…I searched my mind in that moment to find all the most encouraging answers; ones that would propel he to keep walking in good faith no matter how deep the obsta…blah blah blah…

Then I “liked” the post instead.

This morning I had a crazy bad dream.  Something about one of my biggest regrets while Obama was in office… not sending him a wedding invitation so we could get a congratulatory piece of paper signed by him and Michelle.  No matter political affiliation—it’d still be pretty cool to have.  I digress.  The stupid dream woke me up at 4am.  FOUR. FRICKIN’. A. M.

Naturally I woke up Trey.  Naturally.

“I had a bad dream that you left me because President Obama wanted to be friends with me…”

“Not gonna happen…” {rolled over and started snoring}

Was he talking about leaving me… or me becoming BFF with Mr. Obama.  {insert my shrugs and squints}.  Either way, I think I could handle the outcome.

So I laid there going through a thousand to-do’s in my head.  There’s a buzzfeed post circulating right now all about people and their lists.  Was that written for you?? {raises hand}

I have to pack.  Like, our house goes on the market in a month pack!  I have to market both biz’es.  ..and there’s the towels that have now been sitting in the washer for 2 days that are now, probably starting to smell like mildew.  And I’m behind in these posts.  Again.  And Sasha has this protruding, abscess that makes me cry if I think too much about it.  And it’s now 4:28 and maybe I should just fold the clean laundry that’s laying on the floor in front of the dryer.

…and Proverbs 31- why does she do it?

In case, you’re still sitting here reading and still wondering what Proverbs 31 is/says, let me enlighten you with this excerpt of the Spirit of Truth:

A good woman is hard to find, and worth far more than diamonds.
Her husband trusts her without reserve, and never has reason to regret it.
Never spiteful, she treats him generously all her life long.
She shops around for the best yarns and cottons, and enjoys knitting and sewing.
She’s like a trading ship that sails to faraway places and brings back exotic surprises.
She’s up before dawn, preparing breakfast for her family and organizing her day.
She looks over a field and buys it, then, with money she’s put aside, plants a garden.
First thing in the morning, she dresses for work, rolls up her sleeves, eager to get started.
She senses the worth of her work, is in no hurry to call it quits for the day.
She’s skilled in the crafts of home and hearth, diligent in homemaking.
She’s quick to assist anyone in need, reaches out to help the poor.
She doesn’t worry about her family when it snows; their winter clothes are all mended and ready to wear.
She makes her own clothing, and dresses in colorful linens and silks.
Her husband is greatly respected when he deliberates with the city fathers.
She designs gowns and sells them, brings the sweaters she knits to the dress shops.
Her clothes are well-made and elegant, and she always faces tomorrow with a smile.
When she speaks she has something worthwhile to say, and she always says it kindly.
She keeps an eye on everyone in her household, and keeps them all busy and productive.
Her children respect and bless her; her husband joins in with words of praise: “Many women have done wonderful things, but you’ve outclassed them all!”
Charm can mislead and beauty soon fades.
The woman to be admired and praised is the woman who lives in the Fear-of-God.
Give her everything she deserves!
Festoon her life with praises!

PROVERBS 31:10-31 (THE MESSAGE) emphasis mine

Just wondering, anyone else read that ticking such prideful accomplishments away like that checklist I was building in my mind at 4 am.

I had like, six, maybe seven on a good day.  Let’s be real, I know I should probably be humbler about it… but.  I’ve got SEVEN (since you know, today is probably the only day that I’m up before dawn… and actually, I’m probably not going to be making breakfast today because it’s an on-the-go kind of day).  SEVEN.  SIX AND A HALF.  And as someone who, just yesterday only counted three ticks, this matters.  {insert your cheering and applause} Thank you, thank you very much.

Listen, I was folding laundry at 4:31 A.M.  (while in my mind reciting and questioning the words that came to memory.  Convenient how they were these: “A good woman is hard to find…” and “The woman to be admired and praised is…”)

Before I get started with this—You.  Right there.  Yes, you.  You’re doing a great job.  That list you just made of Proverbs 31 “ticks,” throw it out.  I just ripped mine apart.

Because listen, I need the reminder daily that I’m ALREADY worth far more than diamonds.  Do you think there’s a reason the writer started with this?  Know your worth, dang it!  God made you and then He died for you.

This week, I’ve been overwhelmed.  I slammed dishes in the sink so that my Trey would know that I’m soooo over doing dishes this week.  Because clearly that’s a better way to communicate.

And last week, I didn’t make the bed one single day, because I waited to see if maybe he would.  Because clearly he can read my mind.

And yesterday, I worked for 9 straight hours on my business only to end the afternoon all melancholy and hung up because I didn’t complete any of my “diligent homemaking” duties that were on my list.  The dishes were still there, and the bed was unmade, so… why not?  There I went.  But dinner was calling, and Trey was wanting to introvert, and the nephews make us smile, and Lawdy my father-in-love was coming over and shoot if I didn’t hit the jackpot when I got my husband and John as my FIL!  …and does this doing-life thing ever take a break?!

Obvs, when I hit the pillow, I hit it hard.  …until 4.

And there I was, 4:31 a.m. folding laundry.  And sweet Robynn- this is why: “She senses the worth of her work!”

Look, we don’t get the recognition all the time, and we don’t need to keep track of it.  And when I say we—obviously, I’m talking only about “me.”  But God, the one who created us; He knows our hearts, and He knows that life isn’t easy!  His life sure as heck wasn’t, look how it ended… right?  But He also knows, what we’re doing, even if I am just scraping by… it’s worth something.

It’s so easy for me to go through this “list” pre-kids, wondering how in the world if I can’t do it all now, how I’ll be able to do it all then.  But what’s the point!?  No matter how hard you’re I’m striving to be this perfect woman (which by the way there is no perfect woman), the one who is praised at the end is the one who fears God; the one who respects His sacrifice for us.  Trust in His words.  We are worthy and our work has worth.

So… it’s now 6:24.  I folded our laundry, did some photog-ing stuff… and am left with this passage after all that contemplation and realization.

These words I speak to you are not incidental additions to your life, homeowner improvements to your standard of living.  They are foundational words, words to build a life on.  If you work these words into your life, you are like a smart carpenter who built his house on solid rock.  Rain poured down, the river flooded, a tornado hit—but nothing moved that house. It was fixed to the rock.

But if you just use my words in Bible studies and don’t work them into your life, you are like a stupid carpenter who built his house on the sandy beach. When a storm rolled in and the waves came up, it collapsed like a house of cards.

MATTHEW  7:24-27 (The Message) emphasis mine.

—

in case you missed it, we’re building our life in this new home currently under construction.

I guess it seems fitting to build it on these words, a solid rock.

I had a friend who did this, buried a bible in the foundation of her home.  When she did, I always told myself, I would someday do it too.  There’s something so unbelievably humbling about the experience.  Submitting all to Jesus.  We each took the Bible and wrote in it our prayers of thanksgiving and sovereignty for the future, our future in this home together.  And then we held hands and prayed, our voices echoing in the newly poured walls of home.

It amazes us from week to week how we see such change.  I spend days thinking that I’m never going to get “there” wherever that might be, while in these weeks that drift by transformation is occurring.  What a parallel, this from that!

I never thought I’d be so excited to tear down trees, breaking down nature like it’s mine.  ..hah! Oh the irony.

Every time we’d visit the home site, Trey would say “I just can’t see it… among these trees… where is the house going to go?!?!?!”  This was the moment he saw it.  He cried.  and then I did too.  and then we were one big sloppy mess.

In love all over again and beholding this life that doesn’t always seem like a gift… but is.

Yes.  This is the inevitable dark mood of this blogger.

That moment when you barf all over the back seat of your new friends car and are more embarrassed that you had chunks in your cowl neck sweater and mixxed into your sequence skirt than the fact that her car still smells of spinach and artichoke dip.  That moment when you really need a new black purse.  That moment when you MUST say good bye to the $58 wallet that no one ever knew the price of until now.  That moment when the last thing you needed to hear was Toby Keith.  And the rain keeps falling….  PERSONAL NOTE: someday, I truly believe I will be able to hear Toby Keith and Seal…and even Ray LaMontagne without a little piece of my heart shedding a sad tear in remembrance of blissful times…

Yes.  That will indeed contribute to the dark mood of a blogger.  me.

So to you out there in the blogosphere world that get fed on the words and wisdom and emotion of writing… feed on this.  *insert obnoxious and perhaps R-rated motion and language here.*

We’re all human.  And while yes, the past few weeks and even months have been so blissful, I feel like no- I am not super woman.  No I am not *always* me-the happy-go-lucky, spunky fashionista with cute, sparkly shoes and red lipstick.  Sometimes I’m real with a woman mind that wanders through memories and butterflies and frustrations and fear.  Sometimes, I’m in a mood… *cue today*  And honestly, I like having these sometimes moods where I can just be PISSED OFF!

You know what’s so funny though?  It’s that I like to laugh during said moods.  I like to state the obvious in my own little blunt and rude way…like it’s going to help make me feel better about my own bad day.  Though I hate bullies, I’m a little bit of one myself when the darkness seeps in..

For example:

Mom: Try not to make any noise, your dad is sleeping. 

Me: Oh, how nice…. at least someone is quiet for him…. *under breath…who was NOT up at 5.  and for a moment in time I forget that he’s in his 7th week of radiation at the ripe young age of 85..and it becomes all about me…

Ahhh, yes friends.  I can be a real bitch.  And sorry dad.  I know that really wasn’t nice of me at all.. and least of all respectful.  But that’s the human in me.  Not only am I sassy, I’m cheeky too.  And when I get mad, stay far, far away.  These blunt and rude words can cut deep.

Here are some more..and then I’m done.

Friends, because yes, if your my friends, you’ll still be after reading this, do NOT, I repeat do NOT play the “‘Woe is me’ card” through your facebook and twitter updates on a regular basis, at all for that matter yes, I find I am being hypocritical at this moment…but really I dare you to go through my posts and updates.  Minus this one, find one where I complain, just one.  Here’s why you won’t: While yes it is inevitable that we all are hit by these dark moods, move on.  Don’t get stuck there…You had a bad day…. aww so sad, so did the rest of the world, but guess what IT GOES ON.  Aww, you don’t believe in love because your relationship sucks, such a pity- don’t ruin it for those who still do…. and awww….you wore blue shoes instead of black?? emmm, not a good enough reason to use *FML* …. knock it off and quit being redonkulous.  You’re still blessed.  and so am I.  I get these moods, I do because here I am too.  Sometimes we do have those FML days–but get over it and move on.  GOOD NIGHT!  We don’t all get our naps when we need them most, but we do get blessed when we need the blessings least.  That’s called being humbled.  It’s called grace.  Maybe we should try reveling in it for a change…

mmkkk.  I feel better now.  and that inevitable human normality is finished, for now.  And the dark side is now being shined upon by warm weather and a sparkling green tea lemonade from my favorite writing place….and this boy in front of me is wearing flip flops and glasses and shorts… I’m pretty sure that was a half smile we just gave each other…

I’m pretty sure I’m still blessed when I least deserve it.  I’m pretty sure if I heard Toby Keith in the radio when I get back in my car, I’d scream.  I’m pretty sure if I get home and the noise is still too overwhelming to find the slightest bit of solitude, I’ll turn right back around and go to a hotel.  And I’m also pretty sure that in the midst of my tiny end of the world, those closest to me are at their wits end with their own darkness and apocalypses.  But guess what you obnoxious facebookers and tweeters and bloggers *ahem, me* we’re still blessed.  So I dare you, in the midst of your hissy fit over traffic that is brewing to stop and pass a half smile with a cute boy in flip flops.  I dare you to open your sunroof and be fed by the Son.  I dare you to face the inevitable return of goodness.  and behold Him.  Live blessed.

I’m out.

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Writing isn’t a hobby anymore. It’s not just my outlet for scattered thoughts and this endless voice.  It’s an opportunity for mission.  A “desire to inspire”.  It’s a passion with dedication.

As last year came to a close, I was so thankful for the past year’s posts and the satisfaction I still feel as I read through them seeing how God was so so invested in me.  And, as last year came to a close, I re-comitted to spending this year recording more investments, more successes, probably more failures, more smiles, more kisses (because that’s just too fun not to share), and of course, no surprise here, more love, every bit of my heart.

I gained a whole “latta enchilada” readers last year and I also lost a few when I played the “I’m getting married card.”  I’ve been humbled and I feel so honored that what once really were just scattered thoughts of this cruising heart turned into opportunities to meet new people, to reach old friends, and to inspire hope.  It was never intended to be a mission, but in God’s timing, it’s become more of a “commission.”

So, as I begin another year of His words in my heart, I decided I need to do more than just write.  I found that I needed to be inspired.  I’ve spent the last few weeks virtually meeting new friends in this crazy, awesome blogosphere.  And oh, OHHHHH have I been inspired!

—

Have you ever heard of One Word 365?  I’ve made enough commitments for 2013 and adding one more really wasn’t part of my plan….until then it was.  Not only was it a chance to “link up,” which is new blogger lingo for me, it was also a chance for me to make a commitment this time not for me, for God.  So you pick one word and join a community that encourages and inspires you to live each day, 365 of them, by it (the word).

INVESTMENT.

That’s my word.  Investment.  Because God has spent my entire life investing in me.  But this isn’t for me–it’s for Him.  I’m mad that I spent most of last year angry with Him (like it was His fault my life was a sham).  I’m really mad that I spent most of last year being stupid and conveniently forgetting what I know in my heart as Truth.  I’m extremely mad that I missed out on the opportunity of knowing Him deeper amidst the circumstances.  But.  I’m also happy.  I’m happy that this here is my chance to invest in Him.  I’m really happy that investing in Him will renew a strength and spirit in my own heart that will hopefully inspire your hearts too.  And of course, I’m extremely happy that this investment isn’t just another commitment, it’s my Life.

It’s not like this word just came when I ran across oneword365.com either.  No, the Spirit’s been moving, because that’s what He does best.  I have this thing for “investing” in clothes….. yeah, and then I was challenged to forget I had them and just wear 7….and then I failed.  I failed in the best sort of ways.  I failed as I fell on my face in His word reflecting on blessings of heels and boots and ballet flats and sneakers and dresses and sweaters as a Mighty Voice reminded me of this:

What matters is not your outer appearance—the styling of your hair, the jewelry you wear, the cut of your clothes—but your inner disposition.  Cultivate inner beauty, the gentle, gracious kind that God delights in.

1 Peter 3:3-4 (The Message)

So I asked myself a scary question.  One that I knew would be answered with shame and and discomfort.  “Does God delight in me?”  Who was I kidding, of course He does.  I am His creation, His masterpiece.  New question: “What is it about me that God delights in?”

Is it my desire to know Him more?  umm… no because that’s been missing.

Is it this exceeding joy?  well, honestly it’s just lately become exceeding joy…

Here’s what it is: it’s the desire to be known as gentle and gracious.  To be changed from the inside out as I get there and meet His steadfast love all over again.  And you know how I’m going to do that? ha… ha….. hah……….

INVESTMENT.  Investment of not just my time, investment of my heart, mind, body, and soul.  For this is so much more than just Beholding Him in a sit, wait, write, watch sort of way….it’s Beholding Him in a “go out and find Him” sort of way.  Anyone have a magnifying glass? Oh wait, He’s already big.  SO BIG.

First though, I’d like to introduce you to my home for the next two years.  This “home” is one and a half rooms combined, and 3/4 less of closet.  When I made the decision to move in with my parents to their downsized home, I knew I’d have to scrunch.  Ladies and Gents, my darlings, I am making it work.  And I have many posts to come explaining just how exactly.  Did you know that I really am this organized?  Doubtful I’m sure as you see many other areas of my life.

Today though, meet Bedroom.  It’s my little, and by little I mean only, and yes teeny weeny, sanctuary.  But it’s mine.

This is the bed where I sleep.  Yes–I am sleeping again, though I must be honest, I feel as though I am sleeping in a guest room.  STILL….it’s been two months…..  This is also where memories lie above me–in my boxes and albums.  It’s where I rest under pretty flower freshness and am reminded to live faith.

and this, this is one of four homes for my shoes–all of which are separated by family.  Yes, my shoes have families.  This is where the Boots live.  Except for six pairs, they are visiting other families for the time being.  The Boots are one of the most admired of the Shoe family.  First thing I see when I wake up every morning…my favorite part of getting dressed in the fall and winter (which ones do I get to wear tomorrow??).  Always let the shoes pick the outfit!  ALWAYS!

Here is where the Heels live.  I get to take them in whenever I’m also watching my trash TV.  They actually go hand in hand….oh, it’s where Sass gets inspired.  Sneakers and Slippers like to hang with them for comfort release.  They’re so nice like that.

This here is my writing nook, my watch TV nook, my read a book and then don’t finish it nook, my talk on the phone to besties nook, my “look how cute Sasha is while sleeping” nook.

Next to the “all of the above” nook is where the Flat family lives.  They like to “hang out” with each other and double up in their rooms.  They’re a pretty organized family arranged by color, season, and even in some cases brand/style.  I think the Flats are feeling rather lonely lately as the Boots are doing more of the entertaining this season…

The fourth shoe family lives in my closet, high above my clothes.  They’re the Sassy family…all I can say is that they only come out for special occasions when dancing and feathers are non-negotiables.  They asked not to be pictured at this time…

but this!  THIS is the sacred place, my special place, my favorite place.  The place that sings the Hallelujah Chorus whenever I stand in front of it…Ummm… no I have not made an idol out of my closet….and running accomplishment wall.

wait for it….

ready for those numbers!  This place is home to…….

• 96 spring and summer tops
• 72 fall and winter tops
• 18 skirts
• 53 dresses and tunic tops
• 8 hoodies
• 9 purses
• 4 wallets
• 22 scarves

and this, this is my posession confession.  well kind of.  I actually have more.

In my dresser I have:

• 21 tshirts
• 23 camis and tanks
• 12 workout shorts, skirts, and pants
• 16 workout shirts
• 13 dress slacks
• 11 casual pants
• 7 pairs of pijammies

In my chest of drawers….who am I kidding?  It was time to stop counting….or else I was about to purge my most treasured possessions.

But wait.

Don’t hoard treasure down here where it gets eaten by moths and corroded by rust or—worse!—stolen by burglars. Stockpile treasure in heaven, where it’s safe from moth and rust and burglars. It’s obvious, isn’t it? The place where your treasure is, is the place you will most want to be, and end up being.

—

crap.  I hate it when Scripture convicts me.  seriously, CRAP.

There was a lady–I have no idea her name, Jen I think… anyway, she decided to live by 7.  For 7 months she focused on different areas of excess in her life.  Food–she only ate 7 items, FOR A MONTH, the same 7, EVERY DAY.  Media–she only used 7 forms, FOR A MONTH.  annddddd, *GASP* clothes. 7 items of clothing….FOR.A.MONTH!!!!!  The SAME 7 ITEMS…for a month.  Today alone I wore 9 (2 outfits=why I LOVE SUNDAYS).

I co-lead a small group of 7th grade girls.  Tonight we made a pact to “fast” in our own “clothing” sort of way.  For 7 days, we will wear only seven items of clothing.  Will it be easy?  Will it be difficult?  Will it be stinky?? (underwear and socks don’t count).

We’ve been challenged.  Here are my 7:

leggings, jeans, yoga pants, fleecy, cami, sweater and uggs.

7 DAYS.  this lady is freakin’ psycho.  Or just crazy in love with the Father.

Her whole goal was to create space to have more intimacy with Him.  I gotta be honest here reader friends of mine, I’ve never been more thankful for His blessings, my earthly treasures (and my 7 days haven’t even begun).  And of course I need to say: my heavenly treasures are better, eternal.  I get it, I get it.

*shakes head and clicks ‘publish’ with a commitment to share thoughts about this challenge in 7 days.*

I read the Christmas story over and over and over again during Advent.  My favorite part is Mary’s song of praise.  She says, “I’m bursting with God-news, I’m dancing the song of my Savior God.”  It’s my favorite part because she is more courageous than I could ever dream of, but at the same time, everything I try and be– “the Lord’s maid, ready to serve.”  The truth is I fall very, very far from her.

Still, I try put myself in her position; engaged to Joseph.  In my mind he’s this hot guy with a beard, a well respected man, but a man no less.  So when he “quietly” breaks off the engagement, I can’t help but think of the broken-hearted Mary.  Until I see this…

“I’M NOT SURE WHAT’S GOING ON.  I’MHURTING. CONFUSED.”

And his friends, they’re all asking questions.  I knew they did, but overlooked the fact that they did.  For so long I attributed him as a “selfish man” when instead he is so human; human that is used for God’s story.

But it’s different.  It’s like they are no longer a story in history.  But they are with us too.  The presence at Christmas time isn’t just Emmanuel, it’s them too, and everyone else involved.

Our church is doing the Advent Conspiracy.  We’ve learned to worship fully, spend less, give more, and love all.  It’s rethinking Christmas.  What impacts me most, is that Christmas is about relationships.  It’s God’s love for us in the gift of His Son.  His Son came to earth that we might know the character of God.  He built a relationship with the world.  And now, it has me thinking of the relationships that were impacted in many ways by that Gift, a king made into a humble servant.

Think about those relationships.  really, think about them.  Mary and her sister- did she cry to Elizabeth when hot-Joe dumped her?  And Joseph- did he call Mary all sorts of names to friend #1 & friend #2?  And when the two were reconciled, I think “What God has joined together let no man separate,” (Matt 19:6).  Because imagine the Spirit at the core of the relationship, as deep as it could possibly be.  Let no man separate.

and what if, WHAT IF, His Spirit was at the core of everyone of my relationships too??  Emmanuel, His presence not just with me, but withIN me in every, single, one of my relationships!

AND MARY SAID: ‘MY SOUL GLORIFIES THE LORD AND MY SPIRIT REJOICES IN GOD MY SAVIOR, FOR HE HAS BEEN MINDFUL OF THE HUMBLE STATE OF HIS SERVANT. FROM NOW ON ALL GENERATIONS WILL CALL ME BLESSED, FOR THE MIGHTY ONE HAS DONE GREAT THINGS FOR ME — HOLY IS HIS NAME.’

LUKE 1:46-49

TO JUST READ THE BIBLE, ATTEND CHURCH, AND AVOID “BIG” SINS— IS THIS PASSIONATE, WHOLEHEARTED LOVE FOR GOD?

– FRANCOIS FENELON, THE SEEKING HEART

it bothers me that my kids think this.  it bothers me more that I have let this justify my own heart.  how can i be bothered?