I sat with another friend a few weeks ago who battled infertility for 10 years and we talked about how weird it is that I’ve become *that* person.  That “complain-y” person even after I make it a point to pray for the others (read about that here) almost more than for our family.  When we were in our two week wait (TWW in fertility talk) window to see if our little embryos decided to camp out for nine months, Trey kept telling me, “We prayed for this.  God has brought us this far..”  And so in telling you all this, I think I’ve found my new mantra to repeat after each complaint, “this is all part of His answered prayer!”  Also, there’s that verse in Genesis (3:16) where God tells Eve, “I will make your pains in childbearing very severe; with painful labor you will give birth to children.” See… even there His promises never fail!  …stupid apple.

Anyway.  Among all these discussions with friends and even after our last blog post that I linked above, I realize there are so many conversations that are still circling around unanswered questions and curiosity of how we got here.  I asked some of our people to give me some questions that I can publicly answer addressing our IVF story, IVF in general, and most importantly, how to support your friends struggling through infertility.  Stick around, if not for you then for the 1 in 8.

Without further adieu..

1. When did you know that you were “infertile?” Growing up, I can distinctly remember having a fear that something was wrong with me; missing school every month, irregular periods, nauseating pain when they finally did show up.  I can even remember in my mid-twenties really struggling with that same fear that something would prevent me from “child bearing.”  That said, *GASP* I convinced Trey to start “trying” the August before our wedding in November because I just KNEW it wouldn’t happen before then.  Girls- DON’T DO THAT for a number of reasons.  I’ve lost count of how many friends we have who were pregnant after one try.  It just wasn’t the same for us.  That December, I had an ovarian cyst that ruptured sending us to a new GYN who decided to test us a little early because of other symptoms I had been experiencing.  That’s when I was officially diagnosed with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome… see the awesome infographic from US NEWS down below for details).  My post prevalent symptom being that my body wasn’t releasing the egg that Trey needed to fertilize.  We knew that the diagnosis alone would make our chances of conceiving the more natural and fun way less likely.  We also knew that we’d need help.  Cue the drugs.  (also- if you watch This is Us, I gave them a standing ovation after their season premiere.  Thank you NBC for highlighting a battle that has gone unnoticed for way too long!  P.S. Kate Pearson and I are clearly soul-sisters.  It’s now confirmed.)
2. What treatments did you try? The short of it is… EVERYTHING.  For most infertile couples, the first or standard regimen is Clomid.  Basically, since my body wasn’t ovulating, Clomid is the miracle drug to get those eggs moving.  It didn’t work.  That’s when we were referred to a dumb, money hungry, con-artist fertility doctor.  He decided to try put me on Letrozole (it’s actually a drug that is given to breast cancer patients) but has a similar effect to Clomid and combine it with IUI (artificial insemination… basically dropping Trey’s tadpoles right into my uterus.) P.S. Trey was tested and passed with flying colors so we knew the problem really was me.  Talk about the best self-confidence booster, EVER.  AND some of those tests were really painful– like… I threw up kind of painful.  We did 3 IUIs before realizing that this doctor had no idea what he was doing.  The more research we did, the more we realized we were a statistic (again) and this time more than the 1 in 8.  Apparently, the chances of a successful pregnancy after 3 failed IUIs drops drastically.  That’s when my dad was diagnosed with cancer.  We took a short break.
3. So then afterwards you just, like… found a new doctor and did IVF?  Kind of, yeah.  Once we had my Dad’s treatment plan under control we went back to ours.  We knew we needed a more reputable fertility clinic so we decided on Shady Grove (some of my clients had recommended it and told us about a money back guarantee program which we desperately wanted after what we had experienced before).  I wanted the IVF and I wanted it NOW (especially if it gave our babies any chance of getting to know my dad).  We LOVED our new doctor and trusted her immensely… but once again, we got bad news.  I wasn’t a candidate for IVF because of my insulin resistance (brought on by PCOS) and a higher than preferred hemoglobin A1C.  That’s when we decided to trust God and see what He could do for us in the waiting (while I did everything I could to bring it down).  He did A LOT.  We got to behold every second with my dad, building our new home, taking him to doctor’s appointments, sitting with him, listening to war stories… and eventually waking with him every 2-3 hours to help him go to the bathroom.  I will forever say this whole living arrangement was the second/third best decision of my life (Jesus, Trey, Dad– in that order).  What a gift!  But still no pregnancy and a really hard goodbye with Dad.  That’s when we decided to adopt.  You can read about that here.  Among the midst of grief in the waiting, I decided to go back on my anti-depressants/anti-anxieties.  That’s when my PCP gave me some of the best news I’d had in a long time.  1- I didn’t need them and 2- It was time to call our fertility doctor again because I could do IVF; my A1C had dropped drastically.  Long story short, it was one year later and yeah, we just did IVF.
4. And what is IVF exactly? DUH! It’s when science meets the miracle of life that God created.  Just kidding- kind of… but not really.  Ohhhh, IVF is so much more.  In Vitro Fertilization.  Lots of shots; I think we counted well over 200 in my one cycle.  Lots of emotions.. because.. HOLY HORMONES.  Bruises.  Ultrasounds (to monitor that all those meds are doing their job), and still so much more.  Would you believe part of my drug regimen even included birth control to get control of my cycle so we knew when exactly to start each med.  Here’s the kicker: we used all of this… and still had to order more.First, the meds made my ovaries over produce eggs.  In our case, since my body hadn’t been releasing the eggs on it’s own, I had a lot of eggs to be harvested.  Yup- my body was farmed.  You may remember Trey’s blog post about it– if not you can check it out here.  For me, this was by far the hardest physical part of our infertility.  My ovaries which are naturally the size of pecans grew to be the size of grapefruits.  Under sedation, the doctor went in (vaginally) and aspirated or “retrieved” 30-something eggs from my giant ovaries before they released on their own (that was a lot– but my protocol is different.  EVERY WOMAN IS DIFFERENT and there is no set number to aim for–it only takes one healthy one!)  From there, the eggs were placed in a petri dish, right next to Trey’s “deposit” and our DNA loved on each other (kind of like we do, hah!).  We had a lot of eggs that fertilized within that first day, but only eight made it to the maturation stage for optimal transfer back into my sweet and hopefully very hospitable uterus.  FYI the maturation stage needed is a Day 5, Day 6, or Day 7 Blastocyst (meaning they have up to 7 days to mature once fertilized)– just google it.  The process was so painful and physically grueling but also so worth it… until I got Ovarian Hyperstimulation (OHSS).  I think this is actually when Trey first told me “This is what we prayed for, Sweetie!”
5. What do you do with the embryos then?  Like, were you trying to be octomom?  The OHSS prevented us from doing a “fresh” transfer– think turkey’s.  You can eat it sooner if it’s fresh…right?  Not the case for us.  So more of a waiting game, us in the hot summer which I hate… and them just “chilling” out in a freezer.  What a life!  We ended up waiting another 6 weeks before we were able to do the first frozen transfer (three of which I was back on birth control to control my cycle so we knew they exact time to transfer).  The drugs I was taking were tricking my body into thinking I naturally ovulated and that the embryo had been hanging out with me the entire time.  Timing needed to be exact.  We transferred one embryo in a procedure very much like the IUI.  For someone my age (32) going through IVF the recommended number of embryos to transfer is ONE… but by law doctors can legally transfer up to two.  When the first baby-embryo transfer was lost (as in didn’t implant)- our doctor told us that I may have underlying problems that we could investigate if the next transfer was a loss too.  Six weeks later (more birth control later), we decided to transfer two.  We believed our chances with at least one claiming a home would be higher… more statistics for you: 30% (ish) of “2 embryo transfers” actually have both embryos implant.  We’re NEVER in that small percentage.. but if we did happen to fall into it, then it was God’s will and we were meant to have twins.  After finding out that both of babies decided to stay, maybe we should have played the lottery.  The flip side was that if neither one found a temporary home, then maybe it was time for genetic screening and more tests for me.  Just like any other pregnancy– we still had a waiting game.  Doctors and science did a lot, but God and my body had to do the rest… times two!
6. Interesting…Tell me about genetic screening!  It’s so cool actually– but for us (FOR US) also a fine balance between playing God and tempting fate.  We had the chance to test our embryos when they fertilized to look for genetic abnormalities– something like down syndrome or trisomy… the list goes on.  This test ALSO can reveal the gender (and those of you who know me know that I only wanted a little girl– to start.) We opted against the genetic testing for a number of reasons.  Any baby of ours is God’s baby and if that meant she had downs, we weren’t going to deny her life by choosing to transfer a different embryo.  Instead we would take our princess and raise her like we would any of our other children; it wasn’t going to change our minds… even if boys.  We did not do genetic screen for our personal reasons.. and others choose to do it for their personal reasons.  There is no right or wrong.  Fun tidbit: there is another procedure where the embryologist would take the healthy sperm and purposefully place a specific one into a healthy egg BUT before doing so *could* choose the baby’s gender.  The procedure is called ICSI and not used just for gender selection… but holy moly doesn’t science blow your mind.  It’s not something we would do– but others might so I thought I’d add it here.
7. So THAT’S how you ended up with twins!!  It is…but are you ready for this?!  In theory, we could have ended up with quadruplets.  At the time our little babies transferred, they still could have split and then we would have had two sets of identical twins.  We have fraternal twins (two of everything).  See– even with IVF, God is still in control.    Both babies– right there in my tummy at 6 weeks…  They look A LOT different now.
8. What will you do with the other embryos?  You’d be surprised how many times people have said, “AHHH, there you go!  You have your two and now you’re done!”  I was NOT expecting that so soon… like literally the first thing out of some people’s mouths!  This is TREY’S and MY family.  We make the decisions.  God gave us 8 babies… then 7.  and well now after our twins come in March, we’ll have 5 baby embryos left.  FIVE!  Does that mean we’ll use all 5?  I don’t know.  We have no idea what God is calling us to do with them.  I know we’ll try again in the future because when we got married, our plan (hah!) was 4.  But– we also have to wait and see what God does.  Are we done with IVF?  Probably not.  Some couples opt to donate the remaining embryos to science.  Others adopt their babies out to parents who don’t have embryos.  We have no idea what will happen- but we know we’re trusting God just as much as we have every step of the way thus far and respecting that life happens at conception.
9. Wow, so how much did it all cost?  A lot.  But it also depends on how you personally qualify and what you are willing to invest.  I say invest because to us, it was an investment in our family.  We were so blessed that God created road blocks to allow us to financially, emotionally, and even physically prepare for the IVF journey we’ve been on this year.  That said, we qualified for the “healthy baby guaranteed or your money back” plan which allowed us 6 cycles.  For us, we had eight embryos in one cycle; but we had no idea what to expect either.  Outside of that plan, we would have been paying for each individual procedure out of pocket (because our insurance doesn’t support infertility, but it sure does support birth control).  The procedures, ultrasounds, lab work came to ABOUT $21,000.  Meds alone were about $4000.  We also pay a yearly fee to the freezer like a little hotel for the rest of our babies to hang out.
10. Was it worth it?  Absolutely!  This is what we have been praying for.  Granted it’s like we bought a third car– but to be trusted with children to raise into God’s kingdom?! There’s no price you can put on a better opportunity; this we believe whole heartedly!  Was it worth the waiting and struggling as we watched countless friends do it for $25,000 less than we did?! That’s a different story, but still yes.  And that’s why our infertility tribe not just needs you… but beckons your support.   
    • We found that some of our friends knew we were going through this journey but didn’t know how to acknowledge us or “it” and so they ignored our fight all together.  INFERTILITY IS A MEDICAL DIAGNOSIS.  I would never compare it to something as terminal as cancer– but it’s painful and we we’re grieving the death of a dream that we’ve had since we were kids.  We had one, ONE couple (aside from our pastor and his wife) who checked in with us regularly every step of the IVF way.. and they were pregnant at the time.  Not only that, only a handful of family members outside of our parents kept up with it.  Don’t ignore it because you are uncomfortable talking about it or because you don’t know how we’ll feel.  For us, we loved when people asked us about the process because it allowed us to be open and share how God was still working.  If you’re not sure, then just ask.  For me, I’d rather have friends and especially family be real than to be tiptoeing or worse yet ignoring.  And speaking of ignoring- DON’T ever be the friend who announces your pregnancy on facebook without calling first as if you just “forgot” that your friends/family were in the middle of their own personal hell.  I can’t stress this enough.. quite honestly, this was always the hardest for me because though I shared in their joy, they never shared in our pain.
    • Have empathy.  Though they might not have asked about it every step of the way– I had a lot of friends who sat through my anger after each disappointment.  They gave hope by just being there.  They never said “It will happen when you least expect it” or “stop trying so hard,” or “maybe you should try Clomid.” But there were other friends who did.  That was really hard to hear, especially when we had already tried everything and now had $25k invested in it.  DON’T BE THAT PERSON.  Hold onto the hope when they can’t but for goodness sake, keep it to yourself.  Be angry when they are angry.  Be sad when they are sad.  Instead say, “that sucks!” It really went a long way for us.  Repeat after me, “I will not give unsolicited advice!”  That includes “My friend’s sister’s husband’s cousin did IVF and it worked when she….[fill in the blank]” Hopefully if you’ve made it this far in the post you know that every infertility treatment plan is different.  Sit with us in our moments.
    • Don’t exclude.  One of my friends knew we were in the midst of egg retrieval when she had her baby shower.  She invited me anyway which I was SO happy about because my joy for her family was never extinguished… but she was also super understanding months later when I told her I couldn’t muster up the strength to go and put my envy aside.  We’ve become a lot closer this last year and I know it’s because of how honest we’ve been together and how understanding and inclusive she has been even now, on this side or our infertility journey.  One more thing.  You can be sensitive to the infertility world even when interacting with strangers.  I read this book, Hannah’s Hope— AMAZING by the way and a MUST read if you or someone close to you is battling infertility.  Here’s something I learned, yet didn’t actually realize.  Don’t assume that every woman in her late 20s and every age thereafter has children.  A simple small talk question like “Do you have any kids?” can be so painful.  I didn’t always feel the exclusion in that question, but you better believe that when I did, my sass came out with a response like “Actually, we’ve been battling infertility for a couple of years so, no.”  Two things I learned in a response like that: 1-infertility really is a taboo topic because talk about shutting the small talkers up and 2- there are kind ways to put people in their places.
    • Tell the guys that they are strong too.  Ladies, has your husband ever fallen apart when they’ve seen you at your worst?  They may be physically strong, but to have been created to protect us and serve us– it’s truly an identity crisis when it’s out of their hands.  For the men to survive through infertility is just as important as it is for us.  It’s so sad but in the process I saw so many lost and forgotten dad’s and it broke my heart… it also inspired me to listen more to Trey, and to be there for him too…just as I was expecting friends to be there for me.  On Father’s Day, one of the elders in our church asked all the dad’s to stand.  Trey said for the first time in our 2+ year journey, he felt the exclusion I’d been feeling.  The guys feel it too!  Don’t let them.

If you’ve made it this far, you deserve an award.  I realize that I probably should have split this into two separate posts, but I’m too excited to move past the infertility stuff for just a minute so that I can finally share our awesome vacation photos from South Dakota.  Nevertheless, I know this was an important post to do after the responses I had last week.  Feel free to bookmark this page, or even share it!  Remember the 1 in 8 statistic and know that there are SO MANY who need the support of someone who has walked a similar path.  Ours is a story I am happy to share again and again if it means more people have hope.  Additionally, don’t take for granted what a great friend you can be with better preparation too.

You’re good people and we love you for it always.  See you next week when I tell you about our vacation, our little ones… AND how we revealed their genders to our parents and South Dakota family.

A little teaser for you…

I looked down and saw this:

…and I couldn’t help myself.  “This” becomes more real every day.  As excited as we are, I’m still really struggling; forget the fact that I already suffer from extreme anxiety.  But we’re still heartbroken.  Don’t get me wrong, we couldn’t be more happy that this has finally happened for us, but there are still so many who are still walking the inconsolable pain that we came to know VERY WELL.  And to be honest, that’s why we decided VERY early on (pre-pregnancy) that we would not go public when it finally happened.  Buttttt…. my mother-in-law really, REALLY wanted to share.  And my birthday had family members hinting on my Facebook page.  And re-answering the question of “When will you put it on facebook?” was getting old.  I guess maybe that’s why we decided I’d instagram it instead….??  Maybe.

The thing is, we truly believe that God chose us for this journey to be a voice.  You can read about that here.  There isn’t a moment that goes by that I don’t see my bump and pray hard and long for every couple I know that is in their waiting.  And I guess that’s when it hit me yesterday… just because “it” finally happened for us, we were never sanctioned to silence in the process.  Now more than ever, our voice can be heard.  And it has been.  If our 100 something “likes” spread the word, then to us, it was worth it.  And now our prayer is that our 1 in 8 friends would feel that same support; that they would see Hope in the bump.

I clearly remember seeing the bump photos of our acquaintances, our friends who knew, even our own family– and it was the darkest, most toxic feeling I’ve ever experienced.  In my mind they were selfish, uncaring, even ignorant of the pain it was causing us.  Trey and I got in a huge fight because he lied (by omission) about some friends… apparently he knew for months but was trying to “protect” me and decided not to tell me.  I have the most perfect husband in the world, but Lord knows, even the bravest warrior can’t protect an infertile woman from these feelings.  If you’ve never walked the path of infertility, consider this your pass for not completely understanding, but also consider this: acknowledgement is the kindest, most selfless thing you can do (at least it was for us…) and I think others too.

When we decided to go public after all, we did so with this in mind…. ACKNOWLEDGEMENT.  A few months ago, at the start of IVF, I reached out to every woman and couple I knew on the same or a similar path to ours.  I had a million times the hope then compared to the hope I had at our last transfer; I wanted to be intentional when our day came and tell each and every one of them…personally.  I really tried to.  Trey did too.  We stuck to it, from the moment we had our first blood test.  I didn’t want to wait.  Partly because I knew we needed every prayer and good thought imaginable; but more so because we had a glimmer of hope–and I wanted that for them too.  That’s been every prayer since.  EVERY.SINGLE.PRAYER. since.

Lord, please just give them HOPE.

When I say I’m really struggling this is why.  It’s like I’m jealous and broken {of us} and our happiness… on their behalf.  Please don’t misread that– not every infertile woman is jealous or worse yet “broken.”  NO!  We’re a tribe of strong heroes.  But our hope– it’s like each passing announcement is digging away leaving little pieces of our hope behind.  And that drowns me– even still.  And even still, we’re overwhelmed with JOY.  What a strange dichotomy that I might never fully understand.  I would be lying if I didn’t tell you this: me… more so than Trey (though probably by just a smidgeon), wanted to hide our joy from the others “to protect them.”  See what happened there.  God spoke and said, that wasn’t fair.  And it also wasn’t what He intended when He gave us these strong voices.

So….if you missed the public announcement– I’m publishing it here.  Our goal wasn’t ever to rub our joy in your faces… but to rub a stronger and more intentional hope.  So if you read it, please read it again… only this time– meeting our intent.   PS. My husband? –he did a brilliant job.

Nicole and I are beyond thrilled to share the news of the newest additions to our family. We have tried from the moment we were married to grow our family and over the last 2 and half years we were unwillingly forced to become a statistic. We are 1 in 8.  1 in 8 couples suffer the pain of infertility.  While we have so much joy, we still face so much heartache knowing all too well the pain that our announcement may cause others.  It’s the same pain that we felt for a very long time, and a pain that some have known for even longer.  We even silenced our own parents from excitingly sharing our news to be sensitive to others.  So please, don’t just look at this as another pregnancy announcement, but as a chance to learn about the 1 in 8. We ask that in the midst of your gladness for us and the twins we will meet in March, that you remember the others too. Pray for us, all of us.

I posted something on my photography page too:

We’ve debated for a long time about sharing our news publicly with the purest intentions to not cause any more pain to so many who we know that walk through a similar valley.  In the end we decided on HOPE because those of you who have known our struggles have given it so freely to us, and we want to pay it forward.  SO BEHOLD, our very own little miracles growing every day, a little more.  Let this be our message of hope.  A hope to our other 1 in 8 friends that your miracles can happen too, and a hope that you, the other 7, will learn a sensitivity and a deepened awareness to the disease of infertility.  It’s not a bad word and it’s okay to talk about it.

I don’t know that this post has a real purpose.  I mean obviously a purpose to coach the *fertiled*.  But I think there’s so much more to it, so much more to learn.  Like for example how infertility IS a DISEASE.  And how for TOO LONG it’s been a taboo topic.  1 in 8!  Think of eight friends– one of them (maybe it’s us) knows this pain… And I’m hoping you have more than eight friends?  If you do, chances are you know more than one who knows this pain.  Isn’t that insane?!

It’s not any different than being sensitive to a friend who has celiac disease, or fibromyalgia, or lyme.  So be there to acknowledge their hopelessness to give them the hope we all so desperately need and want!  And if you don’t know how to– don’t worry I’ll be addressing that in my next post…… to come…soon-ish.

In the meantime– don’t call this (down below) our bump.  We’ve decided to call her our Hope.

total transparency here- behind the (clean or dirty??) bra, the make-up, the baby powder and hair dryer, we had our first real sighting of our tiny hope at 9 weeks.

In this particular instance, I really want to change the sign behind me to read, HOPE BIG…at 10 weeks. Ps. I wore this romper on Sunday and I had a choice between major cleavage and major camel toe.  It’s now in the back of my closet.  Pps. Trey can’t believe I just wrote “camel toe” on the world wide web.

If there was anyone to give our babies their first kiss, I’m so glad it was my Sheree-ree.  11 weeks and slowly surpassing the “is she fat(ter) or is she pregnant?” stage.

This picture might be my most favorite picture of Hope yet. I babysat these humans–all 4 of them. And that kid on the left… I knew him when he was in his mama’s womb. Blessings come two-fold.  I totally get that saying now.

12 weeks. Trey doesn’t like the way he looks in this picture… and to be honest, I don’t like how I look either… but Lord–if we didn’t know His presence before, we sure did after being in the most beautiful place on earth, my South Dakota.

and today. 13 weeks and another sighting of our HOPE and another unceasing prayer for my tribe of warrior brothers and sisters.  

I listened to this song while I was writing today… and as part of the hope I’m sharing, these words for you too: The sun, it does not cause us to grow.  It’s the rain that will strengthen your soul; it will make you whole.  We have lived in fear and our fear has betrayed us.  We will overcome.

These are the days of our best life yet.  I was talking to our friend a few weeks ago about how parenthood can sometimes be like marriage.  I wouldn’t know because I’m not entirely there yet.. but the parts that stretch us further than we ever thought we could be stretched… the patience that tries to sink us deeper than we can swim, the triumphs that make us prouder but not until we’re on the other side… all part of these glory days that God has ordained in the midst of His great creation.  And so again, that’s why I say we’re living out best lives yet.  That- and we are currently somewhere in the middle of Nebraska and Virginia completing a 10-day road trip across my HOME.  side note but only because I know he’ll say something otherwise-Trey is quick to remind me that he is my home… but to be honest, I don’t actually feel that as strongly as he does UNLESS, we’re in my “home” with the rest of my family… in Letcher.  I’ll write more about that soon.. believe me, I’ve got TONS of pictures to share but for now just this other one in the story of

when marriage meets parenthood…

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I have spent months, chatting up with so many of you lovely people.  Not just the routine “hi’s” but intimate conversations that have allowed me vulnerability and every time we hear words like “Your story [fill in the blank]” our hearts do some sort of humble yet glorious dance in thanks that God chose us for this journey.  I used to read this verse in James about pure joy in the midst of trials, and laugh.  That was until you all.

I think this is where my friend would compare parenthood to marriage; the way that things just suck so badly, you have no choice but to laugh (and find the joy somewhere in between)!  Track with me- it’s like sharpie marker on a white sofa that you know you’ll never be able to remove or get out but you know you have to keep the joy because Jojo is still your kid, and gee golly she’s cute!  For us, it’s this infertility that tests your our patience for a bigger plan as we sit buried in question after question, doubt after doubt hoping at some point we’ll come out of our own “white sofa” but still keeping the joy because we KNOW there IS a bigger plan.

It’s the disappointments and “oh no’s” where all you can do is laugh!  And this we know well.  In a moment of insensitivity and guardedness, I snapped at Trey a week after our last transfer.  “Trey- why did you pray for our babies… you know if they didn’t actually implant, they’re dead by now.”  I laughed, but the patience and joy of marriage (much like I assume we’ll come to know in parenthood) superseded as my terrific and VERY understanding husband hid his hurt feelings in some welled up tears and placed his faith and hope a little deeper in our God because at the time I couldn’t.  Thank you God for Trey!  And here we are, 11 weeks later.  And thank God because I’ve found my joy again.  11 weeks and 5 days later.

Almost 12 weeks.  In case you’re wondering that’s somewhere around 75 of my big-butt-shots, 2 pregnancy tests (because clearly the first one couldn’t be right), 3 blood tests (just to make sure), 1 really awful night of what “they” call “morning” sickness (whoever “they” might be… “they” are wrong, by the way), and 4 ultrasounds and 1 really cool chromosomal test (more on that later).  ALLLLL to find out that after 2.5 years of infertility, the best way God could ever teach us about that “joy in the midst of trials” stuff I was just talking about, would be to entrust us with twins.

Behold you guys!  The Happily Ever Bresslers are adding TWO to their nest.  TWO!  Do you think that’s one for each year of infertility?  Or just double the blessings because of my husband’s noteworthy and very joyous faith that carried us out of that low valley of sharpie markers on white sofas?  God really did hear us (AND YOU), and now, we’re having twins! (p.s. in case you were wondering why I look a little larger than 11 weeks and 5 days, it’s because TWINS)

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I told my brother first.  Though we hardly talk any more, I feel stupidly connected to his sensitive side that in my mind brings me closer to my dad.  And then I told my sister-cousin– the one who paved a way for me when I had no idea I’d ever need it.  I texted my cousin who walks a parallel heartache, and along with her all the special people we’ve met along the way who are still walking their own heartaches and desires with a bravery that only we “get to” know.

BTW- my in-laws, and my mom, and my south dakota-mom all found out when we did.  The conversation went like this “Well, the doctor heard a strong and healthy heartbeat….” (insert screams and tears) “…and then she heard a second!” (insert louder screams and tears).  This all might sound familiar to you because it’s also how we told each one of you that has prayed on our behalf, reached out with sincerity and truly believed when we couldn’t, that our day would come.

We’ve been amazed at all our friends who have unknowingly said the same thing, “OH MY GOSH, I have goosebumps and I’m crying!” LIKE- for us!  What have we done to ever be so deserving of your love and support.

But there will be miracles.  There are miracles.

—

There’s a passage in Scripture that for forever– like since I was 15 that I’ve read and reread, and reread again with such amazement at the power of God within… and I need to share it with you.  Mary is newly pregnant with Jesus and she goes to visit her sister Elizabeth (also pregnant). At the sound of Mary’s voice Elizabeth’s baby leapt in her womb; and she (Elizabeth) was filled with the Holy Spirit (Luke 1:39-55).

I get it now.  I totally get it.  We sat at our last ultrasound, tears of joy streaming down our faces as we watched our children “leap” in my womb.  Their little arms and butts wiggling like dancers, and I could FEEL God’s power within me telling me that I’ve been healed.

Maybe this passage had been preparing me for that ultrasound day all along…?  Because somehow it came so naturally and I did what Mary did; I prayed a silent but VERY JOYOUS prayer that sounded so much like hers in that moment with her sister.

My soul magnifies the Lord and my spirit has rejoiced in God my Savior.  For He who is mighty has done great things for me, and holy is His name.

There will be miracles, and here is ours that we’ve found in the joy when our own marriage met parenthood.

—

There is so much more I want to say.  So much to fill in the gaps that I know so many of you are begging to know.  And I promise I will in time.  Trey wanted to wait to post this as long as we could which I completely understand.  And for those of you (THERE ARE A LOT) who have kept it a social media secret, we are so grateful!  We’ve tried so hard to be respectful to those that are in their own “sharpie on a white couch” moments.  I said earlier on as we’ve publicized our infertility journey that I would only share here to be sensitive to A LOT of people we knew before and that we know now because of our choice to be open… but I also know that in our quest to be personal we can’t possibly be 100% successful, so please, a gentle, subtle reminder to only comment here (and also if you want to know more, be sure to subscribe).  Please don’t be surprised if I delete your comment from my Facebook post.

We love you all!  We are thankful for you ALL!  AND we love these sweet and very healthy miracles.

It’s hard to follow our last post… did I say “ours?”  Oops… clearly I meant Trey’s… To be honest, following that is a little intimidating.  His transparency is something I embrace… something I love more about him each and every day.  And while this space has been mine for sooooo many years, sometimes forgotten, other times ignored, I feel like he completely revived it, hitting it wayyyy out of the park… and now, you all have to settle back in, with me.  So….I’m going to give it a shot to bring so many of you up to speed because you have overwhelmed us with your friendship and love throughout this journey.

As a gentle reminder, please do not comment on Facebook.  We strive very diligently to be sensitive to some of our friends who are walking a similar path and we know from personal experience the wrestle of heart drops and envy, woven among the thin, delicate threads of joy for friends when anything “baby” is posted.  We fight so hard not to let our own journey interfere with our friends, but also… we’re human.  (I’ll post more on that some other time…)  But for now….

I didn’t sleep last night, nor the night before.  And the night before that, it hurt bitterly to lay on my back because of the bruises that are slowly taking form as they voicelessly tell the story of our pregnancy (until proven otherwise.)  That’s infertility terminology for PUPO.

I. AM. PUPO. (for a second time).

This time in some ways easier than the first, and in many others, harder too.  We had every intention after the first FET (that stands for Frozen Embryo Transfer) to post here for our team of prayer warriors both near and far to stay an integral part of our journey.  But the emotions and the stress and all of the “what if’s” circling my mind forced us to hold the news tightly within our inner circle.  But we knew surrounding it all, that our God is still in control, whether you knew or they knew, God is still in control. 

…so when our first pregnancy ended up being “proven otherwise” my natural response was, God is in control.  A shrug, a hopeful smile, and an aching heart that internally fell apart was not far behind.

05.02.18

When we had our first transfer on that sun-shining May day, I wore this shirt.  Because through it all, we’re still so blessed (and because I was eating bread and cold cuts).  If you missed it someplace along the way, we stick to a paleo-diet at home.  At some point I will start posting some really cool staple recipes.  I digress…

We are still so blessed.  We arrived this far, all by God’s grace, to transfer LIFE into my belly.  If you know us, you also know that we are strong believers that life begins at conception… and so guys, up until this point, we had 8 lives depending on us.  8… when during our darkest, quietest, most personal moments, have felt like we might never have any.  BUT EIGHT.  What a BLESSING.  That’s all God and science!

We cried when we saw our little embryo for the first time.  We held hands and prayed a really hard prayer for God’s will to be done.  And when we watched on the screen as our baby fell into his safest home, I felt the mom in me start to unravel this deep, deep love that some of you already know.  My voice cracked as I said “there it is!” because the intensity of that kind of love came crashing so hard on my heart.

Yet, when we got home, I was guarded.  I hid that love someplace.. and stuck to the whole “take it easy” stuff, mostly.  And as our “waiting days” grew longer, I again felt the blessing God was giving me; I knew.  I knew every cramp was telling me, “not yet.”  And so when the nurse called 4 days later, the shock of her “I’m so sorry” felt less intense.

I’ll share what was intense; my dear, sweet, friend telling me, “I’m so sorry for your loss…because Nicole, it’s still a loss.”

I skipped a baby shower that weekend; something I told myself I would never do, but did anyway.  I did the ugly cry when a relative announced her own pregnancy; something I told myself I also would never do…but did anyway.  People say this journey is one for the strong, not the weak… some how there are days when I feel more “the weak” and definitely less a part of “the strong.”  And those were “those” days; the days when if I relied on nothing else, it’d be God’s Word telling me THIS.

You’re blessed when you’re at the end of your rope… With less of you there is more of God and His rule. (Matthew 5:3, The Message)

Less me, more God.

That’s where our beautiful Spiritual Healing has taken over.  We’ve been attending the church plant that I’ve previously mentioned, and God speaks.  Every Sunday, He speaks clearly and loudly, and He’s moving in Mom; I can hear her worshipping Him again and so tears fill my eyes as I worship Him with her…  And with less of me, there is more of God.

He teaches me to keep trusting Him (actually, using so many of your voices).  We’re still blessed!  We have 7 more lives depending on us.  And once again, I am PUPO.

As with everything else, we toyed with the idea of being open… like, would you all really want to know the intimate status of our pregnancy?  Guys, even if you didn’t want to, now you do.  To be honest, the countless inquiring for our latest updates, the kind thoughts, and the MANNNYYYY prayers sent our way gave us a really easy answer.  DUH.  Why wouldn’t we be open about this too?!

07.06.18

This transfer day was a little different, but I did still eat bread and cold cuts.  I still held my husband’s hand tightly as we were introduced, once again, so closely to our babies.  But I didn’t cry the intense tears of love for my children.  I cried some precious tears for my dad.  AND HOLD UP- I know it seems wrong on so many levels to be thinking about my dad while making babies… but I feel him so closely with me this time around…  I do.

He promised me, outside of theology obvs., some really great babies.  He promised to be with God, to make sure we really did get the best, to even ask if he could hand-pick them so we’d have only girls.  And for some reason, that’s all I’ve clung to this time around.  I haven’t slept the last few nights because I miss him really badly, like the freshness of his death has come all over again.  But I don’t cry in front of mom; Trey holds me, mascara stains my pillow, and I hug the sweater of his barely-there scent that lingers.  Yet the only hug of comfort that has a chance of working is my baby who got to spend even a small bit of Kingdom-time with dad.  Does any of that make any sense to you…..at all?!?!?  Me neither.

There’s one thing that does: who God has proven Himself to be, and how He has continually beckoned us to fall flat on our faces in trust and praise every day throughout the battle of despair and hopelessness, has built me to be the strongest version of myself (and for the record, I think my dad would have been really proud of us).

Beholding these gracious moments that God has blessed us.  P.S. you know this is because of your prayers, right?

pps. also beholding the hope that my husband never fails to bring to the table…err… stirrups.

So here we go…Currently I am sitting in the waiting room as Nicole goes into surgery to retrieve what we pray will be a lot of healthy and viable eggs (if you don’t know what an egg retrieval is, it’s a procedure where a needle goes through my wife’s cervix to reach her ovaries to find some eggs.  Guys- if you want to empathize, image a needle going into your favorite man part for some boys… yeah.)

It feels like I have been doing this a lot lately; sitting and waiting and empathizing as best as I know how.  Sitting there watching her cry as she takes all these hormone injections..well standing actually while I am giving them to her but in reality, it feels like I am sitting in the stands and she is doing all the work.   I spend the other time waiting; waiting for the injections to work and waiting to start the family we so desperately want.  But I know and trust with all my heart that God has a plan for us and will give us that family in his time.  Knowing and trusting a God that has been so faithful to us has gotten Nicole and I through this difficult time.  Our families and friends (those who know) have been very helpful as well.  So I thank you guys!!!

I didn’t know much about infertility a couple years ago but have really learned a lot.  I mean, when you think about it, what man does (outside of an OBGYN or an RE–guys, that’s code for reproductive endocrinologist, something I actually just learned today)?  I am so amazed at the strength and determination of my wife and all the other women who struggle.  I find it takes a special person to fight this battle.  I say it takes a “special person” because they not only have to deal with their infertility but also listen to and hear people (friends and family included) saying “it will happen when you least expect it” or “just enjoy having sex” or “you are still young” all of which seem to crush my wife in her own silent way because news flash: THIS IS A MEDICAL DIAGNOSIS.  Believe me, and even though my mom is reading this and probably already crying, we do enjoy the sex!  But I repeat, this is not a “wait and see” situation, it is a medical diagnosis.  While I know people are trying to be supportive and I appreciate that, it is difficult for not just women to hear, but the guys too.  If I could, I would gladly take this burden from her a hundred times over.  It’s hard for us guys to sit and watch our women’s hearts drop over and over again at the miseducated and uninformed “knowledge” of infertility and this struggle.

But man, I’d be lying if I didn’t say infertility sucks!  It sucks because like I already said, a lot of people don’t understand it and it’s not that they aren’t sympathetic..it’s that they don’t realize the affects of their words at all in these sensitive situations.  When Nicole decorated our room, someone took one look at it and said, “Why can’t you make a baby in here?!”  It’s not the motive of people that hurts us, but rather the kind ignorance to the pain of infertility.  But I was one of those people a few years ago too..so I can’t fault them.

I sit on these sidelines witnessing in amazement the number of “special” women that go through this alone.  It really has been amazing (and not in a good way) to see so many who are going to appointments alone and a lot of times I am the only man at these clinics.  We know that my job is a huge blessing because not only do I have the freedom to attend every appointment, every day, but I also have a supportive boss who tells us he is praying for us all the time.  I don’t say that to get a pat on the back, but rather to say that men NEED to find a way to step up.  God teaches us that marriage is sacrificial in every way– if He’s calling you in the most blatant way, this is how.  It doesn’t matter what the infertility diagnosis is, we are in this together and it should come natural for us to be there with our wives.  It’s a non-negotiable.

Ok..I’m getting off my soap box.

We have been blessed with so many nephews/nieces and many other kids through our volunteering time at CPC and other churches.  We really are blessed to have so many young hearts in our lives.  We thank God all the time for the opportunity to love each of his children so sacrificially.  But for the first time ever, I am going to be honest and say, that is not enough.   And I haven’t even told Nicole that!  I want to be a father and share my heart with a son or daughter.  I want to play catch and watch the Cowboys with my son or watch my daughter play with barbies as she grows into a beautiful young lady.

I have strong faith in the Lord and I try to lead us with every fiber of my being into a stronger relationship with him, but I’d be lying if I said I haven’t screamed at him a lot over the past couple years.  Nicole and I have both cried many tears and asked him “why us” or “why would you deprive two faithful people who have such a strong heart the opportunity to raise a child into your kingdom!?!?” But having such a foundational faith, we know that we are going to be parents someday.

We also believe that God has chosen us because he knows how strong we are and wants us to be a voice for infertility.  I’ll admit when she shared this peace she was finally realizing, I wasn’t excited about going “public” in this realm.  But to see the outpour and impact that Nicole’s last post and Instagram stories have encouraged, I know we can no longer be quiet about our sad hearts.   I don’t know exactly how yet, but I will no longer be quiet about our struggles or journey because it needs more voices.  Maybe that means I’ll be making more appearances here.  Maybe it means I’ll be telling all the expectant and struggling dad’s I know to “be there.”  What ever it is, I vow here, to all of you, I will not be quiet!

I said it before and I’ll say it for the rest of my life– infertility sucks but there is no one else I would rather do it with.
Have I said how amazing my wife is?!?  She has been carrying this infertility monkey on her back for a while and still has time to operate a successful business (public thanks to Erin even though I’m still the BYP CEO), run our household, take care of me, grieve Robert’s death, and very easily transitioned into taking care of her mom amidst family strife.  She really is superwoman!  We may cry and scream in sadness, but we love each other and love and trust our God.  I wear a bracelet on my wrist everyday with my favorite Bible verse: Philippians 4:13 “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” God has chosen us to walk this road and I can honestly say that I am stronger today than I was yesterday or the day before because of it.  HE is and always will be there to guide and shape my life, our lives.

I wanted so badly to take a picture with my bad-ass, over achiever wife when she came out of the procedure. She said “But, I don’t feel like smiling.” I do, because I’m really proud of her, all the time.

We’re home now and she’s resting while I finish this up.  God gave us 37 eggs and for the record, my wife has the most beautiful ovaries I have ever seen (not that I’ve seen any others but still, those are some gorgeous ovaries).  But yes, I said 37 EGGS!!!!  I did say that my wife is Superwoman, right!?!?  But because I know some couples might not have 37 eggs in their retrieval, I want to be sensitive to you and call you superwoman too– it only takes one.

I want to end with this.  Please continue to pray for us and pray that Nicole will recover quickly because she is in A LOT of pain and still at risk for some complications as a result of being an overachieving egg producer; I guess that crazy paleo “lifestyle change” she has us on really has been working.  Please pray that those eggs will be mature enough to fertilize and leave us with some beautiful, viable babies (or as science calls them, embryos) so that we can implant when God says it’s time.  And guys- step up.  It doesn’t matter if you’re battling infertility or not.  God gave us these gifts in our wives, find some ways to love them a little more than you already do.  Our marriage has grown so much because of it!

Love you guys and thank you for allowing me to bomb Nicole’s page   This was pretty cool….maybe I will write again soon!

Signing off for now,

Trey (aka the Leader of the Happily Ever Bresslers)

We’ve gone back and forth in deciding what to share here concerning our infertility and the short journey of adoption.  But before I get into all that we’re still happy… and that is so important to say.  We’re more in love today than we were yesterday, more now than when I started this sentence.  And I think what brings us through these moments, still “happy” are the long nights of bonding spent on a hard floor in the depths of our sorrows and longings watching those around us start, even complete their families.  Tears have puddled and this lesson remains: strong and broken all at once, but still happy.

We are faithful– and that more than ever is important to say because we still BEHOLD God’s love through the questions and misunderstandings of “why us?”  And if any good comes from this– it’s this, stay His.  Be His.

When I last wrote, we were settling into a peace that was slowly walking us through all the grief surrounding my dad’s death.  We were excited to know that joy would be coming… and we were anticipating the “next steps” in our adoption journey.  Side note: we have these really awesome friends who were so kind to share their pregnancy news with us personally.  Guys- that makes a difference.  You never know how much until you do.  So to them- this is our public thank you.  But I want to send them, her, a bigger thank you because of how she taught me to pray through this, “Pray that if this isn’t the road God wants you to take, that he’ll put up blocks; barriers.” And so we did.  She also taught me this: “God answers all prayers.  It’s either a yes, a no, or a ‘not now’.”  And to go into all of this with that has been such a gift.

He answered adoption with “no.”  It very well may have been a ‘not now,’ and that’s okay.  We were expecting to feel that sinking heart we’ve become so familiar with– the same one that comes when we see women complaining about pregnancy exhaustion and overwhelming emotions on Facebook, mom’s saying how tired they are because their children are sick or won’t sleep, and even dad’s sharing stories of their temperamental toddlers.  But we didn’t– that’s how we knew it was from God (p.s. if that’s you, please take a moment to cherish it for us, please… because you’re there, and we like so many others aren’t– and for no fault of our own.. sorry getting off of soapbox now).

A couple quick FYI recaps for you: 1-there is a long wait list for infants in our local area.  2- we only reached out to the local-ish agencies because, well, like I told my besties, “it was like dipping your big toe into the swimming pool before fully diving in.”  And God- thank you for hearing our prayer and answering it like you did, like you always do.

We’ve felt You more.  In these heavy breaths we take in between the 3-4 shots I’m taking each day, we feel our Lord so much more. You read that right, 3-4 shots a day…because in the waiting for adoption answers, we received news that I had been cleared for IVF.

It’s painful– like a lot.  I told a friend that it looks like Trey is taking a baseball bat to my tummy.  And for the record, when I cry from the burning sensations of the shots, he cries too.  And it’s such a beautiful imagery of the parenthood that’s to come: sacrifices for our children.  It’s weird- to know that this kind of pain is normal– that the fact that I can’t stand or sit for too long is “normal” when our bodies are so wired to know that pain = something wrong.  But to know beyond science that this = something right…. keeps us the Happily Ever Bresslers.

We took this picture 11 months into our infertility journey.  I think that was the morning of our 3rd unsuccessful IUI and I can’t help but giggle at our “we’re making a baby today” faces.  When I look at our faces, I still see the Happily Ever Bresslers or maybe better referred to as the Hope-ful Ever Bresslers.  We’re now 28 months into our infertility journey and have added Faithful Ever Bresslers to our list of names.

In the days to come there might be a few more pictures like this one on of our first day of injections.  Clearly it’s a family affair.

For some, it may be a little TMI.  But there’s something so vital in being transparent.  One of the questions I continually ask, is “why us?” Especially when we’ve been faithful in every way we know how.  It’s hard not to compare and wonder what makes us so different that God would choose for us to take this long road to parenthood.  And the only answer that we seem to resort to is that some glory will come of this.  And if that’s the case, then we have no choice but to be vocal about it.  And that’s where I need your help.  Friends, please tell me HOW you envision this bringing glory to God’s name, we want to do it in every way imaginable.  And also friends- will you join us in prayer for God’s will to be done (soon)?

…And one more thing- to have extreme sensitivity to others who walk or have walked a similar road– we’ve decided very intentionally to keep our journey OFF of Facebook and Instagram (aside from sharing when new posts arrive).  That means when this DOES WORK, because we have faith it will, you’ll  find out here.  If you haven’t subscribed yet to our little corner of cyber world, maybe now is the time you would want to… just a thought.  And more than anything if you struggle with infertility, please let me know so that we too can be personal the way very few have chosen to do with us.

…okay, actually two things- in respect for others in my network who might struggle with infertility, please only comment here.  When our adoption news hit and people started commenting (though unbelievably comforting) I feared so deeply that I knew of others whose hearts were sinking into a pit that we familiarly know too well.

peace,

trey + nicole

I thank you, High God—you’re breathtaking!
Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
I worship in adoration—what a creation!
You know me inside and out,
you know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
how I was sculpted from nothing into something.

Psalm 139, The Message

Look who is turning one… Sweet Addie GIRL!  We love you and your beautiful life.  You are fearfully and wonderfully made, given to US.  From nothing into more than just something…

The day you were born, a new piece of my heart was unwrapped.  Tears slowly fell when I saw you take your first breath, the moment I heard your first cry, the moment I felt your hand wrap around my finger.  And a new me was born.

The me that loves in a new way, the way that I too was fearfully and wonderfully made to be yours.  This God-mommy hood is the biggest gift I’ve ever been given aside from life itself.  Your life Addie-girl, is our prayer.  Your life Addie-girl, is our joy.  Your life Addie-girl, is a gift that we reopen everyday we see you smile, hear your trusting cries, your precious giggles, watch you crawl, anticipate your first steps, and hold your heart in ours…

Today is your day Addie-girl.  And we celebrate you.  The joy you bring us, the peace you give us, and the love we’d never felt before there was you.