This post is that post- the one that looks back on the year to count blessings, recall lessons, grieve troubles, smile triumphs… the truth is that this is my life.  And at the end of the day..sorry–YEAR, it was exciting enough.  better enough.  momentous enough.  and perfect too.  Because I had one goal, one word, INVESTMENT.  and I did it.  (and while there were only two posts, there were actually 365 days of commitment…actually a little less than that, but who’s really really counting?)

To be honest those days were long at times, blurs other times, but mine all the time–a choice all the time.  When I started the year off, I was choosing to invest in God the way that he’s invested in me.  If I look at my “one word” from that angle, I failed–and I failed miserably.  and we go back to that search for more excitement, something better, something more momentous, and something more perfect….like a search for something that I’m never going to find.  but that’s how beautiful his grace is and knowing that I’ve invested in Him “enough” to recognize it.   “Flat on my face” honest moment- I didn’t invest in Him (as much as I had hoped).  Maybe that’s the reason for the long delay… but again, “flat on my face” moment forced me to look back and see where the real investment was:

“Does God delight in me?”  Who was I kidding, of course He does.  I am His creation, His masterpiece.  New question: “What is it about me that God delights in?”

The investment was in me.  Truth is– the why’s don’t matter, not to Him.  To Him, really only one thing matters.  That He does.  To me though– I needed to delight in MYself–and know how to in order to really appreciate His delightment.

I got the best BEST text from my friend a few nights ago:

Here’s the deal.  Something good is coming to you either way.  And you’re prettier than you ever were.  And about to graduate from smart school.  Best of all— <edited out because it’s too funny and personal to share>– Boom.  You are winning.

Investing = Wins

More exciting?  I got into grad school.  delightment.

A little better?  I got shoes for Christmas.  delightment.

More momentous?  I have a smaller family.  or is it to soon to post that…sorry was that “mean?” or does it make me “a smart girl?”  That’s one of those “lessons” I’ll write more about later………. conclusion: God’s will unfolding–delightment.

A lot more perfect?  than this love… nice try.  DELIGHTMENT, I love you oh so well.

I may still have a year before graduating smart school.  BUT I invested in my education (by giving a whoollllllllleeee lot of money to GMU).  And I’m smarter.  and more compassionate.  more empathetic.  and hell, the most confident I’ve ever been because of it.

And I’ve invested in my heart.  Cutting out what doesn’t belong, and allowing what does.  That’s my favorite part.

And my legs.  The thighs are like what, what, what… (you sisqo fans will appreciate that).  But I invested.  the time– it was worth setting new PRs.

And my smile.  I just really love it more.  Because it showed up a lot this year.  A LOT.  Look at my life and you in it.

and my love.  I’ve added a lot of loves this year.  and it’s made my heart bigger.  SO BIG!  Investing in these relationships that have changed my life…”Oh, I love you oh so well– like a kid loves candy or fresh snow…I could swear I hear you singing to me…”  So thank YOU… and You.

thanks for being a part of this year.  The investment in me…. one word.  no, two.  in me.  three actually.

I did it.

Peace out 2013.  You’ve been so good to me…and God’s been better. I love you oh so well…

So today, NOW, I do my thing, I love from the core, my soul dances in adoration and I write this passion.  I do my thing, and I wait for Jesus to do His.  I TRUST Him to do His. 

And all God’s people say, We love You.  We love You.  We love You, Lord!  We love You.  It’s the beauty of simplicity that brings me down to my knees.  I’ll praise you for eternity.  I love you, because You first loved me.

—

But before I get to loving, let me hate.  Oh there’s a lot of hate today…

I used to get in trouble for saying “hate”.  My moms all reminded me how strong and ugly the word is.  I don’t take it lightly, and I refuse to waste any energy on hate.  But sometimes, it just fights a good fight.  Let me tell you the things I hate.

I HATE that donuts go straight to my butt.  I HATE that Fossil purses cost $$.  I HATE that my bathroom is a minky color with a green tub.  I HATE that at 5am when I would love to talk on the phone with my best friend, I can’t because it might wake up my parents.  and I really, REALLY hate sleep deprivation due to stress and emotion.

But then– I really don’t.

I LOVE that donuts have a special kind of Friday taste.  I LOVE that Fossil offers a certain retail therapy satisfaction.  I LOVE that my bathroom is mine with that little retro feel okay–there I’m lying, I actually really do HATE IT.  I LOVE that at 5am my best friend will text me for hours because she understands.  I LOVE that my mom is in the next room and I can still snuggle with her through the sleepless nights.

So this morning, this SATURDAY morning, at 5am I woke on my knees figuratively speaking that is…as I let LOVE win over that HATE.  God is drawing me back in with each investment I make in Him.

I’m falling in love with Him all over again.  It’s sweet but far from satisfying because I just want more and more and more.  I woke up yesterday after a much needed nap to hear these lyrics in my heart: “His love is waking my heart to life.”  and THIS is the best Love I’ve ever known.

His Love is deep, His Love is wide, it covers us.  His Love fierce, His Love is strong.  It’s Furious.

Sweet Jesus, give me more.  And as I invested a little more time in worshipping this Love, He did.  In this:

Before they call, I will answer, while they are still speaking I will hear. (Isaiah 65:24)

Be still and know that I am God. (Psalm 46:10)

Because this was all that I could take right now.  Though I so soooo want more, His Love has this way of overtaking us, just enough.  Falling in love this way is painful.  This way, it grips you tightly, and never lets you go.  It’s so painfully good.  Today, that pain comes with a grip of trust.

I am scared to death to death that I will not be accepted into my program at Mason.  I cry when I think about it.  I wake up in cold sweats in the middle of the night dreaming about it.  I question why God would “prevent” me from being accepted…and yes I know how ridiculous that sounds.  Thanks for rolling your eyes.  I laugh at the thought of more failure and not that I need to add this, it’s not a joyful laugh… This is my focus right now and there is nothing simple about it.  Or is there?

I met with Michelle on Wednesday to do life.  This woman needs every word of hers recorded.  My mind recorded just one.  “Trust.”  Yeah, that’s real simple.  It’s the “beauty of simplicity.”

I completed my application today.  More than anything, it’s time to be still and know a God who answers my call before I ask; time to trust.  Trust in this love.  Fall in love with You.  Trust in You.  Trust in Your ways that painfully hold my heart as they write a perfect plan in me.

I’m falling in love with You.

and I just love this: knowing love, writing love, feeling love, cherishing love and being submerged in love.  I love being held in love.  investing in love.  trusting in Love.  oh this love is loud, and it’s mine.

Writing isn’t a hobby anymore. It’s not just my outlet for scattered thoughts and this endless voice.  It’s an opportunity for mission.  A “desire to inspire”.  It’s a passion with dedication.

As last year came to a close, I was so thankful for the past year’s posts and the satisfaction I still feel as I read through them seeing how God was so so invested in me.  And, as last year came to a close, I re-comitted to spending this year recording more investments, more successes, probably more failures, more smiles, more kisses (because that’s just too fun not to share), and of course, no surprise here, more love, every bit of my heart.

I gained a whole “latta enchilada” readers last year and I also lost a few when I played the “I’m getting married card.”  I’ve been humbled and I feel so honored that what once really were just scattered thoughts of this cruising heart turned into opportunities to meet new people, to reach old friends, and to inspire hope.  It was never intended to be a mission, but in God’s timing, it’s become more of a “commission.”

So, as I begin another year of His words in my heart, I decided I need to do more than just write.  I found that I needed to be inspired.  I’ve spent the last few weeks virtually meeting new friends in this crazy, awesome blogosphere.  And oh, OHHHHH have I been inspired!

—

Have you ever heard of One Word 365?  I’ve made enough commitments for 2013 and adding one more really wasn’t part of my plan….until then it was.  Not only was it a chance to “link up,” which is new blogger lingo for me, it was also a chance for me to make a commitment this time not for me, for God.  So you pick one word and join a community that encourages and inspires you to live each day, 365 of them, by it (the word).

INVESTMENT.

That’s my word.  Investment.  Because God has spent my entire life investing in me.  But this isn’t for me–it’s for Him.  I’m mad that I spent most of last year angry with Him (like it was His fault my life was a sham).  I’m really mad that I spent most of last year being stupid and conveniently forgetting what I know in my heart as Truth.  I’m extremely mad that I missed out on the opportunity of knowing Him deeper amidst the circumstances.  But.  I’m also happy.  I’m happy that this here is my chance to invest in Him.  I’m really happy that investing in Him will renew a strength and spirit in my own heart that will hopefully inspire your hearts too.  And of course, I’m extremely happy that this investment isn’t just another commitment, it’s my Life.

It’s not like this word just came when I ran across oneword365.com either.  No, the Spirit’s been moving, because that’s what He does best.  I have this thing for “investing” in clothes….. yeah, and then I was challenged to forget I had them and just wear 7….and then I failed.  I failed in the best sort of ways.  I failed as I fell on my face in His word reflecting on blessings of heels and boots and ballet flats and sneakers and dresses and sweaters as a Mighty Voice reminded me of this:

What matters is not your outer appearance—the styling of your hair, the jewelry you wear, the cut of your clothes—but your inner disposition.  Cultivate inner beauty, the gentle, gracious kind that God delights in.

1 Peter 3:3-4 (The Message)

So I asked myself a scary question.  One that I knew would be answered with shame and and discomfort.  “Does God delight in me?”  Who was I kidding, of course He does.  I am His creation, His masterpiece.  New question: “What is it about me that God delights in?”

Is it my desire to know Him more?  umm… no because that’s been missing.

Is it this exceeding joy?  well, honestly it’s just lately become exceeding joy…

Here’s what it is: it’s the desire to be known as gentle and gracious.  To be changed from the inside out as I get there and meet His steadfast love all over again.  And you know how I’m going to do that? ha… ha….. hah……….

INVESTMENT.  Investment of not just my time, investment of my heart, mind, body, and soul.  For this is so much more than just Beholding Him in a sit, wait, write, watch sort of way….it’s Beholding Him in a “go out and find Him” sort of way.  Anyone have a magnifying glass? Oh wait, He’s already big.  SO BIG.