Lost in the realness of my life now.  I met with a classmate yesterday for an “intake” interview to make an “assessment” about her current state..and mine.  Hah!  Friends, let me tell you about my current state.  The one that I fall in love with more and more each day..and somehow fall in hate with less and less.  I’m busy.  So I schedule sushi dates weeks in advance and last minute movie dates hours in advance, shoe shopping and snuggles with mom minutes in advance.  I schedule a paper between 11:30pm and 6am.  I schedule a run somewhere between sunrise and just after preschool drop off.  I schedule making my bed at 6:22 am.  I schedule hanging my clothes at 9:18am or 9:54 a.m. depending on the day.  And my nails, they’re getting painted in between these words and these thoughts because I have to multitask.  HAVE TO.  I schedule…I schedule… and I SCHEDULE.  My iCal is exploding blue.  But my life is exploding what it’s meant to.

So in meeting with Lindsay, my “presenting problem” was time management.  Ironic because it’s not much of a problem.  It’s just how I get lost in the moment with you–living as though today is the last and no, I don’t just mean that in the cliché form it may come across as.  I mean it in that, my life is too busy NOT to cherish each little moment with you.

YOU, this LIFE-this LOVE!

five mile runs around burke lake.  without them getting lost would take on a much different meaning.  yet with them, getting lost means handling the stresses joys of schedules, schedules, and more schedules.

and shoe shopping.  I think of the three pairs I bought this month, these are by far my favorite.   (The others are navy also, flats from Nine West…and since they were BOGO 50% off, I also got red ballet flats).

THE BATHROOM RENOVATION! click here to get the details and see the after pictures.. still not quite done, but somewhere between the running and shopping and traveling I managed to change that into this!

..while still finding time for this!  Marisa signed up for Amari to do the Marine Corp 1 mile fun run.  I bought her cute running clothes (of course) and the girl conquered.  Strength, Endurance, and most importantly, FAITH to run the race set before us.

 ps. it cracks me up looking at her right shoe… what kind of Auntie doesn’t fix that for her girl?!

My heart melts for this little man.  We get a little closer everyday, what between our dolphin kisses and eskimos and “targuts” runs before or after preschool.  In case you need a translation those would be Starbucks runs…yes, those are scheduled in too.

As was the Great Pumpkin 5k at Reston Towne Center with my two favorite running buddies.  Note: repeated Starbucks (forget gold member, I’m working my way up to platinum).  There’s something so therapeutic about the goofy…

and something so special and therapeutic about being with them.

And as good as it is this scheduling– you have no choice but to crash… after talking the Wendy’s drive thru guy into giving you 50+ chicken nuggets for free while barefoot because those hot cheetah print heels beat up your feet with all those mad dance moves to Daft Punk and Build Me Up Buttercup…

must mean it’s time to recharge.

and then get excited for the next adventure!

because New York City, here I come!

This is Maggie, Katie, and Molly.  I helped potty train them.  And now they’re 16, 17, and 18.  And God knows these are my girls!  Surprising Molly for her 18th birthday was by far one of the greatest surprises I’ve EVER been a part of.  Seriously.  THE GREATEST!  Gosh I love this spontaneous life I lead.

Remember that one time I met Mr. Producer Man (Alex) and flirted with him until the girls had to tell me he was gay?  oops.

Or the time that I complimented Natalie Morales’ shoes and so she took a picture with us… AND thought that I was 18 (and Molly)?  This life makes my cheeks hurt.  

And remember the time that Jill told me to make-out with boys because it’s fun?  Yes, friends, life is SO FUN!

Because she’s a part of it.  Teaching me what it’s like to be a woman, but instilling in me what it’s like to be His woman.

Hey Katie, remember when you were 3 and I was swinging you around and your elbow popped out of joint….yeah, not my best babysitting moment (remember how I was 12?)

those eyes may look tired, but they’re not closing yet.

Remember that part about winning $50 but only taking home a nickel?  I’m coming for you Atlantic City…

Dear A.C., We thought you needed to prepare for us and all our funness.  We were wrong. PS I continually think that God’s gift to me is my twenties when I get to look pretty with a drink in my hand and a high five in the other.

You ate us alive Atlantic City.

but all good fun must come to an end… momentarily at least.

I don’t know if I talk about Jenn enough but she is seriously one of the sweetest women I know… can I get an amen?  She has this gentle soul and this witty boldness that can send me into giggles and tears all at the same time.  and I just really really love her…and the fact that I got to watch her teach as part of an assignment of behavioral observation.  This is getting real friends, I’m going to be a school counselor… wow!

I want to be as peaceful as him.  When the moments get too rushed.  When I’m sleeping in naps and not talking in complete sentences.  When I’m overwhelmed, Lord just quiet my soul.

and then just let me be.

Yes!  Let me be.. with the one who makes me smile, who brings out goofy, and who houses MY COUCH!  Let me be with him, and the POPCORN, and the WINE, and the TV.  and let me breathe vicariously in an apartment that I can pseudo help decorate.

let me just love. let me just love in excitement…

with her.

and with him…

and with no make-up….

as we wait for THIS!

Let me love this girl who got me through high school.

Let me love the real example of family.

that travels halfway across the country to help hang twinkle lights…

they get the preciousness of life.  the moments we can never re-live.

they honor the legacy of life.

and giggle through the silliness of life.

They get it.  and they get us.  so much more than anyone could.

Family is friendship.  And grace.  And a love that sacrifices over and over again for…wait for it, others.

we dance.  and smile.

we stop to be together.

to laugh together.

to commune together.

and to twinkle a fabulous life together.

such a gift we have in one another.

Oh what a gift this is…this one wild and precious life I have.  I couldn’t love it more.

I said this in my Facebook status earlier this month:

It’s like Fall has swallowed up my life and spit out something spontaneously gorgeous and wonderful. #reallyhappygirl

really. happy (and somewhat tired). girl.

October, thank you.

this said after over a month of no early mornings, no classes, no kiddies…and ten days beach vacation, AND a new schedule that gives 30 extra minutes of sleep.  That’s right.  and then my first world tweet was followed by this:

that’s sobering.

and so was my next morning read.  A blog post from one of my best friends as she mourns the all too soon death of her cousin as she faces “that abrupt moment when you switch from planning a wedding to planning a funeral.”

that’s sobering.

Suddenly (though it should never be suddenly), I faced that moment that says “Get over you.  Life is too short.”

So like I do in my dramatic way (which let’s face it-these words are in more than one post), I kick off the covers… I face my day that awaits red stars (those are the misbehaving ones).  The whining, yes on only day two back.  I face brushing out tangles and pulling back into piggies.  I face the words, “‘Cole, you stay at school with me?”

and Lord knows- that will be the hardest thing I have to face until I have kids of my own.  Oh wait #thankfulthattheyletmecallthemmyown.

Those moments when I get to be loved.  Those moments when it’s less about me, more about them, more for Him.  They’re the moments when I stop doing the selfish things that feel good, the moments where I lose sight of what I don’t have, what I want, and cling to the things that have always been right before me.

Last night, Justin told me I cry on a daily basis.  In my head, I responded saying “that’s why you love me though, because this sensitive heart of mine gives.”

So today in the me mood that switched from selfish to selfless, I texted to say, “Fyi- I’m gonna cry like a bad ass after I drop Ethan off at preschool.”

Because when you see this:

My life becomes a little more precious, a lot more cherished.

The bike falls where “I ‘urt my ‘eners” (aka “I hurt my tenders..”) are cried through tears that say “hold me longer, hold me tighter.”  So I do.

Those moments, make these mornings harder though.

I see my morning snuggler board a school bus for her kindergarten day.  I hear my little man’s whines and have more patience through the second grade tempers.  I put a cookie monster back pack on my baby buddy- and I fight the tears that beg for slow motion where I can enjoy his goofy.

but then I realize, this is what it’s all about.  It’s about these gifts.  It’s about these lives.  It’s about putting aside the petty, hanging onto the bond.

and that’s just what nanny loving is.

“Cole, you stay my school ‘ith me?”

He grips my hand tighter.  He fights back nervous tears with his bravery.  He runs into his class room.  And then he looks at me.  Now I’m fighting the tears…again.  It was the montage hug.  A fluttering of memories through his kicking and screaming, through him mistaking green for purple.  Him pooping on the floor.  Him… just… making my heart happy.  And that hug was a choke hold hug.. one that lasted a while longer than others, but still not quite long enough.  It was the hug that said, “Oh baby buddy, I’m ever so proud of you.” and “‘Cole, thank you for being mine.”

and there he went.

Last Wednesday I sat among some of the best ministry partners I’ve ever been so blessed to have.  He’s one:

We sat around a table I familiarly knew over hours of planning, praying, laughing, worshipping, growing, and CPC-ing.  This Wednesday, I hugged the students we once held as children.  I smiled over greatness that developed from goodness….and I. am. home.

Humility has it’s own way of standing strong- of bringing with it a solidarity of faith, an affirmation if you will, that can’t help but bring a sense of pride in the fulfillment of God’s call, His great and perfect will for us and for them.

So here I am.  So proud.

So proud to be at this perfect place in my reentrance to ministry to taste fruit I’ve never tasted…  It’s sweet.  It’s a song that plays on repeat singing, “this is what it feels like to raise pride.”

Look at them.  #neverbeenmoreproudtocallthemminehis  She’s going to be a life changing missionary (oh wait- she already is.  Oh Abs!  You.make.me.a.humble.heart.having.raised.pride.)  and you Ryan- that smile and those hugs, your wisdom… YOUR WISDOM and your words… do you remember sending me off with these (ps. I had to share!):

…you have shown me amazing faith and love. I know that the decision for you to leave was a very hard one for you as it was not really even your decision [big man up-stairs;)] and while i will miss not seeing you i am behind you 100%. Your compassion for missionary work, love for others, and devotion to God has shown me what it truly means to be a Christian.

in case you guys didn’t know… I freakin’ love you.

—

And can I introduce you to him?

His name is Peter– or as I like to call him, Peettttaaar!  (Whom I’ve watched grow into a strapping young and beautiful man of God.)  Some kids tug a little extra hard on your heart.  They start off small- a jab here another one there as they speak a little Truth to you during small group, a little nod during your message, a hug that says “thanks for being there for me” and you see them get it.  The tugs become stronger…But as you raise pride, that tug no longer is from their hands, but from His.  And He opens your eyes through words like these…five years later:

“Nicole, I’m starting to look at my faith as a spiderweb.  I see things in His plans that are intertwined to bring me here, to this moment in time…”

<wiping precious tears from my eyes>  …because he gets it.  This man is a warrior fighting to know God’s heart a little deeper.  I’ve watched him grow- known his struggles, witnessed his triumphs, and I humbly raised this pride.

Peettttaaar! I so proud of you.  SO PROUD.  Because this fierce heart of yours cries mercy and grace.. it teaches love and a worshipful adoration.  This summer, I’ve watched you raise your own pride.  And oh how I long for the day when you too will taste the fruit…

—

But it doesn’t stop there…

There’s Annie.  <sighs pride, has raised more pride>.  Annie and Peter were both some of the sweetest eighth grade students I started with at CPC.  Welcoming and kind.  Annie I hope you don’t mind when I share these words you wrote to me in an email my first week at CPC…

Thank you…I think I really needed to write [that] down to somebody who really cares.  It helped a lot.  Thank you so much!

btw- I have this notebook, I’ve titled it the “sometimes, Nic, you just need some encouragement” binder.  There’s many more emails like Annie’s in here.  But what I love about this particular one is the post-it on top of her message that reads “This is why you’re in it…”

We went from that, this sweet and innocent 8th grader with nothing but love for me to this beautiful woman with a heart that draws in the intense love of others… like these sweet, sweet boys.

One minute I was chaperoning her… and the next, she got to know this whole “raising pride” thing that God gifts and entrusts to us. …and a most beautiful soul in her He embraces.  So do they, our boys.

 Life fast-forwards too quickly.  A blink from this…

to that:

And in most cases I’d say- stop!  STOP growing up…but in hers… I can’t.  Because she was made to raise pride too.

So she does…. and I keep doing it too.

We move our feet to this sweet song that humbly watches a fruit that few are so lucky to taste… We’ll blink and then their feet will sway to the same beat…

raising pride.

It’s a song so sweet—

do you remember my mornings before though?  The ones that moved my feet as they chased the sunrise through a park along foggy water?  Those mornings were mine.  They were followed by muffins, yogurt parfaits, fruit, tea, words, Words.  And oh my friends how I’ve missed them throughout this nanny love.  But here I am…

…honestly though, I must say, the head of a two year old that rests upon my shoulder as I rock reckless affection into his little soul pieces these moments together.  They’re unlocking me, humming something so beautiful, so sweet, so significant.  And I just hold on.

Today, this week has been the most special treat.  It actually started about four months ago when I walked into a garage stuffed floor to ceiling with boxes.  And it continued through Christmas, and little voices that said, “we’re moving!”  Stumbled words said, “me have tommy room.”  and screams that fought concerned tears that asked, “wait, are you coming to the new house with us?”  This morning, before I rejoined my tea and muffin, I guzzled this treat to crumbs.  “Micole!!!!!  You’re here!!  Come see my new room.  It’s pink!!!”  guess what Keri, my favorite color is pink.  I was 24 and my room was still pink…and now it’s purple.  We’re a match, you and I.  “I sleep my own bed, Cole!”  Ethan, please stop growing up and just let me hold you here.  Put your little hands in mine and let’s just hold on.

—

Why am I continually amazed by God’s works?  By the way He is so in love with me through you.  Today, as I sit in the spot that has missed me for four months, yes FOUR!, I blare fingertips that join the keys of a piano through emotion, through finer feelings than I can express.  I blare acoustic guitars  that are accompanied by voices that sing me peace.  And I grip these words tighter than Sasha on a t-bone.

“If God made You, He’s in love with me.”

My life is such a sappy montage I actually love that...  I see three faces standing behind a tall dad named Charlie.  I see a mom that I know is already my friend.  And this family, Jeanette’s family is now mine too.  I hear “Do you like to build forts?”  …and I’m hooked.  The park is fishing to bring me back, baiting me with a morning like this.  But they won.  and I’ll let them win 50,000 times over. Because I hear His song when I am with them.  And I see, God’s just so in love with me through you, my sweetest blessings that have helped bring me here.

So…

So…

So, confession time.  I miss writing.  Where’s my mojo gone, sweet darlings?!  But today it made a special appearance, must be the muffin and tea…  Thank you Words.  You are cherished.  A little gift of gratitude for you, here:

Dear me,

Hold on, would you?!  Hold onto this moment and hear the whispers of this song and of His song.  Live each second in between.  The ones where your feet take you to the sunrise to rejoice a life lives being sung over you.  Hold on while you lose yourself in His love through them, these pieces of heaven.  Hold on, and write these words honey.  Write this love.  Hold on, baby.  This time is so fiercely yours.  Hold on tight.

and since I’m in the mood for letters:

Dear You,

Hold on to me.  And stumble me into more of your creations that sing Your love over me.  Cling me to this mercy.  Hold on, so there’s nothing between You and I but THIS LOVE.  Oh how I love…

peace out, darlings.  and hold on tightly to the creations He’s so carefully loved you with….

peace xoxoxo

p.s. raise your hand if the title of this post made you break out into the Wilson Phillips song…. don’t you know, things could change, things could go your way, if you hold on for one more day, can you hold for one more day… you’re loving me now aren’t you!?

There are days that are okay, days that are good, and then days that are superbly great, butterfly-ie perfect. Take a guess what today was…

It was just okay. It was the morning that makes moms and dads and nannies feel badly after they get the kids off to school. You know, the off days when cereal spills and waffle syrup gets in your hair. Yeah, where you’re *almost*/*not quite* yelling “get your shoes! I’m not going to tell you again! If we miss the bus I am not going to be happy….” and “You are not sick, you’ll be fine at school…” because you know having one instead of two or three is going to be easier…but then you realize they only wanted to be with you. And you feel badly, yet superbly loved. You admit you’d love the extra company that comes with love and snuggles and hugs when you need them most because you feel overwhelmed and confused and even a little bit sad. Instead, you just melt and shed a tear while they’re not looking because they’re just that great and yours for the moment…(“You” really meaning “me”) And *you* GET to love them….so you escape life, escape reality and live as theirs. Oh if there wasn’t yous……

It was a good day with full blown attempts to stay focused and on my mission. Better, in that I gave in to what I needed. I had a moment of me, a moment with closed eyes and a drifting mind traveling to this (see below) as I napped in my spot on MY COUCH. escaping life, escaping reality.

my home…oh it was so lovely….

A sat there in this moment of happiness and remembrance of the best butterflies I’ve ever known as the worlds greatest chef made me homemade hash browns (those are his specialty) and biscuits and eggs and English Tea from loose leafs. Good day, better day this was becoming.

It got greater though. Yes, it really did. I opened my phone to find this!

An opportunity to be a guest blogger for Jordy Liz Blogs. Welcome to my “Tom Cruise” on my couch. No joke. I DID! and then my life changer said this, “Sometimes I wish I could video tape you when you get excited just so you could see how absurdly ridiculous you look and sound…” and then I smiled. and then I got teary. and then I paused life to enjoy the moment with the only person I’d ever want to share “this” moment with. my heart is happy and these tears are good! When I need a friend, he’s just the most perfect, still. “But are you excited for me, really?!” “Well I’m not going to jump up and down like you are, but yes. I have no idea what this means in ‘bloggness’ lingo, but you’re excited so I’m excited too!” And my day was superbly greater.

Greater through the popcorn and middle of the day movie and escape to my “blow everything I need to do off and spend it with you” day. Greater in an awesome embrace with the sweetest blessing of his and the most harmonious and peaceful blessing I see in him. The look of excitement when he saw me, the words “Dad, are we going to do something fun?” “No, you have homework, and so does Nicole…”

and then a familiar song started to play, “Back to life, back to reality….” Butterfly-ie perfect. no really, re-read that without the saracasm, butterfly-ie perfect complete with the flutters of excitement, the movement of compassion and empathy, the ripples of friendship, and most importantly that unique beauty of sheer happiness in the company of superb greatness feeling superbly loved.

THAT was my day. It’s over now. and yes. I do have ‘homework’ that I’m inspired to finish…’soulwork’ too.

here I go. “Can I get a thank God, Hallelujah!?”

—

Jordy Liz is one of the if not the biggest inspiration to me as I committed to one word365. I’m for cereal. Really. Like her, my life is about to undergo some of the most resolute and purposeful transformations. Seriously–this is my life. “change, responsibility, moments, and I want it all to matter.” I want it all to be for Him, I’m invested.

Today though, let me tell you why I’m extra, for realsies OKAY!  Oh… I GET to tell you why….

I am crazy in love with my three buddies.  Today, I looked at Ryan as we sat on the couch talking and had one of “those” moments.  You know, the ones that only mothers and the world’s greatest nanny’s get.  Moment spoke to me, and here’s what she said, “This child here is yours, and you get to love him.”  So I did. and I hugged him and squeezed him and told him I loved him,

————–THIS MUCH!!!—————-

And then I loved him more, and it was something fierce.

So, yes, today, I am okay!

And Keri woke up and I snuggled her tightly under the blanket amidst morning breath and a rat’s nest that we call “Squirrely.”  And then came her surprise, a PURPLE brush.

“Keri, is purple your favorite color?”

<Keri sighs> “Mm-icole!  How many times do I have to tell you, my favorite color is all the colors of the rainbow?”

“Oh…right, sorry!  Well do you like the purple brush?  Because I got you something else purple…”

“Woah, those are feathers… for my hair?!”

<insert world’s most sweetest giggle here>

and today, that made me okay.  extra, specially and delightfully OKAY.

Okay, making french toast with little cough germs spread amongst the batter literally right into the batter because of insistent help.  Okay, with a little spilled milk.  Okay, with sibling rivalry.  Okay, with tattles.  Okay, with smiles definitely okay with those.  and yes even okay explaining that though other kids are saying the f-word on the bus and teaching you hand gestures doesn’t mean say it, do it.  Ryan is six! <forcing myself off of soapbox before I even step on …NOW>

Ethan woke up with the worlds GREATEST bed head.  THE GREATEST.  Oh, I’m mad that I didn’t take a picture.  I was too busy shaking this love off of my leg.  Literally.  I walked around with Ethan <insert some dog’s name that I can’t remember here> attached to my leg.  And I’d look down as he’d look up and we’d smile.

And I’m okay, still.  I’m okay with him coughing in my face (though also throughouly disgusted) as he holds my head in his little cold hands to give me an eskimo kiss.

I really am okay.  Because how can I not be with blessings like these?

This morning we played a game.  It was called “Patend You Are Sleeping”  Can I just say that is so far my absolute favorite game to play at 7:57 a.m.?!  I like that one and the “whisper game”…which is self explanatory.  If you don’t get it….wow….. nevermind.

Some days are loud.  Hah!  Most days are loud…with live reenactments of Puss and Boots and me having to scream over giggles and cries to say “BREAKFAST!  RYANNNNNN BREAKFAST!!!!!” or  “ETHAN, NOOOOOO– you cannot spear your sword into Keri’s butt…” but these last three months between the whisper games and sleeping games, the circumstances have gifted me with a lot of contentment, devotion, and some of the sweetest affection I’ve ever been so blessed to give and to receive.

And it’s all okay.

And OF COURSE I’m okay with all the creativity– all the “pa-tends” and “you’re the mama” and “I’m the cat” even though being mama to cat is about the hardest thing I’ll ever do…..

I’m okay as I sit and read Keri sits and “reads” The Giving Tree and The Berenstain Bears.  I’m okay with her helping me out in this other part of my life.  THIS.  My notes to you.  So here:

“Keri, you are so creative, you should be a writer… write stories….  Did you know I’m a writer?”

“You are?!”

“Yeah!!  Want to write with me?!”

“Do we get to use your ‘caputer’?”

Here’s what I said….

She types slow… but she types well!

My Little Writing Buddy from Nicole Paullin on Vimeo.

my loudness may have overshadowed her adorable-ness…read the transcript here.  and when you do, appreciate the grammar mishaps and smile because a four year old was typing and she was just too anxious to “get it on to the ‘innernet'”   have I mentioned that I love her?!

Be okay with me, because this love is too great.  Stop and love with some vicious love, smile with some intense happiness, and eskimo kiss with a zealous passion.  Be silly, be you.

Go on, snuggle in the morning breath next to you, squeeze your kids whether they’re 7 months or 17 years, and really, love them ————–THIS MUCH!!!—————-.

Let Moment speak to you too, and hear her say, “This child here is yours.  Here.  Now.  And you GET to LOVE!”  So love.