In October, my dad was diagnosed with Stage II Prostate Cancer.  For the past eight weeks, he has been going to radiation 5 days a week.  Today though, he got to ring his bell.  I’m feeling thankful, and lucky.  (Of course blessed too, but some days, blessed is a word that is too often over used.)  I don’t believe in luck.  I believe in the power of God, and His purposes and the ways in which they help us grow.  But today, we are lucky.  “Lucky” as we’re rewarded by Him with good fortune.  Were we unlucky to have an unfortunate diagnosis?  Nope- because in it we’ve found the real blessings….and real faith.

When I moved home in October, we had no idea that “this” was on the horizon.  We had no idea that the biggest scare of our lives was on it’s way into our family.  But what we did know was that this was another chance to enjoy the luck that we find through each other:

The “luck” of being thankful for one another.  The “luck” of worshipping the coming of a King together.  The “luck” to feel snowflakes fall “on our nose and eyelashes” through smiles and giggles and hugs and cold hands, warm hears…  The “luck” that is revealed on a Valentines day card reminding you that you are an answer to prayer, a miracle.  And the “luck” that propels us to trust in prayer for another miracle….

and here we are.  He rang his bell… and we are so lucky to have this good fortune. And it’s done.  We are faithful in a God who holds us close in His hands.

To have a little extra faith, a little more thanks for life, a lot more of an understanding of blessings, oh the power of prayer…

It all comes down to prayer.  I don’t believe in luck, or the stars, or sister, even candles…. but what I do believe in is the power of God and the way people exercise faith through what we are able to see, what we are able to grasp.  Just remember this though,

The fundamental fact of existence is that this trust in God, this faith, is the firm foundation under everything that makes life worth living. It’s our handle on what we can’t see. The act of faith is what distinguished our ancestors, set them above the crowd. (Hebrews 11:1-2, The Message)

Faith in my God.  Not the candle, not the stars, not the “best wishes..” or the “good lucks.”  Faith in God that overtakes the worry, the frustration, the fear… faith in the support of our brothers and sisters… it lives here: in my heart, in my families hearts and though we can’t see it, it’s there.  In all our good fortune, our “luck” it’s there.

So here: let me be faithful about this.  I am surrounded by a great community that are praying for me daily that the end of this roller coaster is near.  “Have you heard yet?”  “When will you hear?”  “Anything?”  “Have you received your letter from Mason yet?”  “Now Love, give me an update on Mason…” “Any word on grad school yet?”

Oh you make me that much more faithful in this church of believers that lift up the ones we love in hope of “luck,” in realizations of blessings, in faith of what we cannot see but in confidence of what we hope know.

I have not been nervous until about an hour ago.  It’s all in God’s hands, there is nothing else I can do… but oh I don’t want to take another detour along this road.  I have confidence that this is where I am supposed to be.  I have faith that God is in control.  But the fear is fighting faith, the peace is starting to fade.  The “luck,” the good fortune still mine.  The “blessings”….. come my way.  again.  It makes me selfish, but sure.  And the human part of me begs for more of You…stay by my side.

I know who goes before me, I know who stands behind.  The God of angel armies is always by my side…

Chris Tomlin, Whom Shall I Fear (God of Angel Armies)

Darlings, soon.  Soon we will know.  And the good fortune of the journey will continue.

I don’t have a special way to end this, but search deep within my heart to know the thanks….thanks.

nic

I’m bored.  No really, so bored.  Like, the kind that is so bad a game of sudoku, words, and tetris won’t come close to curing.  Bored.  Like enough to sit and read until I remember that I don’t really like reading unless it’s the Carebears, Charlotte’s Web, & Jack and Annie go to Camelot for Christmas to my buddies.  Side note: I have now started Mocking Jay 3 times.  THREE TIMES!  I have a shelf full of other books that I’ve read…. ahem…the beginning of and never finished.  I have a stack next to my reading nook that I plan to get to…at some point in my life.  And…I just bought another.  Two.  But no, I can’t read.  No, not when I’m bored………..of course not.  No, not when I actually have the time to….of course not!

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I don’t think I’ve written about it before, though many of you know I have been seeing a therapist since July when I decided to retake control of my life after wild and scattered soul searching and heal.  My dad will probably read this and think to himself “I really wish you would stop wasting your money on that…”  and my mom will read this and say “don’t be so quick to share everything…”  To which I say–my life is in order and progressing because of therapy…and God (Sunday school answer).  Here’s the best way it is.  Oh, and let me also add that when the new year began I decided not to write about the “bad year”…ever.  But this is too good not to at least reference it.  Let me also add that when I started therapy I was so overwhelmed in every aspect of my life, filled with anxiety of the “what’s next” questions and the “how to’s” and the “what ifs” and a lot of “crap, I’m scared…” answers.

In one of our first “meetings” Miki <– (that’s his name) said these words.  “Bored is a good thing.  Work on getting ‘there’.  That’s when you’ve done everything you can in that moment, and you’re just waiting contently.  It’s not bad–that’s a misconception.”  Guess what!?  In the words of Lloyd Christmas, “we’re there!”  Praise the Lord….PRAISE HIM!

I started doing this “to-do” list.  It’s rather special (notes and printables below).  I mean, completely unique from your to-do lists.  ENTIRELY…. NOT!  I started it in December so that by now, today, I’d be so into it that by next week, when school starts, it will be just another thing on my list.  And while some mornings I wake up completely overwhelmed, most nights I go to sleep completely anxiety free.  Last Friday and Saturday and Sunday and Monday and Tuesday… you get it have been those “most nights.”  and praise the Lord!  …again.

I think I was fourteen the last time I uttered the words, “Mom, I’m bored.”  I got to say them for the first time in twelve years last Friday…and again tonight.  YES!  My, my, my, I’m there.  It’s so surprising that I actually forgot what real contentment feels like, like I just cleaned my reading glasses, like my sheets are clean and the bed is made and I just want to lay on it, like the smooth sand right after a wave that washes away the ugly version of your footprint, like the first breath coming out of water when you thought you were about to drown.  Do you get it yet…I figured maybe you had forgotten too..

Here’s what I’ve been reminded of.  Disappointment and discontentment are not the same thing.  Disappointment is a part of life…definitely was a part of mine last year and it just happens.  But discontentment is more because of me, I let it happen.  I sought for more until I couldn’t take it anymore.  I turned to being “me-focused” instead of being “God-focused.”  I chose not to wait on him and His timing just because I was disappointed in it.  WRONG!  WRONG!  Big fat ‘F’ in catering to my spiritual relationship at that point…and I hate getting anything less than an ‘A’.  Right–back on topic.  Stay with it Nic!  

In being discontent, I missed out of the present moments when God was pushing His way into my life.  The me, ME, I preferred pushing Him out…  But He was actively pursuing me, shuffling things around way around, pushing me to make His work in me perfect.  And I missed out on that perfection, until now… because instead of being disappointed, I am bored!  He’s been so deeply invested in me that during the waiting (i.e. my disappointment), that’s where the best investment took place.  Praise God…. yes, again.

Love this.  SO MUCH!

Since ancient times no one has heard, no ear has perceived, no eye has seen any God besides you, who acts on behalf of those who wait for him.”

Isaiah 64:4

I have a new definition for boredom.  I learned it at church in a series called “Rescuing Ambition“.  Too bad I didn’t feel the Spirit’s movement then, but so glad I feel it now!  Ahh Nic!  Stay focused!!

Definition of boredom: hungry for more, content with less.  Thank you Rod Stafford.

Thank you to-do list.  So back to that.  Promise it all ties in.  PROMISE.

I sat in my chair/my nook.  And I looked around my room with nothing to do.  Seriously, nothing.  Every to do was checked off.  Every chore completed.  Every piece of clothing folded neatly and put away (in case you forgot, I have 240+ items).  In all honesty, skip over this part Dad, I had an urge to move, because things were too still.  I sat with this realization of being done for now.  I was suddenly very aware that this is my home for the next two years, and I really wanted to move again.  I felt the hunger for more.  Then I realized what I was thinking and came back down to earth.  I’m trying to stay away from 20th move before 30 (let’s add that goal to the list).  Instead, I chose to be content (kind of) with the “all of the above” nook, and the tiny pocket of space that my bed fits in, the four homes of the Shoe family…it’s less than my two bedroom apartment with the Farmers Market red, and comfy make-out couch, and Michigan Avenue home office, and 21st century bathroom, and walk in closet (can’t forget that!).  IT’S A LOT LESS.  But that’s okay because with less, BECAUSE OF LESS, I am able to feed this hunger for more.  I want to I have my life back.  I’m on my way to changing lives again.  And in the waiting and journey there, I’m no longer disappointed.  God’s doing the perfect thing in me now.    In this waiting, He’s still invested.  How could I, why would I be disappointed?  I’m bored.  Praise the Lord.

MERCY!

no go, be inspired.

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This is by far the coolest app I have ever, EVER used for productivity.  Spendy, but worth it!  It’s called Things.  I have it linked on my four apple devices (did you know yet that I am an apple-junkie?!).  Macbook, iMac, iPad, and iPhone.  Each “check” syncs to every device.  IT’S SERIOUSLY GENIUS!  It even works with Siri reminders.  Genius I tell you!  If you like crossing things off with a pen or don’t want to spend the money, you don’t need the app (unless you want to go hardcore like me and be bored).  Read through my notes and then download the printable.  Fill in accordingly–and feel free to copy my daily schedules!

It looks like this:

I love that I can separate by category and organize repeating events and due dates.  You can even create projects, i.e. GMU application with specific to-dos.

My categories include: Blog, 30 Day Organization Bootcamp (another post another day), Home, Work (BYP), Volunteering (FCC).

My repeating events are the standard unlikeable chores: Hold on to these notes..and don’t judge my cleaning schedule.

• Daily: fold/hang/hamper clothes (because with so many, it really is a daily task), pick out tomorrows clothes (saves at least 20 minutes every morning–and I need that when I am at work by 6:30 a.m.), even medicine reminders, yoga, make bed (for the record, my bed has now been made 27 days straight)!
• Every 3 Days: clorox bathroom counter (you can include kitchen too), 45 minute clean-up where needed (bedroom, office, kitchen, etc) This one has helped to keep my “area” clean since December, #soproud
• Weekly: Spread out the chores so that you’re not overwhelmed!  Sunday-print sticker charts (a work thing), Monday-Volunteer work (a reminder to text my small group girls, review curriculum, etc.), Review weekly projects, goals, and areas, dishes (mom, dad, and I split these. don’t go thinking they only get done twice a week–although sometimes true).  Tuesday- <fill in what’s needed>, Wednesday- Photo journal entries (another post another day).  Thursday- volunteer work, dishes.  Friday-laundry.  Saturday- clean desk, photo journal entries, volunteer work.
• Bi-Weekly (I intertwine these so that they rotate with each other i.e. A weeks, B weeks): Sunday-A-clean car (because often mine becomes a dump of my life), Tuesday-B- dust, Wednesday-A-vaccum, Thursday-B-mirrors & toilet.

Setting up the list is a little time consuming but stick with it.  After a week, I promise, you’ll notice a difference.  Just try!

Begin with the daily, weekly, and bi-weekly tasks.  Here are the cheat sheets:

Dailies

weeklys

bi-weeklys

Next, sit down and think through your projects. (Keep this download handy!)

projects

Lastly, transfer to your to-do list.  This is the MASTER sheet.  You’ll use this every week.  I suggest printing out 4 and working through the month.  This will help you with project due dates and letting you know what is coming up.  Be sure to fill in your tasks that come every other day, or every three days, etc.  There wasn’t a cheat sheet for those.

Master Sheet (to-dos)

email with questions!  ps. how pinteresty am I?!

I have 17 minutes to say goodnight to the worst and best year of my life, to brush my teeth, and to water my dog before I make a run to pick up the pizza for a New Years party that is sure to be the party of the year *righhhhtttt, pun so intended.  and might I add that little cousin just came into my writing zone to say, “you’re still ordering the pizza?  you are supposed to come and vote on my prettiest picture”  the pictures all say “Happy New Year 2013.”  I have additional thoughts that are best left unwritten.  Here I go.  fast.

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and I want to write more.  about me.  about my loves.  about my passions.  and I want to go on talking and laughing and being me with the sassy hair and the 12 year old voice.

“Ummm, Mmm-icole, since you’re 26 and wear grown up nail polish, that means you’re a grown up, right?  Even if you burn our pancakes?” <stumbles over thoughts> “Umm… yeah, Keri, I guess that’s what it means….”

Shoot.  I guess that means I missed the boat on becoming a writer…. <giggles beneath the sound of fingers on a keyboard.> 

I don’t share this a lot, but my mom reminded me a few weeks ago that I rejected a scholarship for writing.  She reminded me that the President of USA TODAY, himself, tried to recruit me when I was only a senior in high school.  and so you know, part of me feels a little bit prideful in sharing that–but today, that’s okay.

ps. I’d like to give a public shout out to my 7th grade English teacher who assigned a lot of writing.  I’m thinking that’s where I got my start.  Miss Million, I still love you.

Truth is, I’m already a writer.  That’s become more and more evident this last year as I’ve recorded every part of my growth, every emotion of my life, and every word of my strength and weakness.  So here I am, Nicole Paullin, the writer.  Darlings, you’ve helped make me that.  hey, thanks!

As I tend to do, I’ve hit the pause button on my life to stop and recollect.  Plus, the year is at a close, and I need to find my lessons here and now because I’m just that determined.  

Here’s what I’ve come up with:

It’s okay to fail.  just be sure to pick yourself up and try again.

“Things” get in the way, it’s okay to not finish what you started out to do.  just be sure to redirect where you need to go to finish.

There is goodness in all things with “badness” even if we can’t see them in the moment.  Look harder (like Simba did right before Rafiki smacked him on the head).  “Ahh yes, the past can hurt.  But the way I see it, you can either run from it, or learn from it.”  

Life goes on.  Go with it.  and smile while you do, because we only have one life to try.

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2013 is 8 days away.  I’m excited.  So excited that I’ve decided to start it 8 days early.  I mean, someone has to continue the Mayan calendar….

Here’s how I’ve started: I’ve created a new look on my blog (and organized it) in prep for the writer in me to go just a little more wild, with pinterest ideas coming out of my ears, with organizing tips that you’ll love, with baked goods that will make this ass of mine and yours a tiny bit bigger but a lot bit happier.

God may be the author of my life, but I’m the writer.

And this morning I write to you with a little Lenny Kravitz in the background, a little The Cure telling me it’s Friday and I’m in love (even though it’s Sunday and I don’t think I am), a little Elvis Costello telling me he’s writing the book everyday.

Nah, Elvis.  I am.  But thanks for inspiring me because,

I’m a woman on a mission in two or three editions.

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My writing nook has changed.  It’s cramped.  But note: the trash tv is turned off and for once, my Smithwicks isn’t pictured don’t worry though, he’s next to me, in a glass half full.  Mac is on my lap.  I’ve decided since Mac and Smithwicks join me on these “rants,” it’s best to label these types of posts (wait for it a “Mac Smithwick” post) original right?!

The picture isn’t doing the mood justice.  I’m wearing a hoodie, hand me down boxers, and these bare feet of mine are chilly.  so are my hands.  and my eyes, they’re a little swollen…

but first, the rejoicements.  I have lots, and let’s just pray they’re enough to change this Mac Smithwick post into that glass half full for real…..

Two weeks disappeared.  The awesome thing–having a following of readers holds me accountable to updates.  The bad thing–having you guys holds me accountable to updates.  But I LOVE YOU!  Two weeks and I’m back.  Here’s what you’ve missed…and what Mac and I want to tell you about.

I am still the most blessed girl in the world.  This man, that warrior, the no longer my boy fun, but loyal friend is great.  SO GREAT.  SO AMAZING.  He helped me move.  and I broke down like a baby.  Over a couch.  and he watched me “like a toddler having a temper tantrum.”  Rather than selling my couch, he’s storing it for me.  So as I cried watching it drive away with him– I was reminded that it is in the best hands, THE BEST!  

and then “it” wrote me this kind letter.  and p.s. don’t be fooled by the political stance of my couch–it’s being brainwashed….I’m convinced it’s the only downside of living with Robert.

I’m thankful for this man and all his cheesy-ness that makes me giggle.

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and then I’m thankful for THESE MEN!

look who’s driving!  MY NOAH!  dude.  stop growing up!  ps. I hate when I’m not photogenic….

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and like moving and socializing didn’t keep my life busy enough… I celebrated love.  I hate saying “I went to a wedding” btw.  Really.  It’s so much more than a wedding.  LOVE.  Ohhhh love…. Mac Smithwicks post, I will beat you!  CELEBRATION OF LOVE!

Congrats Ryan and Leah!

and p.s. how lucky was I amidst these men?!  ..oh, and mother…

btw- happy birthday mom and dad.  Actually, I celebrate your lives everyday.

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Just in case you were wondering, Amari and I are still princesses.  We spin and twirl and giggle and love.  Because we’re girly girls.  That dance.  and dream.  some dreams keep on getting better…

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and remember that sweet, amazing warrior?  The Ahhh-mazzzinnnggg father?  The couch holder.  He’s still blessing me.  WITH BREAKFAST.  OH LAWDY!  He should start charging for these (not me though…) Mac Smithwick, I’m winning…..

Homemade hashbrowns.  shoot.  eggs (that I didn’t make).  hells to the yeah.  Prosciutto.  English muffins, with cream cheese.  and fresh oranges.  Ohhh I love this guy!  Here’s why: he ALSO went to dog therapy with me (Sasha update post coming soon–it’ll be a funny one, stay tuned).  THEN he took my apartment keys and went in to paint while I was at work.  THEN he came again to load up the uhaul and complete my 15th move with other great ones whom I love just as much, Geoff and Amanda (and Jack)….THANK YOU DEAR FRIENDS!

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Which brings us to:

this spot.

It used to be one of my favorite writing spots.  It was the place where more tears were cried.  Where A LOT of trash TV was watched.  Where wayyy too much gossip took place.  Where goosebumps and passionate kisses overwhelmed my heart.  Where tequila beat my ass.  Where laughter won the day.  And lastly where I said goodbye.

I sat there in the quite moments.  MY moments of solitude.  Reflecting.  REJOICING.  In this new chapter.  God’s still writing my story…and I’m still wandering.  And… what’s that Mr. Mac Smithwick?  Honesty?  You want some honesty?  Why yes.  Of course I’ll be honest.  I’ll be brutally honest.  Oh but the readers.  They know me… and if there’s anything I’ve learned from tea bag wisdom, it’s this, “True understanding comes from compassion?”

Believe it or not, in the 13 day writing hiatus, my little fan club which once was only six, has reached out to me.  GOD BLESS YOU!  Here, let me respond to you, and might I suggest that you understand me with compassion?

Q: What happened to the photography business?

A: Sister-cousin and I fought today.  Tears were shed and hurt held deep.  I’m not over it yet, but that’s because in her wisdom there is truth.  I know it… “…Then you were passionate about the photography, so we all jumped on board…”  Friends.  I’m still passionate about the photography.  Darlings, if I’m honest, life’s just in the way.  That’s a good thing.  Just go back eight months or so and read.  READ. and then rejoice because HERE. I. AM. DAMMIT!  As life is on it’s way to a calmer state, so is the time to refocus.  SO!  The photography business is still “in business”.  Actually, call me.  I’m scheduling holiday shoots for those Christmas cards you know you want to order through me….

Q: How do you like the nannying, really?  I mean, it is for the little ones… your “least” favorite ages…

A: We have a nickname for this guy.  But for his privacy that shall remain a secret….that’s right.  What you see there is nail polish.  pink.  orange.  purple.  You also see little boy fingers and a happy, mischievous smile.

that’s right.  what you see there is lotion.  LOTS and LOTS of lotion.  on little boy legs.  and that smile, there it is…again.  It melts the anger right out of me.  The way he moves my hair out off of my shoulder so that he can lay his head on me– oh he melts me.  So darlings, if I’m honest, I love it.  It’s the closest thing to mothering the way I was made to, with nothing but love.  A whole lot of love.  Darlings, if I’m honest, it’s a shame but so true, I’m crazy in love with my 5 kids.  Even _______ oops, I almost spilled the beans on his nickname….

ps. Henry helped my put together my first lego model.  pretty snazzy hmmmm…. oh and hey, pray for Henry, he fell in the shower last week and got a pretty bad concussion.  Poor buddy of mine is bored to death!

pps.  Giggling with Ryan in the mornings is sometimes the most perfect start to my day.  I mean really, giggle with us.  How can you not?!

Q: What’s your school plan, again?

A: Well friends, I am currently taking a pre-req at NOVA (the community college in town). Next semester, January 2013, in God’s leading and according to His will, I will begin my graduate courses for a program that HOPEFULLY I will be admitted to by the fall (it’s not guaranteed yet…pray please).  It is a 2 year program.  George Mason University is my first and darlings, if I’m honest, my only choice.  The program is Counseling and Development.  I’ll specialize in school counseling and graduate with a k-12 counseling certificate.  HONESTLY-this is a goal of mine, but I’m aware that plans change.  Support as I venture through changes whatever they may be will be the key.  True understanding comes from compassion….

Q: How do you stay so strong in your faith amidst trials?

A: Darlings, if I’m honest, I don’t.  It’s just all I know.  I became lost in my faith years ago–and I wouldn’t have it any other way.  That alone was the best decision I’ve ever made.  There are no guesses– it’s just all that I know.  It’s just all that I am.  And as the great Rob Bromhead reminds me, “Would you rather wrestle with God, or without Him?”

Q: Why have you moved so many times?  and where?

A:  The older I get the more I become my mother.  This is her motto: “When I die, my body won’t ever move.  I got to get it all done now.”  That, and… “We have to go where God needs us.”  Darlings, if I’m honest, the latter of the two mottos is what’s getting me through this past weekend and the next 2.5-3 years.  That, and Mac Smithwicks.

a quick moving journal for you, and yes, I have seriously moved 15 times:

0-5 Burke, VA

5-9 Brownsville, TX (2 homes) *moved to be closer to ailing grandfather and needed a bigger home

9-14 San Antonio, TX (3 homes) *apartment while waiting for home #2 to finish construction.  Home #2 too big.  Home #3 my all time FAVORITE.  SLICKROCK WAY.  Oh how I miss you.  I owned that babysitting block….

14-15 Artesian, SD *right across the street from my high school…and yes, in the winter, my dad drove me to school.  My superlative that year was “Laziest…”

15-16 Letcher, SD *Rio Escondido.  Home of the miniature horses, the slut cattle, the toddler chickens, and Mother Mary’s famous milkshakes for all my friends.

17-18 San Antonio, TX (2 more homes) UTSA apartment, and Helotes home.  I had a house.  Me… a house….. okay…. more on that later

19-20 Omaha, NE (2 more homes)  My all time favorite city…. frequently referred to as my home-aha

21-24 Manassas Park, VA *ahhh the life of a struggling young adult in northern virginia.

24-26 Centreville, VA (2 homes) *officially my first homes.  MY first homes.

Presently a new resident of Fairfax, VA *I hear bets are in order as to how long it will last.

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keep the questions flowing darlings.  If I’m honest, I won’t hold back.   Who am I kidding, you know I’m not about to hold back.

and ps. Mac Smithwicks, I beat you.  You’re an empty glass that filled this attitude and sad day.  and Mac, keep hanging on.  3% battery life left and I WILL WIN!

Happy Halloween sweet little ones.