—

I won Sonic. Like legit, earned it.  Best said by cousin Laura: “How do you recover from a half marathon? Wrap a foam cup of ice around your bum knee, order a master blast, tater-tots and cheese poppers from Sonic.”

My body is sore.  Last night, I slept for 13.1 hours, and I have blisters where no woman should have blisters.  My legs are tired.  My knee has this weird, obnoxious, clicking that is more apparent with each step I take today… (which really is only to go to the kitchen for more water, to the bathroom to dispose of said water, and to bed where I lay as I write to you…and for my professors as life just goes on.  But the best pain– my heart, as it is bursting through the seams at this beautiful life.  And tomorrow, I will register for the Richmond Marathon, 26.2 miles.  Because I. can. do. it.  for me, because of Him.

And I think we need to do more things for ourselves.  Not in a selfish or self gaining way, but in a way that really, TRULY allows us to love the temple the houses His Spirit.  The temple that houses His Spirit in ME, is happy.  Like really, REALLY happy.  Not as a tall, skinny, blonde, but as a short, “thick,” brunette (with blond-ish highlights), sausage fingers and a double chin, as this beautiful woman (His masterpiece) with a genuine smile that understands what it means to house Him.  I’m me, the best me I could be, the me He created and I’m more content with that than I’ve ever been.  Because without Him in me, these pains that keep me smiling on this snowy, spring morning, would mean nothing.

Friends, yesterday, I ran a half-marathon.  Like for real.  I. ran. 13.1. miles.  and wait for it– I beat my 2011 half marathon time by 40 minutes.  40 minutes.  

And the “too many to count” likes on Facebook only make me smile even bigger.  Like, even my cheeks are hurting… and I don’t mean just my glutes.. your support has my face hurting.. that’s why I say, my heart’s hurting too.  Because this Love is overwhelming me, I swear my heart, it just might burst.  Oh and it hurts so good, so damn good.

This smile, oh just look at it and tell me you see Him in me..because I feel him radiating in this big and crazy and immeasurable way, and I just want you to know!  I’m wanting to be so beautiful, just like Him…  so beautiful.

He’s moving inside of others to Love me… I’m telling you– I can’t, I just– THIS LOVE that I’m so undeserving of, grace so good, love so big…I have a King who is moving inside of me– lifting me to a higher place, putting a smile on this face.. And I smile because I couldn’t do it without Him giving me them:

and a sister that rubbed my back when I couldn’t sleep because of nerves.  a sister who stood in the hotel hallway to pray over me as mom held our hands… that was a special moment, us 3.  she lays on the beach with me and gives up a nap to hear my jabber as together we giggle about boys, cry over losses, smile over dreams… she’s been by my side for 27 years, and my smile is more real because of how He uses her in my life.

and these girls.  They make me laugh the kind of laugh that says I should have a six pack by now.   But instead there’s a content and beautiful curve there that allows realness to live beyond standards.  Conversations that we will all regret having with our mothers, but in the end, only brought us closer…and a new way to look at horses, elevators…and I guess walk in closets too.  And I smile, because they’re building their legacies into each one of us.  Together we learn how to be them.  And He lives on.  Here–through these smiles.

Because our mothers teach us a special kind of passion.  A way to love and be loved, Loved.  They are our biggest fans, the ones that cheer us on to keep us going whether we hit a wall and want to stop, or whether we are running a race that’s already been won…amidst a race that is being won.  They’re the best part of this life…

and she’s next.

—

The race was fast.  Not just because I broke my PR (personal record) by 40 minutes (that wasn’t it), but because I was reminded how fast (almost too fast) life can move.  This weekend that had me treasuring every second of togetherness, every gift of Love, it was coming to an end.  Him working in us, those small significant moments, they go by too fast when they’re moving us so big.  And I had no choice but to count each blessing right there in every stride–too many to count, so many not to; reminded that I’m alive in Him, moving because of Him (and never wanting to stop).

That’s the thing about running: your greatest runs are rarely measured by racing success.  They are moments in time when running allows you to see how wonderful your life is.

–Kara Goucher

and let me tell you, it’s something incredibly wonderful. Something incredibly real and precious.  Something beautiful.  just like me, His.

ps. someone stop me next time I try and wear a headpiece.  please.

Running to the one who heals the blind
Following the shining light
In Your hands, the power to save the world
My life 

Lost in the realness of my life now.  I met with a classmate yesterday for an “intake” interview to make an “assessment” about her current state..and mine.  Hah!  Friends, let me tell you about my current state.  The one that I fall in love with more and more each day..and somehow fall in hate with less and less.  I’m busy.  So I schedule sushi dates weeks in advance and last minute movie dates hours in advance, shoe shopping and snuggles with mom minutes in advance.  I schedule a paper between 11:30pm and 6am.  I schedule a run somewhere between sunrise and just after preschool drop off.  I schedule making my bed at 6:22 am.  I schedule hanging my clothes at 9:18am or 9:54 a.m. depending on the day.  And my nails, they’re getting painted in between these words and these thoughts because I have to multitask.  HAVE TO.  I schedule…I schedule… and I SCHEDULE.  My iCal is exploding blue.  But my life is exploding what it’s meant to.

So in meeting with Lindsay, my “presenting problem” was time management.  Ironic because it’s not much of a problem.  It’s just how I get lost in the moment with you–living as though today is the last and no, I don’t just mean that in the cliché form it may come across as.  I mean it in that, my life is too busy NOT to cherish each little moment with you.

YOU, this LIFE-this LOVE!

five mile runs around burke lake.  without them getting lost would take on a much different meaning.  yet with them, getting lost means handling the stresses joys of schedules, schedules, and more schedules.

and shoe shopping.  I think of the three pairs I bought this month, these are by far my favorite.   (The others are navy also, flats from Nine West…and since they were BOGO 50% off, I also got red ballet flats).

THE BATHROOM RENOVATION! click here to get the details and see the after pictures.. still not quite done, but somewhere between the running and shopping and traveling I managed to change that into this!

..while still finding time for this!  Marisa signed up for Amari to do the Marine Corp 1 mile fun run.  I bought her cute running clothes (of course) and the girl conquered.  Strength, Endurance, and most importantly, FAITH to run the race set before us.

 ps. it cracks me up looking at her right shoe… what kind of Auntie doesn’t fix that for her girl?!

My heart melts for this little man.  We get a little closer everyday, what between our dolphin kisses and eskimos and “targuts” runs before or after preschool.  In case you need a translation those would be Starbucks runs…yes, those are scheduled in too.

As was the Great Pumpkin 5k at Reston Towne Center with my two favorite running buddies.  Note: repeated Starbucks (forget gold member, I’m working my way up to platinum).  There’s something so therapeutic about the goofy…

and something so special and therapeutic about being with them.

And as good as it is this scheduling– you have no choice but to crash… after talking the Wendy’s drive thru guy into giving you 50+ chicken nuggets for free while barefoot because those hot cheetah print heels beat up your feet with all those mad dance moves to Daft Punk and Build Me Up Buttercup…

must mean it’s time to recharge.

and then get excited for the next adventure!

because New York City, here I come!

This is Maggie, Katie, and Molly.  I helped potty train them.  And now they’re 16, 17, and 18.  And God knows these are my girls!  Surprising Molly for her 18th birthday was by far one of the greatest surprises I’ve EVER been a part of.  Seriously.  THE GREATEST!  Gosh I love this spontaneous life I lead.

Remember that one time I met Mr. Producer Man (Alex) and flirted with him until the girls had to tell me he was gay?  oops.

Or the time that I complimented Natalie Morales’ shoes and so she took a picture with us… AND thought that I was 18 (and Molly)?  This life makes my cheeks hurt.  

And remember the time that Jill told me to make-out with boys because it’s fun?  Yes, friends, life is SO FUN!

Because she’s a part of it.  Teaching me what it’s like to be a woman, but instilling in me what it’s like to be His woman.

Hey Katie, remember when you were 3 and I was swinging you around and your elbow popped out of joint….yeah, not my best babysitting moment (remember how I was 12?)

those eyes may look tired, but they’re not closing yet.

Remember that part about winning $50 but only taking home a nickel?  I’m coming for you Atlantic City…

Dear A.C., We thought you needed to prepare for us and all our funness.  We were wrong. PS I continually think that God’s gift to me is my twenties when I get to look pretty with a drink in my hand and a high five in the other.

You ate us alive Atlantic City.

but all good fun must come to an end… momentarily at least.

I don’t know if I talk about Jenn enough but she is seriously one of the sweetest women I know… can I get an amen?  She has this gentle soul and this witty boldness that can send me into giggles and tears all at the same time.  and I just really really love her…and the fact that I got to watch her teach as part of an assignment of behavioral observation.  This is getting real friends, I’m going to be a school counselor… wow!

I want to be as peaceful as him.  When the moments get too rushed.  When I’m sleeping in naps and not talking in complete sentences.  When I’m overwhelmed, Lord just quiet my soul.

and then just let me be.

Yes!  Let me be.. with the one who makes me smile, who brings out goofy, and who houses MY COUCH!  Let me be with him, and the POPCORN, and the WINE, and the TV.  and let me breathe vicariously in an apartment that I can pseudo help decorate.

let me just love. let me just love in excitement…

with her.

and with him…

and with no make-up….

as we wait for THIS!

Let me love this girl who got me through high school.

Let me love the real example of family.

that travels halfway across the country to help hang twinkle lights…

they get the preciousness of life.  the moments we can never re-live.

they honor the legacy of life.

and giggle through the silliness of life.

They get it.  and they get us.  so much more than anyone could.

Family is friendship.  And grace.  And a love that sacrifices over and over again for…wait for it, others.

we dance.  and smile.

we stop to be together.

to laugh together.

to commune together.

and to twinkle a fabulous life together.

such a gift we have in one another.

Oh what a gift this is…this one wild and precious life I have.  I couldn’t love it more.

I said this in my Facebook status earlier this month:

It’s like Fall has swallowed up my life and spit out something spontaneously gorgeous and wonderful. #reallyhappygirl

really. happy (and somewhat tired). girl.

October, thank you.

 It’s different, no longer getting carded, hearing, “Oh…” in that tone as if 27 has reached it’s prime and now you’re on the other side of it.  It’s different, that feeling like there’s only 1,095 days left in your twenties.  Those are the differences I’ll have to get used to…

These are the ones that I really think won’t take nearly as long… Being able to say, I wish I had known that in my early twenties, or that knowing what you want is done with more confidence, with more credence… having more money than I did then… reality set it, again, and I’m a grad student… maybe I’ll get to that in my thirties.

I have this friend, he’s five years older than me and for years, YEARS he’s called me a baby and I’ve called him an old man.  Suddenly though, he’s telling me that I’m so close to thirty, and I can’t help but really love that.  I can’t help but love that my mother has a need to stay young with me “because 27 makes me feel so old, mija!”  I can’t help but love how with each day of age comes another notch in the belt of this motherhood turned friendship turned sisterhood.  And I can’t help but wonder how great the next days gifted are about to win me over.

—

I’m at the beach.  This little place of solitude amongst a drama-filled-25-person-filled-not-big-enough-too-many-cars-not-enough-patience family “vacation” is winning me over.  The hours of snuggle time have more meaning as an adult than they did as a kid a 26 and under.  The new appreciation, the understanding of how really special it means to feel loved, to feel trusted, to feel needed…it must be what 27 feels like.

This “feeling” pushes aside the pettiness that surrounds personal “needs” which to anyone else are really only wants and desires to get what you “deserve” or are “owed.”  This “feeling” as a 27 year old has taught me that trivial attitudes are nothing more than that, “attitudes” that in their own way manage to cripple happiness, steal love, and ruin all-around-down-right-good-fun.

So here we are.  27.  And vowing–yes, vowing–with more conviction to let the waves chase me.

I went running today.  On the beach.  as in on the sand.  as in along the ocean.  and up Waves came, begging to roll over my slow moving *but moving none the less* feet.  And I ran harder, I ran faster– as if it was a bad thing to face Waves and their attempt to pull me in.  And so there I went, feeling all 27 years of me.  The feeling to be on this side of it.  Like it really “sucks” to be not carded?  As in, I love this wisdom but I hate recognition for being “here” now.  Or the fact that I’m now in my late twenties?  Because someone said that’s bad?

So I ran some more.  Not like some who may feel they “need it” but like the others who feel they “want it.”  And not because I’ve earned or deserved the right to these wants, but because grace has gifted me these wants.

and so Waves won.  and there they took me to hear Reality speak.

Saying “Family is Family.  And love is Love.  And grace is what gets us by.  and you, be careful Child, as you sit, wait, watch..Find me in it.  Let me drive away the selfishness you both face and witness.  Let me win over those misread opportunistic choices.  Let me guide you as you think them through a little more…My Love, just let Me, I AM. I AM that sacrificial One that grace has introduced you to..I AM yours.  So give me you.  Feel this 27 as your year of grace and Daughter, let 27 be Mine.”

So they won again.  I threw those soaked shoes into the sand and ran with Grace into the Ocean that He holds in his hands.  These feet that have walked 27 years, sinking in grace…And a sun rising to tell the good news that life has so much more.  here it is….Here it’s His.

—

27 graces.  And for my own sake a reminder of what grace really is: undeserved favor.

1.  I freaking love the grace that reminds me that life is so much more than family quarrels.

2.  I freaking love that God blessed me with friends that choose to make me a part of their vacation every year.

3.  I freaking love that God gave me students that I get to watch grow into awesome and amazing Children that are finding their own way to the other side of 27 years.

4.  I freaking love that God gave me a family who is able to move into a second home for a beach week as opposed to other families just fighting to stay in their home for longevity.

5. I freaking love that God gave us the ability to laugh.

6. I freaking love the Father that taught my father how to be a dad.

7. I freaking love that God gave men and women the choice to make “this” (my family) a part of their lives.  (though they might not always think it was the right one).

8.  I freaking love that I am able to run into the ocean knowing that my Creator holds it and all it’s majesty AND ME in His hands… at the same time!

9. I freaking love that God gave me a niece that overtakes my heart giving me the biggest desire to have children while also at the same time gives me the desire to be barren.

10. I freaking love that my mom did not kill me over the two new pairs of shoes I bought for my birthday.

11.  I freaking love that God gave me a sister who is also my best friend.

12.  I freaking love how my aunts have taught me to shop.

13.  I freaking love how my God teaches me that the shopping is a privilege not a need.

14.  I freaking love how my cousin gets to go to Italy because of a talent that God gave him.

15.  I freaking love how my other cousin trusts me the way I trust her.

16.  I freaking love how this community that God designed me for is lived out every. single. day.

17.  I freaking love how God teaches me to love.  again.  every. single. day.

18.  I freaking love that I can afford to bless others.

19.  I freaking love that when I think I can’t, God still provides.

20.  I freaking love that life isn’t about materialistic things but about relational things.

21.  I freaking love knowing that God isn’t done with me yet.

22.  I freaking love that He is showing me what it means to be his.  again.  every. single. day.

23.  I freaking love that to Him, I matter.

24.  I freaking love that He uses me to teach others that they matter too.

25.  I freaking love that when they don’t believe it, I still do.

26.  I freaking love that when I don’t believe it, He still does.

27.  I freaking love that this is for Him.  always.

—

28. JUST THIS ONCE- a cousin who really, really, REALLY wants me to finish this so I can go relationship/community with her… and a mother who nags…

“Writing block sucks.”

“yeah.”

“But then when you overcome it, the words just flow.”  Yeah, they flow.  They flow faster than your thoughts….

—

I woke up at 4:23 a.m., and in my mind, words were flowing, and they didn’t stop.  My mistake was waiting until 6:25 to sit down and actually write these flowing thoughts out.  Shoot.

I’ve now been a Fairfax-ian for 1 month.  One entire month.  My bed wears a really, REALLY pretty new duvet.  Those 4 curtain panels that made my living room so posh… they’re now split up because Mom LOVED them “SO MUCH” for her dining room, but I wanted them in my room…SPLIT.  THEY ARE SPLIT.  And my shoes.  I actually have four different locations to fit my 60 pairs of shoes (yes 60…I just counted).  And my clothes, they don’t all fit in my 4 foot wide closet.  The beloved Keurig is getting extra use.  And my dog has a new best friend.  Ohhhh you have to see how cute she looks right now….

She really is my sweetest, most loyal friend….

—

“So you’ve been here a month now, I suppose you are sleeping okay?”

“No mom, it just doesn’t feel like home.  Not yet…”

—

Maybe time will get me there.  I was at target on Black Friday, yes I’m that person.

Gosh I look hot in this picture–LOVE IT!  Any way… so we walked through the Christmas aisle…and I can’t tell you how many times I saw things and thought “Oh that would look so good in my living room” or “That’s so cute, I can put that in my foyer next to the mirror…” or “I really want Christmas plates for all the entertaining I do this time of year…”  and then reality set in.  And the truth flowed into my thoughts.  “Not any more sweetheart, not any more…”  I miss my home.  I miss my apartment.

—

Okay, okay…. so last night I went on a date.  It was a good date.  With a new someone.  I may kick myself for telling you all about it because look how foolish I ended up last time….  Still I need to share this:

Jon: “Are you happy in life?”

Me: “Yeah.  I mean, I know I’m where God wants me to be.  I’m excited about school… it’s just not at all where I thought I would be…”

Jon: “I thank God every morning for life.  EVERY MORNING–just for breathing…

This morning I write to you cuddled in these warm blankets.  Breathing–and stressing over school finances and if I should really buy those new Uggs because I really, REALLY want them.  But I am breathing.  Can I get an AMEN!?  I am breathing…and this is my life.  You’ve got the Love….You’ve got the Love!

I have a warm bed.

I have a loving family.

I have great hair.

I have red shoes and cowgirl boots (2 pairs).

I have a fulfilling job.

I have wisdom.

I have a heart.

I have Love.

oh yeah.  And these breaths in me are flowing like mighty, might wind.

—

There is no better feeling than crossing a finish line.  That feeling of accomplishment is fresh, it’s my moment.  I ran my third annual Turkey Trot last week.  With Laura (so proud of you cousin–can’t wait for our next race) and Justin (my favorite guy– I just love you to the moon and back, almost as much as popcorn!).

This heart of mine doesn’t like settling down–it’s ambitious and desirable.  It’s like I’ve taken off at the beginning of a race and I am about to start fighting the exhaustion, the pains in my knees, the urge to stop…all to get to the end and feel MY moment.  And then the adrenaline flows and the endurance beats steady, because this is EXACTLY where God wants me, and He’s running it right along side of me (best running buddy EVER!).  The start line is just that, the start line, and I’ve already crossed it.  Actually, I’m about 1 mile away from it.  But this is a marathon.  Oh God, may that endurance flow as I press on….I have 25 miles left.  Or to be more exact 45 credits….

Florence and the Machine is my playlist.  The holy empowerment is overwhelming.  “Sometimes I feel like saying ‘Lord I just don’t care’ But you’ve got the love I need to see me through” …”Shake it out.  SHAKE IT OUT…. it’s hard to dance with the devil on your back, so shake him off”  OHHH WHOA!!  Ohhh whoa, FLOW!

You’ve got the Love.  Let it FLOW.