—

Trey got an email from his dad a few weeks ago, his Aunt Carol passed away.  After years of battling cervical cancer, Christ won her battle and brought her home.  Yeah, our hearts sank, bobbling through the empathy of our cousins and uncle who had lost their mother, wife.

After we received the news, we scrambled to find the airline tickets that would bring us into the arms of our loved ones; the sooner the better so that we too could hold them with endearing hope which was really all that we could offer.  There is something about grieving with family together that brings a great peace and calming.  And seeing one another after the time apart has started to fade the sound of reminiscent laughter gives reason for hope and rejoicing.  A reason for new laughter where you can hear the gentle hums of the laughter that is now gone but lingering as a piece that will forever be in our hearts.

We said our goodbyes to Carol who is held tighter than we ever could, in the loving arms of her Savior.  We wept the grief of being together without her.  And we sang the praises to the One who comforts our hearts.

There aren’t many times that I’ll say how much I hated how quickly or shortly Trey and I knew each other before our marriage…except for this time.  Everything lined up in God’s timing, yes… but the missing piece is that I didn’t know Carol for longer.  In fact I only knew her for a breakfast at Jim’s last summer when we were in Texas.  And I only knew her for that 2 minute Facetime call on the night of our wedding to hear her laugh and to give the tightest virtual hug anyone can give.  But yes, I hate how quickly or shortly, or whatever you want to call it, the time Trey and I weren’t together that I could have been “knowing” her more.

But I knew her well enough to know the legacy that she leaves behind in my husband and his family.  And that’s enough, it has to be enough; because even though I can still hear her voice and her laughter, I can better yet see her spirit when I look around and see them living her kindness, and humility, and strength.

And we’re leaning on strength like that these days.

Trey’s grandfather (Audrey’s dad) is in hospice care– has been for over a year now.  And with each passing day, he loses more weight, more ambition, more reason.  But he smiles- and oh.my.goodness. that is a solid smile that speaks a thousand words.  His legacy (much like Carol’s) is one that gives us all the vigor for life.

And so that’s my focus today.  Legacy.

After our time in San Antonio celebrating Carol, we drove to Killeen and Fort Hood to see our Papa.  We made a short stop at the Central Texas Veteran’s Cemetery to pay our respects to my father-in-love’s parents.

Not a day goes by that Trey doesn’t mention his MaMaw and Daddo.  Their love for him is one that has built his character and one that I’ll forever be grateful for.  They instilled in him to have an unwavering faith, to love God and family about all else.  What an example, one that we hold in revelment and hope to pass on to our children someday (you know, in the spirit of legacy).

And that same legacy that Mamaw and Daddo have bestowed upon us is not far from the one that Papa has as well.

That same gratefulness, much there, when I think of the impact that Papa still has on Trey.

I wish I could freeze the time and search the thoughts and words spoken through their eyes.

I wish I could keep this love alive and proud.

This man, my new Papa, gave me them.  And oh how I wrap my arms and heart around them tightly in this trying time.

Her and that steadfast faith…

Her and her heart of gold…

Him in all his strength and dignity…

I sat there beholding these precious moments that were passing and I couldn’t help the captivation at the work of God’s hands in Papa’s…

His hands that built this legacy.

…a  legacy of love for his girls… Oh how they love him so.

“Daddy, who’s your favorite?”

I think she is…

{That’s Granny.  She says married life agrees with us.  She’s right.  But we learned happiness through the legacy they helped build…sooooo….}

I’m pretty sure I’m his favorite (granddaughter-in-love)… or at least I share it… that’s what I told him at least.. and he smiled that smile and his eyes spoke that pride.

That pride for the ones who are taking care of his own…

This is my father-in-love; one of the most loving men I have ever met.  Gentle…  Kind…  Generous…

and funny…

Always making us laugh…

and my new Aunt Sissy– she keeps us all laughing too.

(she was trying to keep Audrey quiet so that he could listen to his favorite song, Jolene.)

But she does a lot more too… she goes every.single.morning to feed Papa and to give him a warm shave.

…and he’s built a legacy of giving.

This beautiful family of his is breathing his legacy and exhaling his love in these moments we will never forget.

More time surrounded by family in love and laughter; holding hands, holding hearts.

forever thankful for what he’s done and all he’s taught us…

—

all our love, Papa– forever and ever.  For this legacy you have built lives, and we live it so well.  thank you.

Linking up with:

Grace and Truth

Photo Friday

Faith Filled Friday

sunk into the fear of the unknown that coupled so romantically with a thirst to get lost in the dream

—

I like to play music when I write; as if the rhythm of my thoughts turned to words dance and come to life.  Today is no different, except that it takes me back to my first dance recital.  The one where I fought tirelessly with my mom, begging *on my knees* to not make me do it.  Those “icky’s” in my tummy were butterflies, and the anxiety of a 2.5 year old were fighting hard to sink me into cowardice.  But even then I was dauntless.  So I danced to please her; and today, I think I’ll do the same…to please Someone else.

You may know by now {because 1- you *ever so graciously* accepted an invite to my Personal Blog-Facebook page,  2- because you have already been following this blog for quite sometime now or 3- because somehow you stumbled upon my attempts of a growing social media presence} that I have decided to plunge fully into the world of blogging.  It’s not like I haven’t been here before; growing an audience or divulging all things worth anything to me pointless.  But today it is different.  Today is the first day, united with other greats of this year, that I’ve triumphantly fought defeated a mission I set out for years ago {probably because my husband continues to make all my dreams come true}.

It’s hard- setting a goal to become a “mommy-blogger” when I’ve yet to become mommy.  And it’s hard- sitting down to write about marriage when I’ve only been married for 282 days (see what I did there Trey?).    And it’s hard- sitting down to write about faith, when there are days I feel like my doubt will win yet knowing my God will overcome.  And it’s hard- not knowing if, when, why, how, this–any of THIS, will be received.  It’s hard- trusting that this will not subject my family (and probably friends) to unwanted publicity (no matter the scale).  The struggle is for real, real.  And these are just some of the thoughts that found their way into our sanctuary at 3 a.m. with a snoring husband at my side.

Trey is a “private person.”

Sitting on the couch after dinner will get lonely for him- {all that social media up-keep **me on my phone**}

Did I lose a “follower?”

Is google+ really a thing?

Can we afford for me to start attending writer workshops and conferences?

How will I measure success?

Can Will I stay humble?

What are my friends going to think?

…that counseling degree

Balance?

Boundaries?

I’ll tell you what’s not hard– in fact it’s rather effortless to trust in a God who has called me here to compose musings into deliberations and speculations into meditations.  It’s NOT hard to hear His Spirit dance and run along side of me; giving me the steps that brought me to the finish line where I crossed from fear to joy before beginning another race where the pace has already been set for me.

Yesterday’s message at church was so overwhelmingly purposeful {thanks, Brian} — and I want to share how, so that when that struggle gets real again {because you know, “Dancing” may have her moments…} I will return to these lessons.

I will NOT be a people pleaser.

We thumbed through scripture a lot.  But here’s what I got:

The fear of human opinion disables; trusting in GOD protects you from that.
–Proverbs 29:25

[My] purpose is to please God, not people.  He alone examines the motives of our hearts.
–1 Thessalonians 2:4

I will speak boldly.

I know that faith and religion is an uncomfortable discussion for so many but Truth is in me and I will stand firm because of the lessons learned from the saints:

No one had the courage to speak favorably about Him in public.
–John 7:13

But I will take courage and try.

God will keep me…

I’m not really sure who this quote belongs to, but THANK YOU!

God’s keeping power is just as good as His changing power.

..and if and when time comes, He holds my heart to change.

I do not need approval…

This is huge for me.  I recently read a blog post by Sara over at Feathers & Roots where she was talking about the idol of social media and how the time spent “all things blogging” can become a barrier in marriage and family.  I like having this on the front end of the blog revamp.  I don’t want to hear my husband telling me he “wants me back” and when the time comes, I don’t want to question if I am spending enough time with our children or too much time writing, editing, photog-ing.  I don’t want forget all the other “things” because I’m over here perfecting and seeking…

Amazing honesty from Sarah, but also I need to note that I am not standing on the front line battling social media.  I’m just starting and finding my own #boundaries as I work *with* social media.

Here is her advice to me:

…It definitely is such a struggle, this balance of wanting to express yourself but also not put so much of yourself into something that it becomes all you think about. It helps so much to remember that we aren’t defined by what we do and our value doesn’t come from how successful we think we should be. I’m so glad you found your way here, and may we both rest in knowing that our acceptance and value and purpose rest with a kind, gentle and wise savior.

God shaped me to be me [p.s. integrity > popularity]

Word.

“Acceptance and value and purpose through a Savior.”

not another follower.

not the answer to google+

not more Instagram hashtags to use.

This Savior she speaks of, I’m His.  And He has called me to this place and this season where I’ll rest for awhile, kept by Him.

And Lord, am I so glad you are guiding me every step of the way…

—

I’m linking up with a few other blogs today.  Check them out!

Making your home sing Monday

Nourishing Joy

Life of Faith Blog

Soul Survival

Moments of Hope

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And an anger rises as I realize (once again) that God is so much bigger than us, as I try to understand why and how his “greatness” is so incomprehensible, when really all this human in me just keeps crying out, “but God, my God, it’s not freakin’ fair.”

And life’s just not fair: the failures that create walls, the memories that are still so fresh that instead they become regrets. And it’s not fair because the happy moments that go in memory books didn’t include her smile and her tears of joy.  And it’s not fair because the fight isn’t easy, clinging to the Miracle.  And the hope is hard because there’s guilt when you can’t find it.  And so instead we sit here and say that we’re going to keep trusting…. Because through the brokenness, God will turn bitterness into something sweet like freshly baked autumn bread just like He always does.  And because through the brokenness there’s light at the end of the tunnel for you, and for you, and for me, and for all of us.. And because through the brokenness we wake up stronger, newer people ready to fight for what we all know we want and deserve.  And because the Spirit that lingers has lingered for an eternity into our numbered days, holding us; so we rise up on His wings even still with our anger and questions and mistrusts, holding on to one thing, Him…. Maybe two, each other.

And so God, my God, I thank you. For brokenness, and anger, and guilt, and hope, and Your Son and His grace, and my peoples that are your peoples.  You make it beautiful…

I am not a reader.  Well, I’ve never been a reader.  Ironic considering I’m a writer I guess I can call myself that, right?  But lately, there’s an enjoyment I’m finding with each swipe of a page on my iPad.  Rob asked me one day why I liked reading on the iPad vs a real book, “uhhh because I look cooler…”  I must look really cool now… I think it’s the fact that I have a way to occupy my mind with other things.  Lord knows I need that…

Last night I stayed awake until 2am analyzing every bit of my life.  obsessing.  This is not good!  But last night I also finished the most amazing book by my most favorite blogger, Kelle Hampton.  Her book Bloom: finding beauty in the unexpected is a book about healing after life’s most unanticipated and monumental happenings.  It’s about growth; life change—for the better.  It’s been perfect for me as I’ve swiped pages over the last couple of months in an attempt to look cooler than I actually am, to look closer at where I actually am.

So my life doesn’t have much that wasn’t anticipated especially in this season.  Did I know that I would be living off of life savings and parental loans for four months make that just short of five months?  Nope.  Did I know that my heart was about to be rocked on then off then on then off?  Nope.  Did I know that I would start to turn away from God?  Absolutely not.  But have I anticipated the monumental change that these circumstances will and have already had on this precious life of mine?  Hells to the yeah!  And in that, I find healing.

—

My mother Mary, and my dear Shereeree are the two people that know me better than anyone, literally better than I know myself and they’ve never stopped believing in me.  They foresee my choices, my failures, my accomplishments, and my loves.  They know my bottomless pit, my heart and some of it’s most selfish and selfless desires.  They’ve seen me fall and helped to pick me up, over and over again.  It’s like through them the Spirit reaches His hand to me, and let’s me know that no, I am not alone.  No, I will never be alone.  I can’t be alone…at least not lately another blog post for another day… But for now, I’m forcing myself to be alone, to continue finding me.  To continue growing through this life change.  And to heal.

In one week and two days, I’ve learned a lot about myself, it’s all stuff they already knew.  In one month and one week, I’ve become the woman they’ve been loving for years.  They say the never saw me that way before, loving that much, caring that much, and being that passionate for the opportunity to be sacrificial.  They say I invested in someone I believe in..there’s nothing wrong in that, no regrets, no mistakes, and no disappointment.  They said they knew I had in me, it was just waiting to come out.  My stories were different, my outlook on life for a time being was different.  There was a deeper connection than what my eyes were willing to see and definitely more than what my heart was willing to admit.  I was alive in there somewhere, real and whole.  I think they missed it.  I missed it and I didn’t even know that it had been there all along.  But it was just another one of those unanticipated, almost unwanted blessings…a monumental happening (happy-ing) with terrible, TERRIBLE timing.

I feel like these monumental circumstances have me paddling against a wild current.  Maybe what I need to do, how I need to be living is by just going with it—that’s where the healing comes.  So here I am, as Kelle puts it, in a “mental boot camp.”  Forcing myself to see that life is good.  That life just happens.  And that life is still a blessing, it’s still so precious.  I can do this.  I CAN do this.  I can cry through the fear of unknowns and distress.  I can laugh at the failures.  I can love at the blessings that come short lived.  And now, I can even care deeper than I knew I was capable of for others (but also for myself).  The mental boot camp is igniting passion that has me swimming with the current, paddling with joy.  It’s pulling me forward with a whisper from my Lord saying, “You need to remain calm.  I am fighting for you…still.  Don’t lose hope so easily… I am fighting for you.  for you.”

Mary Oliver has this beautiful quote, “Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”  I plan to live it.  Preciously.  For Him.

I wrote a letter to myself last night.  One that I’ll look back on in four years at the age of 30 ps I can’t wait to be 30!  

I plan on looking at it on the eve of my 30th birthday.  And here’s where I need your help.  This is the hardest season of my life, but the best part is that I know that I am not doing this alone.  So speak my dear friends, what did you wish the 25 year old you knew??  Speak it to me…. And be a part of the celebration of what will one day be the happiest season of my precious life on the eve of my 30th birthday…

Let me tell you about my “fun” this last week:

• sitting through Ted, laughing at all the wrong parts
• being stuck in a wet monsoon that ran us out of the seal concert
• standing on the ottoman in my living room dancing to “sexy and I know it.” because I am.
• supporting my sister like she’s always supported me.
• having chicken nuggets with macaroni and a four year old best friend Me: Amari, who’s your best friend.  Amari: You my best friend, Auntie ‘Cole.  And you know what??  I LOVVVVEEE my best friend.

• reading a book to Jackson and Brayden and feeling their trust and love for me

• sitting in the 5th row of a Toby Keith concert with a man who’s eyes I’ve been told are not actually blue, but green.  They’re SO blue.

• and lastly, waking up to a kale smoothie and a Kevin Rudolf run.

I get caught up in the hard realities of my life.  I let them steal my joy.  I let those harsh circumstances see my tears.  I let them overtake me.  For awhile at least they seep in and contribute to a deadness inside of me…until it’s time to run away.  Maybe that’s what it is I’ve been doing (truth is, I’m still doing it).  I’ve been turning my eye from the ugliness and giving into the fun-ness.  The “ness” that lets me enjoy the simple things in life.  Like the gift of being cared for, or the special feeling you get when you have a genuine laugh that has you gasping for air.  Here’s something else, the joy that comes when you hear a song you just can’t help but shake your booty to while you drink a cold beer on a summer night with country music so loud your ears are ringing (I was having fun last night!!).  This is my favorite simple thing though, giving love and care to someone deserving, and acknowledging that it’s a gift I never want to stop giving.  It’s simple really, having this kind of fun, running away into happiness finding fulfillment in a life that sensibly no longer has much in the way of wants.  Maybe that’s what God is teaching me through this….

I had a dream last night that I won the lottery.  My life was beautiful, as perfect as I will it to be.  And not just because I was a billionaire.  I owned a house in the Hamptons.  Most fulfilled I’ve been ever.

and then I was reminded that you can be happy without this.  You can be fulfilled without a new car.  Without a high paying job.  Without a hundred dollar bottle of wine.  But not without love.  Not without passion.  And definitely NOT without fun.  I said this was most fulfilled I’d ever been.  You know why?  Because I was surround by the simple things.  Loving my kids.  Writing not just for therapy but because it’s what I love doing.  Taking pictures to document the gift of life.  The lottery provided.  But so does God.

Yes, that God.  The one I’m mad at and had words with yesterday.  He’s still here.  He’s still showing me something.  Right now, it’s simplicity.  simple as that.  I believe in simple things.

—

I remember how I used to want it all
Funny now the big things seem so small

I dream of simple things
I can believe in
Like the feeling this day brings
True love and the miracle of forgiving
I believe in simple things

Through all the days
The blues, the greys
A ray of light keeps shining…

Simple Things, Amy Grant

I drive to this secret place (and yes, that actually will remain a secret).  It’s like out of a movie, a place I go to escape when I’m overwhelmed.  Tonight, I was overwhelmed.  Disappointment is worse than being upset.  Facing the unknown is harder than giving up.  And trying is easier than letting go of the control.  Sometimes I go to this secret place, and just hide.  Other times, I drive to this secret place to rejoice.  Tonight I drove to this place for a beer and a journal, and some dancing.  More dancing because it’s freeing and aside from kissing a blue eyed man, these days, it’s my favorite thing to do.

It’s freeing me from my “problems” that seem so little, that make me so small in comparison to real life brokenness.  The fact that I started a business with no clientele, just passion?  Was that crazy and about the stupidest thing I could have done?  The fact that I’ve been living off of life savings for four months in northern Virginia as a single woman with expensive taste because I couldn’t stand another day surrounded by the christian church…is that fair?  No, just selfish.  This perspective job or that one?  Money? Passion?  Survival?  Despair or happiness?  And how about this one to just add to the already piercing thoughts?  The fact that people I’ve looked up to have disappointed me in an attempt to appear stronger, when in the end, their choices have the ability to break them more than they already were…could that end up being me too?  And the question of why?  I asked God, “why” tonight.

“Why am I ‘stranded’ now?”  With a beer in one hand, my butt on a rock and a tissue covering my eyes, I asked why.  Why this loss of control?  Why an insane asylum inside my head that is screaming 5 billion things going wrong in my life?  This isn’t how I planned it.  This isn’t where I wanted to be at 25.  I had high hopes, realistic goals not disappointment.  And one month away from 26 I feel like I spent 25 going  “ready? set? fail.”

But then I stood up, and said, “Ready?  Set?  Go.”  Keep going.  Keep the faith.  Yes, the faith is at the core of my identity, it’s also the faith that I know in my head says “God will never forsake me” but in my heart is carrying more and more doubt and a faint sign of denial.  But I’m going.  I’m letting go.  and dancing.  staying up late.  and driving.  far into the openness.  waiting for answers.  hoping for more control than of just my heart and emotions.

is this still my life?

oh God.  I’m waiting for it to turn back to beautiful.

A week ago I was happy just being lost in my mind with fuzzies ALL OVER.  Tonight though, I’m needing control, little control, but control, clear lenses type of control.  I’m finding control.  It’s good and it makes me proud that among still so many unknowns there’s that small bit of clarity and a big bit of “a little” control.

insert ten minutes of scattered thoughts here.  some control I have… sheesh.

My heart is getting a break.  This is good.  This is SO GOOD!  To have the control to just go with it, to just have fun, and to just be me.  insert break for dancing here. wild dancing. with my dog. in my pajamas.  Dancing is good for the soul, especially mine.  <I’m jumping in my hoopty, hoopty, hoop and then doing it one more time.  Shoot.  Someone play me another song, please!>

okay.  I’m back.  

My heart is getting a break.  Oh God, how thankful I am for this…finally!  How thankful I am for the fun that comes with mr. “cognizant of your emotions”.  It makes me selfish.  He knows it.  I know it.  But the control?  Oh, how good it feels to have a handle over at least one thing in my life.  To live in the moment and know what’s coming next.  No really, I do know.  It’s fun, and then some more fun–with reality staying far away.  Getting lost not just in my mind, but in the moment where I feel cared for, appreciated, respected, and like a deserving, real woman (that’s still in control).  insert break for whistling here.  here we go. <whistles and types>

I have this journal.  It’s pretty definitive of who I am and who I’ve become.  So I started reading through it–something I don’t do very often.  Lord knows I’ve grown through hurt, and trials, unknowns, impulsivity, and most recently, life altering career changes.  Some of them came with control, others didn’t.  But what I found in going through this is that I still grew.  And I’m still growing.  But especially, I’m still me and especially, I’m in control of me.

I’m falling in love with myself the more time I spend with this man and this has been a long time coming.  Here’s something I love about me.  The fact that I care so much for people that I get to give a little bit of myself to them.  That they walk away with a piece of me–the goodness of me.  How cool is that?  How special is it, that I can give 100% and more because I wanted to see a smile accompanied by warm fuzzies?!  That’s me.  Or this?!  I used to just tell myself that I was strong, that I was resilient.  But guess what, I actually am, and I LOVE THAT ABOUT ME so I’m going to hold onto it.  To stay in control of it.  I LOVE that I’m in-tune with who I am.  And that he noticed that in me before I did.  I LOVE that I don’t let my emotions rule me- no ma’am, no sir.  I am in control.  In total control to feel liked and just take it for what it is, fun.  with smiles.  and goosebumps.  and reality that will stay away.  for now.  because we are in control, maintaining not changing.  that’s just what it is and who we are.  I LOVE IT!

I love seeing through those newly cleaned lenses that this is me and he likes it: me when I’m bossy.  me when my hair turns big and wavy.  me when I over think things and get needy.  me when I just want to kiss him.  me when I tell him I don’t feel like helping him take the trash out.  me when I cry grieving tears.  me when I don’t watch the movie I begged him to take me to see.  without even trying, it’s just me– taking control of what I can and being liked more because of it.

funny it comes when my life seems the most out of control.

is that life?

Life is a process.  It’s not what we do, it’s what Christ does in us.  None of it is a mistake.  None of it is to be lived with regrets.  None of it is to be taken seriously, instead it’s to be taken passionately.  I was asked the question today, “If you had to live your life over, would you do it?”  Hell yeah I would.  I would sit in the bathtub sulking over loneliness and despair with a bottle of tequila in one hand and a steamy book in the other.  I would stand on a bar in Boston dancing to the Black Eyed Peas.  I would fall on my face in front of a very cute man, all. over. again.  I would love my kids so good to the point that they see Christ’s love, feel it deep in their souls, because of Him in me.  All. over. again.  Because my life, it’s not a mistake, it’s a masterpiece that’s still yet to be completed.  These numbered days are not a mistake, they’re not to be overlooked.  They’re perfect and they need to be delighted, reveled, and lived with every ounce of animation and vitality.  This road is perfect.  It’s so everything I need it to be.  It’s good.  It’s the sweetest thing, so truly good.

—

I have this friend.  He used to come over and we’d cook and eat pie and watch movies and talk.  Like really talk, really process wants, desires, needs, and ourselves, lots about ourselves.  We talked good.  He asked me today about my photography.  He goes “you left out that piece of the pie.”  And last night, the new guy (the one who gives me goosebumps when he kisses me), I told him the truth (I tell him a lot of truths and he smiles and raises an eyebrow at me wanting more of it).  Here’s part of it, I had no idea four months ago that I would have my own photography business.  None AT ALL!  The truth is, I liked keeping this part of me a secret.  I liked withholding a love, an artsy passion.  But now I don’t.  I “don’t” a lot of things anymore.  Because it’s time, and this road is moving forward.  These new passions of mine are becoming more and more real and my Lord is helping me up, and up, and up, and UP and showing me that I am.  I am indeed so worth to be His, to be his.

I’m moving forward.  And with that comes many thoughts, many surrendered plans, much loss of expectations, and many, many lots of things.  Seriously my friends, I am lost in my mind with these things.  I am on a long road of leaving many dreams behind, skipping out of many “pieces of pie”, and doing things completely out of the ordinary, because I can.  ooh oohhhh oohhhhh <insert me singing here>.

I think this new spirit is getting to people.  and I love that.  I love being loved.  Like, um, seriously, it’s the most humbling feeling in the world.  I love that when people see me, they smile, and they hug, tightly and good, so so GOOD!  I love that they say “how are you doing?” and mean it, really, really mean it good.  Sincerely.  GOOD!  And when I respond, I mean it, sincerely good, I mean it, finally!

I am moving forward, leaving much behind.  much.  Taking in much and getting lost in my eternal life that’s adventurous and lovely because it’s been written by a Savior who saves.  There’s Power in this road, it’s the closest I’ve seen His face in a while.  In love, in life, in everything.  There’s His power and it’s the sweetest thing.  This road is leading me to His heart and I’m so lost in it.  So lost and it’s good!  This road, it’s damn good!

I listened to a song today..I listen to songs every day. But today, this morning, there was a mood that went along greatly. A mood that screamed this is sweet. This is life. This is happiness after a whirlwind crash. And I’ve landed on my feet.

I’m sitting on the quad at Georgetown University taking in the air; breathing in the air that carries a sweeter aroma. It’s the one that butterflies and goosebumps leave you with. The air that makes you see God’s presence. Feeling how perfect His timing is. Understanding how perfect His will is. Questioning with anticipation whats next as I sit here with an open heart and complete lack of control. No expectations. Just life. And this is just how it needs to be done. Good. Ready. Happy.

I’m grateful for what I thought was a broken plan but really what was just a glimpse into His fulfillment of a promise of great life, a prosperous future, and a life of hope. That’s just life, it’s mine. It’s my life that had numbered days since before I was created. It’s all mine, for Him, because of Him.

I could say I wish I knew then what I know now. But I don’t. This was part of the journey. This crash. This burn. This rebirth. And it makes me happy. It makes me happy to have fallen hard, fallen fast only to be picked back up. I’m carried. Held. Loved. His.

and when life happens, I’ll land on my feet, again. This is what I love.