I’ve missed hopping on here to share the many “beholdings” that were bringing joy before a storm that would steal every last ounce…

Beholding our move-in day and phases 2-7.

Beholding our family vacation to Hilton Head.

Beholding our family visiting.

Beholding my business’ growth.

Beholding my dad.

Beholding his death.

and it’s like suddenly I forgot what it’s like to behold.  Because, Jesus– I miss my dad.

There are still moments when I wake up at 3 am wondering if I heard him call me to help him back in to bed.  There are moments when I want to rush home to make him his peanut butter sandwich.  There are moments when I want to go back and relive every day of my teenage years to take in his wisdom and grace and love.  I want to behold his laugh.  I long to behold his voice and all it’s dignity.

and it all caught up to me… so I sit here.. working.. in a practical state of psychosis because oh yeah, November + December = a photographers most prosperous season.

3 years ago, right after meeting Trey, I was hospitalized after my anxiety won.  4 nights ago, it happened again; and as I laid in bed, I just cried out for my dad.  My God- does this pain and void ever stop?  Will it ever go away?

I struggled to breathe, I kept reliving the image of him taking his last breath.  The gasps, the silence.  The last feeling of my hand wrapped into his and my fingers wrapped around his pinkie.  And I couldn’t escape my head.  Hell, I couldn’t escape my heart.

And I can’t focus.

And my God, do I feel so broken without him.

I’m searching for peace– this whole “Peace on earth” theme circling our every space.  And I just can’t find it.  It’s patronizing.

The regret I have for not spending more time with him, it jolts the pain deeper into my side.

There’s so much we did right these last few months, but so much I didn’t in the years before that.  And the anxiety doesn’t let up.  In my effort of silence is his noise.  And it’s not all bad.

The laughter that I replay on my phone; his slow and steady voice.

—

I got a sympathy card (I got a lot of them actually– and if that was you, thank you).  But this one in particular, from a friend who I don’t talk to nearly enough or even in depth, she said something that I’ve revisited everyday since, “I lost both my parents in my thirties and it has largely shaped who I’ve become.”

I thought he already shaped me though.  And it’s like I don’t know who I am anymore without him here with me.  I don’t know my life without him.  The last “real” conversation I had with one of my brothers was the night he died when he assured me that I’ll get through “this” because I’m a Paullin.  Somewhere in that proud-bearing title, is strength.  Somewhere.  But I think I drew it from my dad… so there’s that.

And somewhere in that name is a sense of stoic.  And there I was twisting out of my skin in agony, beckoning for my daddy.  And the doctor said, “No more.”

and it’s time for me.

As I thumbed through the posts from what seem like forever ago– I laughed at my one word: ME.  I laughed at how in God’s “glorious” plan of calling my dad, the selfish me came back to “me.” And how now it all just seems so wrong.

Beholding, me.  A broken Paullin.  A “silent” Paullin.  Me.  And this process of reshaping ME.

…I searched my mind in that moment to find all the most encouraging answers; ones that would propel he to keep walking in good faith no matter how deep the obsta…blah blah blah…

Then I “liked” the post instead.

This morning I had a crazy bad dream.  Something about one of my biggest regrets while Obama was in office… not sending him a wedding invitation so we could get a congratulatory piece of paper signed by him and Michelle.  No matter political affiliation—it’d still be pretty cool to have.  I digress.  The stupid dream woke me up at 4am.  FOUR. FRICKIN’. A. M.

Naturally I woke up Trey.  Naturally.

“I had a bad dream that you left me because President Obama wanted to be friends with me…”

“Not gonna happen…” {rolled over and started snoring}

Was he talking about leaving me… or me becoming BFF with Mr. Obama.  {insert my shrugs and squints}.  Either way, I think I could handle the outcome.

So I laid there going through a thousand to-do’s in my head.  There’s a buzzfeed post circulating right now all about people and their lists.  Was that written for you?? {raises hand}

I have to pack.  Like, our house goes on the market in a month pack!  I have to market both biz’es.  ..and there’s the towels that have now been sitting in the washer for 2 days that are now, probably starting to smell like mildew.  And I’m behind in these posts.  Again.  And Sasha has this protruding, abscess that makes me cry if I think too much about it.  And it’s now 4:28 and maybe I should just fold the clean laundry that’s laying on the floor in front of the dryer.

…and Proverbs 31- why does she do it?

In case, you’re still sitting here reading and still wondering what Proverbs 31 is/says, let me enlighten you with this excerpt of the Spirit of Truth:

A good woman is hard to find, and worth far more than diamonds.
Her husband trusts her without reserve, and never has reason to regret it.
Never spiteful, she treats him generously all her life long.
She shops around for the best yarns and cottons, and enjoys knitting and sewing.
She’s like a trading ship that sails to faraway places and brings back exotic surprises.
She’s up before dawn, preparing breakfast for her family and organizing her day.
She looks over a field and buys it, then, with money she’s put aside, plants a garden.
First thing in the morning, she dresses for work, rolls up her sleeves, eager to get started.
She senses the worth of her work, is in no hurry to call it quits for the day.
She’s skilled in the crafts of home and hearth, diligent in homemaking.
She’s quick to assist anyone in need, reaches out to help the poor.
She doesn’t worry about her family when it snows; their winter clothes are all mended and ready to wear.
She makes her own clothing, and dresses in colorful linens and silks.
Her husband is greatly respected when he deliberates with the city fathers.
She designs gowns and sells them, brings the sweaters she knits to the dress shops.
Her clothes are well-made and elegant, and she always faces tomorrow with a smile.
When she speaks she has something worthwhile to say, and she always says it kindly.
She keeps an eye on everyone in her household, and keeps them all busy and productive.
Her children respect and bless her; her husband joins in with words of praise: “Many women have done wonderful things, but you’ve outclassed them all!”
Charm can mislead and beauty soon fades.
The woman to be admired and praised is the woman who lives in the Fear-of-God.
Give her everything she deserves!
Festoon her life with praises!

PROVERBS 31:10-31 (THE MESSAGE) emphasis mine

Just wondering, anyone else read that ticking such prideful accomplishments away like that checklist I was building in my mind at 4 am.

I had like, six, maybe seven on a good day.  Let’s be real, I know I should probably be humbler about it… but.  I’ve got SEVEN (since you know, today is probably the only day that I’m up before dawn… and actually, I’m probably not going to be making breakfast today because it’s an on-the-go kind of day).  SEVEN.  SIX AND A HALF.  And as someone who, just yesterday only counted three ticks, this matters.  {insert your cheering and applause} Thank you, thank you very much.

Listen, I was folding laundry at 4:31 A.M.  (while in my mind reciting and questioning the words that came to memory.  Convenient how they were these: “A good woman is hard to find…” and “The woman to be admired and praised is…”)

Before I get started with this—You.  Right there.  Yes, you.  You’re doing a great job.  That list you just made of Proverbs 31 “ticks,” throw it out.  I just ripped mine apart.

Because listen, I need the reminder daily that I’m ALREADY worth far more than diamonds.  Do you think there’s a reason the writer started with this?  Know your worth, dang it!  God made you and then He died for you.

This week, I’ve been overwhelmed.  I slammed dishes in the sink so that my Trey would know that I’m soooo over doing dishes this week.  Because clearly that’s a better way to communicate.

And last week, I didn’t make the bed one single day, because I waited to see if maybe he would.  Because clearly he can read my mind.

And yesterday, I worked for 9 straight hours on my business only to end the afternoon all melancholy and hung up because I didn’t complete any of my “diligent homemaking” duties that were on my list.  The dishes were still there, and the bed was unmade, so… why not?  There I went.  But dinner was calling, and Trey was wanting to introvert, and the nephews make us smile, and Lawdy my father-in-love was coming over and shoot if I didn’t hit the jackpot when I got my husband and John as my FIL!  …and does this doing-life thing ever take a break?!

Obvs, when I hit the pillow, I hit it hard.  …until 4.

And there I was, 4:31 a.m. folding laundry.  And sweet Robynn- this is why: “She senses the worth of her work!”

Look, we don’t get the recognition all the time, and we don’t need to keep track of it.  And when I say we—obviously, I’m talking only about “me.”  But God, the one who created us; He knows our hearts, and He knows that life isn’t easy!  His life sure as heck wasn’t, look how it ended… right?  But He also knows, what we’re doing, even if I am just scraping by… it’s worth something.

It’s so easy for me to go through this “list” pre-kids, wondering how in the world if I can’t do it all now, how I’ll be able to do it all then.  But what’s the point!?  No matter how hard you’re I’m striving to be this perfect woman (which by the way there is no perfect woman), the one who is praised at the end is the one who fears God; the one who respects His sacrifice for us.  Trust in His words.  We are worthy and our work has worth.

So… it’s now 6:24.  I folded our laundry, did some photog-ing stuff… and am left with this passage after all that contemplation and realization.

These words I speak to you are not incidental additions to your life, homeowner improvements to your standard of living.  They are foundational words, words to build a life on.  If you work these words into your life, you are like a smart carpenter who built his house on solid rock.  Rain poured down, the river flooded, a tornado hit—but nothing moved that house. It was fixed to the rock.

But if you just use my words in Bible studies and don’t work them into your life, you are like a stupid carpenter who built his house on the sandy beach. When a storm rolled in and the waves came up, it collapsed like a house of cards.

MATTHEW  7:24-27 (The Message) emphasis mine.

—

in case you missed it, we’re building our life in this new home currently under construction.

I guess it seems fitting to build it on these words, a solid rock.

I had a friend who did this, buried a bible in the foundation of her home.  When she did, I always told myself, I would someday do it too.  There’s something so unbelievably humbling about the experience.  Submitting all to Jesus.  We each took the Bible and wrote in it our prayers of thanksgiving and sovereignty for the future, our future in this home together.  And then we held hands and prayed, our voices echoing in the newly poured walls of home.

It amazes us from week to week how we see such change.  I spend days thinking that I’m never going to get “there” wherever that might be, while in these weeks that drift by transformation is occurring.  What a parallel, this from that!

I never thought I’d be so excited to tear down trees, breaking down nature like it’s mine.  ..hah! Oh the irony.

Every time we’d visit the home site, Trey would say “I just can’t see it… among these trees… where is the house going to go?!?!?!”  This was the moment he saw it.  He cried.  and then I did too.  and then we were one big sloppy mess.

In love all over again and beholding this life that doesn’t always seem like a gift… but is.

And I suppose that’s why as I start this post, I’m already overwhelmed by the fact that I’m days late in finding my #oneword.  1- because at some point, setting new year resolutions changed to setting a New Year WORD (just one) and 2- because I’m nervous that anything I write will get lost in the 2017 WORD “movement” among all the other writers and bloggers that are claiming their own originality in said “movement” blog posts (p.s. to my blogger friends out there, please don’t take offense to that..)

But seriously, is there anyone else completely overwhelmed by the outpouring of the “Welcome 2017” posts in blogosphere world?!

It’s like somehow we’ve all forgotten that with each new year comes a freshness and newness that is begging to be utilized.  And for planners like me that go insanely disorganized come June, the regrouping that January offers isn’t just an opportunity, but a necessity–so why not join in and write about it.

The thing is, unfortunately what I’m finding in all of these “original” posts is one common theme: 2016 sucked.  It was awful because “my dog died,” and “I left my job,” and “my dad has cancer” and “we lost the computer” and “grief is hard.”  Goodness gracious people! …But don’t forget though that I am right there with you!

(…and p.s. as a counselor who struggles with anxiety and depression and often times lives in her own “woe is me world,” I do have to add that grief is important…in moderation.  Carry on.)

In the process here is what I’ve learned:

We all know that with each year that passes we go through the same heartaches, hardships, trials…and somehow those are what we are left with rather than the unseemingly lessons we’ve been taught through the tribulations.

That needs to change!  We jump to the next thing without embracing the current that will ultimately propel us to move-on.

What I’ve found is that One Word 2017 is supposed to make up for all “stuff” 2016 left behind and for the rejuvenation that 2017 is offering.  One new blogger friend stated this: “A Word-of-the-Year is a lens through which I can view my real life.”

Soooo….

Let me rephrase that in the way that I read and interpreted it: My life- is now summed up in one word?! For the WHOLE YEAR?!

NO.  EFFING.  WAY.  (I can say effing, right?! It’s culturally relevant.)

Maybe I’m just frustrated because of the pressure that One Word and New Year Resolution standards have me living up to.

I sit here reading so many of your beautiful and Spirit-filled words that bring inspiration and hope.  And they have me yearning for more, begging for more of Jesus and His infinite plan for us.  And like everyone else, I go back to 2016, and December, and how I was crying out MERCY!!  “Mercy” maybe that should be my word.  And shoot.  Here comes the anxiety!

—

I’m going to preface this next part:  Not a day goes by that I don’t thank God for my husband, his commitment, and his job that allow me to stay home and be the best wife I can be (all while folding his laundry and doing the dishes after the breakfast that I make him).  It’s seriously a privilege and one that I will never take lightly; especially considering that we don’t have any children yet.  I get to blog because of him, and I get to run my own business with passion and zeal because of him, and I get to partner with 2 of the world’s most renown doctors, because of him… and Him.  So yes, I’m filled with gratitude to be living my dreams in so many wonderful ways.  BUT it’s hard work.  MERCY.  Me.  Preface complete.

My cousin posted this video on facebook earlier this week:

I may not be a stay-at-home-mom yet, but I get it.  ..and I’m just a stay-at-home-WIFE

So are you ready for my word?  After all of that?!

Me.

…and you may read that and call ME the most selfish human being ever…but I’m not lying at all when I say that it’s needed.  I could join in with others who have claimed, “joy” and “hope” and “peace” and “trust” (because there are a lot of you..and that’s AWESOME, truly).  But for ME, I need to take the time and focus on this life in the here and the now among all that house-wife BUSY, to embrace the lessons learned through the last year and grow from them before jumping to the next.

Scripture is not off in the least:

So be content with who you are, and don’t put on airs.  God’s strong hand is on you; he’ll promote you at the right time.  Live carefree before God; he is most careful with you. (emphasis mine.  1 Peter 5:6-7, The Message)

Trey’s “anthem” verse and mission is this:

I can do all this through him who gives me strength. (Philippians 4:13, NIV)

Think he’ll share his mission with me?

This is the first part in a two part series about self-care.  Read Part Two Here!

Also- because self-care is so important, I’m doing a special R+F give-away to the first 2 people to comment on this post with helpful hints and tips of how you take care of yourself.  One way I do it is with a little pampering, free facial anyone?

Let me sit here and forget that it’s already January 4 and the red holiday cups at Starbucks are gone (along with the expiring gingerbread syrup that makes everything taste and smell like a childhood Christmas.)

Let me sit here and reflect on all that December was: how one moment we were begging for it to be over and the next we were grasping for it like Mufasa in The Lion King before he fell to his heart wrenching death… maybe that’s a bit dramatic.  But shoot-if December 2016 didn’t sum up our roller coaster life as “dramatic,” I don’t know what else or who else wouldn’t.

I’m not sure if it was the “Dr. Paullin, your biopsy results came back revealing that you have a highly malignant, metastatic mass,” or the “Mrs. Paullin, Mr. Paullin, Mrs. Bressler– He’s out of surgery (a 4.5 hour one I might add).  I couldn’t be more pleased with how it went.  He passed with flying colors.  Have a Merry Christmas…”

I’m not sure if it was the “Sweetie, where’s the macbook” or the “Mrs. Bressler, you have a ticket for a direct flight to Dallas.”

I’m not sure if it was the “Trey, I can’t do this?!  I want my clients to have the most beautiful photos, EVER… but I can’t keep up!” or the “Can I book my 2017 fall session with you now?”

But the extreme lows and highs had me all:

No but seriously.  We faced chaos something fierce!  Bear with me through Exhibit B, C, D, E, F…. there’s a lot of exhibits, okay?!

Behold- we learned that sometimes, an early Christmas is just what the doctor ordered.

We are the Paullin’s.  Birthed from him.  A humble, fighter pilot– who taught us to go after our dreams…So we did.

My biggest oldest brother, Jeff has the best parts of my dad mixed with the coolest parts of any tech savvy nerd.  He & Jackie are retiring and moving to Rehoboth –They’re currently renovating a home that has an outdoor TV and some sort of sound system I can’t begin to understand.  It’ll be pretty boss.Mark owns his own law firm (not sure if this is a good or bad thing considering how large the family is…).  He also reminds us on a nearly daily basis that the Redskins are the best team.. and that the Cowboys are the worst.This is Cindy- my sistil.  That’s what we call each other..sister-in-love.. because “law” is just insulting when she was there the day after I was born. (ps. She tells me I was the inspiration for their own children.) and y’all know Trey…he kind of makes my heart pitter patter (that’s a real thing).Meet Lauren- who just got back from teaching for 6 months in India (using her M.Ed. from HARVARD!).  She taught the importance and effectiveness of implementing art into daily curriculum…and her husband Alex- he saves lives in Charlottesville working for the fire department.  p.s. She has the BEST laugh!And let me tell you about Alex.  He came home after 1.5 year traveling in Africa…and he’s some sort of fabulous famous.  He’s chasing his dream through the Conservation Music Project.  (Did I mention the Paullins’ love for music?  I think it started with Dad’s 75+ year career as a trumpet player).This is Charlie, and Kate.  When Charlie was 12 and visiting us in South Dakota, I remember asking him what he wanted to do when he “grew-up.”  “Be a news reporter…” He said that without blinking an eye… Read his stuff here.  (Did I mention that Dad taught us to chase our dreams until we catch them?”  And Kate!  She graduated from UofR in May.  Before that though- she was a world traveler, teaching in schools in Africa and skiing the Alps.  And now- she’s got an even bigger world ahead of her…the “what’s next” world, where the future is so bright she’s going to need a hot, new pair of Ray-Bans.It’d been over 10 years since we were all in one place at one time.  And we bowed our heads in prayer together (however that might be) for our earthly keeper.  The heavenly Keeper, heard them.  And… well… you heard the doctor.  “He passed with flying colors!”

Behold- we learned that mini-vacations really do give breathing room..more on that in a couple of weeks (but here’s one of my favorites… because, you know, Christmas tree)!

We may have lost and recovered our laptop.. and that’s okay because I said, recovered laptop.  note: it became “our” laptop the moment it went missing… but I’m pretty sure that I asked Trey to bring me “my laptop” from upstairs yesterday morning….

Behold- we learned that dollar bills have more use than for vending machines, or r-rated clubs that are discriminatory towards the human body (not that we would know).

Getting all the feels over Kellan’s face when he realized he got a box of tissues for Christmas.  Here’s a Christmas gift idea: tape a bunch of dollar bills together, roll them up, and put them at the bottom of a kleenex box.

Tav is no dummy!  When he saw Kellan get money in a tissue box, he KNEW his was next.  Another Christmas gift idea: we wrapped a pizza box and made a “pie” if you will… out of dollar bills.  Tav got through it before we could get any other pictures….

This was technically my first Bressler Christmas…my goodness it was the most beautiful spawn of pinterest! My husband.. he may be a super huge Dallas fan/nerd, but oh Lawdy do I. LOVE. HIM.

Ask me how badly these pictures are giving me baby fever, I dare you!and a quiet end to the night… us with our pup… and our newest roommates come May.  (You’ll be hearing about that a lot in the coming future….) —

I opened my Bible App this morning because in all my 2017 goal planning, I needed some inspiration.  How’s this:

In His kindness, God called you to share in His eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus.  So after you have suffered a little while, He will restore, support, and strengthen you, and He will place you on a firm foundation.  (1 Peter 5:10, NLT)

Good riddance, 2016… but thanks for the beautiful ending.  I wish it could have stayed a little longer; because it was beautiful all collided and tornado’d (because that’s a real-life adjective), our crazy, little December to remember.

See, I’ve been missing from here for a month, and before that, another month. And I hate that. Life’s been hard for us, for my family, and it’s been busy and demanding, and stretching us in every single direction. And like some hipster, I’m sitting here rolling my eyes saying, “I.LITERALLY.CAN’T.EVEN.”

I can’t.  Because my dad has cancer.  And our infertility threw me in the hospital again.  And it’s like the busiest time of year for a photographer.  And I love it, and it’s my saving grace.  But then I accepted that sub-counseling job that I had to cut short by two weeks because I literally couldn’t even.  And my mental unhealth has been creeping in while my Jesus is fighting hard for me to feel the simplest glimpse of his peace, and I just keep asking myself, are we making it?!

We made it through my dad’s 4 hour surgery, and are still chugging along in our own little familial pain.  We made it through the last of my 2016 sessions and delivering photos and cards in time for Christmas (although that was easy because gifting families with an uninterrupted hour to love on one another is kind of my passion because of how our own life demands dedicated time to just breathe and to love and to be loved).

We barely made it through the school counseling position that was the one last thread that had my “controlled” anxiety sewn together until the unwraveling of everything else had me crying uncle making that the first thing to go.  (I won’t talk about the  failure that I faced realizing the kids and parents that I was leaving behind after only 3 weeks).

And we made it to yesterday– the day we’d been counting down for; when we could finally get out of NOVA to spend time with family and celebrate a beautiful, God-blessed and written union, and to reconnect with one another without having to cut it short for someone else (which we are happy to do and would drop anything to do… but we needed this…)

But yesterday.  Also the day, when somehow we forgot my computer (that I so embarrassedly called a small appendage to my life) in the security line at TSA.  Thankfully my husband discovered it right as we sat down in seats 12B and 12C with little leg room and the claustro-aero-phobic mania ready for battle…

My top 1000, Army 10 finisher, sprinted to security with slow, little, uncoordinated me deplaning and rushing to customer service to try and rebook our flight (this after I already rebooked because of ORD and it’s proceeding reputation of weather-related cancellations– and oh yeah, polar vortex).  

Ask me why I rushed.  Go ahead.

“Ma’am, please do not approach the desk yet.  I’m not ready for you yet.” she was eating a bagel.  with cream cheese.

“Okay.  NOW, now I’m ready for you.” p.s. she had cream cheese and crumbs on her mouth.

“I’m sorry ma’am, the only flight I can rebook you on is out of Reagan and you’re going to have to pay for a taxi to get there because this is all YOUR fault.”  Thank’s lady– like I hadn’t realized that already.

“You’re going to have to go through Chicago and will arrive in Dallas at 6:45.” <rolls eyes>

“Shoot.  I just rebooked out of there.  Do you have any information on the weather?  Like, in your experience, do you think the flight will be delayed, because we need to be there by 7:30?”

“Well ma’am, I’d just like to remind you that this is YOUR fault and your only option.  We have nothing else.  Nothing at all…” Now that was just rude.

“Are you okay?”  I asked.  She looked at me in disbelief.

“No seriously, are you okay?”

“Uhhhh…I’m okay.. It’s just that this is your fault and I’m not in Chicago, I don’t know what the weather is going to be like, or what it is going to do to your travel plans.  But this is your ONLY OPTION.  So since this is your fault, I would suggest you pay for a taxi and go to Reagan.”

“Okay…Well..you’re being unbearably rude to me right now.  I already know this is my fault.  And I’m here trying to be kind and patient, when I just lost a small appendage of my life.  And all I want to do is catch a break.  But clearly, something must be wrong or bothering you, so maybe I should help you first…” <insert my ringing phone>

“I got it!” Okay. battle one. WON!

“Mrs. Bressler, it looks like I do have a DIRECT flight leaving here in about an hour, it’s one gate down.  There is only one seat left and the other is standby.  But if you aren’t able to get onto it, come back and see me and I’ll try and put you on the flight out of Reagan.”  p.s. why don’t we call rude people out more often?!  Why don’t we take the time to see the reasoning behind ugly behavior?

Trey paced and I giggled.  Did we really just find my computer?  Last month, my brother and sistil (that’s what we call each other) left their iPad on a flight and unfortunately it was not recovered.  So, after a successful plea for prayer on facebook, I found it fitting to respond with a selfie.  Trey was less than amused.  Exhibit A.

When the NICE United employee, said “Sweetie, you’ve got yourself a seat… and guess what, it’s next to your husband!”  I jumped pretty fast and pretty high.  Because we actually made it.

We made it!  And we literally.could.even.

And so I’m beholding that tiny JOYS that this season is bringing us after what’s been a long couple of months where His silence was teaching us and molding us (reasoning still TBD).  But we’re beholding.  We’re beholding Jesus’ peace when everything seems to be going against us.  We’re beholding what matters most- not the small appendage but the fact that He’s still listening to us.

And we’re beholding the fact that we’ve made it.

We’ve made it to this time where we can pause and celebrate and just breathe in some joy and breathe out some peace.

A few little gems from last night (you know, since we made it on time)… p.s. I left my camera at home.  I miss it.

and so I asked him, “what’s God been saying to you lately?”  I do that, anymore I don’t think he’s surprised when I do.  Not surprised, just real.  And he said “love.”  and I was moved and inspired, proud, and he’s right.  God’s speaking it to me too.  And I’m finding it deep within the souls of whom I love….this beauty, oh the immeasurable greatness of His Love in each of us……..

—

I’m in the middle of a “seven cities in seven weeks” journey…oh, and I’m in grad school.  and somehow it all seems crazy and stupid and too much soooo much planned, but it’s me.  And it’s starting to become more and more of my contentment, a rather special kind of fulfillment.  A real chance to take in the love, to do all the love, to be a really unique kind of Love…

City 1: Mercersburg, PA

….and these folks.

It’s been a while since I threw my sleeping bag on a bunk, a while since I ate cafeteria food, and too long since 2am talks about life and God and lessons and brokenness and wholeness.  It’d been too long since the hugs that spoke saying, “Your support over the last six years has meant everything to me…” Too long since prayers that worshipped a God with my kids.  Friends, they’re still mine.  

I received the most awesome compliment, “Nicole, I look at you and see you with them, and I KNOW you love them like they were your own..” She’s right.  I loved them before I knew them…and six years later, our last retreat together…  Loving them more than I ever thought was possible….. My pride and joy right here peeps! Can they really be seniors?  Are they really grown-ups now?  And why was I so dang lucky for God to let me love them?!  ps. six years ago I was taller then all of them!

That’s my thing in this perfection of immeasurable love: I’m noticing all sorts of things in my peeps.  There’s this beauty I’m finding within… and I’m reminded of God’s glory that shines through them.  This glimpse of perfect Love that we are so not worthy of but get because of Him.  And it’s unreal.  I never thought it was possible…that. much. LOVE.  But He’s showing me this one thing, the beauty of His children….

I look at these kids and I can’t help but see this genuine and pure beauty that runs deeper than the everyday life of golf, and boy scouts, and college planning, and etsy work.  It’s like God has opened my eyes to bigger things that matter…they matter, so. much. more.

Those smiles.  It’s painful in the best sort of way that has me crying mercy, MERCY, we are Yours…

#ohilovethemso

City 2: Avis, PA

“Let Your glory fall as you respond to us…Spirit rain, flood into our thirsty hearts again….”

And here we are.  Speak to us that fierce and victorious glory, Your immeasurable Love.

This weekend won us well…me at least...  “Christ is revealed.”

It was easy.  It was us together with them.  It was the time away.  and it had me begging for more.  This break in my own everyday life to be with him and with them and in the relationships that have truly been life changing.  Waiting upon the Lord for a time to breathe through the school moments that overlapped with my “them” moments.  But in the silence, a contentment that was all I needed…an assurance that my life is exactly how it should be.  A happiness that I don’t want rattled, just shared.

Starting from scratch, he made the entire human race and made the earth hospitable, with plenty of time and space for living so we could seek after God, and not just grope around in the dark but actually find him. He doesn’t play hide-and-seek with us. He’s not remote; he’s near. We live and move in him, can’t get away from him!

 

-Acts 17:28 (The Message)

And He came.  We talked and I listened and once again saw a beauty that I’m just so unworthy to know.  To see their family intimately.  To know them so deeply. To hold a precious child tightly with a buried head in the fold where neck meets collar bone.  To play legos while wearing heels….To laugh until the tears crept up in all the immeasurable Love that’s been gifted.

We played with nerf guns and wiped boogers and drank wine and gross beer and heard wisdom from a great marriage and stories from devoted friends.  Somewhere around the Mario-kart that I just could not master, we reminisced. We worshipped.  We laughed, oh the laughter.  It wins me over.  They win me over with that immeasurable love that radiates like some sort of bright Glory drawing me further in…

#ohtoknowthatlove

“Eyes be opened, Christ is revealed…”

I can’t stop smiling.  I’m seeing, finding Him more through these intimate connections I have with others…re-realizing that nothing, absolutely nothing came into being without Him.  And here He is blessing us through the exhilaration of being with one another.  Here He is amongst those life changing relationships that are defining me…speaking to my heart.  Here He is, sweeping over my life with them, the most beautiful extensions of His heart.  Unworthy of this beauty am I… Beholding His beauty in them and these spirits, I AM.

#oh-this-laughter-that-warms-my-heart-like-a-tight-hug-that-never-lets-go

#itsmorethangood

I’m lost in the most passionate execution of worship as I adore who He is, how He loves me, and most importantly, how He’s given me so much love for these people in my life.  He’s here, revealed in this immeasurable love, showing me not just how to love, but who to love…

and life is just oh so Him in us.  He is near; Him and that immeasurable Love.

Lost in the realness of my life now.  I met with a classmate yesterday for an “intake” interview to make an “assessment” about her current state..and mine.  Hah!  Friends, let me tell you about my current state.  The one that I fall in love with more and more each day..and somehow fall in hate with less and less.  I’m busy.  So I schedule sushi dates weeks in advance and last minute movie dates hours in advance, shoe shopping and snuggles with mom minutes in advance.  I schedule a paper between 11:30pm and 6am.  I schedule a run somewhere between sunrise and just after preschool drop off.  I schedule making my bed at 6:22 am.  I schedule hanging my clothes at 9:18am or 9:54 a.m. depending on the day.  And my nails, they’re getting painted in between these words and these thoughts because I have to multitask.  HAVE TO.  I schedule…I schedule… and I SCHEDULE.  My iCal is exploding blue.  But my life is exploding what it’s meant to.

So in meeting with Lindsay, my “presenting problem” was time management.  Ironic because it’s not much of a problem.  It’s just how I get lost in the moment with you–living as though today is the last and no, I don’t just mean that in the cliché form it may come across as.  I mean it in that, my life is too busy NOT to cherish each little moment with you.

YOU, this LIFE-this LOVE!

five mile runs around burke lake.  without them getting lost would take on a much different meaning.  yet with them, getting lost means handling the stresses joys of schedules, schedules, and more schedules.

and shoe shopping.  I think of the three pairs I bought this month, these are by far my favorite.   (The others are navy also, flats from Nine West…and since they were BOGO 50% off, I also got red ballet flats).

THE BATHROOM RENOVATION! click here to get the details and see the after pictures.. still not quite done, but somewhere between the running and shopping and traveling I managed to change that into this!

..while still finding time for this!  Marisa signed up for Amari to do the Marine Corp 1 mile fun run.  I bought her cute running clothes (of course) and the girl conquered.  Strength, Endurance, and most importantly, FAITH to run the race set before us.

 ps. it cracks me up looking at her right shoe… what kind of Auntie doesn’t fix that for her girl?!

My heart melts for this little man.  We get a little closer everyday, what between our dolphin kisses and eskimos and “targuts” runs before or after preschool.  In case you need a translation those would be Starbucks runs…yes, those are scheduled in too.

As was the Great Pumpkin 5k at Reston Towne Center with my two favorite running buddies.  Note: repeated Starbucks (forget gold member, I’m working my way up to platinum).  There’s something so therapeutic about the goofy…

and something so special and therapeutic about being with them.

And as good as it is this scheduling– you have no choice but to crash… after talking the Wendy’s drive thru guy into giving you 50+ chicken nuggets for free while barefoot because those hot cheetah print heels beat up your feet with all those mad dance moves to Daft Punk and Build Me Up Buttercup…

must mean it’s time to recharge.

and then get excited for the next adventure!

because New York City, here I come!

This is Maggie, Katie, and Molly.  I helped potty train them.  And now they’re 16, 17, and 18.  And God knows these are my girls!  Surprising Molly for her 18th birthday was by far one of the greatest surprises I’ve EVER been a part of.  Seriously.  THE GREATEST!  Gosh I love this spontaneous life I lead.

Remember that one time I met Mr. Producer Man (Alex) and flirted with him until the girls had to tell me he was gay?  oops.

Or the time that I complimented Natalie Morales’ shoes and so she took a picture with us… AND thought that I was 18 (and Molly)?  This life makes my cheeks hurt.  

And remember the time that Jill told me to make-out with boys because it’s fun?  Yes, friends, life is SO FUN!

Because she’s a part of it.  Teaching me what it’s like to be a woman, but instilling in me what it’s like to be His woman.

Hey Katie, remember when you were 3 and I was swinging you around and your elbow popped out of joint….yeah, not my best babysitting moment (remember how I was 12?)

those eyes may look tired, but they’re not closing yet.

Remember that part about winning $50 but only taking home a nickel?  I’m coming for you Atlantic City…

Dear A.C., We thought you needed to prepare for us and all our funness.  We were wrong. PS I continually think that God’s gift to me is my twenties when I get to look pretty with a drink in my hand and a high five in the other.

You ate us alive Atlantic City.

but all good fun must come to an end… momentarily at least.

I don’t know if I talk about Jenn enough but she is seriously one of the sweetest women I know… can I get an amen?  She has this gentle soul and this witty boldness that can send me into giggles and tears all at the same time.  and I just really really love her…and the fact that I got to watch her teach as part of an assignment of behavioral observation.  This is getting real friends, I’m going to be a school counselor… wow!

I want to be as peaceful as him.  When the moments get too rushed.  When I’m sleeping in naps and not talking in complete sentences.  When I’m overwhelmed, Lord just quiet my soul.

and then just let me be.

Yes!  Let me be.. with the one who makes me smile, who brings out goofy, and who houses MY COUCH!  Let me be with him, and the POPCORN, and the WINE, and the TV.  and let me breathe vicariously in an apartment that I can pseudo help decorate.

let me just love. let me just love in excitement…

with her.

and with him…

and with no make-up….

as we wait for THIS!

Let me love this girl who got me through high school.

Let me love the real example of family.

that travels halfway across the country to help hang twinkle lights…

they get the preciousness of life.  the moments we can never re-live.

they honor the legacy of life.

and giggle through the silliness of life.

They get it.  and they get us.  so much more than anyone could.

Family is friendship.  And grace.  And a love that sacrifices over and over again for…wait for it, others.

we dance.  and smile.

we stop to be together.

to laugh together.

to commune together.

and to twinkle a fabulous life together.

such a gift we have in one another.

Oh what a gift this is…this one wild and precious life I have.  I couldn’t love it more.

I said this in my Facebook status earlier this month:

It’s like Fall has swallowed up my life and spit out something spontaneously gorgeous and wonderful. #reallyhappygirl

really. happy (and somewhat tired). girl.

October, thank you.

—

I’m noticing a trend here.. it begins with “I miss blogging.. I miss my words… I miss letting my heart bleed a little of my thoughts into yours…”

A few weeks ago I was talking to my dear, dear friend about it.  She, having already completed grad school said, “I kind of wondered if you’d keep up with your blog after you started your classes…”  I mean, I would like to… I just haven’t.  It sucks, me coming here once more to say–I’m back, I’m ready to race these fingertips (with pink nail polish) all across Airy into another deep and intimate moment in which I try and share some other piece of my giant heart that is “content” with perhaps a little “discontentment.” …but here I am.

I really do love writing.  I love going back years (now) and seeing that God’s plan is continually unfolding in each step that I take from my front door to my car, outside of my car and onto campus, into other lives, and through these pieces of happiness (and not so happiness) that I am finding along the way.  And oh it’s so, so good my friends.  

and then it’s not.  Because all I want to do is sit and let these words ooze over like a freshly poured beer on a summer night…but I can’t because “I have to be up at 5:30 tomorrow for work, and then I have to finish reading those 100 pages of multicultural theories, and write that lesson plan, and run somewhere in there, and oh yeah, _____-I miss her, I need to call her,” (but do I? no, I get by just thinking of her and life goes on MY life goes on)…and the same goes for you, and you, and you, and you…

Pam told me it must be a good thing though–means life is going well.  True.  For ME.  But in there I see this selfishness that misses the considerate phone calls, the spontaneous dinners, the squeaky laughter…and I really don’t like it.

I have 24 days left of my summer break (and well deserved after all the stress and hard work that brought in an A and A-..ps grad school grading scales are a lot less lenient than they were in undergrad, A LOT…).  24 days with so much to do that catching my breath is hardly at all what I have time for.  I have to be up at 8am tomorrow and run to Lowes to get supplies for a chair project that will leave my mom smiling and my aunts impressed.  I have to send those emails that needed to be sent months ago (probably pay a bill or two too).

..And this is just my life now.  And it pleads with me to hit the pause button.  But I choose not to.

This is my life.  And instead I choose to move.  BE MOVED.

[quote]Come and move me… In a holy dance, through my circumstance…[/quote]

So I move slowly into a promise.. maybe I should call it a commitment to keep the things that I love ever so present in this life I’m lovin’… because the relationships with you feed me.  and the running next to Him exercises my soul.  and the writing supplies my thoughts.  And I just can’t NOT go through the next two years living like this.

So here- tomorrow I’m watching the Bachelorette with one of my church Momma’s.  And on Tuesday, I’m chillaxing with my favorite (don’t tell the others) cousin.  Thursday I’m meeting my sweet, sweet friend and her little guy that I intend to snuggle up with until he gets sick of me.  AND GUESS WHAT!  Friday calls for some b-day celebrating.  It’s the movement that centered around the relationships I’ve been most blessed to have.

The fulfillment of Scripture that says we NEED to be with one another.  And oh sweet darlings, I need you most!

I’m trying to really get published on blogher.com.  And, I’ve committed to being a part of the Influence Network where I can make my online “life” mean something.  I’ve meshed my quiet time with #shereadstruth (an online Bible study- first up, SOUL DETOX!).  Oh and whatever happened to my oneword365?  Something about Investment? …and didn’t I have that “Desire to Inspire?”

Move me somewhere into there.  Somewhere that my life meets busyness with gratitude and balance and stillness that creeps into the fast paced moments when I get to be with you.

Come and move me in this place where I’m rooted so deeply in You and this amazing life that I’m not nearly loving enough…help me soar.

Let’s go!

something, something….

…something about fragile hearts and their strength that holds dignity and pride, humility and value, purity and richness–in them we find this abundant life that only glimpses a kingdom of real peace.

And here’s the peace I’ve found lately:

The breaths don’t stop–no matter how many times you let them go, you’re still going to take another one.

The screams may be piercing, but in the silence we’re reminded through warm whispers that love always beats anger.

The obligations are the disciplines training you for real commitment that you’ll never ever be able to take back.

Their smiles are the tears your heart cries and harvests to one day reap into a special joy that only God can give.

The fruit.  The friends.  The ministry.  The love. oh their love.  His love that’s right, Nic, just breathe it in as it helps you find solace during frustration and through the longing to be back on Summer Pond, far FAR away from here.  Where the toads scare the begeebees out of you and where Sasha still has her favorite poop spot.  Where good memories fill in for the bad. Where you said goodbye to the old life, where you hoped so damn hard for the new…

A year ago, I prayed this… He did hold out.. And He revealed it all in His time.

Now God, don’t hold out on me, don’t hold back your passion.  Your love and truth are all that keeps me together.

His time is now.  Being broken to be rebuilt… so this is beauty in its rarest form.  This is the breath that keeps going, the screams that fire passion (and I’d be lying if I didn’t add occasional “anger”).  The obligations coming running and bring forth some kind of beautiful future.  And the smiles, oh their smiles….all of those smiles.  Yes, oh, yes, I need to be theirs.

this is the Beauty, the abundant life.

And then God promises to love me all day, sings songs all through the night;

MY LIFE IS GOD’S PRAYER.