I’ve learned that grandmas with only grandsons live in denial of ever having grandDAUGHTERS… and this video says it all….  so does this.  The ugly cry that’s the most beautiful ugly cry we’ve ever seen.

God’s giving her some granddaughters!  disclaimer: our nephews are still the best nephews ever…

Our even greater joy yet… PINK!

Cindy summed it up best while hugging us… “You knew didn’t you??  In your heart?!”  Yes we did.

A close second was Papa saying “You may save on clothes, but two weddings in your future….”

Mom kept the confetti as a momento… hah!  I so wished all day that she could share this moment with Dad… and she got to.  Thank you, God (and Mike and Leah) for letting them have that moment here, together.

and my Trey– his “harem” grows.  That’s what my dad called mom and all her sisters and nieces…I told Trey that if God let Dad have any part in this, that it was because Dad knew if anyone could live that “harem” duty the way he did, it’d be Trey.  It’s an honor, really…..

So there you have it- the best ending to the best vacation.

Peace and love friends,

Trey, Nicole, Girl #1, and Girl #2.

These are the days of our best life yet.  I was talking to our friend a few weeks ago about how parenthood can sometimes be like marriage.  I wouldn’t know because I’m not entirely there yet.. but the parts that stretch us further than we ever thought we could be stretched… the patience that tries to sink us deeper than we can swim, the triumphs that make us prouder but not until we’re on the other side… all part of these glory days that God has ordained in the midst of His great creation.  And so again, that’s why I say we’re living out best lives yet.  That- and we are currently somewhere in the middle of Nebraska and Virginia completing a 10-day road trip across my HOME.  side note but only because I know he’ll say something otherwise-Trey is quick to remind me that he is my home… but to be honest, I don’t actually feel that as strongly as he does UNLESS, we’re in my “home” with the rest of my family… in Letcher.  I’ll write more about that soon.. believe me, I’ve got TONS of pictures to share but for now just this other one in the story of

when marriage meets parenthood…

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I have spent months, chatting up with so many of you lovely people.  Not just the routine “hi’s” but intimate conversations that have allowed me vulnerability and every time we hear words like “Your story [fill in the blank]” our hearts do some sort of humble yet glorious dance in thanks that God chose us for this journey.  I used to read this verse in James about pure joy in the midst of trials, and laugh.  That was until you all.

I think this is where my friend would compare parenthood to marriage; the way that things just suck so badly, you have no choice but to laugh (and find the joy somewhere in between)!  Track with me- it’s like sharpie marker on a white sofa that you know you’ll never be able to remove or get out but you know you have to keep the joy because Jojo is still your kid, and gee golly she’s cute!  For us, it’s this infertility that tests your our patience for a bigger plan as we sit buried in question after question, doubt after doubt hoping at some point we’ll come out of our own “white sofa” but still keeping the joy because we KNOW there IS a bigger plan.

It’s the disappointments and “oh no’s” where all you can do is laugh!  And this we know well.  In a moment of insensitivity and guardedness, I snapped at Trey a week after our last transfer.  “Trey- why did you pray for our babies… you know if they didn’t actually implant, they’re dead by now.”  I laughed, but the patience and joy of marriage (much like I assume we’ll come to know in parenthood) superseded as my terrific and VERY understanding husband hid his hurt feelings in some welled up tears and placed his faith and hope a little deeper in our God because at the time I couldn’t.  Thank you God for Trey!  And here we are, 11 weeks later.  And thank God because I’ve found my joy again.  11 weeks and 5 days later.

Almost 12 weeks.  In case you’re wondering that’s somewhere around 75 of my big-butt-shots, 2 pregnancy tests (because clearly the first one couldn’t be right), 3 blood tests (just to make sure), 1 really awful night of what “they” call “morning” sickness (whoever “they” might be… “they” are wrong, by the way), and 4 ultrasounds and 1 really cool chromosomal test (more on that later).  ALLLLL to find out that after 2.5 years of infertility, the best way God could ever teach us about that “joy in the midst of trials” stuff I was just talking about, would be to entrust us with twins.

Behold you guys!  The Happily Ever Bresslers are adding TWO to their nest.  TWO!  Do you think that’s one for each year of infertility?  Or just double the blessings because of my husband’s noteworthy and very joyous faith that carried us out of that low valley of sharpie markers on white sofas?  God really did hear us (AND YOU), and now, we’re having twins! (p.s. in case you were wondering why I look a little larger than 11 weeks and 5 days, it’s because TWINS)

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I told my brother first.  Though we hardly talk any more, I feel stupidly connected to his sensitive side that in my mind brings me closer to my dad.  And then I told my sister-cousin– the one who paved a way for me when I had no idea I’d ever need it.  I texted my cousin who walks a parallel heartache, and along with her all the special people we’ve met along the way who are still walking their own heartaches and desires with a bravery that only we “get to” know.

BTW- my in-laws, and my mom, and my south dakota-mom all found out when we did.  The conversation went like this “Well, the doctor heard a strong and healthy heartbeat….” (insert screams and tears) “…and then she heard a second!” (insert louder screams and tears).  This all might sound familiar to you because it’s also how we told each one of you that has prayed on our behalf, reached out with sincerity and truly believed when we couldn’t, that our day would come.

We’ve been amazed at all our friends who have unknowingly said the same thing, “OH MY GOSH, I have goosebumps and I’m crying!” LIKE- for us!  What have we done to ever be so deserving of your love and support.

But there will be miracles.  There are miracles.

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There’s a passage in Scripture that for forever– like since I was 15 that I’ve read and reread, and reread again with such amazement at the power of God within… and I need to share it with you.  Mary is newly pregnant with Jesus and she goes to visit her sister Elizabeth (also pregnant). At the sound of Mary’s voice Elizabeth’s baby leapt in her womb; and she (Elizabeth) was filled with the Holy Spirit (Luke 1:39-55).

I get it now.  I totally get it.  We sat at our last ultrasound, tears of joy streaming down our faces as we watched our children “leap” in my womb.  Their little arms and butts wiggling like dancers, and I could FEEL God’s power within me telling me that I’ve been healed.

Maybe this passage had been preparing me for that ultrasound day all along…?  Because somehow it came so naturally and I did what Mary did; I prayed a silent but VERY JOYOUS prayer that sounded so much like hers in that moment with her sister.

My soul magnifies the Lord and my spirit has rejoiced in God my Savior.  For He who is mighty has done great things for me, and holy is His name.

There will be miracles, and here is ours that we’ve found in the joy when our own marriage met parenthood.

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There is so much more I want to say.  So much to fill in the gaps that I know so many of you are begging to know.  And I promise I will in time.  Trey wanted to wait to post this as long as we could which I completely understand.  And for those of you (THERE ARE A LOT) who have kept it a social media secret, we are so grateful!  We’ve tried so hard to be respectful to those that are in their own “sharpie on a white couch” moments.  I said earlier on as we’ve publicized our infertility journey that I would only share here to be sensitive to A LOT of people we knew before and that we know now because of our choice to be open… but I also know that in our quest to be personal we can’t possibly be 100% successful, so please, a gentle, subtle reminder to only comment here (and also if you want to know more, be sure to subscribe).  Please don’t be surprised if I delete your comment from my Facebook post.

We love you all!  We are thankful for you ALL!  AND we love these sweet and very healthy miracles.