…I searched my mind in that moment to find all the most encouraging answers; ones that would propel he to keep walking in good faith no matter how deep the obsta…blah blah blah…

Then I “liked” the post instead.

This morning I had a crazy bad dream.  Something about one of my biggest regrets while Obama was in office… not sending him a wedding invitation so we could get a congratulatory piece of paper signed by him and Michelle.  No matter political affiliation—it’d still be pretty cool to have.  I digress.  The stupid dream woke me up at 4am.  FOUR. FRICKIN’. A. M.

Naturally I woke up Trey.  Naturally.

“I had a bad dream that you left me because President Obama wanted to be friends with me…”

“Not gonna happen…” {rolled over and started snoring}

Was he talking about leaving me… or me becoming BFF with Mr. Obama.  {insert my shrugs and squints}.  Either way, I think I could handle the outcome.

So I laid there going through a thousand to-do’s in my head.  There’s a buzzfeed post circulating right now all about people and their lists.  Was that written for you?? {raises hand}

I have to pack.  Like, our house goes on the market in a month pack!  I have to market both biz’es.  ..and there’s the towels that have now been sitting in the washer for 2 days that are now, probably starting to smell like mildew.  And I’m behind in these posts.  Again.  And Sasha has this protruding, abscess that makes me cry if I think too much about it.  And it’s now 4:28 and maybe I should just fold the clean laundry that’s laying on the floor in front of the dryer.

…and Proverbs 31- why does she do it?

In case, you’re still sitting here reading and still wondering what Proverbs 31 is/says, let me enlighten you with this excerpt of the Spirit of Truth:

A good woman is hard to find, and worth far more than diamonds.
Her husband trusts her without reserve, and never has reason to regret it.
Never spiteful, she treats him generously all her life long.
She shops around for the best yarns and cottons, and enjoys knitting and sewing.
She’s like a trading ship that sails to faraway places and brings back exotic surprises.
She’s up before dawn, preparing breakfast for her family and organizing her day.
She looks over a field and buys it, then, with money she’s put aside, plants a garden.
First thing in the morning, she dresses for work, rolls up her sleeves, eager to get started.
She senses the worth of her work, is in no hurry to call it quits for the day.
She’s skilled in the crafts of home and hearth, diligent in homemaking.
She’s quick to assist anyone in need, reaches out to help the poor.
She doesn’t worry about her family when it snows; their winter clothes are all mended and ready to wear.
She makes her own clothing, and dresses in colorful linens and silks.
Her husband is greatly respected when he deliberates with the city fathers.
She designs gowns and sells them, brings the sweaters she knits to the dress shops.
Her clothes are well-made and elegant, and she always faces tomorrow with a smile.
When she speaks she has something worthwhile to say, and she always says it kindly.
She keeps an eye on everyone in her household, and keeps them all busy and productive.
Her children respect and bless her; her husband joins in with words of praise: “Many women have done wonderful things, but you’ve outclassed them all!”
Charm can mislead and beauty soon fades.
The woman to be admired and praised is the woman who lives in the Fear-of-God.
Give her everything she deserves!
Festoon her life with praises!

PROVERBS 31:10-31 (THE MESSAGE) emphasis mine

Just wondering, anyone else read that ticking such prideful accomplishments away like that checklist I was building in my mind at 4 am.

I had like, six, maybe seven on a good day.  Let’s be real, I know I should probably be humbler about it… but.  I’ve got SEVEN (since you know, today is probably the only day that I’m up before dawn… and actually, I’m probably not going to be making breakfast today because it’s an on-the-go kind of day).  SEVEN.  SIX AND A HALF.  And as someone who, just yesterday only counted three ticks, this matters.  {insert your cheering and applause} Thank you, thank you very much.

Listen, I was folding laundry at 4:31 A.M.  (while in my mind reciting and questioning the words that came to memory.  Convenient how they were these: “A good woman is hard to find…” and “The woman to be admired and praised is…”)

Before I get started with this—You.  Right there.  Yes, you.  You’re doing a great job.  That list you just made of Proverbs 31 “ticks,” throw it out.  I just ripped mine apart.

Because listen, I need the reminder daily that I’m ALREADY worth far more than diamonds.  Do you think there’s a reason the writer started with this?  Know your worth, dang it!  God made you and then He died for you.

This week, I’ve been overwhelmed.  I slammed dishes in the sink so that my Trey would know that I’m soooo over doing dishes this week.  Because clearly that’s a better way to communicate.

And last week, I didn’t make the bed one single day, because I waited to see if maybe he would.  Because clearly he can read my mind.

And yesterday, I worked for 9 straight hours on my business only to end the afternoon all melancholy and hung up because I didn’t complete any of my “diligent homemaking” duties that were on my list.  The dishes were still there, and the bed was unmade, so… why not?  There I went.  But dinner was calling, and Trey was wanting to introvert, and the nephews make us smile, and Lawdy my father-in-love was coming over and shoot if I didn’t hit the jackpot when I got my husband and John as my FIL!  …and does this doing-life thing ever take a break?!

Obvs, when I hit the pillow, I hit it hard.  …until 4.

And there I was, 4:31 a.m. folding laundry.  And sweet Robynn- this is why: “She senses the worth of her work!”

Look, we don’t get the recognition all the time, and we don’t need to keep track of it.  And when I say we—obviously, I’m talking only about “me.”  But God, the one who created us; He knows our hearts, and He knows that life isn’t easy!  His life sure as heck wasn’t, look how it ended… right?  But He also knows, what we’re doing, even if I am just scraping by… it’s worth something.

It’s so easy for me to go through this “list” pre-kids, wondering how in the world if I can’t do it all now, how I’ll be able to do it all then.  But what’s the point!?  No matter how hard you’re I’m striving to be this perfect woman (which by the way there is no perfect woman), the one who is praised at the end is the one who fears God; the one who respects His sacrifice for us.  Trust in His words.  We are worthy and our work has worth.

So… it’s now 6:24.  I folded our laundry, did some photog-ing stuff… and am left with this passage after all that contemplation and realization.

These words I speak to you are not incidental additions to your life, homeowner improvements to your standard of living.  They are foundational words, words to build a life on.  If you work these words into your life, you are like a smart carpenter who built his house on solid rock.  Rain poured down, the river flooded, a tornado hit—but nothing moved that house. It was fixed to the rock.

But if you just use my words in Bible studies and don’t work them into your life, you are like a stupid carpenter who built his house on the sandy beach. When a storm rolled in and the waves came up, it collapsed like a house of cards.

MATTHEW  7:24-27 (The Message) emphasis mine.

—

in case you missed it, we’re building our life in this new home currently under construction.

I guess it seems fitting to build it on these words, a solid rock.

I had a friend who did this, buried a bible in the foundation of her home.  When she did, I always told myself, I would someday do it too.  There’s something so unbelievably humbling about the experience.  Submitting all to Jesus.  We each took the Bible and wrote in it our prayers of thanksgiving and sovereignty for the future, our future in this home together.  And then we held hands and prayed, our voices echoing in the newly poured walls of home.

It amazes us from week to week how we see such change.  I spend days thinking that I’m never going to get “there” wherever that might be, while in these weeks that drift by transformation is occurring.  What a parallel, this from that!

I never thought I’d be so excited to tear down trees, breaking down nature like it’s mine.  ..hah! Oh the irony.

Every time we’d visit the home site, Trey would say “I just can’t see it… among these trees… where is the house going to go?!?!?!”  This was the moment he saw it.  He cried.  and then I did too.  and then we were one big sloppy mess.

In love all over again and beholding this life that doesn’t always seem like a gift… but is.

It means I must not have offended you when I spoke my mind concerning the oversupply of new years posts about change and refocus and new “things” and “stuff.”

It means you’re back to see what a year all about “me” is really going to look like..

It means that HOPEFULLY I’m not a selfish person and you just want to make sure.

…or something.  (if you have no idea what I’m talking about start here.)

So here it goes: 3 Reasons I NEEDED to choose ME!

1. 2016: It is what you I make of it.

I was stunned at the amount of posts and letters I read identifying 2016 as CRAP.  Pure diarrhea crap.  Like the really stinky, burn your nose kind.  please excuse the detail if you have a weak stomach.  My apologies.

Grief is a real thing and it’s not just experienced when someone dies or when we go through trauma.  Hence “Good Grief” when something bad happens.  The 5 stages are a real thing: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.  The skinny on me is that I struggle with these on a daily basis.  I haven’t addressed it much here and I know that needs to change.  I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder and I refuse to take meds because I convince myself that I can handle life without them (that and the last time I took meds it ended really poorly–another story for another day).  Ask my husband he may disagree and say I need them from time to time, but he is also my biggest supporter, soooo… yeah.  BTW– this decision is not one I would ever encourage for everyone or just anyone.  

Ask me about denial– “How are you?” asks a friend on Sunday morning.  “I’m fine!” “We’re great!” “Doing well.” Oh!  And ask me about how I’ve turned from an extrovert into an introvert.

Ask me about anger–no wait.  Ask my husband because my anxiety manifests in anger aka no. patience. for. anyone.

Ask me about bargining– “If only I’d done _____ differently!!”

Ask me about depression and how my anxiety will throw me into bed for days because I just give-up life until I can conquer something to be proud of.

Ask me about acceptance.  OH WAIT!  That’s what this post is about.

2016 had me walking away from school counseling.. you know, that degree that cost me tens of thousands of dollars that I don’t regret one bit, but will probably not use anytime in the near future.  It had me revamping my photography business.  Entrepreneuring with Dr. Rodan and Dr. Fields. Seeking fertility treatments.  Taking care of my parents who take turns going in and out of the hospital.  Supporting my husband and his family as we grieved the deaths of Aunt Carol and Papa.   All things that I won’t lie, came with EXTREME anxiety, but things I wouldn’t trade for anything because God was and IS moving!

And that’s when I discovered that 2016 is what you make of it because for each crap-filled day I laid in bed, I can now go back and pinpoint at least one joy that accompanied the bad, the awful, the stinky.

Moving forward, everything stems from this one decision: 2017 will be what I/(ME) make of it!

I can’t claim to know or understand what God is doing in the moment, but this I know, “at the right time, He will lift me up,” (1 Peter 5:6).  Always has, always will.

2. Transformation

Isaiah 41 (from the Message translation) is one of my favorite chapters in the Bible.  Why?  Because I think it’s a brilliant metaphor of rising from the ashes aka a bout of anxiety when it strikes depression like a 16 pound bowling ball.

Things like “Sit down and rest.  Recover your strength” or “Gather around me, say what’s on your heart!”

Parts like “Who did this?  Who made this happen?  Who always gets things started?  I did.  GOD.  I am the first on the scene.  I am also the last to leave.”

“I’ve picked you, I haven’t dropped you.”

“I, God, want to reassure you.”

“I’m transforming you.”

“But I’m there to be found.“

My beef with #oneword is this: Though chosen, to view life through the lens of one word, is limiting.  And I APPLAUD my friends who are able to do it.  Just like 2017 will be a choice to be what I make of it, it’s a choice to BEHOLD (see what I did there) the “beauty,” “peace,” “joy,” “simplicity” in every.single.thing when maybe the moment isn’t right for it yet.  MAYBE God hasn’t started the transforming yet.  MAYBE God isn’t leaving yet.

And I think that when we label our year ourselves, we’ve done a great disservice to the transformation God is doing inside of us now!

FYI I’m talking to myself there… and FYI I know this won’t apply to everyone, but this is about ME.

I feel like in that great disservice,  we’ve I’ve also made it more about me and less about HIM!  There’s something in scripture about that too…

This is the assigned moment for Him to move into the center, while I slip off to the sidelines. (John 3:30, The Message)

Without question, I believe that it’s in the sidelines where we experience the good, the bad, and everything inbetween, that His greatest work is done.  It’s our job to watch these “problems” that 2016 threw at us and that 2017 is bound to chuck our way too, and turn them into opportunities (for the transformation).

3. Dream big

Our AMAZING Worship Director Bryan preached last Sunday… his sermon served as inspiration for this post, but also as a call to rise to 2017 bigger and better than I might have otherwise.  Through what he spoke, I was also reminded of a term that a college professor used that I’ve never forgotten.

Don’t be a FAT Christian.

Don’t go to church on Sundays to be fed the Word and then spend the week not exercising it.  We’ve got to take what we learn “in there” and live it “out there;” but do it with the intent that God has bigger plans that will be revealed in their own time.  Believe it.  And here’s where I caution you:

Don’t limit the work He is doing based on current circumstances.

school counseling.  Bigger plan.

photography.  Better plan.

children.  In His time.

Go bigger.  Go better.  Expect bigger.  Expect better.

Me.

Here’s one example: We had a beautiful wedding documentary to go along with our wedding video.  The closing words had “me” talking about a home with a big open porch and land that we could look out at as we watched our family grow and play… God transformed a lot quicker than we ever thought and here’s where we were on the sidelines of 2016: I’d like you to meet our newest roommates beginning in May.

that’s my dad and mom… standing on our 2.5 acre lot in Fredericksburg where we are building our dream home complete with an in-law suite.

We have an opportunity to take care of my parents in their golden years, to spend time with my dad hearing his hundreds of stories about his days in Korea and his experiences installing power lines throughout Montana.  We have this opportunity to have my mom help us with the grandchildren she is dreaming up and praying up for us!  We have this opportunity to love on them like they have us.

But we I wouldn’t have EVER seen the circumstances of 2016 as “gifts” to bring “me”/us to this triumphant time where God is allowing ME to recover my strength.

 and I know that in this we have a bajillion things in store for us… packing up our home, packing up their home, Dad’s continued cancer treatment, Mom’s unexpected and sporadic health crisis, our infertility, leaving our church community, leaving Trey’s family, selling both homes…so. much. in. store. …but the me in “us” is dreaming so big because of how God is using this time, the here and the now to transform me during every trial- the good trials and the hard trials.

Behold: 2017.  A year about ME.

It’s an exciting time for us this week… we break ground on Tuesday!!  Check out this video (and watch as I almost eat dirt) explaining what will happen on Tuesday.

and so I asked him, “what’s God been saying to you lately?”  I do that, anymore I don’t think he’s surprised when I do.  Not surprised, just real.  And he said “love.”  and I was moved and inspired, proud, and he’s right.  God’s speaking it to me too.  And I’m finding it deep within the souls of whom I love….this beauty, oh the immeasurable greatness of His Love in each of us……..

—

I’m in the middle of a “seven cities in seven weeks” journey…oh, and I’m in grad school.  and somehow it all seems crazy and stupid and too much soooo much planned, but it’s me.  And it’s starting to become more and more of my contentment, a rather special kind of fulfillment.  A real chance to take in the love, to do all the love, to be a really unique kind of Love…

City 1: Mercersburg, PA

….and these folks.

It’s been a while since I threw my sleeping bag on a bunk, a while since I ate cafeteria food, and too long since 2am talks about life and God and lessons and brokenness and wholeness.  It’d been too long since the hugs that spoke saying, “Your support over the last six years has meant everything to me…” Too long since prayers that worshipped a God with my kids.  Friends, they’re still mine.  

I received the most awesome compliment, “Nicole, I look at you and see you with them, and I KNOW you love them like they were your own..” She’s right.  I loved them before I knew them…and six years later, our last retreat together…  Loving them more than I ever thought was possible….. My pride and joy right here peeps! Can they really be seniors?  Are they really grown-ups now?  And why was I so dang lucky for God to let me love them?!  ps. six years ago I was taller then all of them!

That’s my thing in this perfection of immeasurable love: I’m noticing all sorts of things in my peeps.  There’s this beauty I’m finding within… and I’m reminded of God’s glory that shines through them.  This glimpse of perfect Love that we are so not worthy of but get because of Him.  And it’s unreal.  I never thought it was possible…that. much. LOVE.  But He’s showing me this one thing, the beauty of His children….

I look at these kids and I can’t help but see this genuine and pure beauty that runs deeper than the everyday life of golf, and boy scouts, and college planning, and etsy work.  It’s like God has opened my eyes to bigger things that matter…they matter, so. much. more.

Those smiles.  It’s painful in the best sort of way that has me crying mercy, MERCY, we are Yours…

#ohilovethemso

City 2: Avis, PA

“Let Your glory fall as you respond to us…Spirit rain, flood into our thirsty hearts again….”

And here we are.  Speak to us that fierce and victorious glory, Your immeasurable Love.

This weekend won us well…me at least...  “Christ is revealed.”

It was easy.  It was us together with them.  It was the time away.  and it had me begging for more.  This break in my own everyday life to be with him and with them and in the relationships that have truly been life changing.  Waiting upon the Lord for a time to breathe through the school moments that overlapped with my “them” moments.  But in the silence, a contentment that was all I needed…an assurance that my life is exactly how it should be.  A happiness that I don’t want rattled, just shared.

Starting from scratch, he made the entire human race and made the earth hospitable, with plenty of time and space for living so we could seek after God, and not just grope around in the dark but actually find him. He doesn’t play hide-and-seek with us. He’s not remote; he’s near. We live and move in him, can’t get away from him!

 

-Acts 17:28 (The Message)

And He came.  We talked and I listened and once again saw a beauty that I’m just so unworthy to know.  To see their family intimately.  To know them so deeply. To hold a precious child tightly with a buried head in the fold where neck meets collar bone.  To play legos while wearing heels….To laugh until the tears crept up in all the immeasurable Love that’s been gifted.

We played with nerf guns and wiped boogers and drank wine and gross beer and heard wisdom from a great marriage and stories from devoted friends.  Somewhere around the Mario-kart that I just could not master, we reminisced. We worshipped.  We laughed, oh the laughter.  It wins me over.  They win me over with that immeasurable love that radiates like some sort of bright Glory drawing me further in…

#ohtoknowthatlove

“Eyes be opened, Christ is revealed…”

I can’t stop smiling.  I’m seeing, finding Him more through these intimate connections I have with others…re-realizing that nothing, absolutely nothing came into being without Him.  And here He is blessing us through the exhilaration of being with one another.  Here He is amongst those life changing relationships that are defining me…speaking to my heart.  Here He is, sweeping over my life with them, the most beautiful extensions of His heart.  Unworthy of this beauty am I… Beholding His beauty in them and these spirits, I AM.

#oh-this-laughter-that-warms-my-heart-like-a-tight-hug-that-never-lets-go

#itsmorethangood

I’m lost in the most passionate execution of worship as I adore who He is, how He loves me, and most importantly, how He’s given me so much love for these people in my life.  He’s here, revealed in this immeasurable love, showing me not just how to love, but who to love…

and life is just oh so Him in us.  He is near; Him and that immeasurable Love.