I was shopping for towels yesterday, and while the $7.99 one was absolutely soft and fluffy, the $12.99 one had a different feeling of hugs and loves.  So I went with the $9.99 ones instead.  Easy compromise… -ish.  And maybe I just need to come to terms that my person, this “me” is always going to strive for more– for the next best thing.

I have this amazing job right now that lets me spend 10 hours a day with my neicy-girl and my cousin-girl, but it has me sleeping 5 hours a night.  And I haven’t had the energy to run in I don’t know how long.  And the cooking that I used to love is now one of the biggest chores because lives LITERALLY depend on it (and apparently so do the 20 pounds I’ve gained since meeting Trey).

And I can’t help but strive for and plan what is next… the next when my runs are back and when my longing for him reunites me with a deeper longing for Him..

We’re doing a sermon series at church called “breathing room.”  Apparently the Spirit is speaking “pause” to us this summer.   He’s telling us to stop scheduling on top of the schedules and to just seek He who matters most, trusting in Him beyond the “what’s next.”

In the interviews upon interviews that have my anxiety snapping at Trey every time someone mentions “job” I have told myself that it’s one tiny piece in our lives that are awaiting a priceless inheritance that’s eternal.  Trusting more in His timing than our own is the strongest thing keeping me sane.  It’s the only thing to do to keep my head above the water as the never-ending questions roar in like tidal-high waves that even the worlds greatest surfers couldn’t catch.  So I ignore the questions as part of my own personal boundary and business and mostly sanity, and I clench to the strength of my soon-to-be husband with each let down holding on to him and Him a little tighter as He clenches to our Maker.  109 days, Baby.  What a rock…

ps. I don’t really know how to take it that he is g-chatting me about jobs right now….

And so today, on this break that I’ve needed scheduled in my schedule, I turn to 1 Peter and within the first few verses am reminded of a God that loves so fiercely, me.  Beyond my own words or our own understanding, loves me so deep enough that long ago, He “knew me,” and “chose me” ….

And when I prayed for years that this man would “choose” me I was missing the part that God, chose me first, for him…. and now for “them.”  So I still sit here with the schedule of my day running through my head like sand through an hour glass and remember that He’s chosen me for them, the sweet children that are awaiting His work in me for them.  But I wait, trusting that in these moments, He’s working it something absolutely perfect and wonderful, not just for me, but for us– Trey and I.

So a little encouragement that’s come to me as I try and plan the days in front of me not forgetting these that are behind:

If you decide for God, living a life of God-worship, it follows that you don’t fuss about what’s on the table at mealtimes or whether the clothes in your closet are in fashion. There is far more to your life than the food you put in your stomach, more to your outer appearance than the clothes you hang on your body. Look at the birds, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, careless in the care of God. And you count far more to him than birds.

 

Has anyone by fussing in front of the mirror ever gotten taller by so much as an inch? All this time and money wasted on fashion—do you think it makes that much difference? Instead of looking at the fashions, walk out into the fields and look at the wildflowers. They never primp or shop, but have you ever seen color and design quite like it? The ten best-dressed men and women in the country look shabby alongside them.

 

If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don’t you think he’ll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I’m trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God’s giving. People who don’t know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don’t worry about missing out. You’ll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.

 

Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.

 

Matthew 6, The Message

..There is wonderful joy ahead.

#trusting

When it’s coming apart, you had it all.
It wasn’t enough. No, it’s not enough.
They tell you it’s not worth the price, so just let it go.
But you know you can’t. You know you won’t.

It’s not easy, no.
Finding the words to say.
When you’re feeling lost, you’ll find your way.

The world is so broken and sometimes it leaves you cold.
And at times you can’t feel the fire to guide you home.
The demons will haunt you and try to steal what you know.
But the angels, they brought you, and they’re gonna hold you up.
They’re gonna hold you up.

They see the fear in your eyes, heart sinks like a stone.
‘Cause when you’re afraid, it weighs on your soul…

The first time I heard this song, I was sitting with my best friend, soul mate, on our annual vacation together.  And she talked to me real and raw as I was moving into what I now refer to as my “out of body experience.”  Because, some how, some way, those demons were already fighting me and everything I knew and trusted.  and she was is my angel, holding me up.  Her (and so many others).

And my heart having just broken was already moving into the next break, completely blinded by lust and emotion.  The immortal break was begging for those angels to come and not a minute too late, just three months later than what I expected.

Shoot.  I have no idea where to begin.  Have I been well?  No.  Has there been wellness, yes.  Those are just posts for other days, ones that talk depression and anxiety, and trust, and satisfaction, salvation and eternity.  God with us.  Us without Him.

For now though, it’s just God with me in them.  And these words, my anthem: The angels, they brought you, and they’re gonna hold you up.

The world is so broken and sometimes it leaves you cold.
And at times you can’t feel the fire to guide you home.
The demons will haunt you and try to steal what you know.
But the angels, they brought you, and they’re gonna hold you up…

When the timing is right, somehow you’ll know.

I’m held.  And because I am……I’d like to introduce you to Nicole Marie Lewis.

Ms. Lewis began her career as Beholder and Impact on January 1, 2015.  Having survived self harm through severe depression and anxiety, she was reborn with fullness and understanding of purity in our hearts.  She believes.  Ms. Lewis holds body and faith as a great vessel and treasure for Jesus, the Savior and Redeemer.  And 2015 is hers.

Ms. Lewis eats a paleo diet for every day of 2015.  And Ms. Lewis runs fueling a fire that guides her home.  She runs with perseverance both the earthly and eternal races set before her.  And she encourages.

And her heart though broken and rebroken has been both built and rebuilt for this moment to tell you about her book, a book that will be released the summer of 2015.  Yes this is Ms. Lewis.

In 126 days she will stand before 150 people witnessing Love divine.

In 134 days she will stand before hundreds of others walking across to the other side of what has been the hardest journey (to date) of her life.

And this is Ms. Nicole Marie Lewis who has already begun that journey back to independence.  She bought a brand new car, a 2015 Mazda CX-5, and it’s white, like a pure fresh start.  And she’s scoping out apartments and new furniture.  But more importantly, she’s smiling.  She’s scared.  Hopeful.  Anew.  Refreshed.  and once again, in Love with the One most worthy of her heart.

—

Happy New Year my great friends and followers.  It’s been three months since I last wrote to you.  Three months full of restoration and the most beautiful me being rebuilt, reborn as Nicole Marie Lewis.

Yes, that’s new, but so are many other things in 2015.  Like that fact that in two weeks I will begin the final internship of my grad school days.  (Honestly, that’s why Nicole Marie “Lewis” has been birthed, and why “nicolebeholds.com” found a need to make it’s grand appearance.  Because THIS “Nicole Marie” isn’t going anywhere, as the other parts of her are still running.

And there’s no need to give this post more purpose or reason.  Just an introduction to the 2015 Nicole Marie….Lewis.  Who is His.  Again.  Forever.

I’ll see you soon with love,

Nicole marie Lewis

Work is hard.  It’s deep and overwhelming and fulfilling and sad and exciting and so much more that I don’t even know where to start.  And so I place one hand on my beating heart and beg it to slow down.  I move my fingers over my eyes that are finally crying tears as I deal with a life I didn’t see coming, as I fight the good kinds of fear that my year of adventure in the chance and unknowns is bringing.  Because I’ve wanted this and didn’t know just how badly I did.  And somehow God’s answers though true and right, they’re not at all what I expected.  And the goosebumps that still linger after a day full of vulnerability and fear give me peace and surprisingly, more trust.  The innocent voice that spoke deeply to my devoted heart, “Miss Paullin, Miss Paullin,” gives me assurance.  And the mentors that call me their “new favorite person” give me inspiration.  The plane tickets that read my name and his, give me excitement…and the dates on the calendar that bring me to my girls are giving me support even before I am able to feel their arms holding me…

there are new things to get used to:

• voices that say, “Hi, Miss Paullin…”
• wearing heels for 7.5+ hours because the other voices will indeed say, “Did you see Miss Paullin’s shoes today?!”
• little hands begging to hold mine
• trusting eyes looking for love that I pray I’m somewhat good enough to give
• Making lunch the night before
• Picking out which shoes to wear…the night before.
• Blow drying my hair… the night before.
• kissing him…the night before….and maybe also the night after.
• fear that doesn’t chase me away
• fear that slows me down
• fear that teaches me to breathe
• fear that insists on carrying me home…

…and wasn’t there something in the mid-nineties about no fear?

but I’m sort of liking it…I like those voices in the lunchroom that are so loud I can’t hear myself think.  And I like that I heard about my shoes 4 times today..and I liked those little hands that had me tying shoes, and eyes that lit up when they heard me speak a 6 year old equivalent of “foreign language.”  And unfortunately, I’m so disgusted and embarrassed to say that I really did like my lunch of doritos and diet coke.  I sort of liked the fact that I ran late, because the shoes that got 4 compliments were exactly the right ones.  and I like that the kiss tonight was even better because there actually wasn’t one last night.

And the fear, it says, “Nic, just wait here.  Stop being the you that keeps you back there and be the you that moves you over here…breathe through that dream that’s just made you numb…and wait. just wait; I’ll carry you home.”

You know, I have this thing for middle school, pre-pubescent kids (please read that without the child-molestor insinuation I’m sure it inferred…).  But I do, this thing, this love… this passion.  And I find that the drive comes from an opportunity that is so great, the one that says, “Hey, let me let God breathe hope and inspiration into your soul..” and so I do, in the process praying with everything that I am, that these kids would find their identities with confidence and self-love, security, and a whole latta hope.

Because there needs to be more hope in every single second of every single day, to change for the better and for the now.

If you would prepare your heart, and stretch out your hands toward Him…then surely you could lift up your face, yes, you could be steadfast, and not fear, because you would forget your misery and remember it as waters that have passed away.  And your life would be brighter than noonday…and you would be secure because there is hope… (excerpts from Job 11, NKJV)

and I find love in this sweet deliverance, my life in His hands, the ones that shaped me and formed me in the most fearful and wonderful way… and this is just me, secured with hope.

You all have found me and have known me in similar ways through millions of words, thousands of smiles, hundreds of tears, and through a similar hope…but sometimes I get fearful that the writing has defined me..were there really thousands of smiles, or were there more tears?  Have I been too honest, or was I not honest enough?  These words that span across many, many pages, have they given enough of His love… not just for me, but more importantly for you..?  Wait- did I speak enough about Him?  Or too much about me??

I don’t want to be defined by my writing.  I want to be defined by my hope in Him through perseverance to victory.  I want to be recognized because I write from the heart to Him.  And yeah, it’s raw, and in the moment, sometimes dark.  But there are other times when it’s so bright.  And I’d rather be defined by that, because that’s where the hope has taken me.

So if you were to define me, I’d rather be embraced as His and not so much as a writer… I’d rather be identified as a real and genuine person that still sings a little badass every now and then because of all the spunk He gives me.  Because that’s what Hope has already defined in me: Confidence that says, look at me, I’m His and no one else’s.  And self-love that says, “you have great legs,” (actually that was someone else, but I like it, so it’s mine now).  And security, oh, it’s reassuring me time and time again that I’m in the most perfect place…

This hope is bringing me all sorts of excitement and even a few butterflies.

—

I’m bored right now.  Like, out of my mind bored.  The last few weeks with Pam gone was killing me… and my sound board that makes me laugh when I really want to laugh was gone too, and life was so colorless.  But God spoke to me through hours of prayer over them and their ministry.  He spoke about beautiful friendships and even the not so beautiful ones, ones that I question as I dig deep for tiny traces of hope that I trust are still there.  He reminded me that blessings come in the most opportune times, but also leave in the most inopportune times.  Hope is saying, “Nic, that’s okay.  You’re still mine.”

And I think that Hope has played the strongest role in my life as it anchors my soul– maybe Hope has taken over, in it’s own way allowing the time to pass so much faster as it brings me one step closer to this greatness I am so impatient to relive.

Today my life started over again in my morning breath that couldn’t wait for the panting that would so familiarly bring my feet to pavement.  And tomorrow it will start over again as I get excited for a good kiss.  And then on Wednesday, I might just let Hope give me another new beginning as I smile over life that’s just so fulfilling in every moment.

There’s a day though that Hope can’t bring soon enough.  And these every days that sometimes carry boredom in between irreprehensible happies are working their way to another day when my life will be redefined as I get to humbly relive purpose and greatness that aren’t mine, but His…and my life will RUN into it hardly looking back as Hope moves me faster than I can even fathom!  

No, for realsies, it’s about to start all over again.  28 days people!!  And then define me by my love for others.  Define me by my heart that cries with love and passion for my students to know their worth and value, to meet this hope so great…. 28 days to 800 little giggles and tiny hands that will run for me to hold with trust.  28 days to an office that I can call my own as words are spoken inside 4 walls as Hope listens…

Then, you can define me as Hope lifts me to the Love on top.  Oh wait, I already did….

Which is why you should start with this:

so just an fyi- that’s NOT actually Josh Garrels, but a cover of his song Pilot Me. But I chose to share that because there is such joy hearing these peaceful words out of the hearts and mouths of children… oh and just soak in their giggles, and just hear the joy… well hopefully hear the joy.. because I am.

Oh my friends, it’s been so hard to find the joy lately.  I’m overwhelmed, and angry, and frustrated, and sometimes sad.  And the peace and joy have been missing… and I can’t remember when I last felt it.  So the rage..it got bad…think brokenness…. (and peeps, I’m serious–I had a pretty raging moment…actually because my mom is reading this I have to be honest and say, I’ve had pretty raging momentSSSSSS over the last few weeks)…. Earlier this week I sent out a mass text message to my other moms just asking for their prayers because the absence of peace was working something terrible in me… and that’s not me.

So I started praying Josh’s words:

I will arise and follow you over
Savior please, pilot me

Over the waves and through every sorrow
Savior please, pilot me

When I have no more strength left to follow
Fall on my knees, pilot me

May your sun rise and lead me on
Over the sea’s, savior pilot me

and as I was, His Spirit started to seep through the cloudy sight my tears had left behind…and I just saw so much of His graces… His truths that I know, but somehow forget to acknowledge.  And so I kept on with this prayer, that He would be enough.

And I’ve found that through the constant battle that was building brokenness, He’s brought this joyous restoration through my friends and my aunts, my sister, and especially my mom.  I love this quote by Beth Moore “WE are catalysts of joy for one another…”

I hate that I’d become so wrapped up in life outside of them that I’d lost love for Him, and that through it my trust and passion were just a lukewarm faith that could barely find the strength to reach for His arms that have always held me with intimate love…. but my catalysts fought for me…

And I stopped and realized that if I can take the good days from him, there is no reason why I should’t reJOYce in the bad days too (ps yes I know that you don’t spell rejoice with a Y).  I stopped praying for joy–left that up to them.  And I started praying for peace.  Because my life was unbearable without peace–and waiting on Him for joy was just heart wrenching.  It came… it came quickly.

I was reminded that Jesus left us with peace– I was just forgetting to take it with me in the discord, the prompting for forgiveness, the plea for more grace, the patience for His provision, the fight for more perseverance….and in all that, I finally realized, I. can’t. do. this. alone.

And that’s exactly why He’s provided for me, knowing my needs and giving me immeasurably more than I could ever imagine– and it’ll keep coming even better than I could ever imagine.  Before I ask, He’s giving.  Because to Him, my life is more than the overwhelming schedule of grad school, and the selfish dissatisfaction with a room that barely holds all of my shoes, and the rudeness in me that comes out when I have to talk to my parents when I wake up in the morning and come home from school.  But He freely gives to needs I’ve yet to identify.

So in the waiting, I forced myself to find the tiniest bit of joy–because the waiting is what fulfills His glory in His will being worked and done.  That’s when He becomes more than enough– if I could just open my eyes to see that fullness.

And He doesn’t change my circumstances to make them bearable.  He meets me there, beckoning me through doubt just so I can see a glimpse of His glory.  So I asked myself in between the countless questions of why and self doubt–how much am I really trusting in His will?  How okay am I with His will even knowing that in the end it will bring Him glory?  He’s working for my good and in it, there will be glory, and even power, revealed.  So I kept praying for peace; I kept praying for contentment as I am looking at the end that is so near in sight (20 days)…and this whole thing of perseverance keeps coming up.  Day after day–perseverance (for my good) to the victory.

Revelation: “It is possible to be in intimate gatherings with Christ, hear His teaching, and see His power before our very eyes–and still be lost.”

But I’m not lost anymore– not angry, not weary…  He provides, and gave so freely to me through the beauty of perseverance, through a mind that is fighting so hard to stay focused on Him….

I had two choices when I got home from class yesterday, to get into bed at 2:30 to try and get some rest and rejuvenation before sitting down to write yet another paper…. or to try and find rest and solace in the company of one who truly cares for me.  He helped me choose the latter.  And it was perfect.  Many things in life are rarely perfect– but this: it. was. perfect.  Because He provided me with every ounce of what I needed.  I walked this path that my feet know so familiarly.  And I spoke such freeing words as I was sharpened by insight and love.  Believe it or not, I was quiet for moments as I stared into His sunlight that beamed through the green leafs that were moved through His breath, a breeze…

I’m reminded that all is His… we are His.  So my feet moved while my heart stilled–and there came Peace.  And friends don’t get me wrong, Peace didn’t just show up in the moments that were filled with laughter, and honesty, and humility.  Peace is reigning.  And this was so everything I needed… and had absolutely no idea that I did.

I talked to one of my friends last night, and she could even sense it in my voice.  And that’s just dandy…you should know, I type that with a smile that I haven’t smiled in months: where joy is back, where rage is gone, where hope is grounded…where perseverance is still walking me into victory.

—

Last night after the most amazing day of His goodness through his goodness, I prayed the best prayer I have in a verrrrryyyy lonnnggg, long time.  And the Spirit moved my words through the pages as my heart wrote something my hand had forgotten amidst the joyless drought.  “You are enough.” and this time I meant it.  Hah! Oh! and I even prayed this, “Lord, just let me rest here for awhile…”

so I will.

ps. here is the real Josh Garrels song in case you’re interested